Hi,

I have been married for almost a year now. About six months ago, my husband had to move back to his country to have a new job. I'm expecting a child and lately we started having many problems primarily because of the interference of his family.

A few weeks ago, he added his mobile number to his ICQ profile, which actually has no apparent reason but to meet girls on-line.
First of all, my husband doesn't have much time to chat on the Internet. He only uses ICQ to talk to his friends and family.
So am I being too suspicious or is it unusual that people disclose their mobile no in a public chat program as the ICQ?


I can feel that nothing would stop him from betraying me and the proof is that he's openly looking for adventures through Internet, meaning that in real life he must be also trying his luck.

I have to say that all my husband's love life had been purely sexual according to his own words. He lead what you might call a double life in a conservative and hypocrite community. He dated girls just to have sex with them for a while (days, months) then off to new adventures.

I used to trust him 100%. It's part of my nature. Love and trust cannot be separated. Ever since his departure, I sensed a drastic change in him. He became less attentive and less patient. He kept using the same love language he used to use, but this was meaningless with the obvious indifference he was showing me and the coming baby.

As for him watching porno, he did and stopped doing it after marriage. It was his suggestion. I watched some porno from time to time, but it never really got my attention. It was a harmful fake and a deformation of what real passion and sex are.
Any way, is he looking for cybersex when posting his cellular no on icq, or worse is he looking for a real date from his hometown and country?

One more thing, my husband has a great appetite for sex and I must say that I shared his enthousiasm most of the time, though I'm more romantic than sexual. So if he's being unfaithful, is it because his sex drive is too strong to resist?

I know that men have all kinds of excuses to justify their behavior and selfishness but I can't see how to forgive infidelity.

Thanks to all

Joie

Joie, I don't have time to go into it here. But read the sections on emotional needs. Also about what happens when baby makes three. BIG CHANGES.

I do think you're jumping the gun a little here. What may be happening is your are sensing your husband is vulnerable to an affair, emotionally vulnerable. However, that doesn't mean that he's seeking one out. In fact, most people don't go looking for them. They "just sort of happen."

Why don't you ask him?

How soon before you go to him? After the baby is born? A lot of needs require a physical presence. Or you have to get creative with email and phone. Sex, Recreational companionship, and affection being obvious. Plus, there are those 15 hours you should spend alone with your spouse.

Thanks for your reply

We agreed to spend the summer vacation together, then I would join him after settling some things concerning my work.
But pregnancy changed the plans a little bit. Any way, he refused to spend the vacation with me, saying that he had no money, but I know that being pregnant in my 7th month during that summer vacation would make it no fun at all being around me.

And now he's making one sided decisions with his family concerning "our" life and marriage, something I can't accept and I can't compromise with, as it's our life and we have to decide it ourselves, even if we need the advice of family and friends, still we must be in control.

We're practically not communicating and it hurts me so to see how he is so insensitive to the fact that I'm pregnant and I have special needs. It hurts me also to get all the love and care from all people around me but not from him.

I have to add one thing. I was making more money than he, plus I had a great financial support from my family. So I paid for everything ever since we met, fell in love and he proposed to me. I even paid him all his plane tickets from and into my country. During the time we lived together, he had no work, so it was me who supported the family. He had my credit card and before leaving I was practically broke. He spent all my savings.

Now that he's having a good job, he refuses to share any financial responsibility with me. He didn't even buy anything for the baby. He didn't even discussed his name with me, not even once.

I just want to explain why I lost trust in him. Everything he did and does shows that he doesn't care.

Joie

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

Be very carefull. Protect yourself and the baby above all else. Does he still have your credit card? If so cancel it. I would think twice about giving up a good job if he is not taking financial responsibility for you and the baby.
Yes, you and the baby are his responsibility but when it comes down to it the baby is YOUR responsibility and yours alone. Sad but true.

Try not to make any life altering decisions right now while your pregnant. You can't trust those raging howmones. I know you don't want to hear that. Again sad but true. I too am pregnant (8 months) and have found out my husband is having an A. It makes me mad to have my feelings chaulked up to hormones. But I have realized my emotions are running high due to the pregnancy and I'm not as rational as I should be. So take it slow. Concentrate on getting through one day at a time. Take care of yourself and the baby. Yes I know it is hard to eat, sleep and concentrate. Do the best you can. Don't be so hard on yourself and when you need to just sit down and cry.

Good luck and God bless you.

Hi,

Thank you so much for your post. You really speak my mind.

I never felt like I have to be emotionally, socially or even financially dependant on my partner. I'm not like that. I feel that I'm an independant creature and marriage to me is a healthy partnership where the couple live a better quality life, support each other and have equal share of everything.

Am I being utopic, maybe. But the truth is the immaturity and the fragility of my husband are ruining whatever love we may have left.

No he doesn't have my credit card any more. I'm now in control of my income and I agree with you, the baby is my responsibility alone, until, maybe, we reach a decent agreement over that issu.

I haven't made any decisions except maybe not to repeat past mistakes and to be wise and rational about everything, at least for my baby's sake.

You're absolutely right about hormonal changes and I can't imagine what kind of a man who would cheat on his wife while she's pregnant. It must be so hard for you to cope with this.

A man does not actually share the bearing of the child during pregnancy, but he MUST share every moment of his baby's foetal life and try to ease the pain and share the joy of it as best he could.

Men never stop to amaze me with the extravagance of their selfishness and their immaturity.

I feel for you and I wish you a happy ending of this horrible crisis.

And thanks once again

Joie

Joie,

I hope thing are going well for you today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for me things seem to be getting better. H swears A is over and we are trying to put our M back together.

With regard to men, selfishness and expecting babies. I don't think it is that they are selfish. I think it is more that it is just not real to them until the baby is born. It is so different for a mother. You carry around amother life who reminds you constantly that it is there especialy as the baby grows. I can be really busy, not thinking about the baby at all and BAM he kicks and I'm like Oh yeah you ARE there.

Men don't experience any of that. I think to them the baby is not really a person unitl it is born.

I'm glad to hear you are taking it slowly. Good luck and you are in my prayers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lr001:
<strong>Joie,

As for me things seem to be getting better. H swears A is over and we are trying to put our M back together.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm glad to hear that, it takes time to rebuild a marriage but it takes a lot of courage to just make the decision.

<strong>

With regard to men, selfishness and expecting babies. I don't think it is that they are selfish. I think it is more that it is just not real to them until the baby is born.

</strong>[/QUOTE]

You're absolutely right about that. To men, a baby is just an idea or a dream that will come true in the near futur, but that doesn't mean they have the right to deny their emotional and financial responsibility toward that baby until it's born.

<strong>

It is so different for a mother. You carry around amother life who reminds you constantly that it is there especialy as the baby grows. I can be really busy, not thinking about the baby at all and BAM he kicks and I'm like Oh yeah you ARE there.

</strong>[/QUOTE]

I agree with you again. I do appreciate God's gift in spite of moments of despair or anger and I do realize it's a miracle to have a baby. Maybe that's why I feel that it's a kind of ingratitude from my husband not to appreciate that precious gift.

You lifted my morals, so thanks again. I wish you the best.

<small>[ September 12, 2003, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: joie ]</small>