For sure. Sometimes I would print pages from here to put in my journal.

Hang in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

VM

You are doing fine.I still have those days of thinking of them together.Going out of town with H is hard.The music in the car always makes me think of them and them falling in love.
I still have to push the thoughts out of my head.Tell my self its over,its over, he loves me he doesnt think of her,but it is hard.

Even though my H stayed with me I still feel abandon I dont know if that makes sence but that is how I feel he does not understand this.

Let yourself have all your emotions.This will help you heal.Remember it has not been that long and they say it can take 2yrs to get over an A.

You are doing great.Hang in there and keep posting.

gingersnap - I will continue to post here and write in my journal to help me along.

I guess it just seems strange maybe to both of us how OW could come along and grab our H's so fast after we had been with them so long and shared so much.

I had not a clue that my H was not happy with me. I knew he spent a lot of time on the computer playing games, but he had done that for so long and his parents are that way, that I did not think he was having an internet affair. I could not believe it when I asked him about the phone bills. Those words....it was someone I met online, but it is over now. I think those words will always ring in my ears.

He was playing a game and met the OW at that sight. They started out just talking about normal things, but from what my H told me is that there are a lot of comments dropped that lead to continous flirting and then you begin to like that and you want more and more. You are feeding each other all the great stuff you want to hear about being the perfect mate and wanting sex all of the time.

I still think I need to go online and visit one of these sights so I can see how the chatting really is and how individuals get sucked into this serino so quickly. From everything I have read, my H fits the pattern to a T.

Do you and your husband continue to talk about the A or is that a closed book? My H allows me to ask all of the questions that I have and that is good. Sometimes it is hurtful when I hear his answers to some of my questions, but I need to know everything that happened and what he said.

Like I have said before, the little things that that they would share....a conversation on the phone just to leave the other a quick message of missing each other, the phrases he posted on his profile regarding his feelings for her and the icons he had made up that were cute and just for her, just hurt when I think about those things.

But then I have to remember that if I would have paid more attention to him, he hopefully would not have strayed. As he has told me, he was 90% happy with our marriage and was looking for the other 10% (more sex and someone pretty) and thought he had found it.

Guess I don't understand how you would think you have found that person, and be willing to throw away your wife and family in the course of a few months. Just does not make sense to me at all?

Thanks to everyone for their continued support....I really do appreciate it. And I truly do want to spend the rest of my life with my H who is trying so very hard to show me he loves me and is so sorry.

Maybe in the long run all of this will help to make our marriage stronger for the next 25 years. I hope so!

Vm

Everything you said I can relate to.My H also met in game room but he lied to me and told me a different story but when I talk to OW she said they met in a game room.He invited her into his life and just like your H the flirting and then talking of a not so perfect M and the next thing you know they are having an EA.

I dont understand and I feel like you how could he just throw me away.That is how I feel disposable and I do let him know this.It hurts even though he is here I feel totally abandon.

No he will not talk of the A anymore.He did right after d-day but after learning more here I think alot of it was fog talk but alot of what he said back then was very hurtful almost as though he wanted me to tell him it was ok to leave me and move in with her.
Now things are different he says that no matter what he is going no where.

Please do not blame yourself for what your H did.Do not belittle yourself by thinking that you are not pretty enough.I did this to myself and know that we are all beautiful in our own way.I am sure that your H was not and is not perfect.He cant be or he would not have done what he did.You did the best you could it was his choice not yours and you do not need to blame yourself for what happened.
You are a great person and don't think anything less of yourself.
I am sure you have been a wonderful wife and mother for the last 25yrs.

Have a good night and I look forward to talking with you soon.

gingersnap - how did you get up enough nerve to talk with the OW? Did you call her or go into the chat room and look her up? Did it help you in trying to figure out why this all happened.

From what my H said to me is that he was happy with me, but wanted that 10% more which I was not coming up with.

What was your H's excuse for the A? You are such a nice person, we seem a lot alike in so many ways. We have raise our kids to be wonderful people and now is the time we should be excited about starting a new life with our H's. I guess we spent so much time on other folks, we forgot to take some time and care for ourselves.

My H is trying to take care of my emotional needs and it does make a difference when you take the time to connect each day.

Someday the OW will be out of my life....I so look forward to that day. I didn't let her get to me that much today and I think writing to you really helps!

