In this era of HIV and AIDS, why are all of these WS's having unprotected sex? I don't get it. Is it because the M don't want to show up to arendezvous with a condom, which means premeditation on their part at least. The reality is the men in affairs think about sex long before it happens. Are most women less calculated about the first time sex of the affair? They are caught up in the romantic moment so it's ok to trust that the guy hasn't contracted the HIV virus.

WS's tell me what went thru your heads................

I believe that cheating spouses are at heart very selfish and self-abosorbed. All they care about is having a good time and making sure they do not get caught. The thought that they would engage in an outside sexual affair and not use any type of safe sex practices indicates that they could care less that they humiliate and disrespect their spouse and put their health at jeopardy. The refusal to take even minimun precautions sends a loud and clear message how they care and feel about their spouse which is they simply could care less if the spouse is put at risk because of their behavior. This is just my opinion.

I'll tell you what my FWH said when I found out that he had unprotected sex with ow...told me that it didn't even cross his mind b/c she wasn't that kind of person to have diseases. He did go the very next day and get tests run and came back negative, but I also know that the ow had just gone through 2nd divorce from a husband who had been cheating on her (so no telling what he could have spread to her, then on to my husband) and the fact that she had a child from a man previous to the two she married. All of this tells me that she wasn't the "safest" bet for being clean of disease. Add to that that she was dating while seeing my husband...does make you wonder what in the heck they think with in an affair???
So, I feel many of the cheating spouses think so highly of the op that they can't even imagine them being defective in some way.

Thanks for responses.

Can you even believe that my W seems angry or self-righteous when I asked her to get a STD test? Her rationale is that the OM has been married for 12 yrs. Don't even say it. I know that HIV can lie dormant for years. Plus who knows the OM acts like this is his first and only affair but who knows. This is his second M and he was single between the two marriages.

I guarantee you if the roles were reversed she would make damn sure you were tested. This is a question that should not be negotiated. If she refuses to be tested then she is still discounting you and your marriage. The logical conclusion is that if she is infected in any way with an STD then she has no problem in her mind giving it to you also since you should pay for her affair also if there is a problem. In short, her attitude is outrageous and degrading to you and her herself. I wish you luck.

BryanP,
I would LOVE to know what your story is. You come across as extremely bitter - and whatever your story, I am sure you have the right to be.

Posted by BryanP
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that cheating spouses are at heart very selfish and self-abosorbed.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are wrong here. The act of having an A IS selfish and self-absorbed...however, to state that they ARE very selfish and self-absorbed is not correct - that would assume that they are and have always been that way. Yes, I am having an A and I am not making excuses for it. However, it was the pain of an empty life that led me down that path. Yes, I did have a choice, and obviously made the wrong one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All they care about is having a good time and making sure they do not get caught.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is not a correct statement, either. Think about what usually leads to an affair - emotional needs not being met. While this is not an excuse to do it, it is the fact. When my A started it made me feel better because it filled the voids - but truthfully, after a while, it makes you sick to your stomach and you wonder how you ever ended up in this place.

A WS does not sit around and think "Oh! I'll have an A just to hurt my spouse." It usually just happens and they are just as surprised - they thought they never would do anything like that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The thought that they would engage in an outside sexual affair and not use any type of safe sex practices indicates that they could care less that they humiliate and disrespect their spouse and put their health at jeopardy. The refusal to take even minimun precautions sends a loud and clear message how they care and feel about their spouse which is they simply could care less if the spouse is put at risk because of their behavior. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK...I understand everyone's thought on this - but think of it this way: If you were single and dating, do you think you would wear a condom with every new partner you had? Probably not - and the reason I say this is that most single people today don't. They reason in their head that they "know this person" and that they are "not that kind of person'. We reason everything.

Anyway, I did not use protection, either. That was one of the first things my H asked me...and he asked me why not? I told him that I didn't think it would be problem. In retrospect, I know that was impulsive, childish behavior.

I don't know what else to say except that the defensiveness that your wife is showing is the same defensiveness I have had. We KNOW we're wrong, but we are SO embarassed that being defensive is our only protection. It's not logical, but it is true.

PS: Before anyone feels like beating me up on this post, I would like to remind you that I have a plan in place and am working on implementing to end a long-term A. Read the post called **Jaref**.

I can't decide if it was lucky timing for me or what but I had my annual exam yesterday. Last Tuesday my H told me he is in love with another woman and she is pregnant. So I had the battery of tests run. I haven't asked him to do so yet. He has agreed to go to counseling and I'm trying to get it all organized. I'm sure that this topic will come up. Some things I just can't handle talking about right now without a little help.

Jaref,
I appreciate your response. I was looking for the female WS perspective. You were the only one to respond. Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know what else to say except that the defensiveness that your wife is showing is the same defensiveness I have had. We KNOW we're wrong, but we are SO embarassed that being defensive is our only protection. It's not logical, but it is true.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's good to hear the perspectve so I know what she's thinking. Sometimes she shares her thoughts others.......

Pleased to be of assistance!

To elaborate, in my case, I built an intimate friendship first - where the OM told me about his past girlfriends. I was a typical woman and asked lots of questions about his past - when I asked I wasn't looking to discover if he had some disease or anything. I think I was just being typical - and the more questions I asked of him he took that to mean that I was interested in him (which I wasn't at that time)...but the more I asked and learned, the more he responded, then WHAM! I was sucked into an A. So, at that point I felt I "knew" him and felt "safe" from diseases. Of course, after that first time I was mad at myself for being so stupid and not using a condom...but then the second time comes around and you reason to yourself "well, what's done is done, so it doesn't matter anymore."

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS STUPID, but that is really how it all came about for me - and I would have to assume that my mindset was very typical of most people.

cwmac,

I can only share what my WW shared with me. She says that it never really crossed her mind because her OM seemed to be hygienic and to take care of himself. Interesting fact is the first time post-affair that she was tested for disease was when we found out she was pregnant with our son some 20 months after it had ended. Thank God it was negative.

Jake

I can just feel all the health professionals out there cringing. Alot of time, energy and $$ have been spent to have people understand that the "look" of the person doesn't mean anything.

I found out about my WW's affair when I was infected with HSV. On one hand I am glad to have found out about her affair, as I never suspected anything, but on the other hand I am now infected with an incurable STD. Thank God my HIV test came back negative.