Trip was good, once I got into not having to do anything! Suncreen, who needs stinking sunscreen. Just the pasty white girl from the North, got a little burnt in some really white areas, but got lots of sleep. Baby and I had great time at beach and flying.

Back home and everyone survived and we're really glad to see me,including H. Who is moving back in tonight! I guess I'll just keep doing what I've been doing, we're still in MC too.

Kind of scared but will roll with it and see what happens. H didn't declare his undying love for me, but we'll have to see what happens in the months to come. I am dreading our anniversary in two months. Do I even acknowledge it or just see what he does? Any advice anyone?

Hugs thanks for the prayers!

When he moves back in, he is going to require a lot of attention-subtle attention as in Plan A.

He would love to prove that the marriage is not good right now, so see that's why I cheated.

You need to carry the weight for a while. This will change in a while. Once things calm down don't be surprised if you feel really angry about what he did. Don't react to this, think of him as being ill for a while.

I did not bring up the affair, I knew it happened, but did not make him relive it. I deceided to take him back and forgive him, that meant letting go of it. This is REALLY hard, come vent here, but you can't throw it back at them whenever things go wrong as hurt as we BSs are. The best revenge is living well.

The 1st aniv. after d-day was tough, I didn't feel much like celebrating, but actually you should. You are celebrating your new marriage and relationship. I kept it very low key, looked for a card for days that said it right. One day at a time. The aniv. dates are tough the first year, start to fade the second. The third year is great, almost like it never happened-almost. You'll forgive, but you won't forget.

Many BS think of leaving after the 2nd year. You get thru everything and then start thinking about what ifs. I'm staying because we have enough love and he has not strayed. I think it gets better as time goes on.

Your H was just wacky for a while. He will respect your strengh and the fact that you put up with him. His love for you will grow. In the long run, it is great to have your family. Everyone makes mistakes, just love him on your aniversary, that's the best gift.

Glad you had a great trip! Sometimes a little time away does these guys a lot of good. Hugs-Jersey Girl

Just my 2 cents

Jersey Girl
Your 2 cents are worth a fortune! I have been feeling really angry lately and want to vent on him. I won't, can't give him a reason to run the other way.

We're both working hard on the MC and we both see a difference. Sometimes it's hard to look him straight in the eyes though without wanting to cry or scream.

Our oldest just keeps saying he's crazy, I think she knows more of what went on, most likely from school-since we're a hot topic. She's been very angry towards her siblings. I think I'll let her stay at Grandma's this weekend for some away time from the little ones who are driving her buggy with their demands to play.

Have a great weekend, the weather is beautiful here for once. HUGS HUGS HUGS

I kept a very private journal, which I later burned. I wrote all my anger down and what I wanted in life. It helped a great deal.

This is the point in healing when you will be carrying the majority of the load. You need to be the strong one, your hard work will pay off later. While your H loves you and will meet some needs, he will still be distant as he processes what he has done. He needs to sit alone at times to figure this out. He needs to come to terms with the fact that he has been acting like a selfish jerk. Very hard. Then they have to get over the addiction to the OW-those chemicals-puke! This will happen and as it does he will start to be the man you married. You just keep meeting those needs, there will be time for you later, it will happen. It took my H a year to start returning the love with extras. Now he is a different man, I finally understand him better and can meet all his needs and he is meeting mine too. Keep thinking of him as a sick person who lost his way. The end result is worth the sacrifice. You'll see. When he thinks clearly, he will hate the OW, hate what he did and hate a part of himself. He needs you to love him, because he is going to do the self hate thing all by himself over time. This is an excellent time for you to score love units in his bank. Be patient. I know the anger phase is tough. Vent in a journal, vent here, but try not to love bust. It is OK to talk about needs, but vent the anger here or in a journal first. I always sit on it for 24 hrs now.

Why are you doing this? Because you love him, because you want to grow old together and have a better, mature relationship than you had before. Because true love forgives and none of us is without sin. You are doing this for your children so that they can have a stable home. You are doing this because you are married and he isn't a boyfriend, he is your husband. What God has joined together...you know what I mean.

This is real life, you are a grown up, he was acting like a child because he didn't think he could handle the role of father and provider. He took a quick escape. It happens to the best of them. HUGGGGGS TOO!!

