Hi all:
I am new here and will likely post the same message in other secions.

My marriage is in a crisis state and for good reason. I am a recovering sex addict as of May 28th of this year. Those of you who may not know much about sex addiction can learn more about it by reading. Suffice to say it's a dysfunction that ends up destroying relationships over time.

I am the WH.

Despite loving my wife, two children, and my family in general, I allowed my sex addiction to take over -- I lost control over priorities in my life and it spiraled out of control. Though the vast majority of my SA centered around online pornography, it developed into more and it led to paying for erotic massages (no sex involved) and one case of infidelity on my part.

Since my wife found out, and all the admissions, she has been on a path of separation and divorce. To her, the topic of restoring the marriage is closed.

We have two very small children which makes the situation even more sad.

I've been attending SAA meetings now for two months, as well as my own personal therapy. I've been able to commit to my recovery and stay "clean." I am committed and would like to restore the marriage over time, but she does not seem to want to.

I believe trying to restore the marriage over time is better than giving up and putting the kids through a divorce that will devistate all of us financially and emotionally.

We are still living in the same house, but in separate rooms, and trying to be the best parents we can. We have very difficult discussions at times after the kids go to sleep. She is not open to joint counseling at this time -- which I don't understand. It seems we need joint counseling in order to help us communicate even if we do end up separating. I don't blame her for the way she feels and I know she has every right to be angry as hell at me. But it seems like she's not getting the right support she needs to be able to get through this.

I'm at a loss... I live day to day with hope that somehow my recovery efforts will make a difference. I love my kids more than anything and don't want them to suffer as a result of my addiction. I realize that restoring our marriage would take a long time and a lot of effort. But I believe it's still better than the alternative.

Anyone else in the same or similar situation?

Reovering-Dad

You came to the right place. Cerri who is also Penny R.Tupy has a website: www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com

Go to the website- call her or email her directly for help.. If you can afford, I would highly suggest hiring her for a coach/mentor. She has dealt directly with sex addiction. I will let her tell you her story. She has articles on sex addiction and I think is currently doing a survery.

Remember this is all new to your wife. She will need lots of time to absorb, understand what is happening. You are years ahead of her in knowing what was really going on. Have you bought the books Surviving An Affair for you and your wife to read. It will help your wife to understand. Sometimes reading a book is easier then talking to a counselor.

I wish you and your family the best of everything. It sounds like you really want it to work, which so many of the ws just hide in the fog, and don't want to come out.

p.s.- Cerri/Penny is having internet problems right now.. That is why I suggest you might want to call her after reading the website.

Anastasia

<small>[ August 20, 2003, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: Anastasia^^ ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Anastasia^^:
<strong>Reovering-Dad

You came to the right place. Cerri who is also Penny R.Tupy has a website: www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the site. Although when I click on the link it doesn't seem to be working.

I've gently tried to express to my wife ways of helping us as a couple -- from books to joint counseling -- but she's just not open to it right now and says she's resolute in her decision. So I have to sort of wait and hope that at some point she becomes open to reading these books and open to more than just HER option.

I've been in the "fog" for 5 years -- the last 1.5 years which have been the worst so far as my sex addiction. I'm awake now, and resolute to change my life and give her a better person than I could 7 years ago... I just hope she can eventually trust enough to know that I'm genuine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Anastasia^^:
<strong>Reovering-Dad

You came to the right place. Cerri who is also Penny R.Tupy has a website: </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just left Penny a voice mail. I don't know what she can offer someone who is trying to "restore the marriage alone" at this point -- but we'll see. Again, thanks for the reference.

I'm having an awful day emotionally and almost broke down on the phone leaving her a voice mail. I'm so very sad today and full of dispair.

Recovering Dad-

Hang in there.. You are just in the beginning steps- and you are going to be on a huge roller coaster ride for awhile. Right now- do the things you need to do. Eat well, try and sleep(I know it seems impossible), exercise... You will need your strength through this battle. I'm sure you are going through the withdrawl of the sex addiction and the withdrawl of your wife at the same time. That's a huge thing for anyone to go through.

I know Cerri will get back to you as soon as her internet stuff is all figured out. In the meantime- maybe Starfish or some of the other old timers will take a peek at your thread and offer some suggestions. I'm not sure when you are the ws, and the bs doesn't want to come back to the marriage, if you still follow plan A etc...

Just remember one day at a time. Don't make any major decisons in your life right now, as even though you are out of the fog, I'm sure you are in the middle of withdrawl, and your wife is just starting the process.

You are doing good dad.. You took the first steps. We all want to click our heels and have instant results. But we all know- it's a long journey to anything worthwhile.

I don't know if it's time for this, but have you asked your wife.. "What can I do to make this marriage work for you." And just ask her to think about it.. She needs time to adjust, soak in, get through her anger, resentment, and pain.. Have you read plan A? I would think it would still be applicable.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

Keep the faith,

Anastasia

Heya, Recovering Dad. Sounds like you're headed for a very hard time ahead of you. I do want to encourage you, though -- Cerri CAN help you even if your spouse isn't interested in reconciliation right now. Heck, most of us on this board (including me) have been or are in that boat.

Your wife is incredibly badly hurt right now. There's nothing, now, that you can do about that except to be the very best Recovering Dad that you can. And Anastasia is absolutely right. No matter how incredibly hard it is, you have to keep doing the basic things that keep you alive -- breathe in, breathe out, eat, sleep, take showers, get exercise.

If you can't do any of the others, focus on the breathing. And remember, you can live through any 15 minutes of your life, and most of your life, even in this incredibly awful time, isn't actually all that bad. It's just your thoughts that make it bad.

If you're the believing sort, I'd also suggest that you spend lots of time with your deity. Not necessarily praying, but just existing in His or Her presence. No matter how badly you may have sinned, THAT love hasn't gone anywhere. See if you can feel it while you're breathing.

Now, the hard part. No matter how awful it all is, get your emotions under control. Not all the time! But when you're with your wife and kids, DON'T show the hurt and fear and pain. Just don't. Be Recovering Dad, the same guy they loved and trusted forever. Even when your wife is hysterical. On top of all your other incredibly hard tasks, right now you're the one who has to hold this family together, and you can't do that if you're losing your mind, too.

Like I said, LOTS of breathing. And if the depression and anxiety get in the way, go to your doctor and get medication for it. You don't have the time to be an emotional wreck right now. Emotions, sure. But not incapacitated by them.

The truth is ....

Until you have remained "sober" from your addiction .... 2 years minimum.... you remain a high risk individual who may return to the addiction, despite your good intentions.

Your *anxiety* runs your addiction ... and it takes quite awhile to learn how to feel your uncomfortable feelings, manage those feelings as an adult, and NOT run away from those anxious feelings by burying them in addictive behaviors.

You've just begun to learn how to be real with your feelings. You are , as far as emotional maturity goes, an adolescent. And you will grow up, if you're willing to do the difficult work, but it takes time.

Keep yourself sober.
Keep yourself accountable to your sponsor.
Be patient with your wife.
Acknowledge that you are a risk.
Don't beg.
Be a man, walk the walk.
You cannot control the outcome of this.
It takes faith, so pray daily.

Good luck, and keep posting.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 20, 2003, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J of HJK:
<strong>

Your wife is incredibly badly hurt right now. There's nothing, now, that you can do about that except to be the very best Recovering Dad that you can. And Anastasia is absolutely right. No matter how incredibly hard it is, you have to keep doing the basic things that keep you alive -- breathe in, breathe out, eat, sleep, take showers, get exercise.

If you can't do any of the others, focus on the breathing. And remember, you can live through any 15 minutes of your life, and most of your life, even in this incredibly awful time, isn't actually all that bad. It's just your thoughts that make it bad.

If you're the believing sort, I'd also suggest that you spend lots of time with your deity. Not necessarily praying, but just existing in His or Her presence. No matter how badly you may have sinned, THAT love hasn't gone anywhere. See if you can feel it while you're breathing.

Now, the hard part. No matter how awful it all is, get your emotions under control. Not all the time! But when you're with your wife and kids, DON'T show the hurt and fear and pain. Just don't. Be Recovering Dad, the same guy they loved and trusted forever. Even when your wife is hysterical. On top of all your other incredibly hard tasks, right now you're the one who has to hold this family together, and you can't do that if you're losing your mind, too.

Like I said, LOTS of breathing. And if the depression and anxiety get in the way, go to your doctor and get medication for it. You don't have the time to be an emotional wreck right now. Emotions, sure. But not incapacitated by them.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cerri (Penny) did call me back yesterday and I may in fact be able to schedule a phone session with her tomorrow. We'll see. She wants to talk to my wife but I don't think that's possible right now.

I am actually doing what I can to survive on a daily basis -- though some days are obviously harder than others. I met with my SAA sponsor this morning and we had a great chat over coffee. We do that once a week aside from meetings just to have some one on one time.

I keep telling my wife that I am living day to day and that is crucial to my recovery. I have no extra bandwidth right now for talks of divorce, finances, logistics, etc...

The conflict we are currently having is betweem my methods of recovery (day to day), and her desire to escalate a path towards separation and divorce. She wants to set DATES (deadlines) for certain things to happen... like me moving out of the house or separating bank accounts... etc. etc... but I don't see these as necessary decisions right now given the emotional volitility on both sides. We desperately need joint counseling to communicate better under this emotional strain, but she doesn't see the need. I don't think it's wise to make decisions under emotional duress and deadlines. It will only server to make for bad decisions.

I realize I ultimately have no control over what she decides to do in the short run. But I desperately hope she can center -- and reach a place where she realizes there is no necessary "time table" for decisions to be made... the situation is no linear.

I'm maintaining as much "control" as I can.

Thanks and I'll keep everyone updated

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
[QB]The truth is ....
Keep yourself sober.
Keep yourself accountable to your sponsor.
Be patient with your wife.
Acknowledge that you are a risk.
Don't beg.
Be a man, walk the walk.
You cannot control the outcome of this.
It takes faith, so pray daily.

QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, pep...
I remind myself of theses things every day and keep in touch with my sponsor daily. Meanwhile I continue my own private therapy and reading up on methods of spiritual healing.

I realize I am a risk and need to keep my focus. I have, thus far, not begged... and I am trying to be as patient as I can.

:-) Thanks!!

Update:
Yesterday was my wife's birthday. I left some flowers and a balloon on the kitchen table when I left for work in the morning. She seemed to very much appreciate it and told me it was sweet of me to do that.

Then yesterday afternoon she said she had made an appointment with a joint counselor for next week -- something she has been unwilling to do up to this point. I'm not sure if she's sincere about this or just trying to appease me... but no matter... it's a step at least.

I'm trying not to set myself up or have too much hope. All I can wish for now is that she will descelerate her efforts and give the situation some time to calm down. We owe that to our kids.

Thanks for all the support and adivce so far!

STRONG SUGGESTION

Next week ..... leave a note and a single flower for your W .... as a "1 week anniversary of your B-Day" ....

Keep it going. Weekly anniversary gifts and love notes celebrating her B-Day.

Weekly reminder of how you celebrate HER being on the planet, in your life as your wife.

Make a F__'ing BIG deal out of the wonderful miracle that is your wife.

We women, can't resist a massive attack that doesn't stop.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Great job Dad.. Sounds like things are moving in the right direction for the moment. But remember - one step forward, 2 back-- it seems to be the motto here, so don't get disappointed with setbacks. Keep focused on your goals.

I like Pep's idea.. See how she reacts - and if she seems pleased- keep it up.. If she acts like it's just too much at this time- then slow it down..Maybe somthing every few weeks.

A very VERY good plan A is needed by you at this time. You want her to see you in your very best light.. She's still in shock.. Have you read Surving An Affair? That book along with His Needs, Her Needs would help you to understand both yourself and your wife. Also, in Penny's website is a questionaire to ask counselors. There are way more bad counselors out there then good. Print them out, and ask the questions.. You don't need your wife seeing a counselor that doesn't practice what you learn here on this website.

You have a long way to go- but I'm proud of the steps you've taken.. You are talking the talk- but more important - you are walking the walk by going to counseling, SAA, keeping in touch with your sponsor daily. All very positive!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep on walking--

Anastasia

Hey Recovering_Dad -

Join the club. I too am a sex addict. My addiction also would start with porn, then progress to hand-jobs, intercourse with prostitutes, and who knows what from there if I didn't stop it. (Here's a frightening thought: some folks claim that untreated SA will lead to child abuse!)

I have been working with Penny/Cerri since last November. To help me recover, we have Covenant Eyes installed on our home computer to monitor what websites I go to. Also, I'm not watching any TV for the next month, and am not stashing away woman's underwear ads, (you know - Victoria's Secret, etc.), to use for arousal material.

A huge CONGRATULATIONS for telling you wife everything! This is so, so, important, and will make your recovery easier. (It's still gonna be a royal b*tch to beat this addiction, but every little bit of advantage we can get helps.) I've had a harder time telling my wife just how bad off I was, having given the full details only a few weeks ago.

Please let you wife know that telling her was NOT to hurt/humiliate her, but to let her know that you have a problem, and that you were asking for her help.

I'm still fighting with this d*amn addiction, so would hardly consider myself a "success story", but if you want you could email me at newme@mindless.com, and we could engage in some mutual self-pity. (Okay - maybe that's not conducive to recovery. Check with Cerri.)

I think Cerri/Penny is on vacation now, or is leaving soon, so don't be too distressed if you don't hear back from her immediately. Also, I have some links I can post here on some websites that deal specifically with sexual addiction.

Hang in there, man, and if you learn of any great ways to help beat this stupid problem, please let me know!

Hi,
Several sessions alone with H's IC helped me a lot. He helped to explain how men can fall into this, and how they can really get out. IC said H going 6mo without an incident was a great indicator that he wouldnt backslide (not 2 years, but different for everone, I'm sure). IC said dont assume the Relasp Monkey is just waiting for him.

I could not just take H's word for it. I had read a lot, but still wanted someone to tell me that my H, specifically, wasnt evil.

It's the worst thing I've ever been through in my life. Unfortunately, it would have taken more than a couple of session if I'd had children in the house. I couldnt take even a .00001% chance that something could happen to them. Just me, I can risk getting hurt again. My kids, never!

Maybe she'll go if you explain it's not a ploy to get her back, you just want her to understand better, so that the two of you can raise the children civilly, so that she knows it wasnt anything she did wrong. To help you with your recovery.

It's only been a few months, I wouldnt throw the towel in yet. Eitherway, you will be a better person, and a better father, now that you are in recovery. My heart goes to you, both - Dru

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>STRONG SUGGESTION

Next week ..... leave a note and a single flower for your W .... as a "1 week anniversary of your B-Day" ....

Keep it going. Weekly anniversary gifts and love notes celebrating her B-Day.

Weekly reminder of how you celebrate HER being on the planet, in your life as your wife.

Make a F__'ing BIG deal out of the wonderful miracle that is your wife.

We women, can't resist a massive attack that doesn't stop.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep-
Thanks for this adivce. I feel I have to tread lightly these days regarding "romance." In my birthday card for her I indicated that she is "very special" to the entire family and that she is dearly loved -- from me and the kids as a whole.

I am a little weary of deep, personal advances (a "massive attack that doesn't stop") right now as she may not yet be open to this level of romantic advance -- and may not be for some time.

The risk is that she could see these romantic advances as "not listening to her wishes" and not respecting current boundaries. It could make her dig her heels in more.

We have a joint counseling session on Thursday so my guess is I will have a better sense of her "tone" and level of tolerance at that point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Anastasia^^:
<strong>Great job Dad..
A very VERY good plan A is needed by you at this time. You want her to see you in your very best light.. She's still in shock.. Have you read Surving An Affair? That book along with His Needs, Her Needs would help you to understand both yourself and your wife. Also, in Penny's website is a questionaire to ask counselors. There are way more bad counselors out there then good. Print them out, and ask the questions.. You don't need your wife seeing a counselor that doesn't practice what you learn here on this website.
Anastasia</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, Anastasia-
I plan on contacting the counselor prior to the session to see what information she may need to know in advance of our appointment and also what she generally does when ONE person is coming with the intent to restore the marriage and the other one is not.

In reality, I don't expect anything to get resolved in the coming month. And I don't even expect my wife to "change her mind" after a few sessions.

All I REALLY hope for right now in joint counseling is that she'll be able to see that there is no "timeline" for decisions at this point and no rash decisions should be made.

There is value in giving things some time to play out and for her to see my recovery is genuine.

Dad,

Good luck with the counseling session.

Your post just reminded me of a quote from I think it's "LuLu's" thread. I don't remember who wrote the quote. So please speak up if it's yours!! Anyway, it goes like this :

BS asking WS(but would work in your case)
"Please try to put aside any skepticism you may feel about rebuilding this marriage and remember one thing: We have a lifetime to divorce each other, but we have a very short window of opportunity to save our marriage. Is is the right thing to try."

It just seems to fit at where you are at.

Keep in contact,

Ana

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Anastasia^^:
<strong>Dad,

BS asking WS(but would work in your case)
"Please try to put aside any skepticism you may feel about rebuilding this marriage and remember one thing: We have a lifetime to divorce each other, but we have a very short window of opportunity to save our marriage. Is is the right thing to try."

It just seems to fit at where you are at.

Keep in contact,

Ana</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW... great quote!!!!!!

I may have to use that. And how true it is!! You can always TRY... exhaust ALL attempts to try.... and divorce later. There is no harm in trying... especially when small children are involved.

^^bump^^

How are you doing?

Ana

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Anastasia^^:
<strong>^^bump^^

How are you doing?

Ana</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the bump...
we're heading into our first joint counseling session tonight (as I said in the recovery thread) with no hidden agendas other than to get everything out on the table -- acknowledge both the things we have in common as well as our differences and start working from there.

I am fearful that the differences will cause severe conflict, but I've been told that I just need to stand firm and be honest about what works for me and what doesn't. And that it's ok to both respect her wishes as well as declare that I don't share those wishes and what it means for the family.

She admits she is being very protective of herself right now with the kids NOT playing a factor in that. Well, I believe it's time for both of us to lower our EGOs a bit and make the kids the #1 priority in all this -- even above our own needs. But that's jut part of it.

Ultimately I know she holds all the cards... she could force a separation and eventual divorce and there would be nothing I could do about it.

I've acknowledged to her that I can accept ALL outcomes... from reconcilliation to divorce and anything in between. But until we get some help and a framework in place under which to talk about our different "visions" of the future, no decisions can be made. There is no need to RUSH into decisions... we have a nice stable home with kids that depend on us. And we need to take the time necessary to ensure everyone is taken care of in the long run no matter what the final outcome.