Well I am new to this site and hope that I may get some answers here. Here is my story: We have been married for 21yrs now, my husband found someone on the internet. He had been going back and forth with conversations for about a month, when I happen to find a webcam video in my email. He didn't know how to send it so it was in my email the next day. Believe me, it wasn't a pleasant one....to my utter shock, disbelief this man whom I have loved all these years was doing this to me with some stranger. I phoned him and demanded he come home. I confronted him with the video playing on the computer, he begged, pleaded for my forgiveness. I felt a million knives going through my heart over this betrayal, I also made him phone her and I proceeded to call her every imaginable name in the book. After many months,(in this time he was still on the computer talking with her) I was trying to build my trust of him back up again, he kept telling me "we're just friends, nothing more" to this I said...okay and decided to let her come here for a visit this summer(how dumb was I??) She totally fell in love with this state, said she wanted to move here when her HUSBAND retires in two years. I never let them out of my sight the entire visit. After she left they still continued conversing on here, and to my utter amazement after about 3 months my husband came to me and told me he wanted a divorce! I was shocked, upset, again, a million and one knives shooting through my heart...within 2 weeks, he filed the papers in court. I asked him why and of course got the BLAME FOR EVERYTHING! I asked if he would give me a second chance, a chance to change my ways,to this I was told "your too set in your ways, you'll never change"...so I relented and said "fine if this is what you really want"...I am now moving to another state, I haven't worked in over a year due to a car accident, I have no car, I will be living w/my son for the time being until I can get on my feet again. We are still living under the same roof together. I cannot move until next month...so that is the reason for that. Husband still tells me that he has "feelings" for me and "loves" me as a friend. He approached me one day and said "I have had the inclination to jump into bed with you more than a couple of times" with this, he asked if I wanted to have sex with him. I relented and said yes, and it has happened a couple of times now. Each time, he will tell me "remember, this means nothing, and nothing is changing"....I just tell him yes, I know this...but then feel like he's using me because he cannot have sex w/ the other woman right now. So here I sit, waiting and wondering....any and all suggestions would be appreciated.....thanks for listening...I look forward to hearing from all.....

Annmarie I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this totally unfair situation brought on by your H(husband) selfishness. I wish I could tell you that by having sex with your H that he will fall in love with you again, but I would be lying to you. The truth is that you are right in your assessment that he is using you because he probably doesn't have another woman to have sex with. You have to ask yourself, if this were any other man, would I let him do this me? or Is this the man I married many years ago? I think you know the answer to these questions.

Sometimes people go through a mid-life crisis in which they seem to revert to an immature, almost adolescent mindset and it does no good to anyone to cater to their selfish whims. Your fear of losing him is your greatest enemy to any chance of rebuilding your marriage and until you conquer that fear things will not change between you. How do you conquer you fear of losing him? by facing it and telling him NO the next time he contacts you asking if you want to have sex with him. You are NOT his concubine, You are his WIFE and until you put your foot down (personal boundary) he will continue to treat you like the former.

First of all - TELL HER HUSBAND!!!!

Second, click on the link in my signature line, and start reading. There is a good chance you can save your marriage, but it will not be easy, and it will not be possible as long as he is in contact with her. You can do a lot to show him you can change - by changing - and the reading will help you do that, especially the Plan A links and the information on "LoveBusters" in the concepts section. Before you take him back, he will have to do some changing, too. Right now, though, you need to deal with you. Click and read.

Thanks for your replies so far, yes I know I should confront him and tell him NO, but I also feel like I need to have him, since I still love him dearly. I know I should not think this way, but I do.

John, I wish there were some way to tell her husband, believe me, he just sits with blinders on and has no idea. He knows that they are talking all the time on the computer. He knows about the webcam, and forgives her. She is on the computer all the time, when she's not she is at home and answers the phone all the time, so there is no way to speak to the man. If I sent something in the mail, she would probably open it. So any other suggestions would be appreciated...thanks