The holidays have sort of mad me reflect on my life for the past year.The past year has been EXTREMELY difficult.I have dealt with some very painful and hard things.I don't know how I have come this far but by the grace of God somehow I have.<P>My H has done some things I wasn't sure I could ever get past.At this moment in time I just look at him and my 2 boys and think how much all 3 of them mean to me.How things have been so very difficult but we haven't given up.I'm pretty sure we have both probably thought about it a time or two,but the important thing is that we didn't.<P>This coming New Years will be the second anniversary of our reconciliation.There were times when I didn't think we would make it.Times when I cried myself to sleep wondering where my life is headed.I have cried until there were no more tears left scared to death that he has still been involved with the OW.I am trying to make a New Year's resolution that none of this can get to me anymore.If I continue to live like this I will go insane.I just can't be scared or suspicious anymore.That's not who I am and I need to find that person that existed before the affair.That person will probably never be "all the way back",but maybe the good qualities will return and a more positive attitude will emerge.I will not be afraid to reach out and grab H's hand.I will not be afraid to hold him,kiss him,or tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me.I will not be afraid to tell him when I am feeling insecure and scared.I am not perfect and I most definitely will have bad days and this is perfectly normal.I realize we can't be on a "honeymoon" everyday of the week.<P>I refuse to be this scorned woman any longer.I am a good person and anybody would be lucky to have me.If it comes out one day in the future that H has lied to me about OW or how he feels about me then yes......life will go on.I would be hurt but I know I am strong enough now that I would make it through it.My self worth and well being does not revolve around my marriage.It has to come from inside first and then my marriage will flourish.I think if H knows I am OK,then he will be OK too.<P>I have no idea where this all came from.Like I said this whole Holiday season has really had me thinking.I've had a lot of hurt in my life.I have lost a lot of things that mean the world to me.But I will make it.I pray my marriage make it through the bad times as well as the good.<P>If I could ask Santa for what I wanted for Christmas it would be:<P>1.Hope<BR>2.Forgiveness<BR>3.Trust<BR>4.Honesty<BR>5.Unconditional Love<BR>6.And most of all,to keep my family strong,happy,healthy,and TOGETHER.<BR>7.Last but not least......the ability to let go of things in the past that have hurt me and look forward to a happy future!!<P>I surely hope I can continue to have these positive feelings.I KNOW I am a much better person than the OW.She doesn't even deserve the brain cells I use to worry about her or wonder what she will do next to destroy my marriage.I actually almost feel sorry for her that she cannot find anything better to do with her life.To make my marriage succeed would be the best revenge of all to her.She needs to be a better mother to her 2 children and get her life together.<P>Well,I think I got it all out now.I hope all of you have a happy,and warm Christmas!!<P>Here's to me for entering my 3rd year of recovery this New Year!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.<BR>
