Please tell me I’m wrong,

** Forgive me for going on about this (its long), but I feel better getting it off my chest. **

I’m 42 and been married to my High School sweetie for over 20 years. We have two beautiful girls, who mean everything to me. We had a very rough ride in our marriage about 5 years ago. There was plenty of blame to go around, but I must admit, after being diagnosed with clinic depression, I may have started the slide down the slippery slope. I tried to get her involved with my sessions, but she wanted nothing to do with it. It was bad enough, that all intimacy stopped at that point. I leaned to live with it.

The past few years have been ok. There was still the occasional cuddling session. But as soon as I tried to be more intimate, she would shut down. Again, I leaned to live with it. As time passed, I began to really miss the intimacy. I’m not just talking sex, but the tight emotional hug, or a passionate kiss. Now when I go to kiss her on the lips, she turns her head so I kiss her cheek. Maybe it was this heightened sense of missing these things, that I started to pick up signs.

My wife is a Real Estate Agent and works very hard (I try to complement her when ever I can on this). But I started noticing contradictions in her activities. I told myself that it’s just my imagination, but it kept happening. Now I was curious.

I started by looking at cell phone records. I found a definite pattern with one local cell number (can’t reverse a cell# without $$). A call to her voice mail to pick up a message, then a call to the number. These calls were never made around me. They were made either from the car on the way to the corner store, or after dropping the kids off somewhere. I then started checking her car mileage before she went out on a call. Many, many times, the odometer was way to low. I had trusted my wife explicitly, and felt bad having to check, but thing are not looking good. Why is she lying to me?.

The biggest clue was a candle party she said she was going to. Just a bunch a girls with finger food. But something didn’t feel right. She had a hair cut that morning, a shower before she left, didn’t have dinner with the kids and I, and had on a very nice outfit. Seemed a little overboard for a candle party. I wanted to be wrong, so I reset the odometer again. That evening, after she fell asleep, I checked the odometer. It read only half the expected mileage. She didn’t go to any party. And when I checked the cell phone activity, there was a number of calls between her voice mail and the 3rd part cell number. These calls where all made just after she left home. That’s it. She was out for dinner with someone else. Didn’t sleep for a minute that night. Please, someone tell me I’m wrong. The next morning, she was very nice and even initiated a cuddle session after breakfast (I’m told this is the result of some guilt).

So convinced, I hired on online service to trace the cell number. It turned out to be owned by someone she worked with. Someone I know, like and trusted. I was a bit relieved, because maybe this was some how work related??. Probably not. I was definitely in denial.

After about 2 weeks of denial, I had to find actual proof that I was right or wrong. So I started looking through her drawers (first time in my life). I found some letters. After reading the first few lines, my head started to spin. My stomach turned and my knees buckled. (I’m starting to well up again as I write this). My wife, who even after some rough spots in our marriage, was involved in a 4 year affair with her co-worker. It detailed a rough time in their relationship around mid March of 2003. Four pages over a 4 day period. She apparently wants a 100% commitment from him (He is also married with two kids). He also recently was intimate with his wife, after they promised not to be intimate with anyone else. I felt like I wanted to die, the pain was so great. The letters also stated that they has sex in MY house, “ DAY AFTER DAY, WEEK AFTER WEEK”. I felt like throwing up.

I have tried to maintain some form of composure until I can think straight. I slept a total of 2 hrs over a 60 hours period. My heart pounded so hard at night, that I thought I was having a heart attack. I lost about 8 pounds the first 3 days. I’m a bit better now, especially after talking to a councilor.

I still don’t know what to do. She is noticing my weirdness. After coming across this site, I feel like there might actually be a chance. It was looking like a 100% lose – lose situation for me. My marriage ending in divorce, and my kids having to endure the pain. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of the pain they will endure.

So here I am, after mid night, spilling my guts to the world. My wife shows every indication of staying around. We are in the process of renovating the house (keeping busy helps). She also talks about converting my oldest daughter’s room into a den when she leaves for University in 4 years. But she is still in an affair, and I still feel like dying.