Thanks for the info. I have been journaling and sometimes I just destroy it as soon as I'm done writing. It feels better that way.

The pirate costume was very EFFECTIVE!

Does the WH ever says he loves you again? I miss hearing it. It hurts when he tells the kids he loves them and I'm not included. THey have noticed this and have said things to me about it, is that something I should discuss with him? I'm not trying to coerce him expressing love verbally to me, but I don't want the kids anymore stressed than they already are.

Any ideas on how to make time for each other and cheap dates? By the time we pay for a sitter, there's little dough left for a date.

Thanks and Hugs you're an angel.

Does the WH ever says he loves you again? I miss hearing it. It hurts when he tells the kids he loves them and I'm not included.

I know exactly how you feel. Yes they do tell you they love you again. When and how are up to the WH unfortunately. To get through it, I pretended that it did include me when he said it to the kids. Of course the children will pick up on it. They don't miss a thing. You can tell them that there are many ways to say it. He doesn't say it out loud but says it in other ways.

As far as cheap dates are concerned, this is what we do since most people are scared off of babysitting our 4 children. We meet for lunch during the day. It may be picking up take out and having a walk and a picnic in a park (weather permitting).

On Saturday, our babysitter bailed out on us at the last minute. So instead we had a candlelight picnic on the living room floor, dressed up anyway, played jazz on the stereo and danced (without any booing from the peanut gallery). Then we talked until 3am.

We also find that waking up at 5am each morning and spending quite time together really helps. It gives us one on one time to do whatever together without any disruptions for a good 1-1/2 hours each day no matter what happens the rest of the day.

At the end of the day, we like to cuddle up and read inspirational books or the newspaper to each other.

Have you seen Wayne's World with Mike Myers? He's from where I live. There's a scene where he and Garth are lying on the hood of his car watching the airplanes land and take off overhead by the airport. On a clear night you can see the stars too.

If you would like any other suggestions, please let me know.

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: SAB ]</small>

Just keep doing what you are doing. The words will come soon enough. He is still going thru the withdrawl from the chemicals and will be back shortly. Just keep going. He will have to deal with the kids later and believe it or not this can be a great learning experience for them.

Cheap dates, I hear you, after the babysitter nothing is left.

If you are athletic, you can bike ride, walk, hike. Cheap dinner out.

How about trading babysitting with another couple. Like a babysitting co-op. When another couple is on call, the spouce may be willing. My girlfriend sometimes would do it.

You can take the kids to Chuck e cheese and let them run while you talk. Not ideal, but they love it.

Hugs-We love you! Mine didn't say it at first either. It will come, your H is right on target in his recovery. He'd be really jealous if he thought someone else was interested in you-trust me there, but you don't really want to get into that because it could backfire. Independence is attractive, get out that LSAT book. Hugs-Jersey Girl

Thanks for the ideas! I am going to try and do the babysitting co-op with another mom at school.

I've been thinking of cheap dates or things we can do without leaving the house and was going to have H do the same and then compare lists and pick something.

Thanks for being so supportive, I really am lucky to have found this site and get the great advice from all of you. I know I'll survive this mess now, even though some days I really want to explode.

Any good flicks to rent that don't involve infidelity? Once you've gone through this you really realize what kind of trash is out there. I'm hardly a prude, but for awhile I couldn't watch hardly anything that didn't have either infidelity or the two girls together angle to it. What's up with that anyway?

HUGS and Cheers to you, I feel like I have a fan club.

My goal is to make what happened to me a positive experience by helping someone else. You do have a fan club.

I'm not much for movies with a toddler. I can't wait for the Matrix movie though. Oh yea, love those wiggles. Hugs

I see you haven't been around...GOOD! I'll bet the two of you haven't been out of the sack since he came home. Recovery sex is the BEST! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hope you don't mind me saying! The post affair passion is the best. You can really reconnect, so go ahead and enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The sex is great, just not enough, got to be creative with 5 kids around. My biggest issue now is the trust part, everytime he's gone off to the "gym" or "a meeting", I worry.

Did you ever run into the OW? Our town is fairly small and since she lives near us and works at the same place as H I know I'll run into her eventually.

HUGS off to MC tonight, first one since he's been back, should be interesting.

Horrible phone call from H. Mad and blaming me for 5 kids and financial woes. Last two were my fault entirely.

I hate revisionist history.

H mad also because his family knows of our financial probs. For the first time he is having to deal with this mess. I'm afraid he's going to escape to OW.

I'm trying to be supportive, but I'm mad and tired of holding everything together. I told him I turned to his family, mine unable to help, because I had kids to care for and he said cruelly "yeah and we kept having more". Anyhow, I'm venting here trying to prevent my screaming at him, because I want to drive to his stupid office and throw the pile of bills at him. He seems to forget that he's the one that said to me a few years back, I don't care who you ask, I'm not asking anyone for anything, we literally were on the verge of having van repo'd and utilities turned off.

Once again it's my fault and I'm the bad guy. I'm tired of this, I know financial probs are probably the number one LB, but bills have to be paid and it doesn't help that H will spend $14 on lunch and say things like "well it has to be paid" and leave it up to me to pull a rabbit out of the hat.

I'm done now, must get to work or get canned.

HUGS, SMILE, HUGS, SMILE, (it's the only way to keep from crying, or grinding my teeth which is what I do when stressed.)

PDF---Been there, done that, got 12 t-shirts...It was absolutely horrendous to hear UH defending that....woman...while seemingly not caring about my feelings. If you want to keep your M together and work on it, whatever you do, and I know it's excruciatingly difficult, DO NOT badmouth the OW, or overtly take pleasure in her "heartache"....it will backfire on you, as he will defend her and see you as just outright nasty, talking badly about someone he "cares for"...it will result in the "knight in shining armor" syndrome. Try to avoid mentioning her, but if you must, always use her name, no slang or derrogatory names...

He is in a fog, and believe me, that's gut-wrenching to endure....but if you can get through to see the fog clear, you may just find that it was worth it in the end because you'll still have your husband and you may just be closer and stronger than ever.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, and I'm here to tell you that while it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever endured, the end result is great--UH and I have started going back to church, he's left the co. where he and xOW worked together, and we're closer and stronger than ever. He also took his ring off, and kept it off for 6.5 mos. It was horrendous, but we made it. Good luck!

OHHHH Huggggs!

I've seen her, but she hasen't seen me that I know of except when she was chasing after H one day not knowing I was in the car. Stinks. I was sick for the next week. Just her picture makes me want to puke.

He is just freaking out. Let him vent, you vent here. This is actually a good sign that he is coming back to reality. The fog is starting to lift and yes it was easier to hide in the affair, but he can't now-POOF reality.

His world is coming down around him. You need to be the strongest right now. Be strong and let him vent. Believe it or not, the anger is really anger at himself. He is lashing out to the one he really loves and knows will support him. He is trying to show you his worst side now, because if you bolt out of there it just proves that he was right. The last thing you want is to give him an excuse to run to the OW.

Say things like we will make it, it will be alright. One day at a time. He is still a little immature (aren't they all) and is freaking out at the responsibility. It is time for him to grow up, but he is currently more like a mental patient and you need to treat him that way until he gets back to reality.

I also say to you, you are doing the right thing, he is going thru withdrawl. He is expressing his feelings the only way men are allowed to by society, thru anger.

Be strong-you can do it-even if you do it just for the kids. Hugs-we are all here for you.

Isn't it funny how when you are struggling with something you come to the boards and usually one of the first threads you pick has just what you are looking for. I just wish I'd found this one yesterday lol as I ran into this situation last night.

I am so angry and resentful of WS actions but even more angrier to OW who betrayed my friendship and used it to get my H. WS realizes through much searching that this is were he needs to be but still see's OW as the greatest person who will someday make a great wife because she knows how to treat a man. Having been this OW best friend for the last 20 years, I can't keep my mouth shut on his lack of seeing the whole picture. after reading this thread I guess I'm going to have to find a way.

As my 5 yr old will say "blah-blah-blah" about OW. What do I do when I want to rant and rave besides type?

Go to the gym and sweat.
Hit wiffleballs with my softball bat in the garage.
Clean up some mess in the house that H always hated and rearrange the furniture. I'm painting the kitchen.
Basically, as much as we want to verbally abuse OW and her traits we will get no where (took me a while to realize this) so I try to be constructive with my need to express and vent my anger. I'm athletic, so I like to sweat. Plus there's that satisfaction that I'm the size I was in college when we met. So Ha, take that you ...

HUGS to you.
Lastly, we have a tunnel in our town, and I will drive through and scream my head off, maybe it's childish, but it's fun in a weird sort of way.

One thing that I found that worked for me, was I always (no matter how depressed I was) was dressed nicely, with hair, makeup, and nails ALWAYS done....didn't matter if I was just going to the store for a soda, or going to the office to drop something off to UH, or pick him up for the day...I wanted everyone he worked with (including OW) to see me looking my best even if I didn't feel as good on the inside...

Because of the stress, I couldn't eat, and within 6 weeks, I'd lost 30+ lbs. It was GREAT!! So, with or without UH, I was determined to feel good about myself because *I* didn't create this mess--HE DID--and in the process of boosting my ego back up, I was making d*amn sure he was noticing! LOL It was great whenever people would ask me (with him nearby) if I'd lost weight, or would make comments about how great I looked...Plus, I think it kind of scared him because I was getting "ME" back...for too long, I'd go out without makeup on, wearing sweats, etc., and I shocked/scared the shyat out of him because I was taking care of ME...........

Wouldnt you know? Everything I did, including NOT badmouthing that tramp (GOD WAS THAT HARD!!!), worked....took a little while, but here I am! Granted, I did slip a few times and would slip in a verbal slam about the trollup every once in awhile, and I paid for it...seemed like for every step we took forward, we'd take 2 backward each time I'd do that....take it from me...DON'T talk about her....if you HAVE to, use her name, not negative remarks...if he's like my H, he won't notice, but yet he will in his own way.... Good luck!!!

You can't be perfect, so don't worry if you mess up a little.

I too took great pains to look my best no mattter where I went. The best is when other men notice in front of yur husband. I had not returned to my pre preg, weight until I learned of the A. I lost it real quick too. I had just started a diet two weeks before I found out. I had lost 5 lbs, but dropped 30 quickly like you.

Painful. But again, the best revenge is living well. I'll never let my looks go again. I am also thinking of returning to work as I had just deceided to stay home with my kids for a while-yea, wanted to help the home life-I knew something was up, but never figured an affair, well I did, but just days before I found out. I had given up my career for the family-I think this may have been a mistake-I feel very dependent now and want my life back. Maybe it would be better for my marriage to stay home, but I need some of my control back and feel that way I would be safer in case he did it again. I don't know, ask me again tomorrow-

Any waay...there are ups and downs..........lots of them. But, staying together is priceless. Hugs-Jersey Girl

Last night at counseling we discussed our financial woes and I talked about how I can go to 40hrs, but he has to pick up some slack. Also, voiced my fears of him wanting to leave area for a practice and I would have to give up my security at my job, which is awesome. I think that's part of the reason, I'm surviving is that I know I can be independent of him financially, though not as well off.

Definitely, never leave house looking like a hausfrau anymore. He notices too.

H won't read HNHN, brought up in MC and he said just because I got something out of some book, that doesn't mean he would. I told him he didn't even both to look at it and he didn't give a damn, he said that's not true.

Heck of a way to lose the weight girls, but we survived. I gave away all of my big clothes too.

Lastly, H says he hasn't noticed the same anxiety in the kids that I have. Made me feel like I was overreacting to them. MC even said they probably weren't comfortable with H to discuss their fears.

I don't feel happy today at all.

HUGS and have a good weekend

Yes, it is great whenever another man comments on your appearance in front of UH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's interesting...a bit uncomfy, but interesting. UH has a weekly meeting and has met a married guy in there who is alot like "my type".. dark hair, tanned, just very good-looking. Well, he's made some strange comments to me in the past month--oftentimes, with UH standing right there! I've asked UH why he's doing this because it's just strange...he's also wondered, but chalks it up to our friend just feeling comfortable around us to make playful comments. You can tell it's kind of bothering him....made him much more attentive one night because the comments had really gotten a bit... risque (sp?). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I love this....I can get my revenge, and I'm not doing a thing to promote it! LOL