My ex-husband and I were married for 15 years, have 3 kids. About 10 years ago I had an affair with a co-worker, it lasted about a year,ex found out about a year and a half ago. I really hoped he would never have to know, but he does now and divorced me about 2 months after he found out. I am miserable, he is miserable. We've talked several times about trying again, but, he says until I can tell why I cheated he can't. I don't know that answer!! I've told him all I know.It would probably be best to just go our seperate ways but I can't let go. I had no reason for doing what I did. I have lived with all this guil for a long time and am still living with it. I told him that this has gone on long enough and that he should know if he wants to try again by now.And now he has stopped talking or seeing me at all. When he picks up the kids or drops them off he doesn't even come in. I love him so much !!This is killing me. Sometimes I wish it would anyways. How can I make him see how sorry I really am?

I am so sorry for what happened between you and your H but sadly divorce is often one of the consequences of having an affair. Let's face it, right now he has NO reason to trust that you wouldn't have another affair if the two of you got together. How can you make him see how sorry you really are? I would have to say that a good first step is by finding an answer as to why you had your affair.

I would suggest that you go to fill out the EN(emotional needs) questionaire (see my link below) to find out what your most important EN's are. Doing this may give you and idea if the reason you had your A(affair) was due to unmet EN by your ex-H.

I would also like for you to read hopeful_person who is another woman that had an affair and her husband divorced her. You would learn a lot by reading her posts (I'll try to see if I can find her posts for you) for she is slowly making inroads with her ex-H in trying to establish a relationship.

Hang on for there are others that will come along with their wise words to help you.

Sad Ex,
Coffeeman sent me over here, I never read this particular forum. I'm glad he did.

Your situation is a lot like mine in that we're both divorced due to our infidelity and we don't want to be. Like Coffeeman said, divorce is a real consequence of adultery.

I think yours is especially painful as the infidelity happened so long ago, and you're paying the price now. I'm sure all seemed fine and then he found out.

My background:
My divorce was final over a year ago after 21 years of marriage, and I'm waiting/hoping for a restoration of my marriage. In fact, DDay was in February 2001 after we'd separated the previous fall, and right DDay I begged him for a chance. The answer has been 'no'. I ended the affair in July of 2002, right before the divorce was final. The A lasted FOUR years including the internet relationship, long distance relationship. exOM moved to be near me, and I ended it after he'd been here a year. I could see as soon as he moved locally that it was all so ridiculous. I'd separated two years after I began the long distance internet affair, before exH knew of the affair.

ExH could never tell me that he NEVER wanted to reconcile, but he certainly hasn't given me much hope at all until quite recently. Just like your exH, he never even came inside the house when he picked up the kids. He does now only because our eldest doesn't go visit him regularly anymore and I told him I thought it would be nice for him to pop in here and say 'hi' when he sees her car at home.

As Coffeeman said, you should do the EN questionaire and see why you had the affair. I do know what you mean by saying you don't know. I think beyond the questionaire I can say that I did it in part due to being overly selfish, curious, and immature. I also needed too much male attention. I'm sure if you think back to when it began , you'll remember more the way it made you feel and what you liked about it. In reality, the exOM didn't show me admiration the way my exH did. He did, however, really act like he NEEDED me, and that was something my exH never did. I need to feel needed. Now I realize that exH needed me too, he just expressed it in more 'action' ways instead of conversational, word ways.

You said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told him that this has gone on long enough and that he should know if he wants to try again by now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just how long has it gone on? I've been asking for a second chance for almost three years, although realistically how could I truly be honest in all of it if I didn't say 13 months....as that's when I ended the affair.

I don't think you realize the depth of pain a BS feels. Telling him it's gone long enough is kind of minimizing his pain. He feels totally betrayed, and maybe it's even worse in that he now realizes that for the past several years of marriage he was living a lie in that he didn't know what you'd done.

He shouldn't know by now if he wants to try or not. Everyone is different! Sure, some decide to try right away, but in his case and in my exH's case they need more time. That's just who they are.

Now is the time YOU need to give him time, and show him you are serious in your love for him.

If you truly love him, it isn't hard to continue loving despite the lack of response on his part. It is frustrating, I know that. I love my exH more than ever, and I am in a lot of pain about him and I not being together...but I love him more than ever and I'm hopeful that he'll one day return to me.

How old are your kids? They must be little if he has to 'pick them up'. (less than driving age) All the more reason to wait this out, and rebuild your marriage.

When was DDay? That's important to know, too. Time and patience, is what they've all told me here since I first came almost a year ago.

About four weeks ago, exH told me that for the first time in all this mess he's now 'considering' a reconciliation. He also told me not to push, or I'd "blow it". I'm respecting his feelings.

Here's how I see it, and this was pointed out to me by a 'real life' friend. Our exHusbands had no choice in all of this as far as the affairs go. They had NO CONTROL. We did the bad thing, and they are the victims. They perhaps need to feel control now in all of it. Give him that sense of being in control in all of this!

Treat him kind. Do nice things for him, but don't push too hard. Some here have posted to me that I should try touching exH's hand more, etc, but thus far I've not been one to do that much. I know how he is, and the more I push the harder he'll retreat. Maybe yours is different, so you may try that, too. When he picks up the kids, go out and say hello.

I have sent cards and letters to my exH, but I haven't lately. You could try doing that occasionally, but there again my exH told me that the cards made him feel 'pressured.'

I wish I could be of more help. Give this time, time, time.

My exH told me I acted like it would be 'tomorrow' (the reconciliation) I said , "WIll it be in five to ten years?" He said, "Not that long." I quit questioning at that point.

I'd wait a LONG time as I know it's the right thing to do. It's the thing my religion would tell me to do, too. The last thing I'd want is to give up on exH, and later on get involved with someone else. That wouldn't be 'being true' to my heart, nor would it be right for my family.

I've gone on and on, hope it's made sense. One more thing to remember:

This is the price we pay, for what we did.

The sooner you accept that, and get more patient, the more serene and happy you'll feel. Work on your life, concentrate on your kids. Find a hobby and get involved in it, seriously! Show exH that you're competent and mature. After all, having an affair is immature and inept, right? I admit it's hard to come here and see other BS's who forgive right away, and work on the marriage right away. Just remember the saying "Comparision is the root of all unhappiness." Be calm, patient, and loving. Time is what he needs, and don't demand an answer of how long.

Take care and keep coming here! You'll find a lot of support and caring. I'll be right beside you in all of this, believe me.
H_P

My first post here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=020225;p=1

Progress made topic:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=024616#000001

I can't tell you how much your response helped me.It is so good to hear from someone who has been there.This might sound pretty pathetic, but I don't really have any friends, at least none that even begin to understand what i'm going through.They all tell me to forget him and get on with my life! But I don't know how.Nor do I want to get on with my life without him. This sounds selfish, I know, but i am scared to death that if I leave him alone to sort this out that he will meet another woman. We've been married since we were 18. we already had a son before marriage. We never had any time alone. Maybe that had something to do with why.But he tells me he doesn't know if he still loves me. That is killing me!!! I'm so depressed all the time, I can't take proper care of my kids, my home,I'm not even employed right now, so I have nothing to keep myself busy. And to make it worse, we were still having sex up until a couple of weeks ago. Because I couldn't say no to him, I thought maybe that was one way to hold onto him. But now he doesn't even want that from me. I'm sooooo pathetic. You asked how old my kids are 16, 12, and 3. I know it's hardest on my 12 year old daughter. And also my divorce was final over a year ago in july.

sad*ex please read and reread hopeful_person's post to you for you will see things you may have missed the first time you read it.

<small>[ August 24, 2003, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Sad Ex,
I'm so glad that my words could help you somehow. There are many others in this world who've been through this madness. Isn't it all the more painful to know that it's a mess we, as WS's, have created.

It doesn't sound pathetic when you say you have no friends. Many people don't have good friends. It's hard to find a friend who's true and kind, and helpful through good times and bad. I feel blessed to have a few in my life. Others who I thought were my friends, turned out not to be.
That happens too, and you just move on.

I've met my dearest, lifelong friends at church. I haven't attended the same church as them in years, but it was a wonderful blessing to have met them there. I don't attend church regularly anymore myself, but I should.

I must add though that none of my friends 'know' what I"m going through at all. Some tell me to 'move on'. I can't erase a 30 year relationship, I love him dearly.

I find most of my best support has been here at MB. People here truly understand the difficulty one faces with infidelity, and that infidelity doesn't mean you just dump the whole marriage. Most people in the 'real' world don't give us the encouragement we need in trying to restore our marriages. Especially in our cases--we're divorced!

You did say,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This sounds selfish, I know, but i am scared to death that if I leave him alone to sort this out that he will meet another woman. We've been married since we were 18. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I too was very afraid of losing my husband to someone else. I told him so many times. So far he hasn't dated anyone else. I'm still afraid of it, but less so at this point.

The fear is normal, but you have to give him time to let him sort this out. You can't control it, really. It has to be on his time, and in God's time.

Let's imagine he does meet someone else, and date a bit. Talk about painful for you, but on the other hand it's not something you can control. He needs to feel in control here. If he's going to date, he'll date. It's not in your hands, really. Just continue loving him without pressuring him and show him you're a wonderful woman. Words are kind of empty, actions speak louder!

My exH and I had children young too, and we didn't have much leisure time alone. I know that hurt our marriage, too.

You said you're very depressed. I suggest you begin exercising regularly, start a new hobby, and go to the MD for some anti-depressants. I had to take them several years ago for a few months after a loved one died, and they helped me immensely. I haven't taken them throughout my marital problems/divorce, but perhaps I should have. I have a job that is super-intense, so I threw/throw my energy into that.It's a job that is people-oriented and 'giving' , so that helps me too.

My exH also tells me he doesn't think he loves me. The last time I asked was several months ago, actually. He told me that when he found out about exOM the love for me plummeted to nothing. That sounds normal to me, doesn't it? I try not to dwell on that, and have faith that the love is there for me, somewhere in his hurt heart.

Truly, if you're too depressed to take care of your home and kids, then you do need some serious help. I find that moving around and getting things done and organized can be very therapeutic. The worse thing to do is to sit, inactive, and mope about everything. It also won't make you look too appealing, will it? I know that during my separation/divorce I've had times like that, but not for very long. You must get moving and not dwell on the negative stuff!

Don't beat yourself up over having sex with him recently. You're human! Let him feel the emotions he needs to feel, and don't take it personally that he doesn't 'try' anything sexually with you anymore. I haven't had a 'sexual' overture/pass from my exH since long before separation. In fact, it's been about four years. That doesn't stop my love for him, I just know that the feelings are there but they're buried for him, for now. I have faith that they'll come back in time.

I'm amazed you can survive without being employed, but so be it. I didn't work fulltime or have a career until I was separated. Perhaps you should get a job? Even if you don't need one (I have no idea on your financial sitch) you can busy yourself with other things. There's no reason to be bored, ever, in life--but that's my personality. Take up a hobby, really now! Better yet, volunteer some time giving to other people somewhere. That will help your self esteem oodles.

Your divorce was final right before mine was. There's no reason to give up , not at all.

My pastor told me that he's remarried MANY divorced couples. In fact, he told me he remarried one couple twice! They'd divorced and remarried TWICE. I know a man who divorced his wife, had a baby/marriage with another gal, and then went back to his wife. That's not the way to go, but really--people do remarry after divorce. Finally, my insurance agent told me she sees it constantly. It's more common than one would think. Some spouses (like ours) file for divorce quickly, I feel, without trying to work on the marriage. Then the day comes when they realize they were too hasty. Now if we can just break through their pride/stubborness to get them to see it was all done to quickly! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That's where time and patience come in. It will show him you mean it, if you are patient, kind, and respectful of his need for time.

Hope this has helped! Take care and let me know how it's going.

H_P

You need to tell him why. How can he trust you again if you do not know why you did it the first time? How can you avoid doing the same thing again?

Since you don't know why, you need to find out. IC can help. However, the majority of women conform to the Harley model of why they have affairs. Reading Surviving an Affair gave my wife about 60% of the answer to the "Why" question (she didn't really know why either). The rest of the answer came from reading "Torn Asunder", by Carder. "The State of Affairs", by Mulliken, is also helpful for some people, because he looks at things a little differently than either Carder or Harley, and "Not Just Friends" by Glass is also good, and she looks at things through a different lense.

One more thing: My wife had no close female friends that she saw regularly. That was one of the contributing factors to the affair, and it is a fairly common one.