I have yet to confront her. I think I will leave it until school starts next week. That way, the kids will be out of the house for a good part of the day. I will need strength, which I just don’t have today.

A Heart Broken husband..

Andy

Welcome to Marriage Builders Andy.

I'm very sorry that you are going through the nightmare that many of us have already gone through.

I would like to recommend that you read this websites article on Plan A and Plan B (click on my link below) as well as reading Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair','His Needs Her Needs', and 'Love Busters'; Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'; and Michelle Weiner Davis's 'Divorce Remedy'.

You are not alone. We are here for you.

You are most probably NOT imagining things. I remember feeling the same sense of surreal.

I suggest reading the 'concepts' and the 'q&a' sections under MarriageBuilders @ the top of the page... which it sounds like you have done... the topics scratch the surface so you might want to get a copy of "Surviving an Affair."

There are other recommended books by Michelle Weiner-Davis (Divorce Remedy), James Dobson (Love Must Be Tough), David Carder (Torn Asunder), Frank Pittman (Private Lies) and Shirley Glass (Not Just Friends).

Posting here (usually in the GQII forum) helped me from feeling too crazy and I found A LOT of support... but I also needed 'real' support which I found in individual counseling and a support group @ church. I had a bad experience 'forcing' marriage counseling onto my H... so I don't recommend that... unless your wife suggests it.

Your natural instincts will be to focus on your wife and the other person... but the experienced people here will tell you that the sooner you can focus on YOU, the better. Your marriage doesn't HAVE to end in divorce, mine did not... and that is the experience of many in the Recovery forum.

Good Luck and prayers,
Cali

Wow, what a great support system. I did not expect feedback this fast. Thanks to all who thus far passed on your kind words of support and understanding. I felt so alone up until now.

Thank you all very much.

Andy

* Together 24 years, married 20
* d-day 8/23/03
* Recovery: ??? Not confronted yet
2 girls ( 11 and 15 )

Andy,

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Listen to TooMuchCoffeeMan; they are all GREAT books that will help shed light on where you are at and what is happening. Look for posts from John39. He has a lot of great info too..

This really SUCKS, I know. You have your own hell to deal with, and mine is well documented here so I won't intrude. Just know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and many others, unfortunately, have walked the path you are on.

Jake.

Tell me, is a 4-year affair abnormally long. There is lots of time to develop a relationship. In her journal entries, she refers to him as the love of her life. Learning to love as a whole person. That she wants to Marry him, yet never once makes reference to her kids or me. She also states that they are sole mates.... She has it bad for this guy.
Not that it matters, but for the record, I'm 42, my wife is 40, and the guy is 53

What a horrible story. Clearly you need to confront her and deal with these issues as soon as possible. You need to also contact the OM's wife as soon as possible. I would also make copies if you can of the letters. It may or may not be needed down the road or use as proof to the OM's wife. I would contact an attorney to prepare for yourself in the future. You need to protect your children at all costs. A four year sexual affair and in your home clearly indicates what she she thinks of her marriage and you. You need to protect yourself now and your children. The Harley's believe that the affair must be brought out in the open and that means contacting the OM's wife as soon as possible. You need to be proactive. Burying your head in the sand will not help you. You can hope for the best but you really need to prepare for the worst. It does sound like you have not really had a marriage these past four years. Protect yourself and your children at all costs. I wish you luck.

You will get manu different opinions on how to handle your situation. The first thing to keep in mind is that no matter how rough your marriage seemed, your wife's actions were not justified. I found out about my wife's affair after being diagnosed with herpes, so I can fully relate to what you are going through. Your first obligation is to let the other man's wife know about about his infidelity with your wife. You would have wanted someone to let you know and I am sure that she is no different. You then need to confront your wife and make the very some very difficult choices as to whether or not you want to work on saving your marriage. Most affairs will die very quickly when they are exposed to the light of day. The other man wants to "play the field" so to speak but will most likely disappear once his wife finds out. If your wife wants to rebuild your marriage, ask her to seek testing for STD's. The fact that she would risk your health is unacceptable. She needs to provide you with 100% honesty, as in is this her first affair or not. Lying and affairs go hand and hand. On a brighter note, most marriages do recover after an affair, though regaining trust is a long and painful process. It is often a good idea to ask your doctor for anti-D's while going through recovery. Be prepared for a lot of childish thoughts from your wife, which are often called "fpg" talk. I wish you well.

