Girls-this feels just like deja vu!


As far as men looking, they know who has been unfaithful and are hoping to get some on the side. I had more of his co workers hit on me. It's funny they think you are going to go for it because your H was screwing around. Not everyone wants to get even. The weight loss helps a lot. My self esteem has suffered a great deal.

P-my H never read the books, didn't even go to MC. I did this on my own so I am very worried about the longterm recovery. He has participated and is a smart man who knows what the right thing to do is, but I worry because I know recovery would be better with MC to get to the root of the problem. I am a trained prof., but you know the saying..the Dr who has himself as a patient has a fool of a doc and a fool of a pt.

I am still one day at a time over 2 yrs out. It will get better. P-I wouldn't want to move either. Had I known about the A before I gave up my career, I would never have left.

Hi. H acting "normal" and was flirting with me this morning and now kisses me good-bye everytime he sees me, no verbal expressions of love.

I have to go to his office today with the kids so I can do the teacher conference thing, should be interesting. OW doesn't work in that section so won't see her, plus she works nights anyway. Of course, everyone there knows about it, so I did my hair this morning extra nice BUT it's raining, so it'll be all frizzy.

I'm blithering, so what do you talk about when you're along with H, we are going out Friday, girls are sleeping over at Grandma's. I dread the silence and I think we need to discuss something besides the kids! I thought about getting something "fun" for afterwards, is that a bad idea?

Great idea. The more time you spend together, the more you have to talk about. Does he have any interests? Other than work and kids.

Sailing? Biking/hiking/motorcycle/cars? Music? Theater? Sports?

If he likes sports, for example, find out about some local events and start planning a tailgate or to have friends over for the game...you could make cocktail hotdogs....

Men like to have a playmate, so plan a playdate while on this date.

Yes, get something hot for after the date....maybe something edible too or a new sex toy? (mypleasure.com)

I learned a lot after his A-HUGS-Jersey Girl

You are doing great! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

One more thing...found this on toomuchcoffee's post..it's great


Have you tried some of the things in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list? If you haven't then you may want to consider following them. Here they are:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

The man has been thru it too, and I do love a man's opinion since he thinks like a man and we are married to men.

WOW! What a website. I'm so ignorant of "toys" must educate myself!! Taking the herd for flu shots. Gotta run!

HUGS!

Hope you are doing well. My guess is that it is starting to get better, even though there are ups and downs-JG

It is getting better. Got into some issues from the past, his feelings that I thought he was unattractive, etc and that sex was a chore (Not!) Why do they always have these feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem? Not that I didn't feel unattractive, especially when I was overweight and we never did anything before we had kids. H always found reasons to turn down invites to go out with other couples or miss weddings, parties, etc. I always felt that it was because I was heavy or too stupid for his brainiac co-workers.

Our communication skills apparently just suck. At least we're working at it. We're supposed to talk again tonight.

H's birthday on Friday, any thoughts for a "surprise" that doesn't make him feel pressured to say he loves me. The kids have all bought him something, I was just going to leave my name off the card and gifts. Is that right?

Please any advice, Thanks HUGS to all.

That is OK, but you don't want to be associated with the kids. He needs to know you got him something too, imho.

Boys like toys....video, dvd, game, football, golfclub, computor game. Maybe a book...even a medical one. Has he read the house of God? REQUIRED RESIDENT READING...really funny for docs. Concert/game tickets for both of you.

Men are so different. Maybe make his favorite meal? RE men are from mars...he is in his cave, best to leave him alone. Give up talking about the affair for lent, I did and it made all the difference.

We don't even discuss the A,, I especially never bring OW up, because he'll still defend her. I can tell he is still in the withdrawal because he will mope and when he talks about jobsearches he gets weird. I feel he doesn't want to plan his job with me at all, but I'm certainly not pulling up and moving and ditching my career without some serious conversations. Sometimes I hope he wants to move to avoid OW, but then i think no he wants to move so he can ditch me and take OW with him. Obviously thinking too much, so I try to stop and move on.

