Here is my story. Any suggestions are welcome.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years after 8 years of dating. We have four wonder children. This past February, he went to another country to look for business opportunities so all of us could have a better life. He stayed there for about five months and came home in July.

I noticed something was not right as soon as he got home, but could not pin point what. He was pointing all kinds of things I did wrong, and I was constantly in tears for the first week. I have this feeling that he is only physically here but not emotionally.

I finally asked him after a week time and he told me there is this little 20 years old he has been with all this time while he is there. She does not know he was married at that time. He said she is just for fun and nothing is going on. He just wants to have safe sex while he is overseas. He will never do anything to hurt our family.

Two week later, I received the cell phone bill and found out he has been calling her every single day since the first day he got back. I confronted with him, and he said because if he did not call, the girl will call because she missed him very much. She really loves him. He needs to call everyday to make her happy. Several days after, the girl somehow found out he is married. And of course my husband needs to be on the phone even more because he needs to comfort the girl.

He will be retuning back to oversea next week for couple of months and things will be different because now the girl knows he is married. He told me just leave it this way and let things run it own course because both of them knows that this relationship won’t last. He told me not to worried. This girl is in another country and he won’t allow anything or anybody comes to the states and breaks our family. He loves our kids and our family very much and will never divorce me and marry any other girl.

I am really confused. I love my husband very much. Should I just like the rest of Chinese wife pretend nothing happened and let it go or should I be like an American wife and demand my right?

You should think about what you want, and what you need to be happy and then do what you can do to make that work for you. Your H does not have the right to do what he is doing, and I believe he is not telling the entire truth.

I am so sorry for what is happening to you. I know that words won't make it better but we care about you. Please tell us how you are.

There are many good materials here to help you work on your marriage. Read all you can and then let us know what you want to do, and how we can help you.

SS

Thank you for your reply. I bought two books last week. One is His needs, her needs, and the other one is The Love Buster. I am reading the first one now. It has been really helpful.

I think he has been telling me the truth though, at least 95% of it. He always has this dream of living like a Chinese Emperor and has a very good and understanding wife and several mistresses on the side. To him, wife is wife. Nobody could change that. And all the mistresses have to play by his rule and can’t interfere with his family.

I am now torn into two pieces. One side is telling me just let him do what ever he wants because he has promised that he will protect you from all the harms. And the other side is telling me why do I have to share my husband with someone else even though she is in another country.

Since he is leaving next week, I think it will be a good break for me because it hurts so much to know that he needs to call her everyday. While he is home, I have been like a perfect wife and perfect companion, and he has been a perfect father and husband except the daily phone calls. I know he loves the kids and me very much. But he still wants to play around while he is overseas.

My strategy is to cut off all contact with him while he is overseas this time. No NetMeeting, email, phone call or chatting on the Internet like we used to do everyday while he was away. Just let him play freely there for two months and see what he will do after that. I think I spoil him too much and his life is too secured. I need to take away that security. I don’t know if this is the right move, but I am willing to risk it. Hope I make the right decision.

Hi DD,

Oh no!!! I feel for you so much!! He tells you not to worry!! I don't think that's possible do you?

This girl is in another country and he won't allow anything or anybody comes to the state and breaks our family.
He is already breaking the family. Does he realize what this does to your heart? Does he realize the pain it causes?

He loves me our kids and our family very much and will never divorce me and marry any other girl.
This does not sound like love to me.

He always has this dream of living like a Chinese Emperor and has a very good and understanding wife and several mistresses on the side.
I understand that you are both from China and relationships even w/in marriage are very different than here. I know much about foriegn men as your husband, and sad to say I had to find out the hard way and I was very hurt by one. But you are living here now, and you don't have to accept that way any
longer. It is up to you to decide if you are
going to agree to share your husband w/ other
women. I certainly wouldn't.

I don't blame you for not contacting him while he is overseas. But what do you think his reaction will be when he gets back. As long as you don't think he will hurt you physically, becareful. What do you think he will do? I know the slightest disrespect from some men from their wife, can get physically dangerous. I hope your husband is not that way too.

I'm glad you are reading the books. It's very difficult to change a foreign husband w/ his views about marriage such as your husband. We
pray to God for a miracle.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by doubledelite:
[QB]

My strategy is to cut off all contact with him while he is overseas this time. No NetMeeting, email, phone call or chatting on the Internet like we used to do everyday while he was away. QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hummm??? Sounds like a pretty good plan. You might suggest that you promise not to ask any questions about what he's doing if he promises not to ask any questions about what you're doing while he's away. That might take some of the fun out of it for him and give him a little something to think about while he's away.

Thank you all for your support. I really appreciated. We are both from the orient and we do have the same western value because we have been living in the state for more than 20 years now. We are very open to each other about almost everything. When he lives in the state, even though he has this fantasy about living like an emperor, he knows too well that it will never happen. But things are different now because he now lives in an environment that Bigamy and external marriage affair are common and acceptable. I think that’s where the problem is. The girls are very aggressive, especially to people from overseas.

