Anastasia remember the old MB mantra 'BOTH BS and WS are EQUALLY responsible for the bad state of the marriage, BUT ONLY the WS is responsible for chosing to have the A'.

If you've read Dr Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair' when Sue (the WW) returned to Jon (the BH) she too did not want to be intimate with him. What changed that? The application of the four rules for a succesful marriage with special emphasis on the rule of time. If BOTH of you let your duties as a parents and employees totally sabotage your time alone together, then there isn't much of a chance to fall in love again. So consider comitting at least 15 hours a week to time alone with each other.

God bless you and your loved ones.

TMCM--

Thank you for your response... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I do not take any responsibility for him having an A.. I agree- my post sounded like I was responsible for his choices.. I am not. It's hard to walk that fine line of "I know my part of having a bad marriage, but I did not cause him to have an A" But, I did what I did as I stated in the other post...

I would love to have 15 hours with my ws.. I totally believe in SAA. My WS won't read, listen, counsel or anything else. At first all he wanted was a Dv.. I totally dug my heels in and stated I would not do the paper work for him.This was Aug 2002. I did/do NOT want a Dv.. I still believe in us. He had yet another A(I could never prove-but I know it was there), and now for about 1 month, that A seems to have died. In Jan 2003 I found MB. I started Plan A. Now he seems content to be just a cordial roommate. We went to fair last weekend. Hugs and kisses the two little boys (ages 2 & 4), just walks away from me. Today- he leaves to get a hair cut.. Yells.. I love you two!!! Just walks past me.. My heart is breaking... If I bring up Dv, he says.. Have I done the paperwork.. no- so stop worrying about it. So it seems, he doesn't want a Dv now, but doesn't want a marriage either.. I'm just the live in Nanny..

I went through a job interview last week. Yesterday- my references emailed me saying they were contacted and I'm in the running for the position. There is still one more interview and written assisgnment to get through if I get called back in. Then an extensive background check as it's in the Dept of Justice-- so IF I'm offered the job- it's still 2 months off after background check..

When I get a job- I'll be in a better position so I can go into plan B.. Laying in bed everynight alone while he stays in the living room waiting for me to go to sleep is just killing me.. I now understand why Cerri says Plan B is about protecting the BS.. Last week met 1 year D-day mark.. Way too long in Plan A..

Thank you so much for replying TMCM.. I have always respected your opinion.

Ana

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Laying in bed everynight alone while he stays in the living room waiting for me to go to sleep is just killing me.."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so sorry that he is treating you this way, for I too went thru that kind of treatment by my ex-WW during the last two years of my marriage with her. It eventually killed any remaining love I had for her. I hope that you get that job so that you can protect yourself and your love for your WH.

God bless you and your loved ones.

TMCM: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hope that you get that job so that you can protect yourself and your love for your WH.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do too, but at the same time, it just breaks my heart. It's my kids. I have a 2 and 4 year old boys who adore their dad. When he goes to work in the morning, they sit on the step and wave goodbye with a couple tears running down their cheek- "I'm going to miss my daddy today".. The 2 year old saying "Mommy- will he be back??<sniff-sniff> Same thing when I leave to run errands-- And this is with us never fighting in front of them, never leaving them, nothing to instil insecurity in them.

Just the thought of leaving my ws and putting that fear, rejection, scaredness, into my boys heart just kills me. I am really having an incredible hard time with this. I know in my heart I can't live like this forever, but how oh how do I do this to my boys. They also don't remember me working. All they are going to see is mom went to work and "left us" and dad moved out of the house and "left us".. My hear is breaking.....

When D-day had just happened, ws was going to bed early- kissed both my boys and not me.. My then 3 year old(now 4), cried-- daddy- you forgot to kiss mommy goodnight. Daddy- oh Daddy- please kiss mommy goodnight.. please.. Sobbing sobbing tear, running down his face.. My ws at the time was so far into the fog- he didn't "get" it.. I cried 1/2 the night through- I saw a glimpse of separation.

Another time ws not come home when he "should of" I knew he was with the ow, my 4 year old sitting on the front porch waiting and waiting crying for his dad to come home. "Why isn't he home yet mommy.. Where is my daddy?.. Is he mad at me?" (I kept saying traffic, phone call, etc...) At 4, he already is the center of our universe, and when something is wrong- he must be the cause. How do I crash down his universe. My 2 year old- it will be very difficult- but will make it through after a very rough time. My super sensitive 4 year old--it will break his heart..

Even if Plan B worked and we got back together- would they ever trust in us or believe in us again? And why should they?

Cerri one time told me that for my kids- this is why I have to go to plan B, before I lose all my love for my ws and will never return to the marriage. I 1000 percent believe her.. I understand. I know it is right.. But my heart is having a very hard time. How do I do something even if I know it's right- knowing the pain, sorrow and tears and it's going to cause my children. How do I purposely inflict pain on them?

I don't know.. I'm so angry- and so full of resentment- not as much at the A, but at the attitude of my ws to not even try to come back to the M.. All this weekend.. just sits on the chair watching t.v.- a bump on a log. I don't know if this is still the withdrawl from the ow, or just withdrawl from our M or what.

I don't want to intrude on you- so please don't feel you have to answer my question. Do you have children? After 2 years, what happened. What finally pulled you two apart?

Thank you for letting me vent a little. It's been a really long lonely weekend.

Ana

<small>[ September 01, 2003, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: Anastasia^^ ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Cerri one time told me that for my kids- this is why I have to go to plan B, before I lose all my love for my ws and will never return to the marriage. I 1000 percent believe her.. I understand. I know it is right.. But my heart is having a very hard time. How do I do something even if I know it's right- knowing the pain, sorrow and tears and it's going to cause my children. How do I purposely inflict pain on them?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Listen to Cerri for she knows what she speaks of.

Your emotions, especially fear, can sabotage your hard earned efforts and add more damage to your marriage.

While no one can guarantee you that by executing the best Plan A/Plan B your marriage will be saved. It positions YOU to be in the best place possible no matter where your marriage ends up.

You can minimize the damage your boys may experience by making sure that you and your WH are there for them as much as possible. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for, and many times they adapt much easier to changes than adults.