My husband had an "affair" with my "best friend" prior to our marriage. It only lasted a few weeks, but in that time, apparently they exchanged "I love you" emails in which she professed her love for him and desire to have a family with him, and he, without being specific, led her to believe he'd leave me for her. I "knew" instinctively, confronted them both, they both lied to my face. Eventually "she" came forward (in an effort to force him to choose) and he did... admitting he used her, lied to her, was mad at me, and I acknowledged MY participation in this. He and I immediately removed her from our lives totally, and have since worked harder than ever at our relationship. Question: Through communication, I am slowly healing, and close to forgiving him, but the RAGE and ANGER towards HER is stronger now than ever. Can anyone help me? How does this happen? Why HER more than HIM? How do I heal? I'm better than I was, but desperately need to get over this!

It just takes time. And working hard to let go of it. <P>Now, before you say anything, I KNOW you're working hard to let go of it. So now, just give yourself the time. It will happen.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

Ophelia,<P>Most of my rage is toward OB. Why not he's an easy target, he's only the one that wowmed his way into my life by connin and manipulating my wife into believe I'm a <BR>Sh!!!y husband and no good for her. I hope I never see him in public. He will get hurt and I probably will go to jail. So what I did tonight after crying my eyes out, I went into the basement and detroyed a piece of PVC pipe on one of the poles down there. This was after I threw a shoe, punched the wall, and tthrew a sippy cup into the sink.<P>I do feel better having released that negative energy.<P>It does pass it just takes time.<P>Be careful how you vent it.<P>Bill <P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

I hate the ow in my life.<P>The other day her tire fell off on the highway, yes she drives a ford.<P>My h suspected I lostened the lug nuts. I would have loved to take credit for that, but I didn't do it.<P>By hating the OW you channel some of negative energy from your H. This is a sign that your are willing to protect you H from some of your wrath.<P>If she is single then you can alway blame her further because she could have pursued anybody, but she chose a man that was committed (or atleast was supposed to be committed) to another woman.

Oh boy can I relate to this one.I have always felt a stronger anger and rage towards the OW than even my H.Even though H was the one that made the vows to be faithful to me,not her.I think it's easier to place most of the blame on the OP because we love our spouse.We owe nothing to the OP.It may be our way of protecting ourselves from the pain someone we love so much has caused us.<P>In time,and it could take a long time, the anger will slowly get better.It's a very hard thing to let go of but for our own well being it's something we have to do.I still have a lot of anger towards the OW and it has been over 3 years ago!!Then again this person has done some horrible things to me personally other than sleep with my H.<P>The is one piece of advice I have been given often(but not always able to follow myself)is to put you and H first and try and put the OW out of your mind.Concentrate on the two of you and don't put so much energy on her.I know its hard,I am famous for NOT doing this.<P>I hope things get better for you!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.<BR>

I hear ya E B,If she is single then you can always blame her further because she could have pursued anybody, but she chose a man that was committed (or atleast was supposed to be committed) to another woman.<P>My sentiments exactly.<P><BR>Bill<P><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Welcome <B>Ophelia</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Sheryl... is keeping me honest by asking me to give you our traditional welcome wagon spiel... <P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>A point about your rage... there are some good books to get (the one's on the Harley principles will be mentioned a bit later...) but for anger: consider...<A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0806509376" TARGET=_blank><B>Anger : How to Live With and Without It</B></A> by Albert Ellis ...and <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1879237970" TARGET=_blank><B>Angry All the Time :</B> An Emergency Guide to Anger Control</A> by Ron Potter-Efron, Ronald T. Potter-Efron.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! While in recovery from any affair or discovery of an affair warrants a good look into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! It goes hand in hand with the <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around... Also check ou the "anger" books mentioned earlier.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. Even through recovery...<P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>In recovery... you will need to apply the four rules to guide marital recovery<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL><P>The rules really are meant for you and your H... and not so much for the OW...<P>This has to be your primary focus now... apply these rules to your marriage rebuildin ... exclude the OW.<P>One thing that is hard to do but I've found to be of value is to think of forgiving he OW... yes you heard(read) it... forgive the OW! It doesn't mean "forget"... but letting go of the hurt you feel can be gotten by having more "spiritual" power over those who hurt you... and this can be gotten through forgiveness... I recommend you look at another (non-Harley) site... on "forgiveness"...<A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A> ... think if this in regard to the OW! <P>Prayers for you... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 19, 1999).]

Hi Ophelia.<P>I've found out that the best antidote against rage is forgiveness… you say that you are "close to forgive" you H; if its about words stating your forgiveness but you don't really feel it from the bottom of your heart then you are not really doing it. Forgive him not because of what he did but because you love him. Your mind clear, your heart in peace, your chin up, and you'll find the best ways to get him 100% back to you- or, he's probably already 100% yours, but if you don't forgive you'll never find out.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

I share your feelings. I recently discovered that my wife has has an affair (one time only she says) with an older man. I think I am on my way to forgiving her, but my HATE (that is the only word that fits here) for him is so great, I am not sure what to do. <P>All I can see when I close my eyes is the image of them in that hotel room, and in that dream he is laughing at me. <P>I have a series of emails (from both he and my wife) to each other. My wife has told me that he is living with someone, so I am wrestling with whether or not to make a visit and share my package of emails with his live-in girlfriend. My wife says not too, because she says he isn't worth it - but that only makes me madder, because it sounds like she is protecting him.<P>I have never felt anger and hate like this before, and I don't know how to let it.<P>Any ideas would be greatly appreciated

WHAT I HAVE FOUND MOST HELPFUL WAS TIME AND WRITING THAT CRAP DOWN AND GETTING RID OF IT. sorry for shouting- maybe the rage isnt gone yet.<BR>i know- how could they, etc.- look unto your actions (plan a) then unto plan b. the rage does pass talk, post, write, read- books by ellis helped me deal with the anger.<BR>you cant control what others do- just how you react to it.<BR>it does get better- we al will testify to that.

Actually, I honestly don't blame XOW for the EMR. My XH <B>chose</B> to betray, he never was forced to do anything against his will. After all, no matter how much OW pursue a H, it is they who ultimately are the betrayers and who bear the lion's share of the responsibility for the EMR. My XH lied, used, & abused XOW. I felt disgusted about his cavalier attitude toward XOW - he just used her to fulfill his selfish needs and desires. <P>Of course, I dislike XOW for completely different reasons. Pursuing and harassing my XH & myself once she learned that he was married, & her vile, harassing phone contact with me after the EMR ended...<P>Getting out rage isn't easy. You can vent to your heart's desire, but sometimes it won't help. I guess you have to accept what happened and then let it go. Either the rage leaves you completely or it remains, simmering in the background. lostva is right - it just takes time...<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

I think there's some confusion. My H and I have completely removed the OW from both our lives, and he and I are doing much better (as a couple). I am close to forgiving him for the "act" (I'm not even close yet to the trust issues being tapped into). I'm not falsely forgiving him, - the desire to do so is because I faced the fact I love him and don't ever want to be without him. He's worked VERY hard at this marriage, has NO contact with OW, period, and there are no "choices" here about who is with who. The last little step towards forgiving the "act" (not the betrayal or lies, as these are all separate forgiving issues in my book), is just me trying to pass a hurdle. All those other issues remain for me and us to work on.<P>Now, with regards to the OW, THAT is where my RAGE is, not with my H. She was my "best friend" and was aware of our secrets, our fears, and used THAT info against both of us, to manipulate us both. She is single, btw, and certainly could have "pursued" anyone. What SHE did was maliciously use info confided in her to present herself in a better light as providing the unmet emotional needs. That, to me, is malicious. My H and I both made mistakes, we both owned up to them, and work very hard at following all the steps towards communication and strengthening our marriage. He is forever patient with my outbursts, crying fits, rage, (which are LESS than ever before).<P>Even with OW out of both our lives 100%, why do I cling tenaciously to this HATE for her. I've NEVER felt hate in my LIFE! EVER! I've felt strong dislike, mayhap even disdain, but the "h" word was NEVER in my vocabulary, - I wasn't raised that way. This is NEW for me. I'm scared, so very scared,... I don't know what to do. My H is doing everything he can, but this seems to be MY problem,-- letting go. Out of the sheer blue come these fits of RAGE and ANGER and I get memories and "visions" of them together, how they could both lie to me, the devious nature they both displayed. And I'm mad at myself. I just feel very lost, afraid, and alone. It helps reading posts, knowing others feel the same way. But I just don't know what to do with these feelings, constructively, so I don't take them out on H. I'm exhausted, physically, mentally, and spiritually, with the effort it takes to try and handle the pain. I'm tired. So tired.