He told me he was kind of lost and did not know what he was doing while he was there. The temptation was too great. And after what happened these past few months and see how much he has hurt me, he knows what to do when he return this time. He needs time to sort things through and fix his big mess.

I am willing to let it go and trust him again. However, I did take the suggestion and told him last night that I won’t ask about his life while he is away, therefore, he could not ask about my life either. And he was like…”What do you mean? What are you planning to do?” So I think this plan will work wonderfully. His life has been too secured for too long. It is high time for him to experience some insecurity and put some spices back into our lives.

Beside this, I also took the suggestion from the book and start to learn to play golf since the sport is his passion. And I start to pay more attention to myself and join The Curves for Women and exercise three times a day. I did not tell him all these things and I am hopping it will be a welcome surprise when he return in mid November. I think I am doing the right thing. It is difficult to compete with all those beautiful women who are half of your age.

Good plan DD!! You tell him that adultery is not acceptable. You are Americans!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Thank you all for your encouragements. He will be leaving on September 3, and I will keep you posted of all the progresses.

I love you all….

Me 39
He 43
Daughter 11 Son 9 Twins 3

DD,

Sometimes A's are not about the "young thing" that is tempting.... My H's A was w/a woman that was 17 years older than he was. I think it's more the "availability" of these women and the fact that they are willing to tempt a MM and offer all the sex possible w/what seems to be no strings attached. They soon learn there is no such thing as "no strings attached" and no such thing as "what she won't no won't hurt her." They find out that we know even if we do not have hard evidence.

I hope your H comes back a changed man as well.

Good luck!

Posted by SoDissappointed:
I hope your husband comes back a changed man...
Me too!!

DD, are you having a hard time trusting him now?
And do you have a hard time making love to him?
Do you feel you have to make love to him?

If these questions are too personal for you, I'm sorry, you don't have to respond. It's just that some Oriental/foreign American women feel they have to make love at any time the husband says. Don't know if that is the case for you.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Dear Ladysheep:

DD, are you having a hard time trusting him now?
Yes, I do. I now find myself questions more about where he is and what is he doing. I will go through his things and his email. If he is working on the computer or something, I will try to find some excuses that needs to walk by him and trying to peak to see if he is chatting with someone on the computer or what are they chatting about.

Most of his friend, either from the States or from China, knows about this girl because they all went out together while they were in the China. I guess the wife is usually the last one to know. They advise to my husband is to deny everything. They think my husband is crazy because he told me almost everything. I told my husband the reason I am still here with him is because of his honesty. Sometimes, I don’t understand them. They all say family comes first no matter what, but extra-marital affairs is ok too as long as you don’t let your wife know.

And do you have a hard time making love to him?
I do now because of mind there is this voice telling me I might not doing a good job. My body changes after having four kids, especially after my twin pregnancy. I have lost most of my weight (I now weight around 125 LB, and I am 5’3” tall). But I am not as firm as I used to. So now I go to Curves to tone up my muscles.

But one thing that bothers me the most is the comment he made during our loving making on the first night he returned home. He said to me “Gee, you are loose!”. At that time I did not give it too much thought. But after I know about this girl, I know exactly what he means. So now there is this little voice back in my head telling me that I did not give him enough pleasure because I am not tight enough. I asked him about it, and he told me just to some exercise to firm it up. But I know it is not that easy. Now I am serious consider a surgical procedure called “Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation” by Dr. Matlock. I am going to see him on Sept. 12, and if it is possible, I will have the procedure done while he is away. So when he returns in November, he will be in a real shock. I won’t tell him about the surgery, I will just tell him that the exercise really works.

Do you feel you have to make love to him?
No, I don’t. We have very good relationship on this matter. Our needs are almost the same. He is a very good sex partner and making love to him is always a pleasure. He always tries to take care of my needs before his. He has excellent skill. And I guess that why the other woman loves him so much too.

Hi DD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have to say you are a strong, special, and forgiving woman!! Those are some of your best qualities, and husband better never take advantage of those good qualities in you, and I mean it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Wow, and to consider exercise and vaginal rejuvenation to better yourself for your marriage is just amazing to me.

They all say family comes first no matter what, but extra marital affairs is o.k. too as long as you don't let your wife know.
I know it doesn't make sense, does it? Some friends are no help at all!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

But after this girl, I know exactly what he means. So now there is this little voice back in my head telling me that I did not give him enough pleasure because I am not tight enough.
When he said that to you, he just gave himself away. He was just comparing at that point. It sounds like you have had a great sex life, and he should have never said that to you.

He always tries to take care of my needs before his. He has excellent skill.
That's good. My husband too. He just better make sure he doesn't use that skill with any other woman but you.

