OW found out me and H are still intimate and as recent as Friday night, I was accused of contacting her directly (no I never talked to her) and telling her to be vindicative. My neighbor who is aware of the A asked me if I was pregnant, because I look so ill (no I'm not), I told her no it's the stress and we're using protection because I'm not convinced he's still not sleeping with OW. she then told me that a neighbor (who is gossipy) across the street who works with my husband was asking her if I knew about his workplace A, both neighbors are very mad etc, Neighbor told gossipy neighbor she knew we were still doing, apparently her husband heard us through an open window. Gossipy neighbor made sure OW at work found out about and even said she thought I was pregnant or there'd be another baby, which would #6 in 9 months. OW went berserk, hysterical etc saying, "But he loves me and he's going to take care of me" My H is a resident at a hospital and OW is a nurse. Anyhow in the wee hours of this morning H angrily confronts me about OW finding out we were intimate. He was mad at me for causing her pain and that she had enough pain in her life and didn't deserve me begin vindicative. I said wait a minute what about my pain, etc. You can imagine the verbage. Anyhow, he said my being vindicative would not endear me to him and make him fall in love with him again. and he repeatedly says she's not a bad person and I keep saying she is because she went after a married man. he then said he was the one that pursued her. Then he went off on how miserable of ahuman being he is and woe is me, etc etc. He then said he was going to her house to apologize to her for her pain and he didn't give a GD what I thought and then he would come home tonight and pack his stuff up. Our therapist, who we have not seen jointly yet, did advise me two days ago that if he was to leave that she'd like to be present when the children were told, so it did not erupt into a finger-pointing nightmare. He said he would wait unitl Tuesday at our session to decide what to do. Am I glad she found out we were intimate, Absolutely, I'm glad she's feeling pain. I feel like this has given the excuse to move out and be with her. I swear he acts like two different people. One moment he's attentive, etc. the next he is defending her to the max like he's a crusader. I'm so confused. I don't know whether to force hiim out or stick it out unitl Tuesday. He was so angry this morning I will thought he was going to explode and react violently. he did not make any moves toward me, but was visibly angered. I have a call into the therapist. any advice, anybody else been through something similar. I'm almost convinced if he's not using some sort of drugs, then he's bi-polar, split personality. I don't know. Thanks for reading.

Can you believe that these OW think there is no sex? We had sex at least 3-4X/week. Most married couples continue to have sex, that's one of the reasons it takes a while to figure out what's going on.

Take heart, maybe she is getting a little reality dose. No offense to most nurses, but I have seen a group of them (including techs etc)throwing themselves at doctors, married or not. Now this is not all (many are my closest friends), but a specific type of health care person who usually didn't have the balls to go far in school that's out looking for her doc husband and the easy way to "status"-real or imagend.

I'm a little bitter about this one because an attractive tech threw her legs open for my spouce. She was a whore who gave me (us) a STD yeast infection. Yep, you can get those too sexually-I'd never had one till he got it from her. This touched a nerve with me, see, even 2 years later with the most perfect recovery there are still triggers.

By the way, your H is acting tipically. Read plan A, no LBs and read about the FOG. He is in it.

PS-One of our residents almost got fired for having sex in the on call room-very against the rules. You need an ali in the hospital who knows what's going on-maybe a female resident?

Thanks for your reply New Jersey. H was so mad at me because I went to my doc for a complete exam for STDs, he kept telling me they used protection, no way I was taking any chances though. Thankfully, no "presents" from OW. All he was worried about was what my doc thought of him, she's a preceptor in the residency program. However, it's a small town we're in and how humiliating to check in for STD tests at the blood lab with a 4 month old baby in your arms. Apparently we are the talk of the hospital, even though he's in such a fog he thinks nobody knows and tried to accuse me of spreading it around. I'm just sick of him defending her and feeling sorry for himself, because he is,in his own words, a miserable piece of s---.

It's so sad, but a lot of men cheat when their wives are pregnant. I'm sure she was not surprised. How typical that he was thinking of himself. I didn't know what was going on because I'd never had any type of infection. I didn't understand why it was happening then. Mine used protection too, but there is still some contact. So sad. I think you are smart to check. Have you heard the line, she's not like that? Well ouyr OW slept with others and he didn't know about it, go figure.

We are so lucky to be OK. Hang in there, honestly, we are so much better now, different, but better. Hugs-Jersey Girl

I have to add, that we too were the talk. This happens a lot in medical families. Trust me, it is just the talk of the week. When he wakes up, he will be so humiliated.

