please help i am sorry if this is long

i have been married to my husband for almost 12 yrs we have 4 children 8yrs, 4yrs twins ,and a 5 month old. In the last 5 months my husband has become mean, distant, angry, blames me for everything,says i never cleaned the house enough or made dinner enough.I am a stay at home mom and he is in the marines and works 6 day a week long hours. I thought we had a good marriage.I see now from this site i have been the giver since he is very selfish and spends money like crazy.I thought this is just something i could deal with and i did.It hurt sometimes but i married for better or for worst so i accept it.(I also see how from this site how i could also be better.)But this new behavior is verbally abusive.Last month i got the cell phone bill and they now list all the numbers he calls.And i found out he has been calling this navy wife he met on the internet over and over again.I confronted him and he said they just talked and they are unhappy with there marriages (her hubby is abusive drunk and i am not a good enough house wife with cleaning out the couch and making dinner etc.)He talks to her like 80 times a month sometimes for 30 min or more.He swears nothing sexual was going on,even when i asked him about all his work so called trips up to her area where he was supposeddly recruiting kids (he is a recruiter for the military)this area is not his usual are. (over an hr away)there were many times he did not come home.The day i confronted him he said he was so sorry he would make it work he loved me and even made love to me again.Wished he could turn back the clock and was so sweet and his old self)I said i would forgive him and to go to counseling, i then left for a trip that my girlfriend and i planned with our kids since he could not get leave.When i got back he was mean again says he hates me and on and on with mean words.I have been begging for counseling he is reluctant and is threatening divorce. i have no way to support our kids and myself we are in debt and i am injured from my epidural nerve damage (i take pain meds daily) and would be unable to work.Yesterday he went out with his friend(i have never met) and did not get home to 3 am. this is the same day the phone company sent me the past cell phone numbers. It looks like he spent over 20 nights up in her area.Lied to me where he was even was calling her when our daughter was in the hospital and even on fathers day when he walked out on the kids saying he had to work .( and about work he is failing and blaming me for) i confronted him and he aggreed it looked suspicious but he really was recruiting those late hrs and was talking to her while he drove.I am so confused amongst all the heartache and fear.Do i believe? it just doesn't add up and even when i confronted this woman she first denied i had the right person then began screaming and got hostile and said i was threatening her all i told her was not to talk to my husband again then I added if i am wrong about this please tell me.(my hubby says she was scared cause her husband is abusive) how could this be true i mean they would talk soemtimes all day long.wouln't she be scared to get caught talking?
Please i need your thoughts.I am calling a counselor monday even if he wont go i will.I am also trying to get him to read this site. he is also becomeing paranoid and is checking everything i do ont he conputer thionks i am following him etc. and i am not i am trying to trust.
Thank you so sorry for this being long. i just am so lost now i dont know what to do.

Big thanks

I'm fairly new here, but it looks like your husband is having an affair. It may not be physical but it is emotional. The signs are all there and it will get worse if both of you don't get help and work on your marriage. I'm in the military also and if you can prove he is committing adultry, he can get in a lot of trouble. He can be ordered to not see or communicate with the other woman. You may mention this to him. It'll probably make him very angry, but it may help him think about the consequences of his actions. Please read the articles on the site about infidelity. It will help shed some light on the subject. And get counselling ASAP. The base will pay for you to get counselling. Trust me, it helps. You are going to experience a rollercoaster ride of emotions and it's gonna be difficult, but don't give up. Make an appointment with the base hospital and get on some antidepressants also. Good luck and keep posting. Others will respond and you will get good information here....

The OW is not scared. It is a typical OW tactic to put fear as a way to keep control over the Ws.

Think about informing this so called 'alcoholic H' of hers. He probably has been misrepresented as much as you have if not more.

Why was this so-called navy W on the internet trolling for love if she was sooo scared?

If your H gets mad, ask him if he would by his cocky mamy reasons he has been giving you. His anger is because of his double life. Your questioning it is threatening that double life.

You really should go get yourself tested for STD. You never know where this woman has been. In reality when a WS has s3x with an OW, then goes back to his W, this means his W has now had s3x with every man the OW has. At least that is what I have been told, even by the doctor's office. YUCK. Her H suffers the same consquence. So do you really blame him for being upset? Also, does your H know that?

Can you do a background check on this OW?

Just some thoughts. Be careful and pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Do not make rash decisions. Get with a good MC and doctor ASAP.

take care,
L.

thank you for your replys.I had told him along time ago i would tell his command if he had an affair but he says if i do then he will lose his job and then he would not be able to pay any support.He told me he met this girl ona military chat line and that she was on trying to get advice on her military dependant rights because of her husbands violence. which if she was so scared how could she have my husband calling all hrs. he swaers nothing sexual and that i have bo right to be mad. he also does not want to fill out the questionaires on this site because he does not love me so how can i do anything to fill his love bank.He says everything i do pisses him off.He is very reluvtant to see a counsellor.He believes they will make him compromise and he dosent want to. he believes i he works and that is all he needs to do. that i didnt keep my end of the bargain(that is what he calls marriage now)He dosent care how hard it is to raise 4 kids all bymyself since he is always gone and with my injury.He dosent care that i just lost my mother to a brain injury (she feel and hit her head outside of my ob appt. and died 28 days before i gave birth)He says he hates me and nothing i do makes it better.He sleeps on the couch now.I am trying everything to hold the marriage together i dont know what else to do.

Your husband shows the typical signs of a wayward spouse. He says he could lose his job if you exposed his affair to his commander. I don't think they will do that, but he would get into some sort of trouble. He would be ordered not to make contact with the other woman. This is what you need to happen if you want to work on your marriage. All contact with other person must end before you and your husband can reconcile. If you haven't gotten the book, Surviving an Affair by Harley, I'd suggest getting it and reading it. Also, read the following post: MAJOR HELP NEEDED HERE!! There is some good info there... Keep posting, especially during the week. More people seem to be on line then. You will get more responses then. Like I said before, I'm new to this also. My advice may not be the best, but you have come to where other more qualified people are and you will get help if you keep trying. Good luck and stay positive...

He says he does not talk to her anymore. except last week she emailed him saying soemone is calling her and hanging up and so she thinks it is me.Which it is not.I did confront her the day i found out and told her not to talk to my H again or i would tell her hubby.

How do you know if it is over?

I am sure he is not so stupid to use his cell phone again.That's how i found out.
I guess someone told a minister at the base about his behavior (he tells me they call him angry man at work )and called his command so now he says he is going to lose his job.He said it was me and it wasn't.I would never hurt his carrier.He was very hostile.He now thinks it is my dad.Which it might have been since he is really worried about me.I think it is someone from his job since he is failing at work.So i think this is the reason he is even talking about counseling.

thanks again

M

It's very difficult to tell if he has really stopped contact. You can still snoop around but try not to love bust. I think its time to start plan A. If you know what needs he isn't receiving, work on them. Try to meet the needs he was getting from the OW. Work on yourself and hopefully he'll see the changes and fall back in love with you. I know this all sounds so easy, but it's not that simple. But, you have to start somewhere... Keep posting and reading...