I have been going over this question in my mind. Should I tell my wife's "friend" that he has been unfaithful not only with my wife but with others. After reading Andy's story (it's sound so familiar to mine) it seems like the correct thing to do. Wouldn't I just be hurting an innocent women and her family or am I doing her an injustice if I keep silent.

My wife is still in love (though she has no contact) with this cheating creep She says she is trying to forget him but is so blind she can not see him for the 3 timing jerk he is. She thinks I would do it just for revenge, which isn’t all-incorrect. I want this man to feel the pain that I am living with… but I don’t want to hurt others.

His first affair lasted 10 years with a co-worker. My wife started her affair with him 8 years ago (2 years into his 10 year relationship) that lasted I believe 6 months and then started up with him after his first girlfriend moved to another state. That lovely relationship lasted 8 months until I figured it out and confronted her 5 weeks ago.

I know my wife will go nuts if I tell her BF wife. She tells me she wants to work on our marriage; we're seeing separate psychologists to resolve our individual issues before we start our couple’s therapy. But I fear that if I tell, I can forget about any reconciliation.

Hi Guy,

Sorry about your situation. Your marriage can recover, read all the material on this site it helps. Your wife is very much in a fog. She will need time and patience and love from you. Don't expect anything in return for a while.
She may sometime see him for what he is.

I don't think I would bother telling the OM, he already knows. I would inform his Wife though. Its time to let a little daylight into both your marriages. Your wife will just have to learn that with certain actions come certain consequences.

But, don't do this out of revenge, the OM W needs to know the truth, she needs to be able to make choices also. (Plus if he is the creep you say he is she may need checked for STD's. Has your W been checked?

Have you read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/ Her Needs? If not get them read them. Have your Wife read them also.

I was checked for STDs two weeks ago, all negative. My wife just had hers the other day along with an HIV test. If she is negative should I also be tested?

Just asked my wife what did she think about telling the other wife. You guessed it, wasn't pretty. She asked me how come I will not let this thing die. Telling the other wife will just cause more problems to quote "Make a mountain out of a mole hill".

Before I asked her this question, I asked her if she wanted to go out and do something special. Sex & any intimacy is totally out of the question for her (she's not ready) so let go out to dinner maybe a few drinks AND not talk about all of this crap that consumes my every thought. "No" was her reply, not even ready to be in my company unless it includes our daily routines ie kids, food shopping or cleaning the house.

How can we begin to save our marriage when we can't even start. She says take one day at a time and don't rush her. - Guy

PS: Just ordered the book - "Surviving An Affair" hope it's as good as you guys say.

If you were the OM's wife wouldn't you want to know? By not saying anything you are allowing him to screw up other people's marriages in the future as well. The fact that your wife is upset over you and threatening you about this indicates that her priority is to protect him over saving your marriage. She should be doing everything to make you feel comfortable with her after she has been cheating on you. She cheats on you and you allow her to set up all the rules and the boundaries? What is wrong with this picture? Do the right thing and inform the OM's wife for she has a right to know just like you had right to know.
I wish you luck.

Hi Guy,

Yeah you should tell. Do you know her phone #.
If you do just give her a call, and ask if she can meet you somewhere, park, for coffee, etc...
When you do call, tell her not to tell her husband you have called, until you have told her
everything. She has a right to know just as you do. It's so sad!! But it's the right thing to do.

Ladysheep

I agree you should tell. Do it anonymously by letter if you have to, but in that case you need to provide proof. You should also click on the link in my signature line.

Guy,
I saw your post and had to respond because I just recently called the OM's W and told her.It was a very difficult decision for several reasons despite what people say on this board.

For one thing, it has been a year since a NC letter was sent. I was extremely worried that by me calling the OM's W it might create so much turmoil for the OM that he might try to recontact my W. I had always promised myself that if he ever called again that I would tell his W yet the reality is that he had called 6 mos ago and I still hadn't called her due to my concerns.

I think I was still afraid of their R rekindling. After all they were "soulmates" The OM had told my W that he would never divorce his W because of his love for his kids. (of course thatlove didn't preclude him from secret calls, meetings & trists with another married woman. Think of what a superhero dad he would have been if he had spent all of that quality time with his family instead of my W)So what if my call prompted their divorce thus creating his freedom? Despite my W saying that the R was over I still had my doubts.

So in the end I asked myself if the situation was reversed would I want her to call me and the answer was "yes." I should have called her sooner within the first month of finding out. We could have compared notes on their behavior.

If I had called her sooner she and I would have discovered information together. They way it worked out I did all the discovery and she got all of the info in one large shocking lump. Despite trying to meet her in person she had no interest and wanted all the info. over the phone. Since I was a stranger I can't blame her.

Guy,hope this helps you make your decision.

BTW,I still feel guilty about telling her at times but....

Hi all

CWMAC
Dont feel guilty except for the length of time that you didn't tell her. She needed the information so that she can make some choices herself.

Hi Guy

SAA and HNHN are good books. You'll find a lot of the stuff here. I would also print the Emotional Needs Questionaire also. Make a copy so that you can have your W fill it out sometime.

I spent the last four days with my wife and cried most of the time. Good news is that she "says" that the feelings for the BF are disapearing. But she still doesn't have any feelings for me. She loves me... but is not in love. This realy hurts!!!

I couldn't take her getting mad at me for "Not Functioning" the way I should. Am I supposed to just forget about her affair? Be fake and phoney to friends, relatives and my children? I can't do it! So I packed my clothes and left the house. Her main concern was where I was to go (not why). She says I'm not giving us a chance, it's only been a month. You never know she might get back the feelings she lost 13 years ago. Yeah right. - Guy

Hi Guy,

The famous, She loves you, but is not in love w/ you line, huh? Many say that. But the thing is what they are really saying is that they miss the "honeymoon" of being in love. Remember that!!!
I wish the "honeymoon" could last forever too.
Maybe it can!! But how does one get those honeymoon feelings back? Can one really get
those feelings back w/in many years of marriage?
Is it really reality to think one can?

They go onto another relationship, find out the honeymoon, "in love stage" gets over there too.
I think many people just get bored w/in their marriage. Gets to be the same thing everyday.
The thing is how to put spice back into the marriage and keep it there. Then I hear of some
marriages that some say they are more in love today than when they married.

Hmmmmmmm.......

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

I must be an idiot! I couldn't leave. After going to a friend house I fell asleep (passed out) around 8pm, my eyes dry and hurting from crying. I woke up around mid-night wanting to go home so I did. My wife and I spoke for an hour, made some sort of arrangements and fell asleep with me holding her. I can't let go! I want to... but I don't want to.

I truly think the OM is out of the picture. I received phone records that had shown a distinct pattern with her checking her voice mail then calling is voice mail. After D-Day it stopped. Is she calling him from her office? I'll never know but at least her addictive pattern has stopped.

My wife seams to be more committed to our kids. I think she realized that her A would severely hurt them. Her love for me hasn't changed; she cares for me greatly but doesn't have that feeling that a loving spouse should have for their mate. Will it, can it ever return? I need help on how I should handle this. Be aloof? Less interested in her? Show her that I love her?

These are questions I will ask my therapist today. - Guy

PS: Thanks for all of your responces. I will ask my therapist today if the time is right to tell the OM Wife. If I do please do not let it srcew up my already srewed up relationship.

Guy: buy, and read, "Surviving an Affair" NOW!! You need it. The "not being in love with you" is a primary cause of approximately 80% of womens' affairs. Harley show you why and how that happens and how to change things.