Keep in touch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

gingersnap - I just thought of something....what if the OW is the same woman for your H and my H? My OW seemed to have a history of online A's. My OW is from SC, where is yours from?

onlyucan - how many internet A's has your husband had? Will he not take the programs off your computer for you so he is not tempted? You write that he slipped 7/03...was it with the same OW or someone different?

VM

alot of ? I hope I can answer them all.
NO our OW are different she was from michigan.

I had wanted to talk to her for a long time.H did everything to keep things about her a secret from me.He never even told me her name I found out one day when I came across a letter he sent her.

Anyway about 4or5m after d-day I was picking up after my H and emptying his pockets and found a piece of paper with 2 phone cards,when I looked at the paper it had 2# on it one said H# and one said w# I reconized the # from a note she had sent him that I had found and had tried calling but she was not there(that was back in jan.)so I sent her and e-mail telling her to leave my family alone and take care of her own family.She never wrote back.Anyway after I found this # I was devestated crying,yelling,telling H I hated him,he insisted he had come across the paper while cleaning out his desk he had forgot it was there and meant to throw it away of course I did not believe him.
He called me all night that night from work and I would not pick up the phone.I was so angry.So hurt the pain started all over like day 1.This went on for 2 days and then H tried to turn the whole thing around and blame me for acting like a child and told me he was sick of me crying and he was leaving he could not take it anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

After all of this I just had,had it so I knew she worked on sun.nights so about 5days after finding the # I called her.
She did answer some ? but some she would say "I wont answer that" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
And yes it did help some.I do not know what she looks like and this drives me crazy,I would love to know what she looks like.
I will add that she was pleasent to me,we talked for about 2hrs and at the end she told me she did not know how to end the coversation,she did say how sorry she was.
I emailed her 1 more time,she has never answered it.

My H says he had the A because he thought I did not love him and he felt I did not give him enough attention.This is just a bunch of hog wash if you ask me.All an excuse for something he wanted to do.Yes like many here we were in a hard time due mostly to a teen that had become addicted(sp) to drugs.It was a stressful time,but I was in the same life,he was paying no attention at all to me.I did not cheat,I knew in my heart we would work things out we always did.

Now he says he feels like he jumped the gun and wished he would have been patient like I was.

It is very hard,but I know that if I did not love him it would not hurt.Therefore I stay and try to heal.I am sure you feel this very same thing.

I hope that answers some of your ?
Take care and have a good night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

gingersnap - sorry if I brought up bad memories for you, but I wanted to know if he helped talking to her or not.

Part of me wants to chat with her online, but part of me says .....no it will only stir her up and I need to move on.

I do have an idea of what my OW looks like as H had a picture she sent him, but it was about 10 years old. She was very pretty and I could see why he would want to be with her....implants and all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care and I hope you have a great weekend.

Thanks for being you and helping me through this!

VM

You did not bring up anything to painful,that is why we are here to share our expeiance to try and help someone else.I hope what I am sharing helps you in some small way.

I really hate to see you put yourself down when it comes to OW looks.
The pic was 10yrs old.She had to have AGED we all do.
You are a much more beautiful woman than she ever could be because you have honesty and integrity.She does not.She was willing to be with a married man.That fades any outward beauty.

The real person is the person inside.We can all have surgery to make us anything we want to be but we are still the same person on the inside.Your beauty comes from within.
You are a wonderful woman,make sure you tell yourself that today.
You can say "Gingersnap thinks I am the greatest,and I am" ok.Do it for me.

I hope we can continue to chat and that it will help you(and me)through the pain.

You have a GREAT day ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Talk to you soon.

If you ever want to talk on a more personal level you can always e-mail me:
gingerbread1023@yahoo.com <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My H had multiple online EA's. Some of these women he met in person before he knew me. He was an Internet addict. They were from all over the world.....(other states and international) It makes me sick thinking of it. Yuck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

There were 4 of the OW that continued to pursue him after he met and moved in with me. Partly because he had them thinking that he was going to marry them. I guess you could have considered me OW #5. Anyway, he moved in with me and tried to keep the facade until one of them called my home. It went down hill from there and the more I found out about it, the more he was frantic to keep it going. I uncovered them and told them about each other and crossed all these lines that he worked so hard to keep uncrossed. It was the year from hell!

