I just read this thread and wanted to let you know you did a great job of preparing for something so diffucult. I'm so sorry you had to go thru it though.

Does the OM's wife know? It's usually a really good way to ensure the affair doesn't start back up again. His wife has been cheated on for 4 years also...

Dealing with it,
It’s been two days since I confronted my wife about her EA/PA. She is doing her part, and reading material that I have given her, counseling to follow. I’m very happy about that. On the other hand, I am now beginning to experience the fog again. I was focused before, in educating myself and gathering evidence for weeks. Now I feel like I’m drifting, waiting for her to decide her path. I know its way too early for her, but that’s how I feel today.

I called about joining a health club this morning to help refocus. Since I have already lost over 20 pounds due to stress, (not a good way to lose weight, but I feel good) I believe a good workout will help me relieve some stress.

Any other suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

D-Day: Aug 23, 2003
A started: ?? 6 month – 4 years ago
EA: On Hold (counseling / deciding)
Me (BS) 42
W (WS) 40
Married 20 years, together 24
Kids: 2 girls, 11 and 15
Recovery: In work

Am I normal ??

I was a rock for weeks before I confronted my wife 4 days ago. As a said before, the confrontation went well. No yelling, no screaming, just talking. I felt relieved and very close to my wife. We are both seeking counseling ASAP. But now, I?m starting to lose it.

Yesterday, I was in a bookstore, checking out books that may help us understand what happened. Then all of a sudden, my eyes started to well up. I couldn?t stop it. I walked around, looking at books totally unrelated, but it wouldn?t stop. I felt like an uncontrolled child who can?t keep my emotions in check. Tonight, I had to run out the grocery store to buy a few items. It happened again. While walking down the isles, I started to tear up again. With a lump in my throat, I fought it back as best I could.

I?m on Anti-Depressants, but they don?t appear to be working anymore. How long will this last?? I was very proud of myself in the way I have handled everything. Now I?m falling apart.

Any help or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated right about now.

SP,

Nothing wrong with what is going on. It is pretty normal. You might ask your W for help when you are feeling this way at home. You have been under a lot of strain, and you have conducted yourself well, BUT there is a cost.

These are tough times, and you have been tough when it was required. Buying a book doesn't require tough, and so your emotions are closer to the surface. Let them work out of you. Not a good idea when you are driving, using a saw, or other dangerous equipment though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You are doing fine and you are normal.

God Bless,

JL

sp,
you're doing great! the emotional trauma that you're confronting has enormous impact. and my friend, be assured that it's OK to cry. who has a better right then you?

there were times i cried so bitterly that i thought i would never be able to breath again. the thing is...rightly or wrongly,...i tried to do it privatly...i just refused to brake down in front of my WW...especially when D day was a fresh occurance. i didn't trust her at that point...not enough to share my hurt at least.

later on though..., i didn't hesitate to show my grief. i wanted her to know that for me, something wonderful had died and that i was mourning its passing. and she did come to understand. she also came to understand that i was not displaying my grief...trying to use it to gain an advantage.

keep your chin up and keep moving forward. good luck.
coach

Some positive signs?

Although I (BS) still experience MASSIVE waves of intense emotions and sadness, of which my wife (WS) is also experiencing, including of few of her own demons, we are supporting each other in a lving and respectful way. I feel so close to her now. This morning, she even suggested that we tell her sister, whom she is very close to, especially after my wife?s mother died over 3 years ago. Her sister?s husband left her for another woman a few years ago, and can relate to our issues. My wife is worried that she will be hated for what she did, so I?ve decided to tell her sister myself. My Sister in-law, whom I feel closer to then my own family, needs to understand that this life-altering event was caused by two people, my wife and myself. The fact that my wife is reaching out makes me very happy. Again, its too early to tell how things will end up, but it?s a good sign. Heart break aside, I still love my wife with all my heart. Counseling to come ASAP.

** Started a workout schedule yesterday at a fitness club. Felt freed from a lot of pain. Today has been the first day that I haven?t broken down. Who ever suggested working out, THANK YOU.

Wish me luck ..

D-Day: Aug 23, 2003
A started: ?? 6 month ? 4 years ago
EA: On Hold (counseling / deciding)
Me (BS) 42
W (WS) 40
Married 20 years, together 24
Kids: 2 girls, 11 and 15
Recovery: In work

SP@42,

You are doing quite well and getting good support here. Also I appreciate how your thread has helped other new ones. Please keep up the good work.

