I called and left a message for the OW's husband and OW recieved it and called my husband in Canada. He just called me and SCREAMED at me like I've never heard him scream before, telling me OW is going to go to HR and the president of the his company and get him fired. He said if he were here he would be calling a divorce laywer right now to file papers. OH MY GOD!!! What did I do?

troubled,

I don't know enough of your background to know the context of this....but I know enough about what happens when affairs are exposed to recognize what is a very common reaction. I know it's scary....but his anger will subside. Remember this....and this is important chere....whatever happens is because of the affair and is your husband's fault....not yours. He'll be angry and he'll try to lay the blame for all the badness on you...but he can't if you don't let him. No WS wants to accept the consequences of their choices....but you know what....that's just tough. He wants to be protected from his mistake...but there is no protection for you. This is a normal reaction for a wayward. Please take heart, and don't assume because he's angry now, that he will stay angry. He will use that to manipulate you with your love for him and the fear you have that he will leave. Exposure doesn't ruin marriages....affairs do.

I don't feel like I'm equipped to deal with this. He's telling me he's not having an affair with her and making me feel like a crazy person. I just called him backed and apologized profusely. I admitted I was wrong. I told him I never wanted to hurt anyone, least of all him because that's the truth. I won't be calling this woman's husband anymore. It's just not worth it.

trouble unless you have routinely cried affair wolf then odds are you are sensing something to be concerned about.

What is not worth it is pretending nothing is happening if you truly believe it is.

It is quite typical even when confronted with overwhelming evidence for a wayward spouse to say nothing is happening.

I am not trying to raise your level of suspicion but you had your fears for some reason.

If it bothered you enough to make acusations then it is eating at you on the insides.

Unfortunately if something is going on then you have alerted him to your suspicions and he will be very guarded in the future.

Yes you could be wrong and I hope you are but something inside you made you call the OW's husband and something inside of you caused you to seek out this site.

Hang in there.

I was just lying on the sofa, staring at the cieling and praying with all my heart that God would give me some direction and reveal what all this is for. Have the last 13 years of my life with this man been a lie? I was begging, pleading, God, give me some answers and I felt alone. It occurred to me that I must be praying to a void. If there is a God, surely he would see that I need him right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by troubled1:
<strong>I called and left a message for the OW's husband and OW recieved it and called my husband in Canada. What did I do?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You did THE RIGHT THING. Why let his crap continue on? He does wrong things; he needs to realize there ARE such things as CONSEQUENCES for it. Are you in Plan A or Plan B yet? Hopefully so.
May the Lord keep you, heal your hurting heart and restore your Marriage.
Peace, Harold

Troubled,

DO NOT LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU!!!!!

When the A is exposed, the WS is backed in a corner and all defenses come out. He is going to scream at you, he's going to threaten to leave you, he's going to everything he can to make it look like you're the bad guy in all this. He's going to make you feel like you're crazy, he's going to say things to cover his own A$$ and protect himself.

If, there was nothing going on, his wife should have passed her H the phone. Obviously she's scared (she called your H), he's also scared but he's going to direct that fear as anger towards you. Do not accept it.

It's happened to almost everyone of us here once the A was exposed. When it does get exposed the WS has to deal with alot of emotions: shame, guilt, regret. They live in a world of denial and will do everything in their power to transfer the blame on everyone but themselves. Sure, he's upset his little secret is out people know about it now that's why he's angry, he's come out of la-la-land into the real world.

Once again, do not let him manipulate you, he is going to use your love for him as a way to get what he wants. I would still tell the OW H. Don't let his anger control your actions.

troubled1,

I am very cautious about posting advice because I don't feel enough confidence to do so. But I do feel confident to fully support the advice you've been given.

Also, I have 3 thoughts...

1) I may have missed something with your story, but if there is nothing going on with your H and OW, how did she know where to reach him while he's in Canada? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

2) If OW is living with her husband, I suggest never leaving a message for OW's H, for the exact reason of what has happened. I would talk to him directly.

3) I don't mean this in a mean way at all, but I think it would help you immensely if you would make a strong decision to follow the advice given on this site.

Don't go back & forth. It makes one highly manipulatable. It's just too counterproductive to do so.

I found inner strength from reading on this site. Not just the articles, but others' stories as well.

I know it's very, very, scary. It's like, trust your marriage, your world, your life, to a bunch of faceless strangers, but, I can't stress enough - THESE FOLKS *KNOW* WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT! And they really do care.

You see, before I found this place, I pretty much did the opposite of what I should've done. I could've been the poster girl for "UN-marriage builders". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

And so I know firsthand, the opposite (of the advice you've been given) is way wrong! I learned the hard way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> - but you don't have to... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

With sincere concern

cocoa101

Hi T,
My experience is that you are NOT praying into a void. If you doubt, ask him to help you know that he is there and that he will help you.

God does not make our problems all go away, but he can and does help us get through them. When my children learned to walk, they fell down a great many times, and sometimes they got hurt and cried. I held their hands sometimes, I got them back up, and I kissed them until they stopped crying. I didn't catch them all the time, because I thought that falling down was part of learning to walk. The learned, and now they walk fine.

