My wife and I have been having some issues recently. She has been unhappy with several things in our lives that I have no real control over, but she resents me for them anyway. This has led to a drinking situation with her, and she will go out 3-4 times a week with a group of guy friends, leaving the kids wondering whaere mommy goes, and telling me she needs space. She says that she just gets along better with guys and that is why she hangs out with them. I have been with her a couple of times and 1 time in particular got very upset with a hug that a friend of hers gave her while grabbing her rear end. She did not push this off, and got mad at me for suggesting that he was wrong for doing so. Then all of a sudden she was recieving phone calls from him 4-5 times a day, deleting all of her webmail, and phone logs on her cell phone, etc. She went to visit family in texas and while there I got maybe 35 minutes of conversation in with her by phone. I recieve her cell phone bill and find that she was talking to him for anywheres up to 68 minutes again 3-4 times a day. I got suspicious, and started prying into her things, checking her webmail, putting spy software on her computer, and I even impersonated her online in an instant message with her best friend. There it was brought out that she had been considering sleeping with this guy. I approached her with this info, and she is now telling me that she has problems trusting me because i spied on her. I have even witnessed him stroking her hair, and face in a public place, and holding her hands etc. I want this marriage to work, and since i do believe her that nothing had actually happened I feel that with a bit of work it can come out alright in the end. She however is prone to holding gruges, and feels that I have betrayed her trust so much that it may not be able to be worked out, but will try. I need some assistance with this, does anyone have some insight, or experience with this kind of thing. I need to save our Marriage, Because I truly love this woman, and want to grow old next to her. Help!!!

Look up Al-Anon in your phone directory.

Call the number and ask for guidance ... tell them your wife, whom you adore, is a drinker.

Go to Al-Anon.

You are enabling her choices.

" I do believe her that nothing [had] actually happened." ..... are you saying that going out to bars and drinking with men while her children are left wondering where mommie went ..... are you actually willing to say "nothing happened" ????

Something is happening .... the kids are being neglected. And this isn't enough to be "something" important??? ...

Protect your kids.

Al-Anon .... you are really deep in denial.

call .... go .... listen .... keep going

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have considered the al-anon route, and am currently looking into it. But what about rebuilding the trust? She says she can't trust me because i pried, and does not believe that I can or want to trust her. She feels that without the trust, the relationship will probably end. I have already had 1 divorce, as has she, hers from an abusive spouse, and mine from a wife who I discovered after the divorce had been cheating on me. There is also the resentment issues: She resents the fact that we are so far from her family, but the reason is that I have an 8 year old son from my first marriage, who we moved where we are to be closer to, and 2 years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, and she is both afraid and resentful about that as well. I have no intention of succumbing to the effects of the illness that are possible, but i cannot make her believe that positive thinking will get us through any of it. This guy I am concerned about dropped out of society 2 years ago, and hangs out at bars, and recently a 27 yearold - he is 47 - that he had been "active" with tried to commit suicide by slashing up her arms. I have spoken with him and he has told me that he will disappear from the face of the earth, but that remains to be seen as there is still at least 1 phone call between the 2 of them for about 20-30 minutes a day on her cell phone, always when i am not around. I have heard her say 6 times in the last 2 months during fights that maybe we should seperate, and 1 time i walked out of the house, but was too weak to stay gone for more than 3 hours. I am worried about my family so much that I can't sleep, i have lost 25 pounds in a months time and don't even feel like eating. I can't lose this battle!! We were financially in dire straights for the last 5 years, overextended, poor credit rating etc. And just last month we finally pulled out. Now when i am able to do so much more for my family there is a chance that I could lose them. I have told her that I am willing to try counseling, but she seems to be dragging her heels on that as well even though it was her suggestion in the first place. I am so lost and every day I get lower in my feelings, and esteem. Please help me out here as I feel like if I lose my family again, it could be the end of my emotional capabilities.

Hurts:

If she won't go 2 counseling with you, go for yourself. NOW.

Your W is having an affair. It may be mostly an EA (emotional affair) at the moment, but it could also be physical (PA). I've been told that it's the physical that bothers betrayed husbands the most, but I can tell you for sure that it's not.

Get yourself in a healthy emotional state and you won't lose your family. Your W will have 2 make her own choices, you can't make them for her, and trying 2 get her 2 do anything will only anger her while she's having an affair.

She's not unusual in that she gets angry when you snoop. I've posted this several times on this forum, but I'll post it again, because it's the clearest definition of truth, honesty, privacy and secrecy I've ever found. YOu might even tell your W that you respect her privacy, but you will do nothing 2 support her desire for secrecy.

"The Difference Between Secret And Private

Private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs. Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer.

Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has potentially negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially. Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.

Private: I believe in reincarnation.

Secret: I have a wife and a mistress and neither knows about the other.

Private: I got terrible grades in high school.

Secret: I forged my medical degree.

The Difference Between Truth and Honesty

Truth is empirical, demonstrable fact. Your bank balance, today’s date, whether or not you’re married.

Honesty is about feelings. If you’re honest, you are open and clear about how you feel. You can be truthful without being honest and you can be honest without being truthful (the latter a little more difficult). The best relationships, stating the painfully obvious, are both truthful and honest. Trust is built on both truth and honesty, tempered by the proof of predictability and reliability."

-2long

I'm afraid that you are swallowing your wife's attempt to shift the blame over to you for discovering her dishonest behavior because you are afraid of ending the marriage. She engages in blatanly disrespectful behavior (going out 3-4 times a week with other men, letting another man grope her behind, etc.). Your W(wife) KNOWS that you do not want to end the marriage, so she knows that she is in a position of power and that she can do whatever she wants because there are no consequences to her behavior. What should you do? Firstly, convey to her that marriage counseling (with a pro-marriage oriented professional) is needed in order to save the marriage and if she balks at this then you MUST accept the possibility that you only have a marriage in name but not in spirit and that it would be wise to start to emotionally detach from her (lose your fear of divorce) so that if and when the time arrives for you to make the decision to move on without her, you will be ready to do so.

I asked you about protecting YOUR CHILDREN .....

and you want to discuss how to "rebuild the trust" with your wife .... meaning she is pissed you caught her.

What about your kids' trust issues? They can't trust their Mommie to be there sober when they need her .... doesn't that matter to you?

go to Al-Anon .... your thinking and priorities are skewed.

Your MS makes her resentful? Gee, she's a wonderful woman! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

How about protecting your children from being neglected while Mommie is out at the bar?

What say you?

Pep

<small>[ September 07, 2003, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep,

I know you are trying to help, I have already started taking steps towards al-anon assistance. I understand that her resentment of MS is actually fear, she had a first marriage which was abusive in nature, drugs involved etc. and after that divorce her ex overdosed. she is afraid to lose a close person again to death or something beyond her control.

I am doing every thing I can at the same time to protect my children. I am there for them as much as my working to support our family allows. My Mother in Law is staying with us for childcare as well, but she has had a bad past relationship problem or three herself, and is hesitant to get involved because she feels she would not know what to say or do. I am showing the kids as much pleasure as I can, and trying to show them that there is no problem - they are too young to understand if I attempted to explain it to them.

Meanwhile tonight I was introduced to someone as her husband "Nick", my name is Tim, this other persons name is Nick. He dropped out of society 2 years ago, and she feels that he needs her "friendship" to start him on the right path again. He is a loser, and I believe that this is her internal attempt to attone for not being able to straighten out her ex's problems. Again a big argument after tonights introduction, and I had gone to my physician for a sinus problem this morning and he sensed something else was wrong. I told him about the way i was feeling and what was going on in a concise fashion, and now he has prescribed paxil, and xantech for me. I never wanted to be reliant on something else to calm me down, and now I am being told it is a need for me.

Also once again during the argument she attempted the blame shifting, and I told her I was not accepting the blame, I didn't start any of this, and she needed to look at herself in the mirror and see what she was doing was hurting me, and us and our family. She had again had some drinks, and says she does not remember the introduction. To add to that at the place we ended up at, and the intro was made, I found out Nick was there. He came over to us, and My wife expected to have me "behave myself". She is putting this friendship above our relationship, and it seems that nothing else is as important. I really love her and believe that all of this stems from her drinking. She already had a low self esteem problem, and has recently been confused about where her life was going. As i think I mentioned another girl 27 years of age, recently committed suicide, after spending the evenng stating that she wanted so bdly for Nick to love her and take her home with him. This guy preys on confused younger ladies, and then toys with their emotions.

I know i aound like excuses are being given here but they are not. I am so tired of all this. And I want that stopped

Now I have attended my first al-anon session, and we have an appointment with a Marriage counselor on Tuesday. But how do I cope until something positive happens, my bosses had a meeting with me and told me they could sense a problem, and told me to take a few days off to clear my head, I am very good at separating work and personal, so I must not be handling this at all too well. I went to the Dr. for a sinus infection, and have also been diagnosed w/ clinical depression, which he is treating with xantech, and paxil, I am at the Al-anon meeting and she sends me a message on the cellphone that she wants me to pick up a bottle of wine for her before I come home (I didn't) she wants to fight about everything, and I am so tired of it and scared of it that I am unsure of what I am doing myself anymore. I wrote her this letter , only to get a call from her that it pissed her off even more.

"I don't know why you are insisting on making everything so difficult with us. You don't say I love you, you wait until I ask you for a kiss before you will give me one, you always want to be away from me, it is almost as if you are trying to make this a contest of wills, like last nights thing about my cell phone being off. If that is the case then I concede. You win!! You can do whatever you would like with your life, you can head down your own self-imposed path to destruction, and leave me and the kids and everyone else who cares about you in your wake. You can risk your marriage for so called friends, you can risk your health and relationships with your kids because of your drinking, and I cannot take the blame anymore.

