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#435449 08/26/03 07:28 PM
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Hi to all that know me. I haven't posted in a while but hopefully the friends that gave me support in my days of depression get to read this post.

I really want to say thank you to SwH and USH for being there when I was in the verge of a breakdown. Thank god I didn't reach that point.

I graduated last week from the LVN/LPN program. Instead of allowing my husband to keep making the decision whether I can move back into our home in AZ again...I told him I was and he said "I guess we can give it a try." I'm waiting till the first of Sept, so that I can catch up with some old friends before I leave them again.

While I was in school I found I couldn't think straight or make decisions of what I was going to do...but the day after I graduated it was wierd I just knew.

I'm moving back to AZ and if my H still feels he doesn't want to stay in our M then he can leave. Before I said he could keep everything but now that my brain can focus on me I said the H*ll with that If he wants to leave than he can leave with zero and start his new life. I know I sound pretty negative, but I'm just ready for what ever happens now. I want to stay married but if he doesn't I'm done trying.

I feel a whole lot better now. Now I just have to figure out a new name for me here at MB and how to do it. Thank you all for your support. This site has helped me so much.

#435450 08/26/03 10:24 PM
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Hi,

Congrats on graduating.

To change your name, go into "my profile" at the top.

I don't think you sound negative at all, I think you sound strong and confident. You want the M to work. So you are going back home, if he does not want to, then he can leave. I dont' see a negative, you are putting the ball back in his court.

What could be a new name for you

MMMMMMMM, I'm thinking, MMMMMMMM

"ItsHotInAZ" Just kidding

YOu will come up with one that fits you.

#435451 08/28/03 12:04 AM
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You go girl. I am so proud of you finishing school and moving back to AZ and letting your WH be the one that needs to change/move/work on your M.

I don't really post much anymore, but check in to see how some of you all are doing from time to time. I am so very proud of you and how confident you now sound. I hope things are well with your little boy and I hope the best for your marriage.

I sent WH the paperwork to begin divorce proceedings after his expensive trip to Europe with the OW. I didn't hear from him for weeks and received an email yesterday stating that he needed to sort out his thoughts, emotions, etc. and hadn't signed the papers. I think reality if finally hitting him, but I also am ok to proceed with a divorce if he's just stalling yet again. I'm doing ok despite all of this baloney, my father's untimely death and my mom undergoing chemotherapy. I am meeting my entire family -- all of the kids, my sisters, my mom for Labor Day weekend and am so looking forward to painting and playing with the 2 year nephew and 4 year old neice.

I will be praying for you and hope you post when you get back to AZ.

#435452 10/08/03 04:42 PM
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Hi SWH and USH,

I don't know if u guys will read this but I'm been back in AZ for about a month now. I thought it was going good till this past weekend. H asked if I thought he had given our M a chance and I just replied I guess cuzz I knew where this conversation was going. He ended the conversation because he seen that I knew what was next and we were at Mc'Donalds and tears had already started falling down my cheek.

I know I know the last time I wrote I said I was ready for anything. I guess it's easier said than done. Well he finally came out with it at 4am this morning after he dissappeared from driving around AZ for 5 hrs. I'd like to think it doesn't involve another woman and I really don't think it does honestly. The 4 hrs that I waited up I was thinking he must of gotten in an accident and I was thinking all this bad stuff and at the same time I was angry. My thoughts were just pissing me off and making me sad at the same time. It sucked that I couldn't go back to sleep and I had to work the next morning.

Anyways why I don't think it's someone else. He told me when he got home that, that day he had to attend a suicide prevention briefing which they do every year and that when he was listening this time all the signs of depression that they described he seemed to have except the suicidal thoughts. I don't know if he is, but I do know that something is wrong. Maybe he just can't stand for me to be in his life.

I've decided that I'm leaving. I told him that I was staying and keeping the house but I do that to confuse the hell out of him like he does me. I really am though. I have no family out here and my son needs attention. More than I'm capable of giving right now. I'm going back to my mothers at the end of the month. I figure we'll put the house up for sale and go our ways. We always kept going back and fourth that it would be a mistake to sell because the equity is suppose to sky rocket soon, but I have to get on with my life with no reminders.

I know I'm blabbering away but I just wanted someone to talk to that understands. I'm very emotional right now because all this is happening just as my birthday is in a couple of days and our anniversary is too. I just wanted to pout. Thank to anyone that bothered to read my pathetic letter.

I cried about it and told him I would not beg for him to stick around because I'm destroying myself and that he wasn't the only one depressed around here. I hate him and love him at the same time. Before we both left to work this morning I told him to get help and he nodded his head but I just e-mailed him to check if he had made an appt to see someone. His answer was no just like I thought.

#435453 10/08/03 05:35 PM
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depressed- Congratulations on graduating, healthcare is a wonderful, helping profession. Sounds like you've got the world by the tail, except for one little bump in the road. Try to get some counseling and meds so you can keep up the good work you've started. While you desire to restore your marriage, I would be preparing also for going on by myself. You are young and have your whole life ahead. Do not let H bring you down. Hugs from California and keep posting. There are lots of good people here.

#435454 10/08/03 10:29 PM
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Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about this. You have to do what is best for you.

Did I read it right, that you were only back for a month? If so, he thinks a month is long enough to work on a M. It takes a lifetime to work on a M. The whole M you are working in it.

You cannot keep going back and forth, back and forth. He needs to get his head straight. I think he will regret this, but you have to do what you have to do.

Stay in touch

#435455 10/14/03 10:49 AM
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Hi Believer,

Thanks for the congrats on my graduating. I've always been the type to accomplish what ever I get my self into and for that reason my family didn't even realize I finished school so i appreciate any congratulations that I recieve. Thank You. I read ur post and seen that you do landscaping and painting can u help me with mine. Just kidding.

I'm glad that you kept yourself busy while your in this terrible situation instead of sulking like I do. I'll have to try to keep u in mind when I start to feel depressed and want to just lay around and feel miserable. Again thanks and I hope things have turned around for you.

By the way has it started getting cold out there in CA?

#435456 10/14/03 11:24 AM
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Hi SwH,

Thanks for the reply. Yeah It's only been a month since I've been back. At first it was ok then it felt like H wanted to work at our marriage, and now H is in depression. I just couldn't understand it and I blamed myself. I figured I was making him depressed because of my persistance to stay married and keep our family together till he finally came out with it and told me he thinks that he's suffering depression.

Of course I asked what does he think is causing this and he replied a combination of things. His family never calls (it's been like this since he joined the military and his parents are divorced(live in different states) so the relationship he's had with his parents have never been great since he was like 5, then theres our relationship is going right, and our son doesn't listen(he's only 2 and what kid at that age does), but I figure when ur depressed everything is overwhelming which I figured out when I was in school. No one could ask me just to pick something up at the store or do an errond because it was too much for me.

So I'm trying to understand him and I had remembered when we met he mentioned that his grandmother had killed her self due to depression so I called his father. His father did't sound too interested so I just asked him if he could call his son more often because he's feeling depressed. He said sure and to encourage him to get help. I felt bad for my H. I can imagine how he felt as a child growing up with no attention from his parents. He did call to check on H this weekend though. I guess I can say he kept his word.

I also called my MIL(she thinks I'm demanding because when I met her I told H to take the trash out). Ok what ever but despite of my feelings towards her I called her because I felt H needs his family and I'm gonna do what ever I can to make them pay attention to him. I told her that he's depressed and she said she wasn't surprised. It runs in their family. Her mother had it, she had it, and that it's hereditary. Yeah yeah I know but I wanted to know what she was going to do about it. I explained to her that he's sad because his family never calls or visits. He's been in the military almost 7yrs now and his mother only came out once because were not to far from Vegas and her and her husband wanted to go there so why not come see us and we could drive them to vegas. They couldn't even come out for our wedding so we decided that we weren't gonna have a big wedding even though my mother offered to pay for the whole thing since I'm her only daughter. So we decided to go to court and have a big wedding in 5yrs hoping that would be a big enough notice for everyone to get there finances in order to afford to fly out and see us. (ok let me get back on track, I guess now you can get a picture of how my close my H family is to him)

Getting back to H situation well MIL blew me away because she actually took the blame of why my H could be depressed. His sister was the black sheep so all the attention went to her while my H was the good kid that was just there and kept to himself. She told me that she wouldn't tell my H that I had called her and that she would call him and encourage him to get help. She has been calling. She's called three times this weekend and purchased a ticket to come and see us this Thursday. This is good and bad at the same time. Bad for me because my H was suppose to take me to Vegas and it would be our little vacation for graduating school. Oh well I guess it wasn't meant to be. Were still going but with MIL.

I'm gonna stick around to see how things go. Your right I can't keep going back and forth so If i decide to go back to CA it would be final. I'm in no rush and I don't want to leave husband like this.

I'm still waiting for my letter to take the boards. How long did it take for you to recieve a letter. Its been two months now and I've almost forgotten everything I've learned. I have short term memory so I gave up on studying a couple weeks ago. I'll do a week cram session but I'm getting worried about how much information my brain thrown away.

By the way Congratulations on passing your boards. That is an amazing accomplishment. I'm working as an oral surgery asst right now and they keep asking me to be full time and I can't accept it because what if I do pass my boards. They are kinda my back up. The pay isn't bad but not good enough either. I'm hoping to get a job that is only 3 days a week so I can take my last two bio classes and go for the RN program. I hate waiting. Well I gotta get the house ready for MIL so I'll check on you next time I log on. Sorry this was thread was so long.

#435457 10/16/03 07:01 PM
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After I paid my fees, I had my information within a week or two. I would call and check on it.

What is the process in your area? For me I had to pay my fee to the state, and a fee to the testing center. Once I paid the testing center, they contacted the state, getting approval for me to test. The testing center then contacted me to arranage a time.

Even thought is stinks to keep studying, I would study about an hour each day to keep it all fresh. Once your test is scheduled, then I would pick up the pace more so you can get it all in. I don't know how LPN tests are, but I will tell you the RN, I was ready to cry half way through it. I did not recognize most of the stuff I was questioned on. Some of my classmates said the same thing. So, if that happens with you, not let it get to you while you are testing. Keep going forward and do your best.

I'm glad to hear you are sticking it out right now. Maybe once your H gets the depression thing under control, things will be different.

#435458 10/28/03 12:17 PM
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Hi SwH,

Our school handled our applications so I don't know the process. I just had to give them a couple checks for this and that and now I've been waiting since August 16th. I was studying an hour a day and than I quit. I'll have to start up again and hopefully my letter to make an appointment comes soon.

Maybe because I took the program at a community college is the reason its taking so long. I don't know. I could have finished the last two bio classes I needed but I didn't want to enroll in fast track bio classes while studying for boards and now I regret it. I should have cuzz now I've wasted two months.

well my son is here trying to get on the computer so I better log off. Catch you later.


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