Hello ... I don't suppose I know why I feel it is necessary to qualify that this is the first time that I have ever sought advice from complete strangers, but it is. I have been married roughly four months and separated from my wife for approximately three weeks now.

I have several questions, but I suppose some background is in order. My wife is 22 and I am 25. I just graduated from law school and my wife just finished college. I am awaiting the bar exam results, which has been a HUGE stressor in my life, emotionally and even physically.

We have generally had a strong relationship and dated for a little over two years before we got married. The three months before the wedding were very difficult because we were both traveling for wedding things ... and because I was working 25 hours a week at the firm, was doing pro bono clinic work as well as a full school load. So ... there was a lot of stress there and irritability and impatience on my part. Then, I brilliantly assumed that the first three months of my marriage spent preparing for the worst exam (bar) in my life would be a good start. Not smart ... very poor timing.

Basically, in reading Dr. Harley's book, I have come to see so many mistakes that I was making. I was failing to put more into my marriage than I was taking out. I have instincts that are to "run" and be defensive ... and our communication had broken down so much that when my wife told me that she did not know if she wanted to be with me three weeks ago, I was angry, hurt, and so many other things. I lashed out with the one thing I was really afraid of the most and told her that I wanted a divorce. We went round and round and I stupidly said this more than once ... when all I really wanted was for her to just tell me that it was not what she wanted. Don't ask me to explain my foolish non-thinking in saying that. Note that I usually reached this point of frustration in threatening to leave was when she could not look at me and even tell me she wanted to be with me.

My belief at this point is that our communication was so broken that she felt like she could not come to me to tell me how things had been adding up on her both in the couple months before our wedding and during the past three months (I was bad about cutting her off and getting defensive because I felt I was being attacked) ... she therefore bottled things up and then when she really told me during a disagreement that she did not know if she wanted to be with me ... I blew up.

To complicate matters, her family has been VERY involved. In fact, her father owns the home that we have been renting and she has told me she does not want me to come home right now. This is very hard ... and I am not sure I will ever be comfortable in that "house" again. Of course, I feel like I have no control because she is dictating whether I can come home and still cannot tell me that she wants to work things out, only that she wants to "try." She says that she thinks we should remain separated while we try counseling. This seems counterintuitive to me ... how do we resolve our issues when we are apart?

There are some intimacy issues, I think largely because we never had time to form the right emotional bond thereby making her comfortable. I am learning that is the most important need for a woman. At the same time I am very concerned that I have married a woman that has little to no sex drive ... because I sensed this before we married despite what she was telling me. We never had sex before we got married, but had "fooled around." She tells me now that she does not like sex ... and that it may not be my fault or that it may be her own lack of knowledge of her own body, but either way that is a huge blow to me.

We have scheduled counseling that will begin in 12 days. I have begged her to understand where I was foolishly coming from and have made every effort to show her by my conduct that I am trying with all I have. At this point I am feeling NO return from her emotionally. She hardly speaks to me and when I try to get us to spend any time together it is an ordeal. I also get, "you are not respecting my needs," basically referring to just not wanting to be around me. I do not understand how she cannot see how sorry I am and all I am doing to try to fix my errors ... she is SO wrapped up in her own pain and view of reality that she cannot accept my mistakes and permit me a chance to show that I have changed. I have made the analogy of a heart attack to her ... I feel like while I have said I would do things differently in the past, I KNOW that I have to now or my marriage is going to die. Our marriage may have been dealt a fatal blow already.

I would like some advice on the separation issue -whether it is typically viewed as a positive or negative for two people who are BOTH really committed to working things out. In a lot of ways, I feel like this is her way of emotionally holding out and that she has really already made up her mind but is doing the "respectable" thing to ease her own guilt. She is a strong believer ... but very insecure and will often convince herself that something is or is not God's will if it suits her feelings for the moment. That is VERY frustrating to me.

How long should I wait? She will give no indication that she recognizes the efforts I have made (I am reading seven different books, have scheduled counseling and have practiced already what I have learned ... allowed her to just talk with my mouth SHUT, etc). I just do not know what else to do and feel like I am being emotionally hung out to dry. Any thoughts, I would love to hear from anyone. If you need additional information besides the biography I have already labored you with, please let me know.

Please pray for my marriage. Ryan

Ryan,

Welcome to MB. I know it's strange talking to a bunch of strangers about personal stuff!

Hopefully others will come along before too long and give you some good advice. JL in particular could be of great help.

My initial thoughts are that you need to take a deep breath and slow down on your expectations of your wife. Your marriage didn't get where it is overnight; and it won't be fixed overnight either.

Keep reading, work on your personal growth and SHOW her the "different you".

I'm glad you're both open to counseling - I'll pray you find a great counselor to guide you through this.

Have you read the Harley book "His Needs, Her Needs" yet? That and another great one of his is "Give & Take". These are great books that aren't necessarily affair focused; however HNHN talks about how to affair proof your marriage.

Also look on this site for the Emotional Needs questionnaire and Love Buster questionnaire.

Fill one out for you; then fill one out from what you think your wife's perspective is.

These will get you going in the right direction feeling as though you're accomplishing something without pressuring your wife.

Personally, I think you should be in the same house as your wife; but since you're already out I believe; don't pressure to go back in either.

Policy of Joint Agreement is what the topic of G & T. Read up on this website on this subject and start practicing it as best you can NOW!!

Others will come along to help! Blessings, CSue

All this after a few months. Why is it I think you should consider this marriage was a mistake. if you can not be sexualy close to your wife and she does not like sex well that adds up to "issus". Addtionaly you have been married only a few months and you are already out. You might want to see this as a "red Flag" and a "heads Up" as to where this relationship is going now and in the future.

Hi Ryan,

Sad to see you here, but you will recieve a lot of help and direction here. I see you have been reading, and learning already. That's good. And the fact that you are not giving up is great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think your problems basically began as studies became most important at beginning of marriage.
Not saying this is wrong, just kind of bad timing, but I feel W should have expected you to have more space during bar exam. The stress of it all may have got to you both, and you said things to each other that you probably didn't mean.

Now that exams are over, you both can give time and attention to your marriage. I pray she will forgive you, and "allow" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> you to come back home. Give it a little more time, she may just need a few counseling session before she gives in. The good thing is she wants counseling, and I hope you both have a counselor the is pro-marriage.

Your wife may not feel completely comfortable in the marriage bed yet, and that will take counseling, learning and practice also. Marraige takes schooling. It is not learned over night, and I hope she is aware of that.

May the Lord bring you together again, and remove all distractions that are trying to come against your marriage. May he give you both the wisdom and knowledge of what you both need to give to each other as a married couple.

Ladysheep

I don't post often, but I wanted to second what CSue said, and make a suggestion.

Since you seem to have trouble communicating effectively face to face, how about sending her a love letter? It sounds like you've been too busy to let her see that you care about her. Writing a letter gives you time to choose your words. And it has the potential to be more persistant than spoken words - she can read it over and over.