Does your H have a plan next time he goes over seas of how to stay away from any tempting young ladies?? It seems he is gone for very long periods of time, and it's too tempting for him to be gone away from you for that long. What do you think? He knows it is his weakness now, what is he going to do about it? Does he talk to you about that?

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Dear ladysheep: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know my husband can’t refuse those temptations. Besides, his friends are going with him this time too. So I told him in plain languages of what my conditions are:

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has to let all the girls know he is married. I don’t want any young girl fall in love with him again. Because both us know he is only doing it for fun, but he is actually hurting some innocent young girls out there if he let them believe that he is single and available. And that’s the case this time.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has to have protections against everything including pregnancy and sexual transmittal diseases. He will have to do a blood test every time when he returns home. He did it this time, too.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He will have no contact with China when he returns home. And I mean absolutely no contact at all. That’s why I will cut off all contact with him when he goes there next Wednesday. I have to show him that I mean what I said. And if he can’t do it, then don’t come home.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is as far as I willing to go to keep our marriage going. If he breaks any of these rules again, He will loose the kids and me forever. Once is enough, and I am not willing to go through this again.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know these conditions might sound really crazy to you. But I think there is no other way because he is the one needs to change and grow up here. I will try all I could to improve myself and hopefully he will realize that “hey, my wife is better than all these girls”, and they are no longer attractive to him anymore. I could not force him to change. It needs to come willingly and from within himself. I just have to sit patiently and wait for this day to come. Guess I am more Chinese than American on this issue. But at least this time I am more physically and mentally prepared.

Hi DD,

Those conditions don't sound crazy to me at all.
You did a good job laying them on the line w/ your H. And I hope he thinks about those conditions very seriously. Disobeying any of those conditions is not worth the risk of losing his wife and children, and that is not counting what he would lose in himself, such as intergrity, loyalty, selfworth, and much more...

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Wow.

I don't know how I would feel about the continued contact while he is away, but I guess you are being realistic in knowing that if you require NC while he is gone, it will be be just a lie to yourself.

I agree with you not talking to him at all while he is gone. I would read Surviving An Affair and do anything else that you can to prepare for Plan B when he returns. You need to take this time to get strong for you and your kids, including financial decisions.

When he comes back and if he violates your boundaries, be prepared for him making you feel like it is your fault or your duty to let him do this. It makes me sick that he thinks he needed to console the other woman this last time. This is ridiculous.

Good luck and come here for support.

I feel so mad tonight.

He is going to leave for China in four days. And he still needs to call the girl. Why? Could he just wait for couple more days? It hurts so much! Why couldn’t he be more concern about my feelings? Why? Why? Why?

I print out the Petition For Dissolution of Marriage Form and just keep looking at it. Don’t know what to do now……

I can't take it anymore. I have decided I am going to move out with the kids. I am living with his parents now to save money. But now I want to move out so I will have no contact with him what's so ever. I will do that after he is gone so he can do nothing about it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Oh no DD, did he call the girl again yesterday? I know it hurts so much!!
Do you hear him talking to her too?
Yeah, It sounds like you need to have a plan.

Why couldn't he be more concerned about my feelings?
I wish I could answer that for all of the BS on MB. It's just plain selfishness w/ no regard for the pain he is causing. It is also fog.
It seems after a person gives himself in adultery to someone else, it causes fog, denial
that anything is wrong. He thinks he can just do it w/ no repercussions, and lives in a fantasy la la land. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

The thing that concerns me is that he came right out and told you that he just wants to have safe sex overseas. He is putting in right in your face purposefully, not even trying to hide it. He says he will never allow someone to come to the states to break your family up. And he says he will never divorce you. But do you think he would sabotage a way to get you to divorce him??? The reason I say that is not to hurt you, it's because if he tries to get you to divorce him, it would be easier for him to bring someone and marry or marry overseas, if it shows he never divorced, but you did. Do you understand what I mean?

It's not your fault DD. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

What do his parents think of his gallavantings
overseas.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Hi DD,

How are you doing? Thinking of you!!!

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Hi Ladysheep:

Thank you for your support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have regrouped myself and am doing much better now. We took the kids to Disneyland and the children had lots of fun. It won’t be fair to them if I let my personal feeling get involved and ruin their summer vacations.

After a long sleepless night and lots of thinking, I think I am going to stick to my original plan of no contact and let things just run on it’s own course and see what it will lead me to. I asked my husband why did he have to call, he said he just called to tell her that he won’t be calling her until he goes back because he is going to be pretty busy for these couple of days. How thoughtful! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Regarding to his parents, I do know that his mom know about this. I am not sure about his father though. My mother-in-law told me she would respect any decision I made. Although she did scolded my husband, but son is still son. So I do not expect too much support from them.

And about your concern, I understand what you mean. But I don’t this is the case here. You see, I am the bread maker and banker here, plus I take care all of our financials. And he really loves our family. He always knows that I love him very much so he have never dream of one day he might loose this family. You sound like you understand oriental culture quiet well. Are you married to one also?