The final NC letter because he had relapses in contact with these 4 OW was 1/03. The relapses after that were #1) he started to play a game called the Love Game on his cell phone and then had one of the women call him and I happened to pick up...she said she didn't know he was married and would never call again. He had a meltdown after that because he truly thought that I was going to leave him. He discontinued the internet on his phone immediately. Relapse #2) He made a 10 minute phone call to an old girlfriend from his home town that said he would never amount to anything and bragged about how great his life was. Relapse #3) He sent a text message to one of the original 4 OW and said, Hi, How are you? She answered back and said, I'm OK & U? He said he did it to hurt me because he was mad at me. I e-mailed her and laid into her and let her know that I had been kind enough to this point to not tell her husband, but that it was time for me to find him and let him know what the hell was going on. She replied that she had absolutely no feelings for my H and just wanted us to be happy.

WHATEVER!! All of it made me sick and I consider it violation of my boundaries and contact. I deserve to have a life free from the addiction and he knows that.

At this time, I know that he is not contacting them and I don't think he wants to, but I don't know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he will never do it again. He says...once we get past that, we should be home free!

My affair started as an online one. IN my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd have an affair or be sucked into something like that on the internet. My exH had awful hours, and I spent late nights chatting on the internet as my children slept. Yecch!

Now five years after it all started with that one man I'm divorced. (after 21 year marriage) As far as I know, he's still married (25 years). He moved locally (from 500 miles away) into an apartment and lived around here for about a year. He moved back to his area after I ended it, right before my divorce was final.

ExOM had multiple online liasons, and seemed addicted to the whole process of meeting people online and then in person. It's all just fantasy and misrepresentation for many.

Sad stuff, isn't it?

I'm glad that the good Lord forgives us when we see our mistakes, and repent.

H_P

VM

Havent seen you in a few days just making sure all is ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

vmhurtme,

I don't mean to intrude, but I just had to respond to something you'd said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Posted by vmhurtme:
"My OW is from SC, where is yours from?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My OW is from SC too! They met in Yahoo chat. 'Poor thing' had severe marital troubles, and in my h's own words, "SHE NEEDED ME!" That was shouted at me with such intense cold hatefulness. I was so hurt and speechless. I did muster a, "so? why do you care?". He answered, still cold & hateful, "I don't". Huh??? Totally irrational.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Posted by vmhurtme:
"Part of me wants to chat with her online, but part of me says .....no it will only stir her up and I need to move on"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From my own personal experience, it's probably not a good idea. Here are a couple of reasons why:

I had read a post by someone on here, can't remember who it was now, but she was strongly against making contact with the ow. She said if you do, you will never be able to get her voice, or her words, out of your head.

She also stated that if you make contact, then the ow will know a bit more about you, by just talking to you.

She said it'd be much better to not make contact, and just let her wonder about you. I thought this poster's comments made a lot of sense. Sure helped me.

Unfortunately, before I found this site, I did try chatting with my ow, as I pretended to my h.

We had only been online for a couple of months, when he started acting weird. I had asked him a few times if there was anything wrong, and he said no, everything's fine. But I *knew* something wasn't right.

Because of his strange behavior, I started snooping around online. And let me add, I was *EXTREMELY* computer illerate, whereas he was very computer savvy. He also would *NOT* share with me, his computer knowledge at all.

So one night when he was at work, I found my way to Yahoo! chat, logging in as my h. I went to the chatroom that he always went to. It was a user-made room, with mostly all women. There was one, possibly two, men in it.

As soon as I showed in the room, everyone started greeting me. I greeted them back, but didn't want to say too much because I did not know his chat style. His ow was in there, and within a minute, his ow sent me a private message. I replied back, and again, didn't want to say too much because I did not know his chat style. I let her do most of the talking, with me making vague comments and asking a few questions.

I wasn't able to get back in there for a couple of days, due to work schedules. When I did return, which was a couple of days later, she was in there, along with the same ones as before.

They all immediately greeted me again, and within a minute, my h's ow sent me a private message again. I can't remember how our conversation started, but after a couple of vague messages back & forth, she asked me a question about something that I had no clue about.

Well, I played dumb and acted like I had forgotten about it. I sure didn't want to tell her that I didn't know. She told me that if it was really me (my h), I *would* know the answer, that it was what 'we' had talked about the other day, so we'd know for sure that it was really 'us' that was chatting. In other words, she & my h had made up their own secret little code! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I was filled with such rage!! Then I noticed the other women in there started asking my h's ow stuff like, "is she still here?" "where is she?" My h's ow answered them that yes, I was still in there. Then I saw a bunch of "LOL's"!! They were all laughing at me! Bigger rage still! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I couldn't handle it, and I lost it. I left the chatroom immediately, and called my h at work. It was late at night. He adamently denied having any kind of code with her. I *knew* he was lying. The more he lied, the uglier I got. So much so, that his co-worker could hear my voice!

We hung up, but he called me back not long after that. Seems he talked to his co-worker, who's a close friend of his too, and told him what had happened. His co-worker is the one that talked him into calling me back & telling me about it. He said he was sorry. That yes, he had made up a code with her. I asked why. He said because he liked talking to her and he didn't want me to ruin it for him! I was just crushed... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

He told me later, that the night after I had talked to her for the first time, as him, he was chatting with her. She commented to him that he was pretty quiet the other night. He told her he hadn't been online that night. She said that she had talked to him. He figured out it must've been me, and told her that. That's when they decided to make up a code that only they knew.

That was so incredibly hurtful. Plus the fact that they were all laughing at me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

He had become so quiet & distant with me, but!... he liked talking to her and didn't want me to ruin it for him. It just added to the pain that was already there.

That was my chat experience with my h's ow. If I had it to do over again, I'm pretty sure that I would. But really, all I did was put myself in a position for more pain. And more pain is what I got!

I'm not trying to hijack your thread. Just giving you something to ponder. I think this would be a perfect example of:

"Be careful what you wish for".

cocoa101

Gingersnap - all is well with me. I just needed to take a couple of days break from here as I think I needed a break from such a depressing topic.

I am trying to take care of myself and stay busy and I walk everything to clear my head.

Sometimes the OW pops into my head, but it seems to happen less often.

Husband has been wonderful and continues to answer any question that comes to mind.

I have not tried to contact the OW, or try to see if she is on line and she has left us alone.

So now it is time to work on my M with my husband to start a new life with the best of the old and the work on the few items we neglected on both ends.

I still have some trouble when he needs to be on the computer, but I am working on that. And he has not wanted to play games on the computer at all which does not lead him down that wrong path. I know someday he will want to play again and it will be hard for me to trust him, but I will have to.

Hope you are well, and thanks for checking on me. How are you?

cocoa101 - my brain has me wondering if our OW are one in the same? I believe my OW did this often with various men and never really wanted a committment, but I could be wrong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I "think" I have gotten over that urge to contact her in a chat situation. That night on the computer when I was talking with her made me physically ill.

All I could think of is that this woman knew she could possibly be breaking up a family and that did not seem to bother her at all. How sad is that?

How old is your OW and did she have a family?

You can contact me at purple1957@hotmail.com if you would like to see if we have the same OW.

There is a lot of support here and I hope everyone here can help you through as they have helped me.

Hello VM

I am doing ok and can relate that at times we need a break from the forum.But I must admit I am addicted to the forum.However I just have a few I keep close tabs on and seldom do I run my own thread anymore.

I feel like you and have told H how it hurts me when he is online late at night.Right now things are not all that great I have had a set back but I am sure this will pass soon.
We are going through a very difficult time w/our S and the added stress is not helping me.Everything feels to much like before the A.I think maybe I need a vacation.

Take care and I will check in with you again soon.
I think I told you before but if I did not here is my e-mail if you want to mail me.
gingerbread1023@yahoo.com
I keep in contact w/a few I have met here on the forum via e-mail.

My FWH had multiple online A's ongoing last year when I checked the history of the chat sites. Pretty explicit, very sexual. He claimed I wasn't giving him enough SF (I reminded him that we were having more than in the past few years...)

I thought we worked it out, didn't talk much about it.

Then this year he met a gal and kept up an email R. Then they met.

That's when I found this site, and found a good key logger program...it captures in a hidden file every keystroke made on the computer. I purchsed one that hides itself when the computer is turned on and needs a set of keys pressed to open it. My H was offended and angry.

Now after a 6 month rollercoaster ride we are finally on the recovery path. He doesn't mind the keylogger still on there and knows I check it every so often, I also check his email. He has taken off chat programs and instant messenger.

He admitted that the online A's he had last year he is more ashamed of than the PA he had this year. I feel strongly that if we had worked things out better last year (I had found this site, and he had REALLY come clean about the A's) then he wouldn't have had a PA this year. But no way to tell.

Is an online A real? Oh yes, and the way my H talks, more shameful than his PA.