Hello all. I'm new here and I sure could use some advice.

Married 2 1/2 years (total of 6 years together), have a beautiful house in my dream area. Now our marriage according to my H is a dysfunctional one. I've been a bit depressed and my ability to express my love or affection towards him was lacking. But he knows that I love him very much. But I wasn't meeting his needs. (I realize this now). There are concerns about each other, of course on both sides, my lack of sex drive and his disrespectful way he would speak to me about that situation. Anything I said was idiotic, insane, etc.

We had just come back from our summer vacation to Hawaii, which was o.k., but he would pick fights with me almost everyday. He wouldn't show affection, no sex, just attitude. The day after our return home, I was going through all emails, I discovered one that H had sent to A while we were on our vacation. "he couldn't wait to see her..." even signed off with Love. After reading this I was so enraged, I called him on his cell (he had to work) and demanded to know what was going on. Mind you, just 3 weeks before our trip, his behavior began to change a bit. One night he came home rather late and he wanted to talk. Saying the marriage is a joke, that things would need to change on a dime with our lack of sex, etc. Well I told him that things were starting to change. I had purchased videos, and other items to get our sex life shaped up. (Sex was awesome, when it was there). Well after talking a bit more, I thought things would be fine. Then I find out about the A.

He came home and explain she was someone that came into his business with a relative. After A presue him by visiting him, he decided to try it.
It has only been 3 times, nothing special, etc. Said she knew he was married. But still went for it. After hours of screaming, crying, fighting....we decided that he would move down the hall and we would try to work things through.

The next day, I found another email for travel reservations for the both of them going back to Hawaii. I know what your saying, this guys gots some balls. At that point, since I had her email address, I sent her one, explaining that we had just come back from our family summer vacation and what kind of person, knowing the man was married would go on a trip and......well I'm sure you can guess the rest.
At that point I called H on his cell and told him that I discovered the travel reservations and that I had emailed OW. His response was, well I'm too embarrassed to contact her. That he would leave her money with his co-workers for her to pick it up. (she paid for a portion of the trip). He would have no further contact with her, because he HAD lied to her also. She did not know he was married. Well she sent him a response, never wanting to see him or speak to him again. He wasted enough of her time, wanted her money back, etc.

My H left our house on this day and has been out of the house since. He has even moved some clothes and furniture. Claims he's staying with a close friend. RIGHT?

Well at some point during this week, he contacted her after all and convinced her to go on the trip anyway. She had gotten her money back, the trip was paid for, why not?

The day they were supposed to go on the trip, I could not reach him by cell. It had gone directly to VM, which tells me it was off. I got a very sick feeling that they indeed went on the trip. That her email was just a smoke screen to get me to back off. I made a few calls and did confirm that they were on that flight. Later that evening, he called me saying he was still at work, and he would be leaving soon. I asked him to tell me the truth about where he was and he still kept the lie going.

I rarely spoke to him during that week and was going completely insane. All the why's, where's, how's. It drove me mad.

Since their return, he spent a lot of time NOT taking care of business, NOT taking care of responsibilities, told me that he wanted to move out into his own apartment, wants to sell our dream home, but not get divorced, just a trial seperation. But divorce was exactly what he would bring up when we didn't get along. He even mentioned it to my daughter. My H had come home briefly to pick up some things and of course we get into this full blown yelling match. I started to cry hyterically. Asked him if he had received my email, asking him to see if we could get some help to work through this. He said he didn't get the email, so I turned on the computer to read it to him. But before I could, I saw that the A had sent ME an email. Just rubbing the trip and their relationship into my face. She indicated some pretty personal information about me, that I should just move on.... I could not believe what I was reading. How could he share such personal information about me and how my life was before he and I even dated. To everyone, he made me look like a crazy fool.

Now she's been gone on another vacation, just herself for the past week, another week to go and of course where is my H. Coming home to see me, to have sex, to just screw with me more. Of course I gave in, knowing all that I know. I feel a bit ashamed, because here he is going back and forth, god knows what he could have brought home to me. But I always protect myself. To him though it's just about the sex. No emotions behind it, there can't be. He claims he doesn't love me any more and knowing that the affair was not to be a long term thing, even though he said that if it ever became over, it would not be by his doing.

In a nutshell. My H has an affair, feels no guilt, only that he handled it wrong (should have ended it with me before starting something else), wants to sell our home, move out on his own for awhile, live a single life and have an open marriage. He says we could date, have sex, but the first time I deni him, he'll find it elsewhere, and has no intentions of filling for divorce.

