I have been married for five years. My husband is my best friend, but he has never been good at being affectionate and we rarely have sex. I have a strong sex drive, and was raised in a very close and touchy lovey family so I feel neglected and abandoned most of the time.
Several months I ago(I'm an actor) I did a show with this guy. We really hit it off as friends. Then we started Instant Messaging each other every day. He is married also, but tells me that he is attracted to me and feels a bond with me. I am not attracted to him at all, but I am in love with the attention he gives me, the compliments, the sweet things he says. I tried to break it off, but everytime DH neglects me-I run to him.
This guy and I live in the same city, we work together sometimes. We agree that we will never go further with our relationship. Is this still an affair? do I just suffer? I need something from someone adn I wish it was Dh and not this on-line "friend"

Hello,

It is indeed an affair. You are in what is called an emotional affair. You are getting some of your needs met by someone other than your husband. What would you call it? Have you told your husband you are emotonally involved with this other man and he is providing some of the needs you husband should be giving you? If the answer is no then it is another indication of an affair since you are keeping secrets from your husband about a serious friendship with this man.
Let me ask you this: How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Would you feel it was acceptable for your husband to be emotionally involved with another woman and have secret meetings and communications with each other behind your back? How would you feel if your husband then told you he loves the attention he is getting from this other woman and that they are close but promised each other they will not cross the line. How do you think you would react to this? How do you think your husband will react to this? If you wish to eventually destroy your marriage then continue to do what you are doing.

You both need professional marriage counseling. It is not possibly for you to improve your marriage and work on your issues if you have become emotional involved and are having secret communications with another man behind your husband's back. If you still claim that you are not in an emotionally affair then let me ask you are you willing to show your husband all of your emails with the other man and share with your husband all of your conversations with the other man? If the answer is no then you need to stop rationalizing your behavior and realize you are in an emotional affair. Again would you want your husband to be doing to you what you are doing to him right now? Your answer will tell you a great deal what you are really doing. I wish you luck.

I would never want my husband to do what I am doing. He knows that I talk to this man. But tell me what to do.
Do I not deserve affection? I raise his child, fix his meals, wash all his clothes. And never get attention. Never get loved on.
No I hate this thing with this other man. It's like an addiction.

Hello again,

All right we are now getting somewhere. You admit that you would never want your husband to be doing to you what you are doing to him but you love the attention and it is an addiction. You now recognize you are in an emotional affair. The truth is important because it is the only way to deal with an addiction.
Next you asked if you deserve affection from your husband and the answer is a resounding Yes! The problem is between you and your husband and a third person involved will not help it.
What to do? There are others on this board who have great expertise like Too Much Coffeeman who will give you great advise. I would suggest that you sit down quietly with your husband and discuss the important issues that are affecting your marriage and that you wish the both of you to seek professional marriage counseling. Tell him his lack of affection and attention toward will eventually destroy your feelings for him and your marriage. Tell him your marriage is in crisis and ask if he wishes to work on it and make it better. Honesty is a must in a healthy relationship. You cannot expect it to get better if there is a third person involved and I know you know this. You need to open up totally and express yourself to your husband and tell him that your marriage is in crisis mode. Again you said you would not want your husband to be doing to you what you are doing to him. Keep saying this to yourself while working on your marriage. I will ask Too much Coffeeman to write on this thread.
I wish you luck.

An affair is an addiction and the longer you let it go on the more addicted you will become. You need to tell your husband what is going on. He needs a wake up call so he can start meeting your needs. But, you have to stop what you are doing ASAP. You may not be physically attracted to this man, but the addiction will draw you in and it WILL get physical. Trust me. My W is currently in an affair such as yours except it did get physical. She is now living with this man. Affairs change your character to meet the needs of the affair. My wife is so different now. Everything she used to do was for our 2 daughters. Basically, her life revolved around our daughters. Well, she calls the girls about every day, but sees them maybe once a week. She used to say stuff to me about things like if you ever grew a beard, I'd leave you. Well other man has a beard. She used to say she couldn't stand being around people that smoke. The other man smokes. I brush my teeth once a day and she still complained I didn't do it enough-other man has grundgy looking teeth, not to mention he doesn't use deodorant. Whew, he smells!!! My daughters think of the other guy as very unappealing as far as looks go. My wife seems to be ok with that. This man is a liar and a cheat. He has had several affair, my wife knows this and still she is living with him and feels so in love. All I'm saying is that if you don't stop contact with this man and do not end this affair now, you WILL be drawn into it further and it will get physical and when that happens, you are not going to be able to break away very easily... Take this advice from a betrayed spouse, it can and will happen if you don't stop now!!!

Thanks for your replies. I am going to work on this. I can stop talking to this guy. But I don't think I can tell DH,yet. I told him this morning that I talked to this man atleast an hour a day, because Dh never will talk to me. He didn't even seemed bothered by this.
I pray for strength all the time. I know that this is a terrible sin, and I can feel the distance building in my spiritual relationship. I want to change or I would not be here searching for help.

