I stumbled on this web-site last week while trying to deal with my husband's affair with a co-worker that started about 3 weeks after the birth of our fifth child in April. He was having a difficult time at work and was actually suspended for 30 days, which he used productively in seeing OW at the pool with our children in tow. That enraged me more than anyting, that they were exposed to this, even though he said nothing happened to give it away. However, our two oldest ones never mention this OW and her daughter coming to the pool to meet them anymore, even though we have been there several time since their last swim party together. Kids are very intuitive and I'm doing my best to not let them know anything, the oldest is only 8 1/2 and a very sensitive child. When I confronted him with my suspicions, which were based on his pathetic inability to keep a straight story when I wasn't even questioning his activities. He just kept giving different responses that to my logical mind, I work in the legal profession, simply didn't make any sense. The sex was still there the I love yous were still there. I know his story is so typical I am reading Surviving the Affair right now and we are starting counseling. What's ironic is he was in counseling for his work issues, but neglected to tell his therapist about his affair, which I think is directly related to his problems at work. I am still devestated and I was already on meds for panic attacks from his work problems. I still have this feeling that my entire life has been shattered. It has been so stressful this year. My pregnancy was difficult with 10 weeks of bed rest, but the baby is perfect and we had sewage/flooding in our basement which destroyed almost all our Christmas stuff. I did make some ultimatums to my husband in terms of things I felt he had to do for us, such as be checked for STDs which he so mad at me for suggesting and go to confession (we're Catholic) because I did not want him going to Mass and Communion with us. He is mad and says I have given him all these hoops to jump through and it's not fair! Ha! In the meantime I had to go back to work full-time with a breastfeeding baby in tow to make ends meet because his salary has been decreased. This is long and I can do this without crying, but talk about Shock and Awe. I knew something was wrong and even questioned his best friend, who knew nothing and immediately confronted him with the affair, but like all unsuspecting spouses I never thought it would happen to me and kept attributing his behavior to the stress from his job. Right now, I feel like I'm in limbo I love my husband and want to keep our marriage in tact, but I feel impatient and am curious as to how long you give someone to get over and end it with OW. Thanks.

The answer you seek is “It depends…” I personally hate hearing that answer. Here are some of the things that can affect how long you give your spouse.
1. Length of affair
2. Amount of love you have for your spouse
3. How your spouse treats you now: is WS flaunting the A, is WS honest, is WS concerned about you at all?
4. Children, how many and how old. The age can make a big difference. Probably the 81/2 year old already knows something is wrong between OW and Dad.
5. Your financial situation
6. Support from family and friends.

I suggest you find an MC who specializes in recovery from infidelity. I would also suggest that if possible you find an MC who promises to tell you if WH is continuing to wander, and one who endorses either a Plan B option or a Controlled Separation, a similar idea pioneered by Lee Raffel. http://www.leeraffel.com/ This separation is a godsend for people really practicing Plan A with no results. It gives you a fallback plan, and something to keep you going until you need to make the move to Plan B.

Okay, how to deal with demands. Re-frame your demands into boundaries. “I won’t have unprotected sex with you until you have no contact with OW and have had tests for all the STDs.” I’m not RC, but I believe the Vatican said you can use condoms to prevent the spread of disease but not for birth control. Your priest should be able to clarify that. OR you could refuse sex, but that could drive H. back to OW.

As for going to confession… I’m an eclectic protestant so I believe confession is between God and me. Plus, God knows my heart so why do I need to tell Him? However, even if it’s between God, your husband and your priest, it doesn’t involve you. That would be a selfish demand in my book.

So, your boundary could be that you won’t attend mass with him or you won’t sit with him if he insists on violating the sacrament by not having confessed his sin. Only I wouldn’t say it quite like that. Maybe, “I feel strongly that it is a sin to take the sacrament without having confessed your sins. If you choose to do this, I’ll need to sit apart from you.” I would also be clear in your own heart if you belief confession of sin is necessary or do you just believe it’s necessary for him and the adultery. You’ve got a better leg to stand on if you and he normally go to confession regularly. Otherwise, he’ll perceive that your using your religion to embarrass him, control him or coerce him.

On the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with getting support from your priest and father confessor. Harley recommends telling friends, family and clergy about the affair. It’s not your secret to keep. And it’s about the only revenge you get. LOL.

Seriously think about what you and your husband can tell your 8 year old. Something needs to be said. Otherwise who knows what the children will make up.

I hope this helps.

My only other recommendation is to put an add in the paper for a wet nurse/nanny so you can have some sanity at work. I’m joking, I think. I’m not sure they even have wet nurses again, and La Leche doesn’t say you can have another woman breast feed your baby. I switched mine to formula early on and they’ve had no troubles. Big bouncing babies.