I came to this site a while ago.

Married 20 years.My h announced one day that 'things had changed'.I was more scared that day than I have ever been in my entire life. I think I knew there and then, that my h was going to dump on me and I knew his mind was made up about something.

Well, after 10 weeks of telling me he was confused, needed space,how I hate that pathetic word,and how he didn't know who he was anymore, my thoughts turned to the fact that an ow was almost inevitable.

My 'guts' told me that this was the case, but my h told me I was mental, paranoid,deluded,completely wrong, and he even swore repeatedly on our childrens lives and our grand daughters life, that there was NO ow. He said that he had never had an affair, wasn't having an affair and would NOT be having an affair. Past present and future all taken care of then !

My inner core was being thrown into chaos. I knew that he was lying, but my h would Never swear on our kids lives, so I was in a constant state of confusion and torment.My h moved out so that he could be alone. He told me he wanted to be isolated.I thought he was having a breakdown, tried to help him, became passive, which isn't my nature really, and generally begged for an insight into what was happening to him and us.

He told me we were NOT over, he didn't want a divorce, he just wanted to 'find himself'. After 10 weeks, I followed him one night and tracked him down to a flat about 8 miles away. He has been having an affair with a co-worker and living with her and her small child or children.He told her that he was separated from me and that he was a 'single' man !! I rang my children and they drove to where I found him and we all confronted him together. They said that unless they saw it with their own eyes, they would never believe that their dad could do such a thing.

So there we have it. That was 6 weeks ago. He hasn't rung me or the children since. I've had a solicitors letter to say that my h wants a divorce. He apparently has grounds to divorce me, but would much rather that I divorced him on the grounds of his adultery !!I'm not divorcing him and I have e-mailed him at work to tell him so.

I have tried to reason with him, tell him that I will forgive him anything, and generally made myself look pathetic.I send him prayers and have done nothing more than to make myself look like a complete fool. He has finally 'come clean' with his parents and they have met this ow. My father in law came to see me for the first time the other day after 6 weeks, and was very cold towards me.At first he seemed concerned about me, and since then, my h has fed them with lies and now neither he nor my mother in law want anything to do with me.

My h has told them that he has hated me for years and I am a control freak !! That I control him and the children and he needs another kind of woman in his life. I can't believe that they even believe this rubbish. My daughter has told her grandparents that this is utter rubbish, but they live in another country, only visit once a year and have decided to believe their son.

This is injustice in the extreme, and do you know what? There is nothing I can do to defend myself. I want to scream,and if I do I'll look what they want me to look like. If I say nothing, like I have been doing because of complete shock, then I just get walked over. My h has told these lies to all his 'new' friends and colleagues and has cut off all contact with anybody that we knew as a couple.

Also he has svered all contact with 2 of our children Our eldest lives 300 miles away and hasn't lived at home for 3 years, so he has only been told my h story, and he seems to believe it for some reason. So now, the children are not united !! My h is going to serve me with divorce papers soon, and although I've told him that I do not want this to happen, i looks like that I'm not going to have any say in the matter.He doesn't love me or want me anymore he says.

I have read lots on mlc, and feel that this is what he is in, but it's not going to make any difference is it ? He is hell bent on this course of action and is safe in the knowledge that he has another person to support him. Well, she has a vested interest hasn't she?

I feel sick and unsure of life in general. I'm 46 and my h is 44. Our children are all grown and this was going to be 'our' time now. He has planned this all along and seemed to be just waiting his chance to strike. It seems impossible to turn this around. There is nothing I can do.I wanted to save our marriage but he won't see me again and has made his life with this new person.

People and friends have implied that affairs don't last, but my h does not call this an affair. He said that he had left our house before it started. That, I have been informed is utter rubbish. It has been going on in his office since christmas and he didn't leave me till may. I think he was setting me up for a fall and looking for reasons why we don't get on. He was contriving things to blame me for.

Well, although people say that until he hits rock bottom, he won't even think about me, I don't think I stand much chance of him hitting rock bottom. I know my h and he doesn't do a thing unless he is sure of the outcome. SHE gave him the guts to leave me and its obvious that it is her that he wants.He will cling onto her for grim death. How do I know? Because he is fundamentally quite spineless and would never jump ship till he saw another on the horizon.

I've gone from loving my h with all my heart to wishing him dead. What a waste of a 20 year marriage. Well, not in his eyes obviously.This is a hopeless situation, and I know I'm supposed to think about me now, but my h has made me feel worthless, ugly and old, and I'm not really any of those things but try telling me that !!

I know I'll get all the time is a great healer advice, but do you know something? The injustice that I will have to live with till the day I die is almost unbearable and it worries me that I won't handle it well. I am supposed to be relying on God. I have a faith and all I do is fluctuate between faith and fear.Restore ministries say that God can talk to my h and change his heart. When will that be then?

Hi TS and welcome to MB.

Let us know what books or your MC status is and then more will step in and help. I have to finish making brunch and will be back to visit your thread again.

U R NOT alone in this. MOST WS feel their situation is unique. As for fooling some of the people some of the time. This is it but not all. Your other child(ren) will be divided because he is a confused man. If what he is doing is sooo right and you are sooo wrong, tell your children you would have known.....after all you weren't numb or dumb.....20 years with 1 man you have to know something.

I have heard similar and so have many others.

Let us know how you are doing ok?

L.

THISSO please read Topic: MAJOR HELP NEEDED HERE!!

Don't think what you are going through is different than what others have gone through. Affairs seem to all have the same basic steps that they go through. And don't let your husband tell you he is not in an affair, yes he is in an affair. And they usually end. You have to be stronger than the affair... Please keep posting and reading on this site. There are many knowledgeable people here. I'm new and my advice probably isn't the best, but like I said, there are some very knowledgeable people here that will help. Give them a chance to respond. For some reason weekends seem slow so "bump" your thread on Monday and hopefully more will respond...

thanks, read what you said. It's just daft isn't it? everything is just daft.Life is stupid and here we all are trying to do this,do that, make the right moves and hope for the right responses.I think wayward spouses are horrible people and I'm sick to death of the injustice. I've tried things that have been suggested to me, I've prayed to God, and guess what?, I'm told my divorce papers are on their way. Great ! My husband obviously means what he says then. He really doesn't love me. What part of that don't I manage to understand?

thisso,

I recommend that you pick up a copy of "Love Must be Tough", by James Dobson. It's an easy read. It's not all that you need to read, of course, but I think it's quite helpful in situations like yours.

As long as you keep chasing your H, he knows that he can come back to you - which means that he can just keep doing what he's doing. So, I recommend that you stop those begging phone calls, emails, letters etc. Maybe you already have.

Make yourself calm and in control (at least that's what he should see).

Click on the Concepts link at the top of the page. Read about "Love Busters" (LB's) and "Emotional Needs". If you are to win this, you might have to do some work.

Good luck to you,

-AD

The facts are that there is a very low probablility (3% or so?) that his relationship with this OW will last more than two years, whether he divorces you or not. My Brother-in-Law's wife divorced him and they remarried within two years, so I have personal experience with this, as well as the statistical evidence. However, I would encourage you to click on the link in my signature line and read everything, but pay particular attention to the "Plan A" links. That is what you need the most right now.

You might want to look over Michele Weiner-Davis's 180 degree list:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg. plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in the marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I love you.
12 Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Dont sit around waiting on your spouse, get busy, do things, go to church, ro out with friends, etc.
15. When home with you spouse (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking you spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had a awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold- just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and , and more important, realize what she will be missing.
19. No matter wjat you are feeling TODAY only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she will want to be around with.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold.
21. Dont be over enthusiastic.
22. Never loose you cool.
23. Do not argue about how she feels ( it only makes her feelings stronger).
24. Be patient.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself ( exercise, sleep, laugh and focus on all the other parts of your life that is not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do a 180, you smallest consistent actions will be noticed much more that anywords you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do NOT BELEIVE ANY OF WHAT YOU HEAR AND LESS THAN 50 PERCENT OOF WHAT YOU SEE, YOUR SPOUSE WILL SPEAK IN ABSOLUTE NEGATIVES BECAUSE SHE IS HURTING AND SCARED.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

<small>[ September 08, 2003, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>