My husband and I were married in Jan earlier this year. We have a young son. I discovered a long time ago that he had been having sexual encounters over the internet. With 3 big blow ups several months apart he vowed never to do it again. Three weeks ago I found an unfamiliar number on our home phone bill. I questioned him about it and he argued with me for not trusting him. After much prodding he came clean. He has been talking to a woman from ut of town for over a year via email and just recently started talking to her on the phone. I was away with our son visiting family for a week he took this opportunity to engage in phone sex as well an innocent discussion with this woman. After this discovery I began to question another trip out of town I took with the baby and what may have happened then. Upon discussion and his supposed efforts to be honest he told me that when I went away last time he had meet a local woman online in a sex chat room and proceeded to go to her house and have sex with her.

So that is what he has done. I know that our marriage is new and has been rocky. I accept that had I met more of his emaotional needs he may not have strayed. We start counselling on Thurs this week. But I realized in the middle of the night last night he is still up to his old tricks. He said he can't control it. But getting past my pain to try and fight for my marriage is too hard to have him just smack me in the face when he gets back on the net or calls this woman. No we are in GA and she is PA but has told him if it will help him decide who to choose she will come here to visit.

I have asked her to back off but she won't. I am at my wits end. I am a stay at home mom and am having trouble caring for my son because of the stress. I thought of going back to Canada at least for a visit so I can be surrounded by friends and family. But I am afraid if I go it will be a green light for him to cheat. At the same time he is doing it under my nose so what is the difference? I would appreciate some advice.

BH

(((bhampton))) - big hug and lots of tears! I am so sorry for your pain. I know exactly how you feel. I lived this for a horrible year of hell.

I'm at work and would love to chat with you and give you insight on what I have done and dealt with. Don't know how much I can help, but maybe just to have an ear.

You can reach me via e-mail at chele1228@hotmail.com - e-mail me there.

Good luck and God Bless!

My husband of almost 25 years had an internet A and had planned to meet the women for a day to see if they liked each other in person as they did on line. She decided at the last minute not to come after all.

I found out about the A because of a cell phone bill and I asked my husband about it. He said it was over and we did the following:

We wrote a no contact letter and sent it to her chat name. I can view the cell phone bills at anytime on line to see if there are calls to her or from her. We took off all chat programs from the computers in our home and if my H needs to be on line he tells me what he is up to.

My husband has worked really hard to show me that he does love me and that he is no longer interested in this other women and I believe him.

Now if she tries to contact him, I will have to deal with that, but so far since he told her he was staying with me she has left us alone.

It can be done, and I am hopeful that our marriage will be better now after all of this.

Your H will have to do the same if he really loves you and wants to build a life with you.

This is a good place to post your feelings and lots of folks out there can help you along the way.

I wish you the best.....

vm has some really good concrete steps that will need to be taken, however, he has to want to make this work and want to stop the madness.

1> Absolutely NO CONTACT (I disconnected the Internet in our home and he got a job that does not have Internet. He later disconnected it from his cell phone as well)
2> Being open, honest and accountable to you (I get to view the cell phone bills, after changing the phone number and I get to check his phone each night or less when I am feeling better about things)

Until you get to a place where he wants to work on it, checking up on him will cause continued sorrow and pain. I think that it needs to be done, but it will hurt. You can get computer spy programs off the internet.

My FWH had mulitple e-mail accounts, deleted them in front of me just to set up a new one when I wasn't around. We had to change his cell phone number once, almost twice. He had multiple yahoo chat names, deleted in front of me, only to create a new one the next day. It is a horrible addiction that doesn't spare anyone in it's path.

Good luck and God Bless!

Thank you all so much for your support. Although I would like to continue the fight for my marriage my WH is no the only one on the fence now. As of last night he claims that he has cut her off. But where he is a PC programmer he could be doing anything at work and I would never know about it. There is no trust and the fact that after I committed myself to moving forward with our marriage and he continued his destructive behavior I am very close to hopeless. In an effort to save my sanity I have decided to travel home to Canada for a few weeks to be surrounded by love and support which I need. I have a feeling he will slip harder into his old habits when I am away but I need this time for me...I have run out of steam and will to proceed with my marriage. Though I still love my WH dearly he has to want this too or it will not work. I cannot thank you all enough for the support. Today I have a new perspective on things and feel a bit better than yesterday.

Thanks again

(((bhampton)))
I talked to my FWH about you last night. Believe it or not, I said the exact same thing that you said....he has to "want" to quit. My H did not disagree. I told him that I felt so bad for you because it reminded me so much of my time of hell.

I will say that what I think worked was when he felt a shift in my energy to work on me and not be consumed by him. Going to Canada is a GREAT idea, even if he does slip back into the destructive behavior. You know that you can't control it, but you can control how it affects you and you can take steps to protect and heal yourself.

My FWH worked in the computer field as well and that is why he had to completely change fields of work. He is a windsmith now and climbs windmills to trouble shoot and fix them. This is a physical job as well as technical and he loves it. He can no longer be on a computer the way that he was in his past, he knows that. It's too destructive for our M.

Go to Canada......take care of you and your son. Buy Surviving An Affair and any other Affair related books for additional support. Create your boundaries and stick to them. You deserve it!!

WH and I had a horrible argument last night and he threatened to take our son from me. I am really scared. He spoke to me with such disrespect. I tried to initialize plan B and that is when he threatened to take my son from me forever. He pointed out that I am a stay at home mom and there for have no income. He only calmed down when I told him I would call the police if tried to leave with our toddler.

Worst of all my son heard the whole thing. I just don't know what to do anymore. After last night I see no hope anymore. We both calmed down after hours of arguing and he said he would go to his moms but then it got so late I told him to sleep on sofa as to not fall asleep at the wheel. I then went to bed. At 4 am I woke up to WH in the bed with me making sexual advances while he masturbated. I felt so violated. I don't know what to do? Please offer any advice you have.

BH

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: bhampton ]</small>