Just a note regarding your down times. These types of 'anxiety attacks' are quite common and come at the weirdest times. There is never a good time but they come uninvited.

So what to do? I would go revisit your doctor and ask to be reevaluated. Both you and your W should also go for STDs. re: even though you know the OM, your W has now had s3x with every man every woman the OM has had s3x with. Also similar but visa versa for you. This is painful but you need to be aware that STD testing is important. Part of the healing is knowing what you are really facing. Don't panic, just go take the test. If it comes back negative, that's a good thing.

Right now I have to go every 6 mo to 1 year for the rest of my life. H has to go yearly. This will be a constant reminder in my life.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. I am glad to know you and your W are working it out. It is hard but not impossible.

All the best to both of you and welcome to MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

How long do I wait ?

Had a fantastic heart to heart with my sister in-law today. A real solid shoulder to lean on, with much more insight then I gave her credit for ( I love you for that). The one point she kept coming back to is how long do I wait until I get a full commitment from my wife that she wants to reconcile. We can?t move forward until that happens. She is in no frame of mind to make that decision right now. My number one task right now is getting her some help. She should start on some form of anti-depressants tomorrow.

She has promised not to contact the OM for however long it takes to clear her mind and talk to some professionals. I have also promised her that I will give her some more space, so that she can come to a decision. Move forward with me (and the kids) and rebuild our marriage, or to start a new life with the OM, who she apparently had made some yet undisclosed commitments to. I want to move forward, but I will not wait forever. Is there an appropriate amount of time I should give my wife to make this decision? I figure that you have to give the meds at least two weeks to kick in, and with some counseling, I think some decision should be reachable in 4-5 weeks.

What do you think?. Too much time or not enough.

Heart Broken and waiting in the wings.

<small>[ September 29, 2003, 10:44 PM: Message edited by: suckerpunchedat42 ]</small>

SP,

It might take longer than you think. What is often suggested is that you stay in plan A for a period of time. The period is of your choosing, and then move to plan B, if OM is not out of her life. I don't mean thoughts of him but physically out of contact.

The time period is predicated on two things: how long you can go without losing your love for your W, and say 6 months. At that point you reevaluate your situation and make new decisions and time tables.

So, given that your W is still in withdrawal and that takes months to get out of, I would think something like 3 months to 6 months for a reevaluation point. Or if you are really losing love for your W, the move to plan B.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Update: More positive signs

Just wanted to update those who have been following my story. I have been showing my wife with her EN, almost to the point of going overboard. To help her along her path, (some of you may find this silly) I purchased a cute stuffed bunny for her, that she can use as a comforting tool, when I’m not around to hug, and hold her. Again, I’m here only for support right now. I’m not pressuring her to make any discussions. I just want her heal towards a clear mind and body. Last night, she was very apprehensive about talking to a new counselor. Quiet emotions came out and we had yet another open and honest heart to heart talk. It always seems to happen late at night (after midnight lastnight).

After going on about all the great reference material and terrific support on this board, my wife wanted me to show her. So at 1am, I gladly gave her the grand tour of the Marriage Builders site. She is very impressed with the material and the support provided by board members. After some reading, she finally started to relax. Enough so, that she could finally got to sleep. After I awoke for my 5:30am workout (best thing I have ever done for ME – GoodLife Fitness), I noticed that my wife had slept all night with that silly stuffed bunny I bought for her. That brought the BIGGEST smile to me face.

Later in the AM today, my wife started her first session with a new counselor. They connected big time. My wife felt so comfortable with her. It was a very emotional experience, as EVERYTHING started to flow out in her session. She never left my wife hanging, and always seemed to ask the right question. There is something to be said for having a good counselor.

So that’s where things sit today. One day at a time, one step at a time. Working towards a real solution, and not just a Band-Aid solution.

SP@42,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Good to hear progessive good news.

Please let your W know we are glad to hear she had a good session with the MC.

Glad she came to MB also. There are a couple of WS wives posting here, maybe she can read their thoughts, it may help her heal.

Thanks,
L.

Trust and the slippery slope…..