A good first sign,

Recap: During my search for clues to the affair, I went through her purse (never done before) and found an appointment card with a Marriage Therapist. There were two booking for June of 2003. So at least she was reaching out to someone. I saw this same Marriage Therapist last Wed and spilled my guts. I told her that I knew my wife had seen her on a least two occasions. Not reveling my wife’s sessions, all she said that there was a lot in common in what both my wife and I spoke of.

This morning, while taking my oldest daughter out, I noticed in plain sight, a folded pamphlet from the Marriage Therapist in the center console of her car. I know she suspects that I know something is up. And I now feel even better that she either has or will see her again. I still love my wife dearly, even after all the deceit. I am actually smiling a bit today after seeing that pamphlet. Maybe there is hope. I don’t just want my wife back, I want the type of marriage we used to have. Affection, intimacy and even the little love notes in my lunch. (I still have some tucked away).

I’m taking her to a Brian Adams concert tonight. Now that I know that she is going back for help, I can push aside the pain and hurt and try to give her a great night out. That might make confrontation day (Next week) a bit easier.

Wish me luck folks, and thank you for all the support.

Andy

Please make sure that you have some professional advice and support before, during and after the confrontation.

Cali

If you read thru the various posts and books, you'll learn this, but I wanted you to be forewarned.

When you confront your wife, there will likely be a number of painful things that she will say to you. I'm hoping that if you expect them and know that the fog is heavily entrenched, they'll be less painful for you. Here are some examples.

1. I don't love you, I never loved you.
2. I'm only staying with you for the children.
3. I only love you like a brother.
4. I want a divorce.
5. It's YOUR fault for...(blah, blah, blah)

Take it all with a grain of salt. She's in fantasy land and BELIEVES all of this. Most WS's eventually see the light and realize they've been living in a self-indulgent fantasy world. Do NOT try to reason with her and explain this. She will resist any attempt at education and it will drive her further away.

I'd try to make a phone counseling appointment with MB before the confrontation. You'll receive some excellent advice.

To add to what Dobie said, I just want to add that your W(wife) has not dealt with living with her 'soul mate' on a daily basis. She has not had to deal with conflicts with him regarding financial matters that affect both of them. She has not had to deal with his bad days when he may not be so charming to be around with. She has not had to deal with his annoying habits (leaving his clothes on the floor, farting, belching, etc.) on a daily basis. In other words, she has been living a fantasy for the last 4 years, and more so since he has not divorced his W and has already violated his pledge to your WW(wayward wife) of not being physically intimate with his W. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Andy -

My advice to you is threefold. You've already done one of 'em, so you're in great shape!

1. Get a counselor. (You did this one already.) But also talk to someone like Cerri/Penny Tupy or the Harleys. You're about to go through something that makes NO sense until afterwards. It's good to have a guide.

2. Get your emotions stabilized. Get to your doctor and get a prescription for an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. NO, this is not optional. Just do it. You're about to go through the worst years of your life. Yes, years, no matter how it turns out. Now is not the time to tough it out.

3. PLAN. PLAN PLAN PLAN. Answer these questions: (And get your counsellor to help you!) How will you confront her? What will you say? What are your boundaries of acceptable behavior? How can you state those without disrespecting her? How long can you be calm, emotionally stable, gentle, and loving with your wife? How long will you negotiate with her to end the affair? Who are you going to tell? How are you going to tell them? Who is going to give you support? How can you ask for that support? What do you need to do to protect yourself from crazy behavior? (THERE WILL BE CRAZY BEHAVIOR!) What do you need to do to protect your kids, and your relationship with your kids? What do you need to do to protect your finances?

