OW’s H called me again at 11:00 last night. He was half crazed. He kept swinging back and forth from telling me how sorry he was that he took his wife for granted and going off into rageful fits at my husband for stealing her away. I am so lost right now I can barely take care of children, how am I supposed to deal with a man like that?

Have any of you experienced this? At some point I snapped at him. My anger and rage started to come out with a fury. How DARE he, I yelled, tell ME to keep my husband away from his wife? How DARE he tell me it’s now my job to make sure my husband stays away from her? Who does he think he’s talking to? As if I WANT my husband with his wife? If I had any control over that, my husband would have never met that woman in the first place! How DARE he, I screamed, treat me like it’s MY responsibility that his wife is having an affair with my husband!!!

Further, how DARE he tell me that my husband STOLE his wife!! Where does such insanity come from? How can someone steal what has OBVIOULSY BEEN FREELY GIVEN? He had the emails before me! YES, my husband had the idea of sleeping with her first, but couldn't she have said no? Did my husband STEAL HER or did he proposition a willing partner?? I am trembling with rage at all of this. How DARE this man treat his wife as an innocent victim of my husband's advances, and tell ME that it's my job to keep them apart??!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Now I have a new idea about why he sent me all of those emails. He didn&#8217;t have to send all of them. I think he is a rageful man who blames everybody else for his problems. That&#8217;s what he sounded like. It was so sickening to hear him talk about how he took his wife for granted but that it wasn&#8217;t his fault somehow. I don&#8217;t even know anymore. I did NOT take my husband for granted!!! I did NOT ignore my husband or treat him badly. I&#8217;ve met plenty of men like OW&#8217;s H before and they are misogynists. They blame women for all of their problems and shortcomings.

I told him never to call me again unless I call him first and to get help and hung up on him.

What on earth has my life become? Who can explain this to me so that I have the strength to go on one more day? My mother is flying in today, that is my saving grace.

I have also started praying. My biological father is an alcoholic and as a teenager, my stepfather introduced me to AL-Anon and I found a closeness with God I think I have since forgotten. I am not a bible student, but are there any other 12-steppers on this board?

The kids will be up soon. I have to go to work next Monday. How will I be ready?

My husband and I are going to spend time together this weekend while my mother takes care of the children. I am finally ready for this. I've read as much as I can about plan A and I plan to be as supportive of him as possible. We talked about him staying here the weekend and maybe I can do this. I'll start posting on the Plan A/Plan B board.

I am not yet ready to do counseling with the Harleys. I need to hear what my Husband has to say first.

God, please give me strength. Amen.

Get caller block and block calls from OW’s Husband. If he tries to contact you again, tell him you’ll get a restraining order. That is not normal behavior. I doubt even for a BS.

I haven’t followed your story but are you working with someone who can coach you through this? If you don’t see a lot of action on PlanA/Plan B go to Emotional Needs.

neversuspected - I understand your rage. And I understand that it is still very early in the process for you, as well as for the OW's husband.

I probably shouldn't have to tell you how uncontrollable are the emotional swings that a BS feels.

One of the very normal, and very wrong, desires on the part of the BS is to blame the affair TOTALLY on the OP. It denies their own involvement in whatever atmosphere set a climate where an affair could occur. It denies that their spouse could be anything other than a complete victim. Accepting that the spouse could have had some active role in the affair, in the decision to have an affair, is so foreign a concept that most BS's can't make that "logical" step for some time following discovery and into recovery.

It strikes at the "I don't know who my spouse is" sort of thing. NONE of us believed that our spouses were capable of adultery, or we wouldn't have married them in the first place. It rips apart our whole belief system and calls into question our own ability to be able to see truth.

So please understand that the OW's husband is reacting "normally" for the stage that he is in. You, on the other hand, need to enforce No Contact on yourself as well. It does no good for you to be in contact with him or his wife any more than it would be for your husband to have contact. No Contact means No Contact, for life. It is part of what is absolutely needed for recovery. The OW and her husband have to deal with this themselves just as you and your husband have to deal with recovering your marriage by yourselves.

And yes, I understand the rage that this call triggered in you. That, too, is normal. Don't allow it to happen again. Change your phone numbers. Go to an unlisted number if needed. Those calls do nothing to further your recovery and in fact, cause all the negatives to be revisited and hamper recovery.

God bless.

Neversuspected:
I am sorry you must endure such pain. My situation is similar to the OWH that called you. In my case, I called OMW. It was very hard for me to do because I didn't know what kind of response I would get or the repercussions of my call. I didn't get the explosion you got from OWH, but I was VERY disappointed and angry to find out that OM and OMW had been separated a while and she didn't want him back. He is an alcoholic and abusive. Still I blamed her.

I thought if she would take him back my wife would come back to me. This was wrong thinking. I DID neglect my WW's ENs and felt terrible because I felt the OM took advantage of this and prevented me from the chance to 'Fix it' with my WW. But I didn't admit any of this to myself, until I found MB. I have since asked God to forgive me for in a sense breaking my marriage vows first by not cherishing and loving my WW and creating pain my WW sought to relieve in the arms of the OM.

I pray and ask forgiveness myself, WW and OM too. They cause me and my family tremendous pain but they didn't do it to cause hurt but to ease their own. OWH needs to look in the mirror and acknowledge his part in this and what he can do positively to get his own WW back. He has little chance to get her love back, even if some reason he gets her back, if he doesn't.

God Bless you and your family.