You are probably wondering why this happened. I've been reading this stuff for ovewr 2 years. When men have to grow up ie work, family, they escape into a fantasy (OW). Then reality hit. Less than 3% of these relationships make it. Should fade. Be patient. You'll get that pre prego figure back in no time. Time to fight fire with fire-you go girl!!! This is just the pits for you, but it will pass. I've followed the infidelity sites, reality is crashing in on him. You be the perfect wife and mother. Take care of yourself. See a lawyer to know your rights. If he won't stop seeing her, consider plan B.

Yep, reality is going to crush in on the man...he has no idea what is about to hit. Mine is great today, couldn't believe what he had done to all of us. Now that you know, you have the power.

It will get better.

new jersey,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Posted by new jersey:
"I've followed the infidelity sites"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you mind if I ask you where those sites are? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

cocoa101

There are soooo many I'm afraid. Surviving Infidelity (SI.com), facereality.com and there is even the other woman board don't go there unless you are already way into recovery and please don't start a board war, they need their place too). There are several religious marriage sites. The Catholic one is pretty good (if you are Catholic). Then there is scarleta-that one is also a little rough.

Just do a google search and they will all come up.

Last night he left the house to go see OW's daughter, who I think is around 4-5 yrs old. He's so concerned about her emotions, what about our five kids, who know something is wrong? It's pretty sad when your 21/2 son tells you are pretty mommma and asks if the doctor can fix your head. I try not to cry in front of them, but the puffy eyes are a dead giveaway. H makes it a point to leave the house and tell the kids he loves them and ignore me sitting there with them. And he still thinks they know nothing.

I'm glad to hear you guys are better, I wondered, but was afraid to ask. I keep reading stuff that says "your marriage will thrive", but I'm so sick to my stomach that it's hard to believe.

As for the pre-prego figure, it's back with a vengeance. My clothes are falling off, people who see me with the kids keep asking how do you do it. I just tell them it's the resident's wife diet, if it doesn't kill you , you'll look darn good. I'm trying not to announce to the world about the A, but I'm sick of playing the happy family, my priest says I have nothing to be ashamed of and should not have to be embarassed. He has been an immense help.

Lastly, H has his wedding ring off, the only time he ever took it off before was to workout because of calluses. I didn't even acknowledge it. My therapist said to not confront him on anything, if possible, until our first MC on Tuesday.

Thanks for your time.

Again, read Plan A. Read about the love busters too.

He's all stressed out from residency, here comes little miss doctor your the best thing since sliced bread. He goes for it. Now when he comes home to you, as sick as it makes you, stand tall and be the sweetest girl you always were. I know that is tough, but think of the real him as being ill and you need to take care of him.

Also, please see a lawyer to know your rights, see a PI and get pictures. You need proof if this goes to court. It depends on your state, but in some adultery is a crime.

He is deep in fog, infatuation-mine was too, I thought it was the end. He thinks she is perfect. (Trust me, she is not).

It makes me soooo mad, this was me 2 years ago.

He'll come around, they all do, but he may contiue to see her for a while. Be patient, work on yourself. Nothing is more apealing than a strong woman.

You have 5 kids? Wow, are you Catholic too? I hope he is because Catholic guilt is great for marriage-LOL

Listen, seriously, it will be OK either way. I'm pretty sure he'll come around. Read Dr Harleys books-a must.

Remember, you are not alone...read, read, read

Yep, we're Catholic. H's family had 13 kids. his parents were instrumental in shutting down the abortion clinic in our town. His dad stands every Wednesday by Rax with a Stop Abortion Now sign. Dr. Harley's books are awesome. I'm reading S the A now. My priest keeps telling me to keep my head up. Going to try tohave a good weekend coaching soccer. Take Care

Any other suggested reading materials?

- His Needs/Her Needs by Harley is a must.
- Love is a Decision by Gary Smalley
- Divorce Busting by Michelle Werner-Davis

P --
After you've finished your reading, please make a plan.

And one of your first steps should be exposing the affair to the light of day. And judging from the character of his parents -- I would start with them. You need to blow his fantasy world apart. He needs to feel the pressure surround him.

Do not protect him!!!

And don't even consider whether or not this is a LB. This is a crucial step.

Good luck!

I agree, the fantasy world needs to be exposed. Once it is out there is no going back. Our whole family knows.

He'll try and say things like Catholics get divorced, etc, but deep down he knows that he can't live with that. If he was raised that way, he won't. Truth is, you will both be different in the end, but happy.

Today my H did some small things around the house, I'm blown away. It is what I've always dreamed of, any by following the Harley plan, we are here. Hard to believe. Seriously, I was you 2 years ago, just ask Nursebetty, she remembers. You can recover, and with your faith background, it will be easier since we don't divorce. Has the OW been exposed? Is she divorced, married or just had a child and looking for a replacement pop? If she is divorced, maybe her X should know that this sort of thing is going on around his daughter-OK, that would be a big LB, but it really gets me mad. What is she teaching her daughter-go out and steal. UGH-got to go-crying kids!! Hope you have a great day!!

Could you tell the Catholic site? I couldn't find one. Also is it a LB to keep telling him I love him, like when he's going to work or ending a phone conversation? I know he won't reply to me and I can deal with that, but I don't wan tto hide my feelings.

Also, the kids are starting to become tense adn upset, but they don't know why. Should we "act" affectionate around them or is that more damaging.

And from the post from Lexxy is it a LB to tell his parents? I could use their support, everyone else in the family knows. His poor mom thinks I'm terminally ill from the amount of weight I've dropped.

I can't remember the name, begins with an R, but is info on their weekend retreats.

Yes, it may be a little LB, but you can tell him that the kids are noticing that things have changed. I told mine that I was sick and was going to be OK. I think that I would just say-H, I need to let the family know because the children need support right now and so do I. He has the OW to talk to, who do you have to talk to? Anyway, if he is hellbent on leaving, why won't he tell them? Again, burst his bubble and do it today!!! My parents and in laws know. Were Catholic, we believe in forgiveness, the truth will set you free!! If I were you I would tell. Reality needs to happen. Any other opinions??

Hi Ladies- if you look up Marriage Encounters you will find the Catholic site you seek- I am not Catholic but everyone else in my life is! Keep praying- that is a sure fire guaranteed life net. I would caution you to tread carefully where/if telling your family-parents especially- about the A. The generation gap is not so forgiving and you can't take it back once its out. I have told my close everyday friends and sisters- NO PARENTS. they can see/feel that things are out of whack and I just let them think I am a weirdo- the truth would paralyze them. I have been thru this twice in 24 years-the fog of A land. On the other hand....I have absolutely no problem confronting/telling the OP's spouse or talking to the OP or spouses boss-whatever has to be done. I am not saying its easy but its right and self preservation is a must. level the playing field-set some boundaries. What you tell or not to children is like everything else you tell them or not- age appropriate. Our kids are grown-they were here for dday-tough rough fast lessons but they follow my lead-learning to forgive etc...They were not grown during the 1st A yearssss ago but now they know about that too. Keep reading- keep asking-keep talking and keep praying. The Power of a Praying Wife is an excellent book. also "How to get him back from the OW, if you still want him" is a basic guide to what you learn here but written by women. Nurses on the prowl; I can relate to that first hand...God save them. Being the best you,that you can muster up! sticking to your boundaries, patience, daily prayer, forgiveness and TIME will heal you and God willing, your M too.

PEACE OUT

pdfbs...how are you doing today. Hope things went well this weekend. Don't be surprized if he moves out for a while. Some of them do. I hope he doesn't though.

I will say a prayer that he come to his senses. pd-recovery can be the best, but it is a long road. You will need time to date each other again. I really think he will come around. I think that if the A was at the H it should be exposed to her nursing supervisor, but being married to your spouce, you don't want his career to go down the tubes. Actually at our hospital, the nurse was fired and they kept the resident when this happened to another couple (I am afraid this is really common). They were having sex in the on call room, big no no.

Anyway, hope you are OK today. Remember, this is going to take some time. Hugs

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Prayer has definantly kept me going. OW is divorced, her ex tried to cut her head off and is in prison, but soon to be out. I am very fearful for the safety of my family, especially when and if he finds out about OW and my H. Ow's ex is obviously a very violent person.

I'm still torn on telling the in-laws, I told H I wanted them to know, because I think they think I'm a weirdo, the way I react to certain conversations. Anyhow, H and I had a very good talk on Sat. He says he doesn't love me anymore, but doesn't know why. I know why it's the Fog. I had to keep repeating to myself no LBs all weekend, but I did it. I did have to run to the gym and work out like a possessed woman, just to avoid a LB, but I did it.

For the Catholic readers, you'll appreciate this. Of course, I've been praying novenas to St. Therese and Saturday I look out the window and my pathetically neglected flower garden has a single pink blooming rose. It made me feel good. Then Sun I was looking for some paperwork and came across a picture of my H in The Catholic Spirit about residency and on the back is an article on Forgiveness. How ironic is that. I even should it to him and got that big beautiful smile I love.

Gotta get working. Hugs to all.