I thought things were progressing well. Maybe they are. Maybe it’s just my imagination, but I have a knot in my gut that says otherwise. My wife (WS) has been on her meds for about 2 weeks and seeing a counselor that she really likes. Currently, her sessions are focused on herself, not the situation. Seemed to be making progress. We get along very well (no LB’s) and some affection (cuddling of sorts). I am trying to give her a very wide berth as to her healing process, and as such, am not asking her any details of her 4 year affair. But as the days go on, I feel resentment inside. Images enter my mind not only at night, but also now during the day. It’s almost like living the whole thing over again. As a result, I feel that I trust her less today, then I did last week. I have even started checking her movements again. I HATE this….

On Friday of last week, I had to drop into her office to pick up a computer (I consult). As I crossed the parking lot, he (the OM) just walked out of the office. He took half a step towards me, but then backed off. I walked right past without saying a word (out of respect for my wife). I could feel my blood boiling. I understand that the OM is not cause of the A, but I still saw him as the enemy. My wife says she’s sorry I ran into him, because she knew I would be uncomfortable. That’s an understatement.

That knot in my gut was there all weekend. This morning (Monday) she called me twice in the AM. Not unusual. It sounded like she would be home for the day (she was off today). But through various methods, of which I do not want to detail, I have strong circumstantial evidence (not concrete) that she was out for about 5 hours today. Then at 3pm, I get a call saying that she felt ill today, and stayed in the basement family room for the day. Again, I don’t see evidence of this. Everything she says is contrary to what I see.

This made me think about how she might be feeling. She was (and probably still is) madly in love with the OM (“sole mates”). Is it possible for her to go cold turkey? I don’t know. Did she see him, or was she really feeling ill today. I just don’t know what to trust. I want too, with all my heart, but my gut says something else.

QUESTION: Without some major LB’ing on my part, how would you proceed? Go the gym and have another workout (I’m actually now in the best shape I’ve been in 10 years), and patiently wait. Keep fulfilling her EN’s. Or should I ask her point blank if she saw him today (MAJOR LB – NO TRUST). She told me that she would tell me if she ever saw or talked with him.

I hope I’m wrong, and don’t want to make matter worse trying to prove that I’m right.

Life really sucks sometimes. God give me strength.

I love my wife with all my heart.

Punched,

Ok a couple of questions. First does OM'sW know of the affair? If not, why not? Second, does your stomach still feel in knots?
If so ask your W where she was today. If she answers at home why? Tell her about your stomach and the knot in it, and how it seems to something is not right.

Let her stew about this for a bit. Don't tell her anything else, just be honest you stomach is hurting and you are nervous but cannot put your finger on it.

What she doesn't know is you have become an expert at reading her, and you will get better. You may not even realize this, but something is bothering you, and I will be it is NOT: NOTHING.

She cannot really read you because her focus has been on the OM of four years, but you can read her and I suspect you are.

As for the anger and lack of trust, let's consider that she really has done NOTHING to make you trust her. She has not worked on the marriage, and from everything you have said she has NOT committed to working on the marriage or you. So tell me again why you should feel trust??? The anger is very natural and I can imagine it will build until she does commit and starts to take actions that show you she is serious.

What does your MC say about this??? I think your SIL is on the money with her advice. Does your W know what she said??

Punched the sad but true fact is that your W hasn't loved you for at least 4 years. Deep down she may have, but her focus has been on the OM. This will take a lot of time to work out, and you will need a great deal of patience and support from your MC, your SIL, and family. It wouldn't hurt if your W helped.

Have you told your children what is going on? It is something to discuss with your counselor as well.

I think you have a valid reason to worry about continued contact. It is not unusual for a WS to backslide one or two times before true commitment to NC occures. But, do talk with her about your feelings and the knot in your stomach. She may not realize that you are not clueless, although she may have told herself that many times.

Must go, but talk to your W. No LB's but talk and see what she has to say.

God Bless,

JL

SP there are 6 categories of love busters:

1. Angry Outbursts - Who wants to live with a time bomb?

2. Selfish Demands - Who wants to live with a dictator?

3. Disrespectful Judgements - Who wants to live with a critic?

4. Dishonesty - Who wants to live with a liar?

5. Independent Behavior - Who wants to live with a selfish jerk?

6. Annoying Habits - Who wants to live with a leaky faucet?

Guess which love buster you are guilty in engaging in? #4 (dishonesty). By keeping your deepest thoughts and feelings bottled up, and acting like you are fine, you are deceiving your W. Intimacy is the sharing of one's deepest thoughts and feelings, and if you and her are not doing this, how is recovery going to be possible? Her affair began with dishonesty because she transferred intimacy from you to the OM, and that dishonesty is residing quite comfortably in your home because BOTH of you are avoiding being totally open and honest with each other. If she gets upset, stop and leave her alone to process what you expressed to her. Above all be calm, soothing and respectful to her when you make your point so it doesn't deteriorate into a blame game, love busting argument.