O.k. I'm so confused. God help me I still want things to work out for us. But he wants his cake.....he will say things to me that give me some gleamer of hope that things will work out, then says he just want to be on his own. I believe he'll go right back to her when she returns and will pick up right where they left off, even though he says that is not what his priorities are right now.

I can't stop myself from calling him all the time, asking the same old questions, which is just pissing him off more and more. Just don't know how to handle. Please, please someone help. I have my beautiful daughter to think about.

Thank you.

Take a deep breath and go slow.

Read the links below.

Thanks for the reply. I do tend to ramble. Logically, I know that what I've been doing are total LB's, and I'm working on that. I will re-read Plans A & B, it's just that I don't know what to believe. Like I said it's all happening way too fast, and I just don't want him to forget that he still has a wife, and to live his "single life" just might do more harm.

Where do I go from here?

He wants to move out...OK...not much you can do there. He's going to do it, or make your life miserable while he's at home so you'll ask him to leave. He's counting on you begging for him to come back. he know's it's just a trial separation because you will ALWAYS take him back.

Look at the LB's and cut them out. No more phone calls unless they are sweet (MAYBE once a day). No more screaming and yelling but calm talking about what hurts. And figure out what his Emotional Needs are. Of course SF, but what else, affection? I would say lavish him with love and attention...a Plan A to the hilt all the while talking calmly about his move out.

But, the move is not without it's consequences. Once the move happens things will be different. Visitation schedule will have to be set up for D. Money will have to handled. Perhaps a legal, financial separation, unless you can both agree to terms of this separation...or rather...he agrees to your terms. Then after the move, switch to Plan B. This can be VERY effective. This scares the S into thinking maybe they can't come home... A separation is not the end. Think of it as a way to get the R to a place you'd rather see it. He can't come home again unless it's by your rules. And he will want to come home if you are the sweet wonderful wife he fell in love with.

I know, I'm just guessing, but this is the story I've heard of happening on here MANY MANY MANY times before. He happened to me. We're only about 2 months into recovery, but he is seeing a counselor, is honest and accoutnable, and spends a GREAT deal more time with me.

I know this is all so new and tough to handle. You will get through this. And in 6 months you will be a different/stronger person.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'll take them to heart.

The thing that really gets to me are his mean and horrible words. The name calling, the judgements. He even said that he didn't think he loved me anymore. When I look into his eyes, I sometimes see that man I loved, and I think I see it in his eyes, when he looks at me. (oh, who am I kidding).

Well he's been out of the house for a few weeks already, but he'll be in his new apartment by this weekend. Said I could come and go as I please, etc. I don't think that is where he'll be resting his head every night.

The good thing is that I'm working on bringing ME back. I've been repressed long enough. The funny thing about that is, he was the one that fell in love with the crazy/wild side of me, but then would give me the third degree whenever I went out or did things without him (which was really never). Like I told him: "In your eyes, I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't."

Thx again.

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: Lemon13 ]</small>

I like the metaphor when Dr. Harley says an Affair is like an addiction to drugs or alcohol. He is high when he says those things. He is in what we call the "fog". And what he's saying is "fogtalk". My FWH once asked me why he couldn't have a wife AND a girlfriend?

You have to take much of what he says with a grain of salt. He'll say anything to get what he wants right now...

Well, now I've done it. Last night a friend and I decided to see where exactly my husband has been the last week. I have a pretty good feeling that he's been staying at A house while she's on vacation, but I just needed confirmation. Well unfortunately he spotted us. Called me on my cell phone and actually laughed and joked about it. While driving and talking to him on the cell, we continued to follow him to a friend's house. After awhile, he came out drove right past my vehicle, we ducked down, and he yelled out, "I know that's you". Later I found out that he called the Police Watchguard to get information on harrassment / stalking. He had left me a VM saying he wanted to talk to me first, before making a call to the police.

So it's ugly right now, and to top it off, he had driven over to the A house to warn a cousin that I may be showing up and to contact the police. And also he's going to let the A know about this and allow her to decide what legal actions to take.

o.k., I've not done anything remotely like harrassing / stalking, etc. to either. This was the first time and I just wanted to see my husband.

I can't believe that he keeps bringing her into our business and that he continues to defend her.

Because of my threats of commiting suicide, now he won't stop calling me, he says he has a moral and legal obligation to report this information, but doesn't know who to report it with. The only thing he's worried about is the selling of our house. What legal / moral obligation.

I probably should just stay away, but it's sooooo very hard.