Andy - I've just read this entire post for the first time. You've gotten good advice. I suggest you read the post linked in my sig line below and all the embedded links.

There wasn't much info posted from late October to now, so I have to make some assumptions here. #1 assumption is that she has not ended contact with OM. I understand that they work together and no contact may be difficult - but continued contact is the lifeline of an affair. Sooner or later all contact MUST end. Period. Yes, one of them will have to change jobs. Until all contact is severed, any progress you perceive in the strengthening of your marriage may be cruely misleading.

Assumption #2: You have yet to spill the beans to OM's wife. Please tell me I'm wrong. But if I'm right, by not doing so, you are contributing to the viability of the affair. And I know why you haven't done this: you don't want to LB her because she probably asked you NOT to tell. My response - sometimes it's necessary to take one step backwards in order to take two steps forward. Perhaps you've discussed this with your counselor and your counselor advised you not to tell. If so, please tell us EXACTLY what your counselor said in support of your decision. Also, explain to your counselor that you received contray advice here at MB. Heck, show her the replies to your post, including this one.

When you decide to tell, please inform us of more facts - what you know of OM and his family, etc., so that our collective knowledge base can help guide you.

Regardless, you've done a good job so far and your story has most of the characteristics of successful ones.

Major turn for the worse : She has started to see OM again.

Recap: My WW has been seeing a very good councilor, one on one, discussing issues about herself. It has almost always been a very emotional session for her, as my WW faces issues about herself. In the mean time, I stayed in the background, trying to be as supportive as possible, waiting for the time that we can move forward with MC. There was no (I’m fairly sure) contact with OM from Sept to Jan. There were days that were fantastic, and I felt so close to her. I felt that there may be a chance to save our marriage.

There were however, first infrequent, behaviors that started to make me suspicious again. You should be able to trust your spouse 100%. After being burned by a 4 year affair, I once again initiated some surveillance, hoping that I’m just being paranoid. Fast forward a few weeks to last week, when I was sure they were going to meet last Saturday morning while I was out skiing with the kids. I couldn’t let that happen, so I left her a letter Saturday morning detailing my suspicions and requests that if I’m correct, please don’t go. Please stay and concentrate on working with professionals, towards a conclusion. If it doesn’t work, then at least we tried. We discussed the note later in the day. She denied that she was going over. She did admit that she had seen him a few times, but only to talk. I once again asked her to stop seeing him, and start seeing an MC. She said she would, but she seemed so insincere. I was still suspicious. (Life can really suck…)

This Sunday morning in the kitchen I gave her a big hug. During the hug, she said “you must be disappointed in me..”. It DID seem sincere, but my gut says there’s more. Then comes Monday morning. **NOTE: I’m not proud of doing this. I had a gut feeling that she was going to see him Monday morning. I rented a van with the intention of following her (sounds crazy – I know). She called my on my cell shortly before she left, I can only assume to determine where I was. She says she was going to go shopping after she drops off our youngest daughter. Once she left the school, I followed in the rented van. She did not go to any mall. She eventually made it to an apartment building, the OM’s home. This confirmation just kills me. As I pull away, she waves at the van, indicating that she must know she was followed. I called my sister in-law, who is my only support. I paged my wife to call me, but by the time she returned the call, I was to upset to talk. I drove around randomly for a while, all the time balling (I know, not very masculine). Eventually I went home and packed a bag, just in case. I then went to the councilor’s office, but she was out until Tue. I left a sealed envelope for her to call me ASAP (my call for help).

I eventually ended up at a local library, where I could think in a quiet environment. I had intended to access the MB site from there, but was still too emotional to compose anything that would make sense. Lunch and a walk in the cold air helped. I eventually dropped off the rented van, and called my WW that I was coming home to talk. She had tried to call for hours, but I had my cell OFF.

When I got home, I could tell she had been crying. But for who, I can not tell. She was not remorseful. She says that she only went over to his apartment to personally tell him that she was going to MC and that she could not see him now. I personally do not believe this. She again, denied anything other then talking was happening. I asked her to write / call right then to issue a no contact agreement with OM. She refused, saying it was not necessary, but did agree to see MC, as she did last Saturday. The remainder of the day with the kids (once home from school) was much better. Boy was I dead tired from one of the worst emotional days of my life (the worst was initial discovery).

I have an appointment with my WW councilor tonight. I also had too talk to my boss about my problems (my work was suffering). He was very supportive, revealing to me that he went through something similar. He is going to get our HR department to help with MC through corporate benefits. So things are starting to move forward, but to what end, I do not know.

I personally feel that my WW has now agreed to see MC not for her self, but more for me to realize that things can’t be repaired. And that may be the case. What I need to do is somehow ensure that she enters MC with an OPEN mind, and NC with OM. That’s the only way it would work.

As someone from this board mentioned before, by me NOT talking openly and often about my feelings, I’m was being dishonest about the relationship. And I’m guilty of that.

OTHER INFORMATION:
1) OM apparently left his wife summer 2003. I can only assume that he did this as part of a plan with my WW.
2) My WW (after D-Day) had said that she had made a commitment to OM. In other words, how can she come back to me, if it was her that made OM leave his wife??
3) I have not spoke to OM wife yet, as it really doesn’t matter now.
4) Apparently, more people know about relationship with OM then I thought (her work).

Any words of wisdom are always greatly appreciated.

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: suckerpunchedat42 ]</small>