Boyo, we are here for you, and every single one of us knows how godawful your life is right now. Breathe deeply. You have a long road ahead, but it only takes a single step to start.

Guidance please…..

Can’t see my Therapist until mid week. The next step involves the questions of confrontation. The Do’s and Don’ts, as posted by [J of HJK] (Thank you..). My family has been on vacation this week, mostly working around the house. I’m pretty sure my wife has not seen the other guy. She seems to be suffering more and more withdrawal as the week has gone on. It might just be me, but that’s what I sense. If anything, my senses have never been so in tune.

My problem is that I have a very STRONG gut feeling that her will be coming over to my house Tue morning after the kids are off to the first days of school, and before she goes into the office for an afternoon catch-up meeting. I have all sorts of visions of hiding in the wings to see if he shows up. And if he does, what do I do. Do I just walk away, knowing what is about to happen in my house. Do I confront him before he even gets into my house (I have his cell #). Do I confront them in the act….I’m getting sick just thinking about it. I can feel the anger building inside of me as I write this. I fell like I need to take it out on him. I know that will only make the situation worse. She apparently loves him dearly, and would therefore protect him, regardless of the infidelity.

Any suggestions….( I will try to get prescription for anti-depressants today – I need them)

Hi SP42

Strange things happen. Is it possible to take a sick day and just stay home. You can tell your wife that you just wanted to spend time with her alone.

Are you going to inform the OMW before or after you confront? This is my opinion. I myself would do it after. Heck I myself would do it right after. Have all the evidence with you and just go to their house or call and have her meet you somewhere. Depends on what you have planned.
(On D-day, I took my wife with me when I confronted the OM.)

Well, I wish you the best, your W really isn't in her right mind. Just remember she has become on expert liar, to herself and to you. My prayers will be with you.

Do plan for the worse, but don't expect the better for a while. It truly is a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, twist and turns.

Instead of hiding and waiting for him to show before you ambush him, why not confront your W(wife) in a calm and respectful way with the evidence? Is the OM married? If he is, then Plan A also requires you that you immediately inform his W(wife) with the evidence of his infidelity. Affairs require lies and deception to thrive, and exposing them to the light of day (letting the world know) often deals a deadly blow that makes them very difficult and painful to carry on for the affairees.

SP'd
i would guess that much of your current suffering is based on your lack if willingness to take a pro-active stand. that is, you are percieving yourself to be the victim and are viewing yourself as powerless given the situation.

i have no wish to sound cruel but please understand; the unfortunate truth is that many or most around here are also in your situation or have been through something similar to what you are experiencing. and they refuse to allow themselves to be victims! if you read as many posts as possible you will see a pattern of pro-active approaches that those dealing with this problem are taking.

1. in my opinion, you should have confronted your wife already! that you feel that the two "soulmates" are planning a randezvous in your own home and your questioning yourself as to what to do...well that is just foolish!

by all means catch them if you can! then there can be no arguments coming out of her foggy little mouth as to weather or not she's been doing what you know she has. and by the way....why are you so angry at him! IT'S YOUR W WHO'S CHEATING ON YOU! YOUR WIFE! he's just acting like the low ddown mutt he is.

2. get to a counciler/therapist right now! you need a professional to help you decide what your course of action should be.

3. see a lawyer! and NO! i'm not advocating divorce! what i'm advocating is you knowing your options and what your rights are in this kind of situation.

4. when you finally confront your W, don't be "reasonible." what i mean is, be confrontational...but not in a mean or vindictive way. be business-like and calm in your approach. she will be emotional as h#ll so you remain calm! just let her know that you don't want to hear any nonsense! be disdainful of her angry outbursts and the childish rationel she will try to feed you.

5. be prepared to tell her what you want. what you expect for her to do and do immedialtly. have a plan! work with your therapist to develop it.

being prepared will give you power. taking command of the situation will help you feel better. knowing that you are no longer the victim will make you strong. and maybe most important...showing yourself to your wife in this way will do more to convince her of her errors then all the crying, whining and begging in the world.

my friend this is one of those times in life when you are being tested. stand tall knowing you are a good and decent person and you have done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. no matter what she says and how bad a H she claims you might be, she is in the wrong and what she's doing is just plain evil! it's been found to be unacceptable by civilized society everywhere.

good luck,
coach

Confrontation day today:

Before I detail the event of this morning, let me say, that I would highly advise anyone in a similar position to myself to take your time in confronting your spouse. You?ll be better to handle the emotion of the event. After the initial sock and emotional hell I kept hidden (attempted to) I did a few things.

1) Sought support and read tons of information on this website. It really is the best out there.
2) See your doctor and get on an anti-depressant. I myself, am on Effexor-XR (slow release). It greatly helps you out of the fog that clouds your mind during this emotional time.
3) Talk to a councilor. I myself saw a marriage councilor to discuss my pain.
4) Read, read, read everything your can on infidelity. It helped me open my eyes to look at things from all perspectives, both mine and my wife?s. I know a lot of books are recommended here, but my favorite thus far is ?After the Affair?.
5) It has been 5 weeks since I confirmed my wife?s affair before I confronted her this morning. I felt like I had the upper hand. I was emotionally ready as I was going to be. It was very emotional, but I knew what I wanted and needed to say.

I think I may have aged a few years this morning. Finally confronting my wife as to her affair. There was no anger (dealt with that weeks ago), no yelling, but a lot of red eyes and tears. For there is one thing that I have learned over the last few weeks, is that affairs don?t just happen. Like a cancer, my lack of communication skills in combination with her shirt fuse, slowly fed upon our marriage. So I must, at some degree, take some of the blame for letting our relationship sour, leading to the affair. I realize that the decision to actually move forward in her affair, was 100 percent hers.

I have always loved my wife, and still do, although not always showing it. That is why I want to move forward and work at our marriage. My wife at this point is too emotional to make any rational decisions. I have asked her only one thing today, and that is to read some selected material that I have accumulated. I told her that I will support her in any way, to help us move forward.

All the card were put on the table this morning. We talked openly and honestly for almost 3 hours. Perhaps for the first time in 15 years. At this point, I do not know how this chapter in my life will end, but I feel freed. I saw parts of my wife I had not seen in way too many years. Oh how I miss the closeness that we used to have. Perhaps this is a start.

If there are any words of wisdom that I can pass on to someone just getting into marriage difficulties, I can only say one word. COMMUNICATION, made open and honestly. Do not take your marriage for granted. Always respect and love your spouse. Marriage is a full time job that needs to be nurtured 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If given a second opportunity, I will do my part in nurturing a full and enjoyable marriage.

Wish me luck

I'm very new here. This is my first post & your story is the first for me to read.

WOW!! I'm very, very impressed with the maturity and planning that you've expressed in how you've dealt with this WORST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE!

I have enormous respect for you, and don't even know who you are.

Very good work! Keep it up!

I'm in my own hell & trying to figure out which way to go. When I get myself together enough to share, I'll post it here...

Oh what pain we often suffer in this rotten sin-cursed world!

High Flight:

I do not want to diminish the pain and suffering that I have gone through, because it was hell. Time is what has helped me thus far. Getting my head on strait was job number one. Being a person who normally bottles his emotions up, I?m afraid to even contemplate what I might have done, physically, had I confronted my wife immediately. Again, this is me, not anyone else.

My dealing with the EA and planning has helped both my wife and myself greatly. I actually feel closer to her the last two days then I have in a very long time. That?s not to say things will work out, and I accept that. But there seems to be an honest effort on my wife?s part to deal openly with this life-altering event.

She told the OM yesterday that I found out. Supposedly, he has great remorse, since we did respect each other. He is not pressuring my wife to be with him, as I am told, and I believe her. One day at a time for now, one day at a time.

**Note: One thing we agreed on this morning is to set aside some time, once a week, to ask any questions of the other, honestly and openly, without the kids around. Too many questions, at all times of the day can not be healthy.

I wish you all the best. Read as much as you can here. It certainly helped me.