You are on the right path because you are indeed seeking help with this. Your husband is not a mindreader. You need to tell him in plain English what it means and why you were talking to this OM for an hour a day. If you husband does not realize that your marriage is in crisis then you need to tell him exactly that in clear language. What you told him you talked to the OM for an hour a day your husband probably never realized the true meaning of your comment. I would ask him if he wishes that you get your needs met by other people and see his response. What are the chances of marriage counseling for the both of you. If you love him you will have to fight for his attention and your marriage and make him realize that the marriage is in serious trouble. I wish you luck.

spotlightgirl you've been given excellent advise by BryanP and I would just like to add that you do deserve to have your H(husband) satisfy your most important EN(emotional needs). But that won't happen if you do not tell him clearly and concisely how by him not satisfying your most important EN the marriage is on the sure path of divorce. If he asks you how he can do that, you can tell him that a good place to start is for BOTH of you to fill out the EN(Emotional Needs) questionaire and the LB(Love Busters) questionaire AND to read the Harley books 'His Needs Her Needs', and 'Love Busters'. But if he balks at your comments, then you must be willing to start to emotionally detach from your H as a prelude to an eventual and total dissolution of the marriage. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving one's best to save a marriage, but if a spouse is unwilling to work on his/her side to better him/herself, then one must accept that reality and proceed from that point on to move on with one's life without the other spouse. So talk to your H and hopefully he will see the gravity of the situation and work on his part to help resolve it.

As you've stated yourself 'it's like an addiction' and until you treat it as such and stop indulging in the drug that the OM is, your H has no chance to meet your important EN(emotional need) for attention even if he tried his best to do so. So it's not just a matter of having your H satisfy your EN but of you ending your addiction as well. Don't fall under the false assumption that your addiction will end the moment your H starts satisfying your EN, for it doesn't work that way in real life. Your H cannot end your addiction for you, that is something that you will have to do yourself by re-establishing your marital boundaries which include no more contact with the OM.

<small>[ September 07, 2003, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Hi Spotlight Girl,

I would like to add my comments, even though I'm still what everyone around here would call a newbie.

Even though I am the WH, by our stories, you and I could be the same person. My wife and I are the opposites of you and your husband. My wife has a very low sex-drive; it wasn't uncommon prior to all of this for us to have sex once a month. That is no longer the case, and you need to know that counseling can help your current situation. And it will be a whole lot less painful than what will result from continuing with your friendship with the OM.

My A began as a friendship. It grew from that into sending e-mail jokes back and forth; then comments starting being attached to the jokes. Before long the jokes were gone, and we were just e-mailing each other 5, 6, 7, times a day. We seemed to be able to relate to each other very well, and could "understand" each other. We started sharing problems, offering support, and then subtle flirting began.

Somewhere along the road, the OW shared with me that she had "feelings" for me. This freaked me out, and I told her that we couldn't act on them; that it would be too hurtful to our families, and each other. I shared this information with my Pastor, who suggested ending contact right then and there, but I thought I knew better. I thought, "what greater example of Christian love, than being able to rise above these feelings, and maintain our friendship". I thought I was strong enough.

But, the flattery, and the compliments, and the almost "spotlight" like attention is very addicting, and it will effect and impair your judgement. You will start rationalizing why an A is acceptable, and why you "deserve" it.

My OW was the first to admit feelings for me, and your friend has admitted feelings to you. One important thing for you to keep in mind, which I knew, but didn't want to acknowledge, is that that other person is going to act in a way that furthers their cause. They will make sure that they always say the right things, laugh at the right times, and, basically, be on their best behavior. This is not to say that his feelings for you aren't real, but he has feelings, and by admitting them to you, he has basically announced his plans.

My experience is that once the feelings are known, there's no going back. You either break it off now, before everyone else gets hurt, you break it off later, after everyone else gets hurt, or you selfishly don't break it off, with the opinion that your needs are the most important ones, and to hell with everyone else's feelings.

Unfortunately, I chose option two, which ended like a train wreck. Now, not only am I wearing the Scarlet Letter, I have also lost a very dear friend, because I couldn't be a stronger friend to her before.

Just my thoughts.

Guys,
Thank you so much for your advice. I have already blocked the OM from my Instant messenger list, so he can no longer see when I am online. I cried myself to sleep last night, I am ready to work on this. I am going to run off all of the questionairres and go to the bookstore tomorrow for the book. H says he wants to work on this.
I want to feel good again.

spotlightgirl,
I am the Wayward Wife still in an affair - an affair that has been going for over 5 years! People here on MB have helped me to devise a plan, and hopefully with God' strength I will be able to implement it soon.

My A started as a friendship - it made me feel so important. And he related to me so well. He know so well why women were so unhappy in their marriages - because husbands didn't pay attention and make them feel special, etc.

Well, I can tell you that after 5+ years he really did KNOW what he was talking about, but he gets sloppy like most husbands do (nothing against them). I can say that in an Affair it is real easy for the other person to be the person you want them to be because they don't live with you and deal with issues on a daily basis like you do in a marriage.

I don't want to babble - I just want you to know that if you do not nip this in the bud you might turn out like me. I LIE every day of my life right now. You are lying to your husband - and truly, honesty is going to be your best friend in this.

I remember before my A started (before I even met the OM), I was so alone. My H wouldn't have sex with me - heck, if it "got hard" he said it wasn't cuz he was turned on, but because it was just a physical reaction to being touched. That didn't do a whole lot to make me feel good. ANyway, I pretty much lavished my H with love and affection and got nothing in return. I remember we went to dinner one night and told him that I was empty and feeling alone and scared and was going to have to do something on my own to develop some real relationships with people so that I could feel alive. Honestly, at that time, all I was gonna do was start a hobby...and unfortunately that led to an affair.

I love my Husband very much and have come to realize his value - and he is so precious. God help me to do the right thing before it is too late.
...and God help you, too.
Good luck.