I found her cell phone and called her. Turns out she's a temp at my husbands company and has one month left on her contract. I told her it would be best if she leaves the position right away and does not contact my H anymore. She agreed and sounded aplogetic. She told me she is seeing a councelor and trying to work on the problems in her marriage. She is very afraid that I will go to her husband. I sent her a link to marriagebuilders.com but now i'm starting to regret it because she may find my posts. She replied to e-mail with the following messages.

Thank you *****.
Please understand I do not want to interfere with your life. I am so
sorry you are hurt and never wanted that. And, you are right, I DO NOT
know what is going on in your lives and again do not want to interfere.
I will not have any type of contact anymore with (H name) and yes you can
check on that. I give you my word.
I have my own issues at home and a son to think about. Believe me, it is
more difficult when a child is involved because I want what is best for
him. My husband and I will work things out.
My contract ends here in a month and in order to keep living in my
house, I rally need to complete it. I have been sending out resumes over
the past week so hopefully something will come about.
You can check on me as much as you want, but believe me there will be no
more contact. OK?
Please respond so that I know you have received this ok.
Thank you

I responded that I recieved the e-mail then she sent me another one....

Please believe me when I tell you there will be no more contact. I am
working through difficult issues with my family and do not want to
involve anyone else right now especially them. Things are rough as it
is. I have 2 family members dying of cancer as we speak and my best
friend's mother who has a few days left to live, so this is a very
difficult time for me right now and I do not want anymore hurt or pain
spread around. (I am not trying to give u some sob story but this is the
truth and I cannot take anything more)
Trust me when I tell you there is nothing more and there will be no more
communication.
I am glad you called me so we could talk and resolve this.
I never meant to cause you any pain
******************************************

Conincedentally, my husband has been calling me from Canada and asking about my plans to contact the OW's H. He called my office and now is trying to reach me by cell phone.

I'm not sure where to go from her. If she is sincere, I don't want to make her life more difficult but since I am recieving these phone calls from my husband I think she me be in contact with him right now which is in direct conflict with the e-mails she is sending me.

Any advice?

Is your H the least bit apologetic for what he has done? How do you feel about reconsiling with him?

As far as telling her H. I would do it if contact continues. Check phone records or something like that.

I am plan A-ing. MY husband thinks he's done nothing wrong because they haven't had sex. He also says he wants out of our marriage. So, in answer to your question, no he's not really apologetic although he is sorry that I am hurt by it.

Hi Troubled,

I don't know if the problem is what you think it is. We don't know if they are in contact right now or not, but I think the question is " what is the right thing to do." and I believe the answer is to tell her H even if they are not in contact.

He is driving a car with no brakes, and he doesn't know it. He is heading for a crash unless he finds out, and you know and I believe you ought to tell him.

Think about what your H is doing for a minute. He is going to an Ironman competition. Normally someone where he is would be totally focused on what was coming up. He is focused on if you are calling OW's H. I wonder if there is more to the story than them having an EA. You already know he has been less than truthful with you.

I believe you ought to pull out all the stops and do EVERYTHING you can do to end the A right now. Tell her H, use all the proof you have. Type it up if you have to, tell her H about the lies and tell him to expect them too.

If you can get to Canada on Friday, I still think it would be good to offer support to your H during the race. I believe it will help even if he is angry with you.

Please don't trust what she says. She has already broken her marriage vows and gotten involved with your H, even if she means well, you can't afford to trust her.

Troubled, when faced with something as dangerous as this, you don't do a little and hope it is enough, you do ALL THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO. Tell her Husband and ask for his help in saving both your marriages. It may very well be more effective now while your H is gone and can't do damage comtrol.

Your H is saying what they usually say, even the ones that stay often say they are finished and that the A has nothing to do with things. Once the fog begins to lift, he may change his thinking. You need to do what gives you the best chance of success and that is first to end the A. Telling her H is one of the most effective tools you have to do that.

Remember that you are not causing the problems. They did that by having the A in the first place. All you are doing is pointing out the problems that already exist. Telling her H will not be creating problems, it will be pointing out the terrible problems that exist that he does not know about yet. Please give him that gift.

How are you?
Are you alright during the day? Can you think normally? Can you function OK?
I think you know what I mean - I ask because we worry about you.

SS

In hindsight, I only notifed 2 of the OW's significant others and regretted not informing the other 2.

I think you need to let her H know. It's not your emotional responsibility to take care of her and you need to not get sucked into that. I say that out of experience. Don't answer her back anymore. No contact means you too! It just makes it more confusing for you.

Good luck and God Bless!

I'm surviving. I have moments that seem to last forever and are incredibly overwelming but other moments where I can almost pretend this isn't happening. But there's the underlying fear always that keeps me up at night that even if I can take care of the OW situation, I still am left with a husband who says he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Dear troubled,, Even if this ow says she is sorry and that she will stay away, you cannot trust her, She has already gone over the barrier, knowing that your husband is married and also that she is married. Do not trust her, she is only trying to keep calmness in her own home. She needs to realize that she is playing with fire, and if she continues she will get Burned. We all have problems in our lives as the ow mentioned she is having , (those are her problems) not yours. She really had no right to even mention them to you. Her hopes are that because she did, maybe you will be the kind person that you are and leave her husband out of it. No No No, he must know also , why for the same reason you would want to know. Even if there is nothing going on with them, she should not be going to your husband or vise a versa to talk , that is what her own husband and your own husband are there for. Your situation is very similair to my best friends, for months we thought something was going on, but had no proof, well my friend yes there was another woman and he got her pg. Not only once but twice. Please get in touch with her husband and let him know what you know. Tell him you are not sure if there is anything going on, but you thought he should know what you do. I had my heart broken last year. My mother and sister both knew of my husbands affair and neither one told me. If they would have told me then I would have been in one year more of recovery. I wish you the best of luck . Please think about what I have said. hurtin

I still am left with a husband who says he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

We never know what will happen, but this is the way it DOES happen. They almost all say this. Give it time, do the best you can do, and lets see what he does. Have some faith in yourself, he married you because he loved you, and you are still that person he loved then, perhaps even more improved now.

Plan what you are going to do, and do that each day. Right now you are successful if you run the plan that you intend to do, not if he reacts to it correctly. Over time we want him to react, and say he wants to be with you but in the short term it may get worse before it gets better.

That's why we say to run the plan, do the best you can, and not worry about what he is saying from day to day. There are have been times that my W didn't want to be with me, but we have been married 26 years now, and things have never been better.

Can you tell us where you are as far as understanding the concepts on this website about meeting needs, and plan A? Do you need any help with that?

You have friends that care about you, and I will be praying for you.

Don't give up on him yet. OK?

SS

<small>[ August 21, 2003, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

My H called me twice today from Canada. First at my office while I was out at a client site. He sounded very subdued, almost depressed on my voice mail. I'm not sure where his head's at. Maybe he is just trying to mirror where he thinks I'm at. Then he called the house later while I was out running. I called him back when I got in. He said he was just "checking in". Our conversation was very steril. There's no love in his voice at all.

I think my mother is very dissapointed in me. She see's what a basket case I have been and then she see's me have these somewhat normal conversations with my husband. She's baffled by it. My mother used to vollunteer at a Women's shelter. She told my how she saw women come in beaten bloody by their husbands. She would see the same women over and over again come in after a beating and then go back to their abuser. She told me that although it's not physical abuse, I am reminding her of one of those women.

Ya know, I keep looking back at the last 3 years of our marriage since my first d-day. My husband sounded genuine in wanting to be with me after we survived our crisis. He promised me He loved only me. He said he never wanted to do those things again. He even made this cute little guarantee of love and affection for me on our computer (pasted below)
***********************************************
This is to certify my Love and Affection to my wife *****, my one and only love, whom I Love more than anything or anyone. This certificate is accompanied by a guarantee of authenticity and continuation forever. J***i(our dog)shall be the official who will monitor this pledge and enforce this guarantee.

Signed December 19, 2001
**************************************

I'm filled with regret now because I settled for these things and his words when I knew in my heart our marriage needed so much more work. I failed.

I'm speaking with Penny Tupy (sp) tomorrow morning. If he does decide he wants to be with me again, I hope my discussions with Penny will help create a "true" recovery.

I'll be talking to his mother tomorrow and letting her know about the OW. I am going to attempt to track down the OW's husband tomorrow as well. Husband continues to call every day. I'm not sure if he really wants to talk to me or if he's checking to see if I am seeking out OW's husband still. He hasn't brought it up in a couple of days. Wild Forest fires raging in Kelowna, BC near where the Ironman is supposed to take place. This may threaten the race.

While he's gone, I have felt like i'm in this little buffer zone. Like I'm emotionally safe until he comes back and then my life will be chaos again when he comes home on Wednesday. I don't know what's going to happen, how he's going to react to me telling OW's husband, his mother. If he's planning on accellerating our separation, selling the house, serving me with papers. I just don't know.