I did have a book bought some months ago, I know he wanted, so I'll go ahead and give it to him from me. I usually sign all his books, but don't want to on this one because I usually signed them with his nickname for me. So just leave it blank?

I did buy an issue of Cosmo for some "education"!

HUGS, dr appt for #3

Yes, I would sign it the same way even if you are just going thru the motions. Is he in no contact now? If not, you may want to consider how to do that. Could you find another job somewhere else? I know that would be hard, but if you still had a secure job, a move might put her away forever, I do warn you, ours moved with us. So maybe it would be good to stay put for a while. No right answer. Keep up the plan A. Distance yourself by working on you. Be independent, it is helpful if they chase a little. Day by day he'll come around. Hugs-JG

I'm going to vent so be ready.
UGHHHH!! Withdrawal symptoms bad. H didn't go to work yesterday afternoon, but stayed home and slept (alone) Neighbor saw him. I'm fairly certain he's still in contact with OW, His cell indicated call from her brother's cell, which could very well be her. My H's cell comes up with my name because I'm the one who got them. Anyhow, he never returned to work after that call. At least he was at home, but I'm sick of this. I know patience, patience.

I keep trying to ignore the pouting,but it's relaly irritating me this week. I'm swamped at work and with kid stuff and I'm really freakin' tired. He's doing stuff, but acts like woe is me.

I'm done. I know the drill, keep working on me, vent on here. But this sucks, and I want to be jolly and get ready for Christmas without Mr. Gloom-n-Doom casting his pall over me. I wish he'd just snap out of it, but I'm sure all of us BS want that.

HUGS and march on.

Yes, it goes back and forth for a while. She may be badgering him too. Just let it go. Let reality crash in on them while you are the angel. I know this isn't fair, but you'll get the love and mostly the respect that you stuck it out in the end. I can't believe how much my H is the man I married again. Patience-Hugs-Jersey Girl

Hope your Turkey Day was good. Sick kids, all doing better now. Quiet, relaxed break, H very helpful at home, decorated, did some Christmas shopping, talked. Touched on the future, like his job, a new dog. No discussion about where we are, unless you count all the sex. Lots of physical affection or is that just him meeting my needs to keep me from going elsewhere?

We had one incident. H telling me about female friend who got a 19K tennis bracelet for an early Christmas gift from her H. I got upset, the last thing I wanted to hear about was a romantic, albeit gaudy, gift an H gave his W given our current state. I told H that and he apologized and didn't realize it would upset me and I said he was insensitive. H said he told me just because he knew I'd think it was obnoxious and then he says I'll never be able to buy you that kind of stuff. I told him I've never been interested in that kind of stuff. I told him I'm tired of hearing about this couple and their extravagant lifestyle, I don't know why he keeps bringing it up.

I'm just afraid to feel positive about us just to be crushed later on.

He may be trying to think of something special for Christmas for you and was watching your reaction.

Don't worry about the other couple, I know how you feel. You see this wonderful romance and say what about me. It will happen. He is getting better from what you have written.

Anyway, about the other couple, you NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors. Infidelity is so frequent, you never know what has happened in their past. If anyone saw my H and I they would never guess, we look (are)so in love. We have the storybook life, but only a few know. That is what I was thinking of the other day, we look so perfect, yet our lives were shattered for several years. Now in recovery I can only hope that he loves me enough to be dedicated. I know it hurts, but you really don't know what is going on there or what has happened. Sometimes the happiest couples are those who have survived and grown.

I went south for turkey, it was great! Hope the kids get better-Jersey Girl

PS-Guys need help, tell him what you'd like for Christmas or to help you get over this, renewed vows? New ring? Weekend alone...heck even a night alone from the kids! Hugs

Hope all is well. Busy here-hugs

Thought everything going well until Friday, when he turned into a troll. He was mad because I was upset that he wanted to go fishing (never mind the storm warning and the freezing weather) while I took the dog to the vet and drove the van, with the slipping transmission, an hour to my brother's shop for repair. He finally kept the 3yr old adn I took the rest with me, which one hurled in the van. Happy Happy Joy Joy. He was mad because I said he was selfish, he had a crappy day at work on Friday, so he comes home at ten pm after going to the gym and getting a coffee and just driving around. as if I'm not tired after working 40hrs and hauling five kids around. Definitely failed to meet some emotional needs there. To top it off my girlfriend's sis (36 yo-3 kids) who's been battling breast cancer has just metsed (sp?) to the brain, so that was another cry fest, when I told him he just kept watching his movie and never moved. I told him how it sucked and she's my age, he just says "I know" I could have used a hug, felt like I was with a neanderthal all weekend.

Then had to go to his work party Sunday evening, which was a family event where his residency director and his snottyass wife completely ignored me at the table full of people, big deal I've been slighted before, but it just added to the crap I've had to put up with all weekend. Then he was mean to the kids and I told him he could just leave if he was going to treat them that way, they haven't done anything.

All he said was you'd like that wouldn't you and I told him he's the one that acts like he wants to go and not have any responsibilities. I know it's the holidays and it's stressful, but he's not the only one under pressure. He needs to step up to bat once in a while and take a load off me. He did absolutely nothing on Saturday at home all day. I mean zero. Didn't even open the drapes in the LR. Didn't shovel snow either, so I had to do it so the mailman cold get down the sidewalk without falling.

I'm done *****ing, I'm tired to being nice and supportive and not getting it in return. This sucks. Sorry so long, I hadn't posted in awhile because things were improving. I know ups and downs.
HUGS to you gotta get back to work.

He's being selfish, and yes, having an affair is selfish. It isn't right, but he is withdrawling and trying to get thru the addiction-yuck. He's wrong, but it will take time to get thru this. Keep being the star, as his love grows again he will start to help more. (No enough mind you-he's a guy and I'm sure his mother spoiled him too like my MIL-love her though). Thinking of you-normal phase, keep doing what you were doing-it will improve-got to run

Have another second here. Keep building his love bank, right now he is isolated from you and the family, but in our case, as I kept meeting needs his love grew, and now he is helping around the house. He is doing more than he has ever done. I think you are in a very difficult stage, but it will pass and you will be happy when he starts meeting your needs again. I know it is tough. Been there. Some women give up at this point. Don't. It will be worth it when the change happens. Took almost a year!! He'll get it. He is mad at himself and blaming the world. Hugs-Have a nice Christmas.

Thanks for the pick me up. Very rough night last night. I told him he was acting rude and inconsiderate. I had taken the kiddies to my folks for a sleepover with their cousins and the 3 yr old stayed, unknown to H. When H got home he didn't he even come upstairs, where I was wrapping, to say hey I'm home, I hate you or any other fun thing (Sarcasm!) He immediately got on the phone to one of his friend/patients, who did need medical attention, however, it would have taken a minute to check in with us. I told him it makes me feel like sh** and asked himi how he would feel if I did that to him. This is nothing new either.

I'm stressed I know, will be happy if it kills me. must finish the shopping tonight with h, hopefully it will be jolly. I'm just tired of the pouting look on his face all of the time. it's very draining.

hugs and Merry Merry Christmas hope you and your family have an awesome holiday. you give me hope for the new year jersey girl. Peace and Love.

Have been very busy with the kids. Hang in there. He is in the oh woe is me stage. He is withdrawling and feels that no one is worried about him. It is the selfish stage. This will pass. Honestly, recovery is hard, the end result is so worth it. To have the man you first married back is great. I want to tell you mine has been a wonderful guy for over a year now. It will be good again if you can stand it for the next few months. On top of that, the pressure of being a resident with wife and family is tremendous. No excuse, but it is a horrible time. Hang in there, you will be rewarded in the end. Sometimes I look back and can't believe it ever happened. It really does fade after the second year. I never thought that would happen. I even have a hard time coming here to MB now, but I want to give back what I have learned. Don't be depressed, I hate holidays too, but it's over now. It is going to be great. You won't ever be the same, but it will be a new and good marriage, a real marriage that survives ups and downs, excuse the typos...kid on my lap playing with computer...Hugs-Jersey Girl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />