Hi BA

TMCM said that you need help. I can see what I can tell you.

First off, you need to stop reading those old emails, lock them in a box for now and destroy them when your futher in recovery.

I have to leave in a couple of minutes and really I need to think about the situation. Sort out my thoughts.

I will tell you I have never asked what type of sex was performed during the A, I don't really know if I want to know, I'm not sure if its important for me to know, I may have to cross that bridge when I come to it.
My W started her A on the internet she was used by a predator who reached her heart then got her body. I found a stack of emails over 500+ pages which was 95% sex talk. She never did that for me. She did say the A was not over sex but other needs and I do believe her on that one. The stuff written was to keep the OM happy. He mocked me in those letters and she played along. That truly hurts.

Your W might not be comfortable right now feeling you EN for sex.

I do have some questions that may help me to understand the situation a little better

1. Are your needs for SF being fulfilled
2. Have you talked and shared you feeling with your W about trying new things. (Without bringing up the A or the OM)?
3. Do you realize your not the OM so I wouldn't try to imitate him. Find your own path.
4. How comfortable is she with you touching her?

Currently I am giving my W a (non sexual) massage every night, It helps her to relax, and get comfotable with me. No TV, some scented candles burning, low lights. You might try this. This was suggest by Just Learning and I liked the idea.

I'll check back later tonight. I really need to think about it. I'll answer any questions you have as best I can.

God Bless

Gregg M.,

I’m trying to keep it together. I’m amazed that I can actually temporarily tune it out in order to get through work. In addition, I think I’m still in shock. I’m still absorbing what has happened during the last two years of my life.

It isn’t easy for her right now –she complains about how stressed she is with the housework, kids, and her part-time job. She’s had offers from close family members to take the kids so she can get caught up, but she usually refuses. She’d rather play on my guilt. I do take the kids as much as I can right now. That’s about all I can do after working all day & needing some time away to deal with this situation.

I love my kids and feel horrible that they have to go through all of this.

I’m trying not to be cruel to her, but I can’t help telling her how horrible she’s made me feel (constantly) and how I don’t trust her. If she pushes the right buttons, I end up screaming at her and hanging up. I’m trying not to get personal, but I’m extremely upset. She has been crying a lot and I know I’m making her feel horrible.

I need her to understand that I need my space right now. Instead, she wants to be in my face all the time –telling me how much she loves me & wants me back. Other times, she’s “giving up” because she’s convinced I’m leaving or nothings working. Or she’s killing herself to prove her love to me (both the Counselor and I don’t think she ever would). She’s desperate to get things back to normal ASAP. I honestly don’t think she even comprehends what has happened.

It’s getting harder and harder to catch her in a lie. She’s gotten so good, that I’m worried I’ll never know when she is lying or telling the truth.

So, did I Plan A her for 10 months? During the 10 months, I would have thought so, but how is that considered when the affair goes stealth?

I’ve opened an individual checking account and will have my paycheck deposited into it. I will then transfer money in order to pay the bills. I don’t plan to cut them off, but just want some control right now. When she heard about this, she went crazy. She was so upset she came up to work and caused a scene in the parking lot. She can’t understand why I’d take over the finances because “she never lied or cheated when it came to the money”. I’ve tried to explain that it is all part of the same package –you can’t be trusted at all right now and, for the first time, I’m taking some ounce of control in our marriage. She is still very upset about this arrangement, but did admit that she lent him $100 last year and about another $30 in other occasions.

Her reaction really scares me –why is she so defensive about the checking account?
I asked her that question and she simply responds that it is because she never did anything wrong with the money. I suspect there was something else, but I can’t find any proof.
Any ideas?

Good for you. You are taking control of your life.
It does sound suspicious about her defenses. What a great line: I never cheated on finances (just because I cheated on our marriage). You are empowering yourself. My guess is that you will eventually find something about the finances. If she told you she gave him $130 you can bet on it that it was more. Did she really think she could do all these things to you and there would be no consequences? I think what you are doing makes so much sense. She pushed you to the edge but instead of falling you stood up decided to take control of your life and become proactive. You are the captain of your ship and you will decide if and when you are ready to work on this marriage on your time table. Look closely on the finances and in time the truth will probably come out. Good luck.

Bryanp,

Just to clarify again, there were about 20 close friends and family on vacation. My wife and I were not in the same condo as the OM. She tells me that nothing ever happened between them on vacation, but I find that hard to believe. She was so in love with him at the time and they didn’t try to sneak away to the beach after I’d fallen asleep?

I don’t think she was doing it to be perverse. I think she got to the point where she honestly believed it was okay to have these two lives going on at the same time. Last Fall, she actually asked me if she continue seeing him and stay married to me (multiple times). In our initial marriage counseling, she insisted that she be allowed to “work through her feelings for him”.

I honestly think she lost touch with reality. Her self-focused mind took over and she went after whatever she wanted without EVER thinking of the consequences of her actions. Our marriage counselor feels that she is acting very adolescent about the entire situation. Like a 13 year-old who’s father won’t let her see a guy that she loves anymore. All of her actions seem to agree with this thinking.

I think she does take advantage of my weak points. She knows that I still care about her, so she can play upon those feelings when I desperately need a night to myself. If that doesn’t work, she’ll start calling me non-stop until I talk to her. If she really gets desperate, she’ll start threatening to come up to work or kill herself.

When I stand my ground and refuse to give in, she accuses me of being “just like him”. The majority of THEIR relationship was filled with arguments & fighting. She was also very obsessive –I have cell phone logs where she’d call him 10+ times in a row until he answered. When I leave, she does the same thing to me.

Just to be fair, she does seem very sincere at times. This is the most convincing she’s ever been about how she feels & what she wants (me & our marriage). She tells me she’d do anything now if I’d just give her another chance. Keep in mind that she wasn’t like this at all during the first 15 years of our relationship. She was very loving, caring, and had very high morales. In fact, the first two years we were together, we rarely ever fought. It used to drive my best friend nuts!

There’s no doubt that she inspired me to be the person I am today. She was the reason why I worked so hard to get through school. She’s the reason why I kept landing better & better jobs.
I wanted to give her back all of the good things she gave to me. I felt so lucky to have met a person like her. She changed my life for the better. That I cannot deny.

I understand your pain. My husband never wanted it like me. He did love me but if he wasnt in the mood tooo bad I had to deal with it. It made me very insecure. I on the other hand cheated on him. I didnt enjoy it,never got off but it happened. I wasnt excited like with my husband, because I was and am very in love with my husband. I am sure you must feel so bad that she wasnt there for you but for someone else. My husband tried to cheat on me with my best friend once nothing happened because she pushed him away.I hurt so much thinking that I begged him to be with me but he was never in the mood and to think he tried with her. I was always there anytime anywhere so it hurts. My affair was terrible even though he wasnt there for me I had no right to betray him, it just happened and now i am filled with a very saddening guilt. All I ever wanted from him was him to desire me. I love him and no matter what people say the best sex is a man and a women(in marriage) in love and showing that to one another(Even the dirty stuff).
I know you are going through something that will hurt you for a long time but dont be like me and let it get to you so much that you do something that ruins any self confidence that you have. I feel like the worst women in the world, the worst wife. I am having a very hard time dealing with this but I hope I offered some kind of support for you.

You did the right thing in taking control of the money, for just her admission that she gave him money is one more reason for you to take control of your paycheck.

I suspect that she gave him more than the $130 she's telling you she gave him. I would enquire if there isn't a loan that was taken out by her without your knowledge for if there is then you may be in danger of losing your assets if she were to default on the loan.

BA :
Call it the skeptical lawyer in me...but when someone lies once to me...all of their credibility is lost..for the moment and part of the future..until they can begin to prove I can believe what they say...and usually this has to be backed with action as well at some point...she probably realizes now what she has done,but she is no longer in control....I would suggest at this point to try to regain some control over your angry outbursts with her.

Avoid them.

They could be construed later as something other than just an outburst. You could be viewed as violent.

Do whatever you must to retain control over any contact with her. It sounds like you might be ready to Plan B her. I would prepare for this eventuality, especially if you find out the affair continues on at this point. You will need to move quickly if it is found to be continuing.

I applaud you for retaining control over your finances. This is an important measure of control. Just remember, whenever you take control she will try to guilt you into every aspect of changing your mind.Don't let her.

And, be sure your girls get what they need from you. Especially yoour undying love and affection for them.

Bottom Line- Stay Cool.

Best to you !