I can't say just what will happen to you now. I don't know what your H will do. We know (as mentioned above) that something was going on or OW would not have known how to reach him, and he wouldn't be upset at you now. You can't control what our H does now, but do you really want to be with someone that does something this wrong and then screams at you when he is caught at it, or when others find out? Think about that for a little while. I think you can call that abuse any way you look at it, and he is doing it because he thinks it will work, and for no other reason. Think about what he is doing, and think about having a good marriage. I believe if it were me, (when he screamed at me) I would say " when you can talk calmly then call back," and then hang up. What he is doing is abuse, and he is doing it to manipulate you.

Think about us too. Why would we try and mislead you? Do we have some kind of hidden agenda or ulterior motive? What about your H? Is he neutral, and wants to save your marriage any way he can? Or is he cheating on you and trying to hide it, and trying to shut you down any way he can, including verbal, and mental abuse. What is his motive? What is our motive?

I hope that helps you know what to do, and what direction to go. Why are they (H, and OW) so afraid if they have done nothing wrong? The only answer that makes any sense is that they have done something wrong, and don't want anyone to find out about it. I wish you had a recording of your H screaming at you. I almost recommend getting a restraining order against him and having him come home to his things out on the street. I am saying this because I think he needs to have something get his attention so you can talk to him, and I think this may have the desired effect.

I want you to understand that I don't have all the answers, and I don't pretend to know everything, but I do think you need to protect yourself from this person that was once a loving H, and has turned into a monster.

Remember again, you did not cause anything. Ask yourself again, why is he so upset? Is it because you did something wrong? OR is it because others are about to find out about things HE has done wrong? I believe plain and simple that like many others who commit a "crime" he doesn't want to get caught.

I wish we could help you more. I hope you can get help via local abuse hot line, or a good friend. I hope this can serve as a reality check to an extent. YOU are not the problem here, you are not, and you need to know the truth.

He is essentially saying that if you tell anyone about his affair, he will divorce you. What kind of threat is that? Do you want to stay with someone that thinks like that?

Please know that people care about you. Please know that God will help. He has helped me many times, and if you continue to do the best you can, he will help you also. I have learned that it is best to do the right thing no matter what, and let others cope with their own actions.

Let him cope with his, or he won't learn anything from all this.

You cannot save him, you can only work on you, and hope he responds in time. Please protect yourself, and your emotions, even if it means you have to go to a shelter or to live with a friend until he cools down. You are too important and valuable to have him destroy your faith in your own worth and abilities. The things he is saying about you are not true, and you need to know it.

I'll pray for your family, and for you to know that you really can and will get help from God.

I believe you should get counsel from a cleryg person, or professional counseler so you will have help proceeding safely, and know what to do when he comes home. Don't trust what H says, you already know he has not been truthful about everything. Please get advice from someone close to you that can help you to see things more clearly without your H clouding your thinking.

Let us know how you are from day to day, we worry about you.

SS

<small>[ August 24, 2003, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi There,
Thanks for the replies and support. To clarify, yes my husband did scream at me and lose his temper on the phone but he has never hit me in the 13 years we've been together and I'm not afraid that he would. It's hard for me to tell if he lost his temper to protect the affair and the other woman or if he was afraid for his carear because he thought she might go to HR and the president of his company. He said she wanted to have me thrown in jail for harassment. I told him she really didn't have a case since I'm trying to reach her husband not her and nothing I am doing could even remotely be construed as harassment. I don't know what she's really telling him though. Also, they work together and they're also "friends" as I have come to find out so that's why she knows how to contact him in Canada.

I'm doing ok. I have times where my pain is distracted by my job, my marathon training and my two dogs and then there are moments where my those things are distracted by my pain if that makes any sence. I took my mother to the airport yesterday morning and then went for an 18 mile run so I had alot of time to think needless to say. I noticed that whatever I was thinking about, at every minute I would still feel the weight of my situation upon me and the uncertainty of my future. I feel about 75 - 80% sure he will divorce me when he gets back. I wonder if anyone keeps track of the success rate of marriagebuilders and if I employ the techniques properly, what our chances would be. I'm only half of the equation though, I don't think I can make him change his feelings for me.

I have been taking St Johns Wort for my mood. I'm trying to decide if I need to see someone about getting some meds to handle my depression. I'm hoping I can pull out of it on my own.

I would like to express how encredibly thankful I am that there are amazing people out there that come to this forum to help others (like myself) in their moments of need. I'm amazed at the wisdom and caring hearts of the people here. I've never seen anything like it and I want you all to know that I am filled with gratitude to you all and hope someday I can help others out of their crisis as well.

Sorry to ramble...

Thanks for being there!

Troubled, do not feel bad if you need to take something to help you thru this. What you are dealing with is in one of the top 5 most stressful things a person can go thru. I took Effexor for a year and a half and it didn't make me an unemotional zombie. It did however help me to sleep and not worry so much so I could deal with day to day life. I've been off it for a few months now and looking back I am so glad I did it. I too tried St Johns Wart and excersizing to help with my inner struggles, to no avail. My depression and anxiety came from the death of a close family member. It sent me off the deep end and I couldn't dig out of the hole myself.

I'm so sorry for what your H is doing to you. Hopefully, in the near future, you will be rewarded for enduring these tough times.

I just picked my H up from the airport. The tension is absolutely palpable. I don't really know how I should behave with him. The feelings I have are overwhelming and I'm trying to keep them contained. I'm angry, hurt, disgusted...you name it. It's bringing me to tears.