I am back at home and the children aren't back at school yet, which is a blessing and a curse. They are all that is keeping me going and at the same time standing up to get them lunch feels like moving a mountain out of my livingroom. I go from numbness to excruciating pain. I hope the antidepressants kick in soon!

OW's H called me to tell me that OW has left the marriage and is filing legal separation papers or something like that. He told me that she told him that he has been uncaring, unattentive, cold, disrespectful and has taken her for granted since the first few years of their marriage.

In one minute he was crying almost histrionically confessing to me that she's right and in the next he was calling her filthy names. I had no idea what to say to him so I told him to come to this site. I don't know if he will, but I don't want to speak to that man again. I can only take so much.

I called my mother and told her everything. My mother is my best friend. She'll be on a plane tomorrow to come stay with me and the kids. That is my only ray of hope right now.

My H is in a hotel. I'm reading all the books as best I can but nothing can help me want him by my side right now. Maybe I am doing the wrong thing for marriagebuilders, but I read what he shared with OW and I can't take being with a man who feels that way about someone else right now. Maybe we have a chance, maybe we don't. I don't yell at him, I told him to please give me this week before we talk about the future.

Did anyone else feel like they were the ones who woke up out of a fog? My mind won't stop racing, reviewing every detail of our marriage. We woke up together, hugged and kissed good morning, got the kids ready, either together or he left for work, spent our days working, talked maybe once a day about dinner and the time we'd be home, the kids schedule, came home for dinner, either at that same time or not, spent time with the kids, planned our schedules and went to bed. We had sex once a week at most, mostly it was once every two weeks.

I feel like I have been ripped out of my own fantasy land, where that's what a marriage looks like, to find out that he was sharing so much more with someone else besides schedules and kids. Is that what he means by loving me as the mother of his children? That I'm the one attached to the kids, who schedules them and helps feed them and loves them, while she is the one attached to everything else??

Was she filling in the spaces of our marriage, or have I been filling in the spaces of their relationship? I feel like I'm the filler here. I feel like a damn fool.

NS...while this doesn't mean anything to you yet, it will in time....it does get better...you will get stronger, and you will take this as one of life's greatest learning experiences.

My WH is now living w/OW. He has been trying to "come home"; however, his concerns for 'hurting" the OW keeps him from coming back. Talk about pain. Well, I decided that the only person who is creating this pain is me....because I'm allowing him to do it. Now don't get me wrong, I love my H and want to work out our marriage. We've been together 15 years, married 13 and have two children (ages 10 and 4). We practically raised his son from his first marriage...anyway, I digress...

Strength and confidence is the only thing that helps. It is very difficult at the moment because the very foundation of your life has been shifted. I say shifted and not destroyed because you can rebuild. Even for myself, 1.5 months ago I would have said H and I could never talk civilly. But let me give you some idea of how I've changed...

I wept, cried, ranted and raved...could not imagine my life without him. Didn't eat, could not even take care of my children...I felt humiliated, a failure, etc., etc. Then I remembered, my children are who need me and I brought them into this world and I owe them the best chance at a normal life. I stopped pitying myself and started shedding the weight I put on over months of stress.

When I first started dieting, I was sad, cried and blamed him.

I lost 15 pounds, I was still sad, stopped crying, and only blamed him 3/4 of the time.

I lost another 5 pounds, I wasn't all that sad...starting to feel good about me, forgot about crying, and only blamed him when I afforded him any of my time to think about him.

I lost another 3.5 pounds, not sad anymore (really starting to feel good about myself and others are feeling that way about me), who needs to cry anyway, when you can laugh, and don't blame him at all, because I'm too busy worrying about me and my children.

Funny what a little bit of confidence, some exercise and some positiveness can do in such a horrible situation.

Trust me, if you ever go back in time, read my posts....it was the most incredible and hellish 10 months of my life. Now, well, it is still painful knowing that H is living with OW but....

knowing that he talks to me, e-mails me and tries to contact me makes me realize...hey, it is not all that lovey dovey in fantasyland....he even wants to go on vacation.

I'm in Plan B (you wouldn't know it), but you know what, he is somewhat pursuing me. While the pain of his non-committal to me and our children is horrid, I've come to realize that my standing on my own two feet and standing up for myself means much more than his vacillation and indecision.

Good Luck...you will survive this.