Hereandnow,

Yes, the first time I found out, I blasted them both in an e-mail to 5 or 6 of our close friends and family. It was when I first found out that she had slept with him and I was shaking as I wrote it.
The e-mail included one of her sisters. The irony is that her family loves me and actually sides with me through this whole mess. They say that they will stand by me and still be a part of my life no matter what I decide. She was furious that other people knew about the affair. It took months before she stopped hanging that over me the first time around.

This time, a lot more people know. She’s very upset about it and I tell her “what did you expect”?
Her parents now know everything (her sister told them), but she’s very concerned that her strict Catholic Grandparents will find out. They actually live across the street from us and helped us buy the house when we were first married. Her Grandfather is having health problems, so I don’t think it would be a good idea for him to find out. They’d probably disown her if they found out.
But, they know something is seriously wrong and are trying to find out what’s happening. My wife did admit the problems were her fault, but she wouldn’t give them details (I actually give her a lot of credit for admitting fault to them). She keeps telling everyone that we are “working through some problems and everything will be fine”. That bothers me because I feel like she is minimizing the seriousness of the situation.

The worse part is that her Grandparents think I’m beating her. My reputation with her family is extremely important to me. It kills me that they think that about me. I’ve told her that it is upsetting that they think she isn’t safe around me and she says not to worry about it. If I push the issue, she tells me that she’ll tell them everything and then I’ll be responsible if something happens to her Grandfather. I don’t think they need to know the details, but I think my wife needs to tell them enough about the situation, so I can at least be exonerated in their eyes.

I definitely want to sell the house, but we love the area and know we’ll never get as nice of a house for the money. My kids are very well rooted in the community, so I’d be okay just to move to another neighborhood. I know for a fact that she’d resent me for the rest of my life if I made her sell the house. I’d never live it down.

I honestly don’t think she’d call him right now. The last time, she actually stopped (or says she did) for 1-2 months. She knows my guard is way up right now. Anyway, the other man met someone else that he really likes. He has told me that he wants nothing to do with her anymore (which I’ve heard before). She admitted she was very jealous about his new girlfriend. I have notes that she wrote to him about a month ago that show how desperate she was to get him back. So, I don’t think he wants her (for now), so it’s easy for her to commit to the marriage.

If I have to record calls, hire PI’s, etc. what is really left to a marriage? Over time, I feel like I’ll just keep finding the same secrets. When does it end?

Silverthorn,

I needed to know all the details, because that’s the only thing that was “missing” in our marriage.
I’m convinced that this guy used her, too. He got her obsessed and then took advantage of the situation. She admits to that now, but I don’t know if she really believes it. She sounds more like a scorned lover right now. She tells me “I thought he loved me, but it’s obvious he didn’t’…”.

My wife sometimes tells me it was the sex and then changes her mind. She has admitted that it felt much better with him and that she didn’t feel inhibited around him. She tells me that she feels inhibited around me and doesn’t know why. I’ve never done anything to make her feel that way.
Unfortunately, she’s never bothered to get help for how she feels.

Unlike you, she used to tell him that I’m perfect. She claims that she’d never let him talk me down. I never saw anything in the e-mail or letters to prove otherwise. She only mentioned that she was depressed & confused about her marriage. She has also told me many times that I’m much better looking than him. She tells me that I have so many better qualities that we just don’t compare. I know this to be true. This guy is a real loser.

Here are my answers to your questions:

1. Are your needs for SF being fulfilled
I’m not really good with the abbreviations. Can you clarify SF?

2. Have you talked and shared you feeling with your W about trying new things. (Without bringing up the A or the OM)?

All the time! Before the affair, she’d get very upset with me, so I usually gave up. During the last 10 months, she’s been a little more open minded. She bought herself two outfits from Victoria Secret on our last anniversary (when I first found out), but she only wore them once. She tells me that she feels cheap/slutty when she wears stuff like that.

I’ve begged her to tell me what her needs are, but she won’t.

3. Do you realize your not the OM so I wouldn't try to imitate him. Find your own path.

That’s a tough one. At first, I tried to do just that. Now, I’m trying to be myself.

4. How comfortable is she with you touching her?

Perfectly comfortable. In fact, she is definitely changed her tune and is very open minded since I found out three weeks ago. She’s doing things now that she never wanted to do. I feel like she’s just using it as a way to get me back, but its so hard to resist things that I’ve wanted for so long. I’ve actually stopped doing anything that I feel is still uncomfortable with her. I don’t want to take advantage of the situation.

A full body massage is usually how I initiated sex throughout our marriage. It usually got her in the mood and I enjoyed making her feel good, too. She usually didn’t return the favor (massage). I guess she felt the sex was enough of a payback (and, in my mind, it was).

I've got to head out. I catch up on my replies later on.

Thanks again to all of you!

Hi BH

SF = Sexual Fulfillment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I can understand some of your problems. It is a shame when someone takes advantage of a situation. As I'm finding out my W's A just didn't happen, she was manipulated by a real pro. My W acted totally out of character with the OM. She hates pictures of herself but she sent him several with a digital camera we had. Some of a sexual nature. She would say things to him just to keep him happy. I found some of the pictures and read most of the emails. I'm still reading and trying to understand myself.

I guess you can say they are not in their right minds. Something happens that is twisted. It seems the OP is just out to currupt and fullfeel their own selfish needs. And it seems your wife is still addicted to the "excitement of the illusion".

Do you still read through the emails and stuff?
If you do I would really stop. I'm a very curious person myself but I had to stop reading it because all I was doing was plunging the knife into my open wound.

Are you both in MC, I would find a good Christian counselor.
Just being yourself is enough.

Have to go

God Bless

Hi BA,

Just about bed time, and I forgot a question I had.

What was your W's life like growing up?

My wife had a bad one Poes History I was wondering if there was anything simular in your W's history.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed_again:
<strong>If I have to record calls, hire PI’s, etc. what is really left to a marriage? Over time, I feel like I’ll just keep finding the same secrets. When does it end?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It ends when you begin to trust her again. You need to know what is happening in your wife's life. You can't believe, right now, what she says. She has said that the affair was over 10 months ago and it wasn't.

Once you verify that she is telling you the truth, then I would stop recording, following, etc. I don't think it is healthy to do these things for a long period of time, but it may give you some peace of mind and help you to reestablish trust for your wife. If you are not comfortable with these things then by all means don't do them. You will have to find some other method to verify that she is telling you the truth. I don't think believing her word is a viable option at this point. People in the "fog" of an affair rarely make rational decisions. Affairs are, after all, based on decption.

Good luck with whatever road you choose to travel.

Feelingdown,

It sounds like we have the same attitude about this topic. She did make me feel rejected and insecure, but I loved and RESPECTED her so much, I accepted it. Again, I always felt that I never had to worry about an affair if she wasn’t really interested. This fact made me trust her even more! I don’t want to take too much away, though. When it happened, it was usually great. That’s probably what kept me on track. I don’t even remember what it’s like to be desired.

We just got back from vacation at the beach a few weeks ago (before I found out again). While on the beach, some of our friends mentioned that a young, attractive girl was checking me out. While that made me feel good to hear it, my wife was livid. She immediately started convincing me that the other girl was fat & ugly. Obviously, I wasn’t interested in the other woman, but it was nice to feel like someone else found me attractive.

I completely agree with your comment:
“the best sex is a man and a women(in marriage) in love and showing that to one another”

I am really sorry for your pain . i know how it feels....
I was seduced into an affair which almost turned physical by a serial cheater. i am her 4 th OM.
now it is history.
After all those , i came here 6 months ago.This is my first post though after reading 80 pages of posts. i know most of what is written here in this board. U have to take pretty hard and nasty stpes to get ur wifge back . she needs ur help. No Plan Aing....
just simple hard slaps to lift the fog.

Lets come to ur problem....
I just do try to give a new view .

1) She is so uninhibited to that dirtbag , bcoz
she just wanted to taste the feeling of being a dirtbag herself. totally opposite to her upbringing and life. (IT can also b called as living ur missed adoloscent)

2)U are a scared child with no spine. u will accept her even if she cuts ur hand. (not my view, how she is seeing u now too...). just knowing ur weak points is enuf to use the switches and making u believe that she is in love with u.

3)She is still do have very very strong feelings for him and in the fog. she wants things to bcome normal to start things again with OM.

4)She just dont have any respect for u .
5) she sees no consequences for her actions at all, and she knows that u will again and again accept her

These are not the words u really want to hear. but they are true to the core.Im sorry buddy

Action Plan:

1) Last time, she bcame fanatic about losing u, but did she end the affair?????, she wants to live both lives. A man for social status and a man for her hidden side. Did she love him? , A big nope. if he cant perfoem well in SF then he will most probably replaced.

She has become a big liar. U will never know whether its a lie or truth. she is playing with ur feelings. she is trying to put the blame on u for the affair.

2) goto an attorney and see ur options. (it is just for her to believe that she is gonna lose u)
Start plan B immediately. do not get into her sweet talking traps. dont fall for her crying.
even if she seems to be sincere. She really has to earn u....... else u will resnt taking her back.these things are not only for her. but for u also to heal out.

3) if possible get a seperation. U goto to the house and let her move out. she must goto the abyss of her life to get back to u and that woderful M. It is not punishing her, u will be in more pain doing all these than her at the receiving end.

4) sell the house. dont give a **** about her feelings towards the house. if u want to have a good M after all these , it is ur feelingd that matter , not her anymore. if she resents , let her. she has to face what she has done. I suspect she must have done that on ur maritial bed. the power- exponenet factor is really true.

5)Let her earn her meal. dont give a penny.
6)take a 180 degree turn. be cold to her. just ignore. after sahutting her out of ur life , go NC.drive her nuts and take a hold on ur life.

If u keep on badgering her , she will go awayu and lie.

if u throw her out , she will beg just to be at ur foot. Then take her into ur heart and make her ur queen.

all the best.
love
dhanush

Silverthorn,

I think my wife’s situation was the same: he was definitely a manipulator. He knew how to play her so he got exactly what he wanted. My wife admits that he played with her mind throughout their relationship (but she also told me the same thing last Fall and then continued the relationship). He’d tell her he loved her and then would talk to her for days or weeks. Then, he’d apologize and tell her that he loved her. She’d come back and the cycle would repeat.

I’m beginning to think that my wife has a problem with acceptance and belonging. I don’t think her parents were very nurturing. They cared about her, but never really expressed it. Her Mom was very self-centered when I met her. She didn’t seem like she cared if they had eaten and was very involved with her own life. Because of this, I think she developed an obsessive need to be loved & cared for. When the OM gave it and then took it away, she became obsessed. She couldn’t stand to be rejected –even when she knew I was still there for her and this guy was a loser. She tells me that she felt trapped, but I still don’t think that excuses what happened. It’s obvious that there was some enjoyment and he met some of her needs –otherwise the relationship would have ended a long time ago.

Unfortunately, she tells me that it did fell “better” when she was with him. So, I can’t believe that she only did these things in order to hold on to him. She told me that she really liked some of the things that he did (which I was never allowed to do).

I agree that she wasn’t in her right mind. I’m still not convinced that she is today. One minute she admits to all the damage she’s done and how committed she it to fixing everything. The next minute, she’s “giving up” and doing whatever makes her feel better about herself. She gets very upset that I don’t come running home when she does something nice or makes an effort to repair things. I haven’t filed for divorce and I constantly tell her that I still love & care for her. Isn’t that enough reassurance from me? I honestly don’t think I can provide any more emotional support at this point.

We are both in MC (separately for now) and our Counselor is very good. My wife is also trying to strengthen her relationship with God. She is committed to going to church every Sunday and has also signed us up for Retrouvaille, which is a Catholic-based weekend session for marriages in trouble. We are supposed to go in a few weeks.

Hereandnow,

Right now, I feel like I’d have to monitor her for the rest of my life. I honestly started to trust her again during the last 10 months (while she secretly continued the affair). She is just so incredibly believable. I guess it is the 15 years of honesty and trust that preceded the affair. I’ll never know when she’s really telling the truth. I’d swear that she was for the last 10 months. That’s why I feel like I’d have to put these controls in place for a very long time.

I have no other methods to guarantee she is telling the truth. She convinced me of that during the last 10 months. I even think I’m still in denial that the affair continued when I thought we were recovering. There were absolutely no signs or clues. Their only slip-up was when he pushed her down & dragged her. She was so upset she called a friend (and the other man’s best friend who I thought was a friend of mine). Her friend is very close to us both and couldn’t stand to see me thinking my life was great while my wife continued the affair. I hear that friend cries all the time and complains that my wife doesn’t know the extent of the damage she has caused. I have to agree.

She just called me and told me that she can’t live like this anymore. She told me that I need to make a decision or else she’s calling a lawyer for a divorce. I told her that I need time to be sure things are going to be different and she says she can’t handle crying & being upset anymore. She actually set a deadline for my decision (before we go to Retrouvaille). She said she doesn’t want to waste the $450 and the time if I’m still not sure I want to be married. The irony is that was the program is for! It is designed as a “last-ditch” attempt to reconcile marriages on the verge of divorce or, in some cases, for couples who have already divorced.

Am I wrong to ask for time? I know she cries all the time and wants me back, but I just couldn’t live with myself if I gave in that easy. I know that I say things that make her feel bad, but she usually does the same to me. She spent 2 years making me feel bad –I only found out recently. I need her to understand that I could leave her for doing these horrible things. She needs to know this. Unless she understands it this time, she’ll never feel the need to stop in the future, right?
I do love and care for her and it kills me to see her this way, but I feel I have to stand strong.
She say that I’m “just like him”.

Hi BH

Yep, as you can see both Poe had some problems growing up. Our mothers were much the same. I just had a better homelife it seems. Still didn't learn to show affection which was and is a problem. (I am learning)

I don't think your W ever gave up contact with the OM. I don't know about now though. I can see and feel in some ways the same about trust. I trust my W, but I an high alert. I do believe my W has had NC since d-day. But, the WS becomes a very good hider and liar.

Its time to tell you W to stop making comparison between you and the OM. If it continues then the really is little hope in recovering the M. It would put me in a very dark mood to have this happening in my life. It is one of my fears and worries. And, my W has never made any comparisons to me. It would be a major LB.

That she says your just like him, this is pure manipulation on her part. How better to know how to push your buttons then your W.
In a loving and non argumentative way you need to talk to her about it.

She needs to know that if she wants you to be the OM that it will never happen. You are a MAN, the om is just human, not a man, has no moral backing, nothing to admire, nothing, and he has never been a MAN.

Also, she isn't the one to make a timetable for you. Both of you are healing at different time tables. She needs to understand this. I would attend Retrouvaille, before any decision is made.

One thing that has helped my W and I is that we do a bible study together. 3 chapters a day, started with John, maybe you should try. Our Pastor had either one of us open in prayer, and I as the spirtual leader closes. You could give this a try. Couldn't hurt.

One thing is that both of you need to follow the four following rules, I would print them out in there entirety. Both of you should read them daily.

The Rule of Care | The Rule of Protection | The Rule of Honesty | The Rule of Time

I’ve been through another cycle today: she calls up crying, asking why I don’t love & care for her anymore. I tell her that I do, but I’m so emotionally drained that I can’t comfort her. She threatens to kill herself and then calls to tell me she’s calling a lawyer to end it all (and end her pain & suffering). So, I tried to call her on my lunch break in order to reassure her that I do care and that I’m having a hard time comforting her after she’s hurt me so bad. Then, she asks how I could have been intimate with her last week if I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I told her that I was confused then and it was fully mutual between us (no one was forced). I then added a comment that she initiated it and she went ballistic. She accused me of calling her a slut (which I never inferred and definitely didn’t say). I’ve now received a barrage of e-mail cutting me down in every possible personal attack possible. This is a new low for her.

I tried to calmly respond explaining what I meant and telling her that I won’t be treated like that and the e-mail keeps coming. This really hurts.

I told her that I don’t want to talk to her for the rest of the day –no matter how bad she felt. At this point, she doesn’t care. She’s more focused on tearing me down in every possible way. Now, she’s threatening (again) to come up to work.

This is what my life has become. I’m definitely at a loss for what to do next.

It seems clear that your wife is unstable. When she does not get her way she threatens to kill herself (emotional blackmail) or then continues to tear you down in everyway possible. She sees her lifestyle being attacked and I think she may still be in contact but is fearful that you will eventually find something dealing with the financials that you have taken over and you will find she gave him a lot more than $130. What is happening to you today is a good indication of what she truly feels and more likely will be your future. Please step back and look at her and who she is and what she has done. The fact that you said you will never be able to trust her again and that she lies too well says it all. Why would you wish to live the rest of your life with such insecurities? In addition, from what has been written it seems that whenever the OM wants her back for some fun she will go running to him.

Let me ask you two things. First, Would you want to marry your wife right now knowing everything you know at this moment about her. Second, how would you respond to someone else who wrote exactly what you have written. It really seems your wife is remorseful for getting caught and having her lifestyle put at risk. She seems quite the actress and is playing on your emotions. It is killing her that she is not in control and you are no longer her puppet. I wish you luck but it sounds like you are handling it correctly. She is showing her true self and her true feelings. She seems so immature and demanding. Clearly she still has no conception of what she has done to you or if she really care that much.