It has been a year since I discovered my H EMR, 9 months since he saw or talked to her. We are doing well, and he is trying so hard to be accountable and trustworthy, but I'm still scared that it will happen again. He says that I was not at all at fault, that it was not because of anything I did or did not do, and that turns out to be true, because he realized that it was the result of addiction that started before we met. I have this fear of it happening again that just overwhelms me. It's good to know that it's not my "fault", yet this also makes me feel completely powerless to prevent a reoccurence. How can I get past this fear?

Hi there,<P>In a way, it is better to be at fault for something that contributed to the affair because then you have something to work on and say, "There that's better, I have done my part."<P>What your husband is claiming is that his affair had to do with a personal character flaw on his part. Only counseling and soul searching is going to help him resist temptation again. Has he read all of Dr. Harley's books?<P>My husband did not know at first why he had his affair. It took a good, long while for his self-discovery (counseling and Dr. Harley's books) Only through his discovery can I feel the least bit confident that he has control of not letting this happen again. <BR>

Welcome <B>stillhurting</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I'm going to plagerise Jim's letter it sums things up nicely.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I hope the information here supplys the answers to your questions.<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Yes, WilliamJ, I'm familiar with all this. But none of it quite fits our situation - my H was the result of escalating sexual addiction that started nefore we even met! I didn't know about it, and he didn't understand it. Now we do, and he is working hard at recovering, but I'm still scared that he might get into a situation that will "trigger" him, and he's "gone'. He has said that once the idea of being with someone, even vaquely, was set in motion, he felt powerless to stop it.<P>I think I need to find a way to just stop being afraid. If he's going to do it again someday, he just is, and there's not much I can do but pray.

As obsurd as it may sound there is a 12 step program for this.<P>SA sex addicts anonymous.<P>Call one of your local rehab centers they should have info.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Yes, I know there are (Though not in this area) My H tried counseling for it, but the counselor was skeptical of "sexual addiction', or that is the way my H interpreted it anyway, so he wouldn't go back. I would have pushed harder, but he really does seem to be doing well on his own. Being part of a group of others dealing with this would have helped though I think.