You say that I imagined things, well I did not imagine being called your Husband Nick, or watching him stroke your hair and face, refusing to let you off the dance floor, etc. I was not under the influence of alcohol at the time. If anyone needs to try extra hard to get into someone's good graces it is him, I did not cross any boundaries with his wife, ex or whatever, and he has with mine. If you are so willing to give up our relationship because of alcohol, Nick, your need for space, etc., then there is nothing I can do to stop you. All I can say is that I have been making positive steps to help us, and you are fighting me each and every step of the way. This is no way to be a partner in a marriage, and you need to understand that you are not alone in the world, the world sucks, and all we can do is try to make our little piece of it better. Our world can be a great place if you want it, fun times, healthy kids, happy moments shared etc. You have the world I am talking about at your feet right now, and all you want to do is walk around it, if not stomp it out completely. I said no many times in the past, I had to due to budget, Now I do not have that restriction as much anymore, and you have even started to realize some of its benefits. But in some ways you have been abusing these benefits as well. We are about to start counseling, if you still want to then that is great, I am going with you or without you, because I love you, and I love us, and I need to be able to feel good about me, you and us. I made a vow to you 5 years ago, and that vow still holds true today. If you are wrestling with past ghosts, than I can only be there for you when you let me. Just be careful that you are not heading down the same self-destructive path that you watched someone else head down as you stood by helpless to assist because he wouldn't let you. I am right now helpless to assist you, us and the kids, because you will not let me, and I have to accept this because I will have to be here for the kids, to pick them up if it all falls apart.

I am sorry if any of this bothers, angers, or saddens you, but the fact remains that I love you, and if I just went along with your destructiveness towards yourself, us and our home then I would not really be showing you how much I love you."

I wish she could see what she is doing to us all, and that her destructiveness is hurting all of us
Where do I go now?? I feel like the only way to save me is to seperate from her, and I would have to involve the kids in that, and I don't want them to be getting hurt by this

Now I have attended my first al-anon session, and we have an appointment with a Marriage counselor on Tuesday. But how do I cope until something positive happens, my bosses had a meeting with me and told me they could sense a problem, and told me to take a few days off to clear my head, I am very good at separating work and personal, so I must not be handling this at all too well. I went to the Dr. for a sinus infection, and have also been diagnosed w/ clinical depression, which he is treating with xantech, and paxil, I am at the Al-anon meeting and she sends me a message on the cellphone that she wants me to pick up a bottle of wine for her before I come home (I didn't) she wants to fight about everything, and I am so tired of it and scared of it that I am unsure of what I am doing myself anymore. I wrote her this letter , only to get a call from her that it pissed her off even more.

"I don't know why you are insisting on making everything so difficult with us. You don't say I love you, you wait until I ask you for a kiss before you will give me one, you always want to be away from me, it is almost as if you are trying to make this a contest of wills, like last nights thing about my cell phone being off. If that is the case then I concede. You win!! You can do whatever you would like with your life, you can head down your own self-imposed path to destruction, and leave me and the kids and everyone else who cares about you in your wake. You can risk your marriage for so called friends, you can risk your health and relationships with your kids because of your drinking, and I cannot take the blame anymore.

You say that I imagined things, well I did not imagine being called your Husband Nick, or watching him stroke your hair and face, refusing to let you off the dance floor, etc. I was not under the influence of alcohol at the time. If anyone needs to try extra hard to get into someone's good graces it is him, I did not cross any boundaries with his wife, ex or whatever, and he has with mine. If you are so willing to give up our relationship because of alcohol, Nick, your need for space, etc., then there is nothing I can do to stop you. All I can say is that I have been making positive steps to help us, and you are fighting me each and every step of the way. This is no way to be a partner in a marriage, and you need to understand that you are not alone in the world, the world sucks, and all we can do is try to make our little piece of it better. Our world can be a great place if you want it, fun times, healthy kids, happy moments shared etc. You have the world I am talking about at your feet right now, and all you want to do is walk around it, if not stomp it out completely. I said no many times in the past, I had to due to budget, Now I do not have that restriction as much anymore, and you have even started to realize some of its benefits. But in some ways you have been abusing these benefits as well. We are about to start counseling, if you still want to then that is great, I am going with you or without you, because I love you, and I love us, and I need to be able to feel good about me, you and us. I made a vow to you 5 years ago, and that vow still holds true today. If you are wrestling with past ghosts, than I can only be there for you when you let me. Just be careful that you are not heading down the same self-destructive path that you watched someone else head down as you stood by helpless to assist because he wouldn't let you. I am right now helpless to assist you, us and the kids, because you will not let me, and I have to accept this because I will have to be here for the kids, to pick them up if it all falls apart.

I am sorry if any of this bothers, angers, or saddens you, but the fact remains that I love you, and if I just went along with your destructiveness towards yourself, us and our home then I would not really be showing you how much I love you."

I wish she could see what she is doing to us all, and that her destructiveness is hurting all of us
Where do I go now?? I feel like the only way to save me is to seperate from her, and I would have to involve the kids in that, and I don't want them to be getting hurt by this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />