I feel wretched! I have so much pain, I don't even know what to do with it. I feel like I want to lash out and hurt him with everything I have and I also desperately hope we can still turn it around. Am I deluding myself? I feel like my life has come to a screeching halt. How do I keep all the balls in the air?

I don't know how to do it. I don't even know where to get the strength to begin

U breathe.

Listen, I was on MBL chat and got some advice from an Xws there. She was a good source.

Right now you are hurting....u r right to want to hurt. U may feel like u r wounded and need to protect yourself.

For me, I had to learn to breathe and lower my blood pressure. Focus on you.

If you need to call, give me about 20 minutes.

Hugz,
L.

T1,

R U there?

L.

T1?
You there?

I feel wretched! I have so much pain, I don't even know what to do with it. I feel like I want to lash out and hurt him with everything I have and I also desperately hope we can still turn it around. Am I deluding myself?

These feelings are normal for what is happening to you. I don't believe you are deluding yourself. Remember that lashing out would serve no purpose except to make you feel better for a very short time. Much better to plan what will help you the most, and spend your energy on that. The thing is, it still may turn around someday, why burn bridges? Be the best you that you can, and you will not regret it.

I feel like my life has come to a screeching halt. How do I keep all the balls in the air?

You have to drop some of them - perhaps.
Most important is your own health, mental and physical. If you have to, get anti Depressent drugs from your doctor. It will make a big difference in your ability to cope and think.

Then you have to deciede on the next important things in order and do the ones you can do, and let the rest go.

Your job?
Getting a lawyer, preparing for D.
Taking care of the house. (you may have to let that one go, or slip lower in the order.)

and so on.

Think about the task at hand, get through it, let everything else go and concentrate on the moment.

Don't wonder if you had done things differently if he would be nice. He has had problems with this for years, and his reaction is to getting caught. In other words, it is the things HE did that caused the problem, you just revealed it to others. His actions over time are the root of the problem, not yours.

You tried to fix it before this, and he has not cooperated. It looks like he is what is known a s a serial cheater, one who does it over and over again. His big problem with you is that you no longer enable him to do it. Now is time to get a good lawyer and protect yourself. You need protection. You may not have to sell the house if you don't want to, though that will be more difficult without children. If you have to, leave, go somewhere (parents, friends?) and let your lawyer handle all the communication with him. Anything to save your sanity, do whatever it takes. Get legal advice first, leaving may affect your settlement.

I wish we could help you with the feelings you are having, but that is difficult. If you will take the practical advice, your feeings will begin to improve, though it will take time. I have prayed a great deal for you in the past few days. I have prayed that you might come to understand that there is indeed someone there that is helping, though it is hard to know at times. One of the things you can do is simply ask. "Father, are you there?" I think he will answer you, becaue he has answered me many times.

One last thing - don't be afraid. Remember that you have strength, you have shown it before now. You can get through this. Others have, and you can too. Don't be afraid, your choices will unfold, you will make them, and you will come through this. It will hurt, but you will make it. Hold on to that when it seems that there is no hope, and go a little further. You can do it.

SS

Hi,
Well, I broke down and saw a lawyer on Friday. I got some interesting information that I can't go into right here because husband may lurk.

I haven't recieved the divorce papers yet. I told my husband I would agree to put the house up for sale. This is a huge step for me. I don't know what we're going to do with the two dogs (our babies). I don't want to split them up. That is going to be so difficult.

I'm letting my husband go. I can't do anything else for him and he is so combative whenever we speak. He has such a chip on his shoulder about everything. He seems depressed too. I can't stand to see him that way.

This is the most painfull thing. To be 35 and giving up my dream and to think of starting a new life alone.

I have so much going on right now. I ran my final long run today of 20 miles before I taper for my Marathon in 3 weeks. My boss came to me on Friday and said they want to promote me but they want me to put a proposal together this weekend to give to them on Monday about what I would do within the first 30 days of my new role to build the business. I haven't even started this yet. I have told my boss a bit about what's going on at home and can't understand why he would lay this on me right now. I'm having a hard enough time keeping my head above water doing the job i'm doing right now let along taking on new responsibilities. I think I'm just going to have to tell him that I can't do it right now.

I'm emotionally exhausted from dealing with this and living with him. I wish I could plan b right now. Do you still plan A and B even if divorce paperwork is in process?

T1,

All the more reason to concentrate on work. I had to help implement several new projects. I was put in the middle of the attempted creation of a new system. It was not my choice but I participated since I my boss requested I attend the meeting. Not only that but other major changes were going on at work, home, son's school, etc. etc. etc.....

Life did not stop because I was dealing with A, D or OW.

You may be surprised at what you can handle when necessary. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

IMHO, let your H do all his dirty work himself. Also, you can change your mind as much as you need to protect the interests of you and your family. When the WS tries to make you do something for his sake vs the family.....remind him he can't control you anymore than you can control him. If he threatens, be prepared but not scared.

Oh, by the way, if the WS is reading this....'hi, I don't understand why someone would want an OW vs this BS, please help me understand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> '

L.

T1,

How are you doing?

L.

Hey Orchid,
I was a little moody today. I went to an "Alpha dinner" tonight at my friends church. I just got home a little bit ago.

I was telling me husband earlier that I wanted to come out with everything with his whole family and everyone we know. I told him that I thought they should know the whole story. He wants them to think that "it just didn't work out" and "we just weren't meant to be together" and that really aggevates me. He is pretty nervous that I will do this. I'm torn. Part of me wants to because of what I mentioned above and the other part feels sorry for my husband and I don't want to alienate him from his family and friends.

If they knew everything that I know, It would certainly be a shock to them. They may think I am just making it up. But deep down I think they realize there is something wrong with my husband, they just don't know quite what it is. Most of them anyway.

He told me tonight that he just "wants to feel like a good person". I told him "then do the right thing".

I know I'm being very judgmental tonight and that's LBing. I need to work on that.

<small>[ September 16, 2003, 12:55 AM: Message edited by: troubled1 ]</small>

He told me tonight that he just "wants to feel like a good person". I told him "then do the right thing".

People that do wrong have a hard time feeling right about what they are doing. You were exactly right in what you said (hope you said it in a respectful manner.)

I know I'm being very judgmental tonight and that's LBing. I need to work on that.

Telling the truth is not being judgemental, however some ways of telling it are better than others.

You sound better tonight.

SS

<small>[ September 16, 2003, 01:30 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hey Still Seeking!
BTW, what are you still seeking? You're up late! Are you in the central time zone? Are you in Wisconsin? That's where I'm from. I live in California now.

I am feeling a bit better. I am not so depressed all of the time. I can be around other people and enjoy their company and laugh at things.

I just go back and forth, hence, the moodyness.

Good to hear from you!

Hey T1,

People are not all dense. If your H wants to keep the rest of the world in the fog, just remind him that he can fool some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time. Then say something like, if he were to hear the same words from another relative or friend, what would he think? Don't be surprised if he still gives you a foggy answer but it may ring in his ears for a longer time.

L.

I came here seeking ways to improve my marriage, andI am still seeking them. I have however found much help here. Reading reminds me of what could happen If I don't go a good job of meeting my W's needs. I suspect I will be seeking all my life.

Yes, I am up late. I am in the mountain time zone. I finished a project at work and I ought to go home and get some sleep, but wanted to do a few posts tonight (cause I probably won't have time tomorrow.)

I know your up's and down's will continue - when you are up, prepare, and when you are down, stall for time.

You and Orchid ought to get some sleep too.

Orchid, how do you do it?

SS

I hurt so bad right now. I can't even stand it. My husband doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me and is divorcing me and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sitting in my cube at work and I can't stop crying. This is overwhelming.

This is just too much!

I hope you can explain to your boss what is happening (and ask for some time to adjust) so they won't wonder. I wish KaylaAndy would come talk to you, she described the exact same thing some time ago. I don't know how she coped.

Remember you are a person independant of your H, and you have the right to be happy. You can overcome this.

Hugs,

SS

T1,

Call me when you can. I am at home.

Thanks,
L.

T1,

How are you doing?

L.

Hey Orchid,
Doin allright. Stressed because everything is so up in the air right now.

I was on the bike today and I kept thinking about where I will live when we sell the house and what it will be like. I grew up in Wisconsin and got my first apartment when I was 22. I rented a pretty large one bedroom flat in a decent, middleclass family neighborhood in an older part of town. I loved it. It was great when I was 22. Now I am 35, live in Silicon Valley and rents are sky high here. I won't even be able to afford the type of place that I had when I was 22. I'm 35 years old and what do I have to show for it. I will lose the house, the husband, live in a crummy little apartment complex most likely.

The strangest thing is that even though my husband makes more money than I, he is going to be in an even worse place than I. I feel sorry for him because he can't even see two feet in front of his face right now and has now clue how difficult it's going to be for him. He will have no one to look out for him. No one to spend holidays with, no one to talk to about his day. I feel bad for him.

So, tell me which marathon you are running. Big Sur on the 4th? or are you going out of state?

SS

Hi SS,
I'll be running the Portland Marathon on Oct 5th. Thanks for asking.

I think I'm going to LB my way right out of this marriage. Why is it that I think I need to try to convince him how wrong he is? Why can't I just express myself without it being negative towards him?

Sometimes it helps to have a list to work from. Just saying "don't LB" is hard.

Patient1's tips from Divorce busting

Take a few of these and concentrate on them. Whatever you need the most help with. It really does help to narrow it down a little bit.

When you love someone and they abandon you, it is difficult to deal with. The emotions you are feeling are very powerful, and yes, it is hard to keep from trying to straighten him out - it goes against our natural desires.

Success is most likely if you can avoid LB's. You came here quite some time ago to deal with his first A, but it sounds like it was never fixed, just kind of buried. Where do you feel you are after all this time? What have you gotten from your studies?

I asked about the marathon beause I am a volunteer on a marathon course on the 4th of Oct. I figured if you were doing the one where I live, my W and I would invite you out for dinner the night before, or the night after. My neighbour runs it every year (has for quite some time) and last year he was out mowing his lawn in the afternoon and I asked him how he was feeling. He said: "Oh, its not so bad as it was the first couple of years." He has run at Boston twice now also. My W ran the local one about 12 years ago, but now we just work on the course every year. (We film it at one checkpoint)

SS