I just found out my husband has been having an on-line affair for the last couple of months. The two never met, but a meeting was arranged to see if this was the real thing or not. Has anyone else out there had to deal with this issue? How do you get over the pain of him wanting her and not me?

<small>[ August 22, 2003, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: vmhurtme ]</small>

My FWH had multiple (yep, you read right) on-line A's. Some were merely "soulmate connections"... GAG. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> One was a PA.

Recovery from this kind of A is pretty much like any other. The exception being that the fantasy life of on-line lovers tend to be more out of touch with reality.

I dealt with it and my H and I are working on re-building our M. It is possible to recover from and A.

The pain you talk about is real no matter how the ppl involved in the A met. All of the BS's here know EXACTLY how you feel.

Can you post some more details to help us better understand your situation and more effectively help you?

<small>[ August 22, 2003, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

When I found the cell phone bill and there were numbers for another state on it I began to wonder what was going on. I dropped a few hints, but nothing was ever said about the mysterious calls. Then one day I got up enough nerve to look up the numbers on the web and found a women's name listed. It ate away at me for several weeks and then one day, I asked H what this was. H then said it was someone that he had met on line but that it was over. They had been on line for several months and grew closer together in all aspects of a couple. They had even planned to met but she chickened out. My H has been honest with me and told me everything that went on for those months. H is very sorry that he hurt me and has deleted all computer accounts and does not spend time on the computer anymore unless I am around...I did not push this he offered it. I want things to work out, and I believe they will, but how do I handle the hurt I feel throughout the day?

<small>[ August 22, 2003, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: vmhurtme ]</small>

There are a few things that you and your H can do to recover from this and help lessen the intense pain I know you are experiencing.

-Read as much as you can on this site. MB is a wonderful, free resource. Take advantage of it.
-Both you and your H should post here. Both of you could benefit from the vast experience here.
-Your H should be accountable...for everything. By this I mean, you should have access to ALL email accts., phone records, credit card statements, bank statements, and he needs to be accountable for where he goes, who he's with and what he's doing. He may balk at this, but, so what. Your trust needs to be restored and he's going to have to work his butt off to do it!! If it's any consolation to him, you become an "open book" too.
-There must be NO MORE CONTACT, of any kind, with OW. He should write this OW and tell her just that. There are some excellent examples of no contact letters here on this site. If OW contacts your H again, he should tell you right away.
-Seriously consider MC. I doubt very much my M would have recovered without professional help. The two of you need to figure out why this happened and make the changes necessary to make sure it doesn't happen again.
-If you have doubts about whether or not he really did "sleep" with her both of you should get tested for STD's.
-Accept the fact that you will hurt and be hyper-vigilant for some time to come. That is a normal reaction. Over time the pain will lessen (I hate it when ppl say that but, it's true <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).
-Take time for yourself, pamper yourself. Exercise. Do the things you enjoy that help you relax.
-If the OW is M then inform her H. A's thrive in secrecy. Once exposed to the light of day they rarely last. This site advocates informing spouses of both parties involved in the A.
-Do not be afraid to talk to those who will be supportive. Don't feel obligated to keep this a secret. You need support right now, you need to talk this over. Don't feel you have to protect your H...he's a grown man who made some bad choices but, that doesn't mean you have to suffer indefinitely for his mistakes.

<small>[ August 22, 2003, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

Hello vmhurtme

Welcome to MB.You will get a lot of good advise here I did.

My H met OW online,they met in a game room played checkers late at night she was an RN and would go online during the down time late at night.My H would spend alot of time online and late at night after work go into the game room.I did not think much of this.
Soon they began to chat and of course tell sad and probably mostly untrue stories of thier M.
The chating grew,soon they were talking on the phone and just about 4mo. after this started my H flew to her state and thier EA turned to a PA.
After he confessed the A,I found a letter he wrote to her,telling her how he could not believe she would soon be all his.He thanked her for such a good time and loving him so.
Yuck thats all I can say the thought of all of this makes me sick.

I truely know the pain you are going through right now.Right after I found out I did not think I would be able to go on.
It has been 8m.now the pain is still there but I know now thanks to many here that I can go on.
H is still here with me I am working on recovery my H is hesitant he believes in the motto,forget it and move on,if we don't think about it,its like it never happened.The problem is it did happen and it left me in pieces.

You will recover from this.
Did your H have a PA?
Is he still with you?
Remember time is a healer of all things.
Stay strong I will check back with you to see how you are doing.

vm,
My FWH had "multiple" online EA's. It is devestating.

I agree with mgm on the accountability factor. That is the only way that you will regain your trust for him again.

And as long as he is maintaining NC, the FOG will lift and the withdrawal will fade.

It hurts, hang in there. Read and work together!

Thanks for all of the advice to a new person on this site. I have read a lot since all of this happened. H has cut off all contact with OW and we wrote the letter together and sent it to her with a deadline if she wanted to reply. OW never did. All chat programs have been removed from all computers, H has allowed me to check cell phone records at anytime, and we even went away from the house for a couple of days to really talk and try to bond again.

I don't believe he ever really loved the OW, and he said he didn't. He just got caught up in the fantasy world of the internet and chat opportunities. She paid attention to him and I didn't.

I just don't know how long it will take for me to not have this pop into my head everyday? I don't want this OW controlling my life which I feel she still does right now (in my head not his) and my H does not want anything to do with her ever again. H says he loves me and will never do this again. That he was stupid for a short period of time.

How do I get over this hump and move on?

Both in mid 40's with kids almost out of the house and in college.

It will take time to move on. My H began his affair online and they DID meet - twice - the last time it was for four passionate days together (gag). It was true love - he loved her didn't love me...period. Okay - fast forward three years later. We are very much together again, in love and have renewed our life together. Am I OVER IT? Not completely. Have I forgotten? NO, probably never will. It's a journey that won't end I think. BUT - it's one that I am on WITH my H now and not without him. It has truly been the biggest struggle in my life and the fact that my H is in love with me again has been worth it. Don't expect to be "OVER IT"...the process of recovery from something like this takes time and may bring many things "out" that may surprise you. Face them head on...it sounds like you are on the right track.

Dear Alberta - thanks for taking the time to write back to me. I think we are on the right track and I will continue to try harder with my H of almost 25 years.

I do love him so very much, or this would not hurt so much and I could have walked away from it all.

Thanks again!

Hi vm

I am so glad to see things going so well so quickly for you.
Like you I have been married a long time 25yrs at time of H A.It has been 8mo.since he confessed and it is still hard but only time heals I believe.

I don't think about it as much anymore,but I think for us it is the thought that we gave our H 25yrs of our life,good times and bad and we were there and they could just run off with someone they met online.

All I can say is that everyday does get a little easier,and it sounds like your H is right beside you working on your M with you.

Take care and best of luck.

Gingersnap - again thanks for the support. It helps to know there are others out there that have been down this road and that you can make your marriage work again. I really do want to make things work, but I tend to slip everyday and think about their conversations on the cell phone or what they wrote back and forth to each other for those couple of months that were so intense between them. I just can't seem to get that out of my head and it hurts when I think about it.

It sounds like you are making your way through the pain as well and that things are working out for you as well.

I have decided to start a journal and maybe that will help me with my emotions when I head down the wrong path and let her take over my life for even just a brief moment.

I know I need to focus on us now and not her as my husband has cut off all communication with her and wants to be with me. I believe him with all my heart, I just have to get her out of my head and that seems to be difficult right now.

You take care as well.....

Vm
Believe me I struggle with the same battle everyday.The words he wrote to her.

I have good days and bad ones it is just part of the big bad world of A's.

Did your H have a PA with her?
If not you are so lucky,that is just one more thing that you have to get over.

I am glad to see you doing well today.
Remember it is normal to have good days and bad ones.

Take care talk to you soon.

a journal is a great idea....i had one for almost a year....i put it away not too long ago.

i've actually considered burning it with my fwh as a way of closing the doors to the past....once i'm feeling better about things.

keep coming here for support...you may find others to assist you in the Recovery section as well.

Gingersnap - thanks for staying in touch...I look forward to hearing from you since you are further down the recovery road than I am.

My H did not have a PA with the OW. They had planned to meet and I believe that would have happened, but she decided not to come the night before her flight. They did have cybersex and used a web cam, so that is pretty close to a PA, I guess. This happened a couple of times and my H said he felt awful afterwards, and didn't want to do that anymore. Needless to say, the webcam was the first thing to go when I found out.

I do struggle with what would have happned if they would have meet that day in June. My H booked the hotel with only one room (two beds in case they decided they were not made for each other) and was going to pick her up at the airport so they could spend the day together and see how they got along in person. What they really felt when they would actually see each other in person instead of on the computer. I don't know if they would have met that my H would still be with me and I guess I will never really know the answer to that question. They were so connected at that point in time that I just don't know. Maybe he would have picked her over me. She was a little younger, prettier, thinner, and wanted sex all of the time. She had pushed him for a committment and H told her it would have to be a year from now as our youngest is a Senior in HS this year and he did not want to ruin that year for him. OW said she would wait for him. At least he was thinking about our son...but he didn't think about me and the bomb he would have dropped on me out of no where after 25 years of being married.

Part of me wants to still contact her and find out if she really did love my husband and if she still thinks about him and misses him. OW was divorced. I even went as far as creating a login the other night and got on line with her. She thought it was my H, but it made me physically ill to be chatting with her on line so I stopped. We really did not say much and I didn't ask anything that I really wanted to. I did tell my husband what I had done and I then deleted the account so I could not go back there.

My H says he has no feelings for her and that he just got wrapped up in the moment, but for women I believe it is different. That there usually is an emotional attachement and that is hard to break away from. I keep waiting for the cell phone to ring or a letter or card to show up that she wants to continue with him even though he told her it was over.

I will continue to write here as it helps and I will take it a day at a time. I never really thought about people having A's on the internet until it happened to me. There should be more information out there on this subject as it is growing leaps and bounds.

I truly look forward to the day when OW only creeps into my mind once a day instead of once an hour.

I really do want to move on as I love my husband with all my heart and always have, but I feel like I am stuck in the mud right now. Maybe I am expecting too much from myself since I only confronted my H on 7/13 about all of this and we have been talking every day since then to make our M work.

onlyucan - thanks for the reply....I will begin my journal today as I think it can help me. And I look forward to the day that I can burn mine as well.

I will look for a large orange glow in the sky and that will tell me you are all better and that you burned yours along with all the hurt you have felt for sooooo long.

Keep in touch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hello Vm

I know how hard it is just thinking of the might of beens. I think of them often.
My H flew the state where OW lived and spent four days there.They were not together the whole time after all she had to maintain a life being that she was also married.Never the less it is painfull to think of this.

The pain is still intense.I try hard not to think about it but I have triggers that surround me daily.They are things that I can not escape from.One of them being that the jewelry I check into my dept.at work comes from michigan her state.So everyday I see the word michigan and it reminds me of his time with her.She also has a very common name,I hear it all the time.I even have about three really good customers with her name.It is a constant reminder of what I hate most in life.

I try to think of the postive things,he did choose to stay and work on our M.However he is not a great participant in recovery his idea of recovery is if we act like it never happened then all is well.He says the guilt he carries is more than he can bear at times.He hates to see the pain in my eyes knowing he is the reason that sadness has taken the place of sparkle and laughter in them.
He will not go to MC so alot of this I must do on my own.But I do love him,I have given him my whole life we have been married since we were 16 and 17yrs old.

It is a long hard road but I know there are some who have had to deal with more than me,so why should I complain.I hope to just be able to give an encouraging word to someone to help them through this time like so many have done for me.

Try and stay strong.
Oh by the way,I did the same thing chating with OW under my H screen name.She seemed very angry with him and like you I did not get to ask her all I would have liked to.Oh well my life will go on.

Have a good day.
Talk to you again soon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

vm,
I know how much you hurt right now. I know how betrayed you feel. I know about dwelling on thoughts of the A. I know about images that keep running through one's mind. The triggers seem endless and thoughts seem to be swirling in your head, it never seems to shut off.

As the others have told you...over time this will reduce in frequency until it happens rarely. The journal is a fabulous idea and I'm so glad you are starting one!

Try not to dwell on the "what if's". Try to work on becoming an emotionally healthier person and partner. Try not to worry too much about the future...take it one day at a time...literally.

my h had an a for 2 months recently. they met online and spent 2 days together I am 7mths pregnant with our 3 baby this is the most devastating thing anyone can go through! good luck

just checking in...

How are things going for you? Did you get the journal?

OnlyUcan - thanks or checking in on me. Today has had its ups and downs. I find myself slipping and thinking about her a lot today, especially when H and I were riding in the car. My mind was drifting to the Monday that never happened and the conversations they would have had after he picked her up from the airport. My brain has them ripping each others clothes off as soon as they get in the car...how sick is that? I don't know maybe it would have been better for me if they had met in person and had the PA and then decided they were not for each other. I just don't know?

I do have the journal and I will let you know if it helps or not. I know just posting things here has helped me a great deal. Everyone has been so supporative and it is a comfort to know the emotions I am having are normal.