Hi Cerri, (and anybody else who'd like to comment - PLEASE!)

My SIL (BIL's wife) emailed me today and told me that my H finally went over to visit them yesterday (BIL is not accepting his lifestyle and does not want anything to do with him). But of course, he did not close the door on him. He was there about 7 hours. Anyways. They talked about our situation and the choices my H has made. My H asked his brother why he doesn't call him or at least look for him. BIL said that he does not agree with what he is doing. H then asked what he was doing wrong. (DUH?) BIL told him that he was committing adultery and H asked what adultery was to him. BIL gave his explanation of it. Then H gave a whole bunch of excuses (unknown to me)trying to justify his actions but BIL just told him that what he was doing was wrong and that if he wanted to make things straight, he hadto make up his mind on what he wanted and if he didn't want to be with me, then he needed to divorce me. H said that divorce was just a piece of paper that has no value to him. BIL got upset and said that perhaps the divorce has no meaning to him but it does to everybody else and himself. Then BIL mentioned how my H had said before that he didn't want any children but now he was with someone that has a child. H said that this OW has made him change his mind about that. BIL was really upset now and told him that he was willing to listen to this OW but he wouldn't listen to his own family.

Turns out that my H just bought a laptop. (and a car about a month ago) but when askedabout the divorce, he said he didn't have $300 and that was not important to him. BIL told him that he couldn't be his friend as beforebecause friends tell the truth and tell you when you are doing wrong and H didn't want to listen to those things. Therefore they had nothing to talk about. Since my BIL is about to have his first baby, he told him that he couldn't introduce my H to his children since hewasn't about to show them that cheating and breaking promises to God was acceptable. H just said that he can use him as a bad example then but BIL said that he couldn't, cause that would mean that he has accepted what he's done and he doesn't. BIL told him that he's just being so selfish and only thinking about himself. How come he didn't ask how others felt about his decisions. BIL thinks that his NOW friends are not fulfilling him anymore and that is why he's starting (or at least wanting) to come back to his family. According to my SIL, he's still carrying the child seat in his car (therefore, is still with OW) BIL kept talkint to him about divroce and making the right thing that he just got pretty upset and picked up his things and left. BIL said he was upset but SIL says that he just looked VERY sad when he walked out. He just turned to her and told her to take care of the baby and left.

What do you make of all this? Why is he looking for his brother now? Why is divorce not important to him when he was the one to bring it
up in the beginning? Is he not sure of what he wants therefore does not want to divorce yet? I was hurt when I read this but it really got
me thinking and wondering what really is going thru his mind. Any comments are greatly appreciated. By the way, I'm still in Plan B and actually doing VERY good. Thanks for your help.

H98

<small>[ August 27, 2003, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: hopeful98 ]</small>

No one wants to lose their family. Well, ok... some don't care... but for the most part we want to know that there is someone from our childhood that we can "go home" to. People who know us, know our history, share our memories.

I have to applaud your BIL and SIL for taking such a strong stand. I wish they'd lay off the D talk, but at least they are not condoning the A.

My guess would be that the novelty of the A is wearing off and that your H is looking for some connection out of the fantasy bubble of the affair where they only have eyes, ears and time for each other.

I would also suspect that given enough time the child will cause some conflict as well.

Hang in there and stay with Plan B. Are you taking care of you?

C

Yes, I also wish they would have laid off the D talk but BIL just wants him to do things right. He was affected very much by all this and was pretty depressed at first.

What do you think of his opinion on the Divorce only being an insignificant piece of paper? He's the one that wanted to get divorced and even spoke to a paralegal about it but now it has no meaning to him? What could have happened there? It's just so confusing.

Yes, I also realize that the child will cause some conflict but I'm also afraid that this OW will get pregnant from him. I don't think I'd be able to accept that.

I'm hanging in here as best as I can and WILL stay in Plan B. Yes, I'm also taking good care of myself. I'm home alone right now for 2 weeks (parents on vacation) and have plenty of time for myself. I'm enjoying as best as I can. Thanks.

H98

What do you think of his opinion on the Divorce only being an insignificant piece of paper? He's the one that wanted to get divorced and even spoke to a paralegal about it but now it has no meaning to him? What could have happened there? It's just so confusing.

Sounds like someone put words in his mouth.

I agree w/Cerri. If the D papers are insignificant, then what about the marriage certificate?

I'm going to post what the Deacon of our church's sermon was about last week re "Holy Sex"

What do you make of all this?
Reality bites?

SoDisappointed - You're right. What about the marriage certificate? He's just so fogged.

I'll read your "Holy Sex" post. Thanks.

Chris -

Reality bites?

Would that be for him? or for me?

Reality bites for him.

Cerri, I have another question.

Remember how I said my H just recently bought a laptop? Well, he charged it to his Circuit City account. The thing is that he forgot to change the address on it and first bill arrived here in the mail today.

Do I just write on it "Return to Sender, No Longer Lives Here" and have mailman take back? or do I give it to his mom to give to H?

He's gonna start making payments on an unecessary purchase of almost $1600 but can't seem to make payments on his half of our debt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> This really sucks!

I'm still in Plan B and sticking to it! Let me know what you think I should do. Thanks.

H98

Give it to his mom & tell her he needs to put in a change of address at post office so he can receive his mail.

Thanks for you reply Chris!

I will see his mom today and give it to her.

The only problem about changing his address at the post office is that my home phone is in his name. I tried changing it to mine, but they needed him to call. I can't even cancel it either. He needs to call. BUT I'm in Plan B so how do I ask him for this favor??

I should have thought of this before I moved to Plan B. Any suggestions?

H98