<small>[ October 20, 2003, 08:25 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Andy,I really feel your pain.I'm going through a similar problem in my marriage.When you wrote about the pain with knees buckling and stuff it really got to me.I feel the same way and to can not eat or sleep and function at work.I to love my wife more than anything,and hope that you and I both come out of this as better people.GOOD LUCK TO YOU ANDY!!!!!

Just Learning and T00MuchCoffeeMan: you are both correct. I’ve been walking on egg shells, not wanting to stir up any negative emotions. I will step forward and be “calm, soothing and respectful” when I tell her about how I feel. I might appear like a rock on the outside, but there isn’t a hour that goes by that I don’t see images in my head about the “A”.

QUESTION: Is anyone else on Effexor??. I have been on 100mg for a few weeks, and it generally has been working well. But over the last few days, the “fog” seems to have crept back in. I suppose I should see my doctor about increasing the dosage, but I just wanted to inquire if other people on Anti’D’s have had to adjust their dosage.

fpgt: The pain is always there. Some days are better then others. It’s most important that you take care of yourself FIRST. Saying that, your life will still be a rollercoaster ride of pain and emotion. Meds will help this immensely. Be strong and try to have a positive attitude.

<small>[ October 24, 2003, 06:50 AM: Message edited by: suckerpunchedat42 ]</small>

I had to take 225mg of effexor, I progressed to that dose. You should speak with your doctor about increasing the dose. Be careful not to forget to take it for more than one day, it can make you pretty ill. You must get off it gradually.

That's my little effexor tip...

Just to follow-up on your Effexor tip, I missed two successive days of Effexor. Felt like I was numb and tingly. I had a lot of the affair crap in my head all day. I suppose that’s my punishment for missing a dosage or two. Missing one day isn’t so bad, but missing two days in a row is hell.

My wife is also on Effexor (twice my dosage). This was her third AD. The first was recalled due to liver side effects. The second just messed her up big time. Then they tried Effexor. So in a period of 2 weeks, she had 3 different AD's. She is doing very well now on the Effexor.

As to the road towards recovery, my wife has been seeing a councilor weekly for more then 2 months. I will be joining in her counseling sessions soon. Most days are good, actually they are very good. We spend more time together both in and out of the house. But there are some days when I have absolutely no trust in her. Anything out of character triggers immense suspicion. This sucks big time. I want to trust her 100%, but can’t always control the hurt.

<small>[ December 21, 2003, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: suckerpunchedat42 ]</small>

Your story is similar to mine in that our WW's are involved in a long term, 'soulmate' affair.

I know what you mean about not being able to trust her. When she leaves the house and tells me it is to shop for our children, I often wonder what she is not telling me she will be doing. It is a horrible feeling to have the one you have loved and trusted the most in this world betray you.

My best wishes and prayers are with you.

I love my wife and I pray for the day she returns to a fully commited marriage.

<small>[ December 21, 2003, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

Hey, Simply wanted to tell you that I feel for you. I just found out that my husbandd of 10 years has been sleeping with a co-worker since our new daughter was only weeks old. I confronted him on the issue. I simply felt something was wrong...like storing up food and preparing for war or something...I really did! I wanted to stock the pantry...felt that something terrible was about to happen...but wasn't quite sure what...there are times that I feel as though I never should have asked him. I have three girls ages 12-8- and 8 months....life is terrible...and sad. I did call the OWH. The OW had just revealed the affair to her husband 30 minutes prior to my call. For a while the OWH was a support for me...but I did not feel right participating in the love triangle and stopped speaking to him. The road is rocky. I want my husband to come home. My little girls are a wreck...I never know day to day what to expect. It is not unusual to feel depressed. I certainly go back and forth with depression...moment to moment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> If it were not for the three ladies I think I would have lost myself by now. Hang in there..be strong...be patient with yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />