Desperately need your help.....(long story)

We've be married just 2 1/2 years, known each other to almost 6 years. I guess our relationship has been one that's "explosive" for lack of a better word, but unfortunately in a bad way, according to my husband. He claims that the our marriage has been a dysfunctional one since day one. Bottom line, is he feels that it's been sexless on my part, I give him no affection to the degree that he likes, we don't spend that much time together, like we are roommates. The list goes on.

Now I do love my husband very much, and now I can see what he's been telling me these past 2 1/2 years. We've done counseling, didn't help one bit. We argue so much, to the point of exhaustion. The arguing comes from the way he speaks to me, as a father to his daughter. It's disrespectful, it's hurtful, like anything I say is "idiotic, immature, etc." That is what my mind process this as. The name calling, I can go on and on. Now I lived with that for the first 18 years of my life with my father, and when I left home at 18, I promised myself, never would I be put in a situation like that again.

So you see, he has his issues and I have mine. The difference is, I accept the reality of my low sex drive, (I plan on seeing someone to check my hormones), but when I explain to my husband the issues I have with him, he just doesn't see it. He says he does not talk to me in the way I say he does. I've even given him days and statements that I've kept a journal on, but of course he says that, that is my "spin" on it.

A month ago, his behavior started to change and even though he's always nagged at me about not having sex with him as often as he would like, I never thought he would start an affair. He did admit visiting porn sites, but I guess it just wasn't good enough. Instead of coming to me to let me know that, he was very close in going outside our marriage, he just did it.

We recently went on a nice family trip to Hawaii, but he would keep disappearing, claiming he had business to deal with, either emails or phone calls. When we returned, I found an email that he had sent to the OW. He had be in touch with her while we are vacation, saying how much he missed her, etc. Even signed off as Love,..........

I called him at work immediately to ask him about it. He came home so we could talk. Said that he didn't love me anymore. I wasn't the same vibrate woman he married, etc. They had met when she came into his work with a relative to purchase some car parts, about 3-4 months prior to the affair turning sexual. He claims it had only been 3 times, as recent as the week before we left on OUR trip. He said she knew he was married, and I don't know what else he said to her to persuade her to start an affair. We spoke more about it when he came home from work. At first he just said he wanted out and wanted a divorce. After more discussion, we decided that he would just move into another bedroom, have no physical connection and try to start from scratch.

The next day, I found an email on travel reservations, for the both of them going back to Hawaii. At that point I decided to react and send the OW an email, saying that didn't she realize that he was a married man and we had just got back from OUR vacation and to contact me. Immediately, I called him on the phone, while he was on his way home from work, told him my discovery and what I had done, (sending the email) and he said that he was so embarrassed, that he had indeed lied to her, telling her he was single, he would not be contacting her whatsoever, except to give her back her portion that she paid for their trip. He would arrange to leave it at work so she could pick it up there. He was so humiliated and embarrassed that he hadn't any intention of contacting her.

After this conversation with my husband, we received an email from her, very upset of course. Saying, "why did you waste my time, you should have told me you were married, lose my number and give my back my money and I never want to hear from you again" Now I got a sick feeling, call it intuition, but it felt like her words about the money, etc. were just like my husband's words. I felt like he had called her after our conversation and persuade her somehow to write these words just to cast off any more suspicion to their continued affair.

Keep in mind now, ever since I found out about the affair my emotional outbursts were too much for him to handle, so he left for a Hotel for the week.

Now my husband claimed he had set up a business trip for the end of the week. Their trip was scheduled from Thursday through Monday. But his business trip would be Friday through Monday. So my husband did leave the money, for her to pick it up, but the very next day HE called her. Again convinced her to go somehow, that the trip was paid for, she got her money back, that they should go on the trip anyway. But I had only found this out on that Thursday that they were to originally leave. I had tried to call him after lunch, cell voice mail came on immediately, which tells me that it was off. The only time he turns that cell off is when we're asleep or on a plane. Again, I got a sick feeling, make a few calls and did find out that boarding passes were issued to both of them. When he called me later that night, he was still lying about where he was. Couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Now his comments have been during all of this, even though he said he would try to work things out with us, was: "I honestly thought we were over after we got back from Hawaii". That my reactions to all of this was shocking to him, he didn't think I cared for him at all, since I was lacking in showing that to him.

Currently, just today as a matter of fact, he moved a few things out of the house. Looking for an apartment, saying that he needs some time alone. Well, we all know what that means, and I'm trying my hardest, not to be confrontational, needy, etc., but it's so hard because he's be doing nothing but avoiding the issues that need to be discussed. He now claims that a divorce was something he didn't want, to try a trial seperation, but still need to be away from me. I know for a fact that his lies continue, he didn't stay at the hotel he said he was, but stayed with her. Up until these last few days, though, he says he's been staying with a close friend. The apartment searching has been unsuccessful. He has given me addresses at places he's looking at, but the address doesn't exist. More lies.

I'm so confused, because I do still love him, and of course I really do want to work things out. But he's giving me mixed signals, telling me things just too appease me, all more lies. He now wants to sell our dream house that we've only had since we got married. There is so much for both of us to lose. His business is suffering and for what, his selfish needs?? He says he wants to go into counseling himself to figure out why he can't show emotions, or feel guilt for doing this to me. The only thing he feels is that he was wrong for starting an affair before ending our marriage.

Can you see why I'm getting the mixed signals. First he speaks of ending our marriage by divorce, then he says he never had any intention of divorcing, just a trial separation. A divorce would not be beneficial to him, he claims. You see I put in the majority of the down payment for the house and even though I would get that back, and then some, he's got a lot to lose with his business. I believe he's just riding me along and when the time's right financially for him, that's when he'll file.

I know this was very long, just wanted to make sure you got the details. I don't know how to handle this. When we do talk, he picks arguments with me, claiming I'm irrational, etc. Well, of course I am, look what's happened. Should I just file myself or wait it out, since I still do love him, God help me.

Look forward to hearing from any of you as soon as possible. I'm at the end of the ropes that I feel like I could hurt myself, because I'm in so much pain.

Thank you,
Lemon13