Hey Lemondrop.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Ok, I read the older post last night a little, and I skimmed very quickly the newest thread. I get a lot of requests to read a lot of threads (you have no idea what my inbox looks like... lol... somedays it's like an MB archive!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). I took a couple of notes and I have the general picture.
Very cool that you called the radio show. I was listening!! (I try to tune in all of them but I always seem to miss when someone I know calls in) I would highly encourage you to call again, at the top of the hour so that you get in right away and so that you get more of their attention.
Bill Harley is brilliant and amazing. He and Joyce are wonderful caring people, but once in a while he wanders a bit towards the end of the show especially.
So did you get the book yet? I don't have that one or the newest and I sooooo want them. (I'm not allowed to buy more books.... my hubby has had to build me something like 10 bookcases in the last couple of years... so ....)
Alrighty... let's talk a little about Plan A and Plan B and all that good stuff.
Plan A is a strategy to end a spouse's affair. Contrary to popular opinion it is
all about the WS. It is a way to negotiate with them to end the A and recommit to the marriage and to the conditions of recovery.
Dealing with infidelity is counter intuitive. (See my rules in my sig line) it requires that you do things that feel out and out wrong. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that crafting a successful marriage is pretty much counter intuitive but that's a different subject. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> For now let's stick with infidelity and work from there.
Plan A, as a strategy to end an affair, requires you to have almost a double agenda. On the one side you need to demonstrate
willingness to change the things in the marriage that were objectionable or painful for the WS.
You really must begin to work to eliminate love busters. HABITS of being demanding, disrespectful, losing your temper, making independent choices regardless or how he felt about them (we need to talk more about this one there are some caveats during infidelity), annoying habits AND
dishonesty.
Those things need to go. There's no excuse for love busters regardless of what your spouse is or is not doing in the marriage.
Then you can attempt to meet needs as he'll let you. You made the comment in an earlier post that you are trying to make deposits into his love bank. You can't. As long as he is actively involved with someone else the bank is all but closed to you. That's why you need to demonstrate willingness... but you can't neccessarily make all the changes needed. You probably can't meet needs because he won't let you.
Plan A cannot and will not repair your marriage. That is the work that is done in recovery after the affair ends and when certain conditions are agreed to. Plan A is about ending the affair.
That's the one side to Plan A. The part that everyone "gets." Except perhaps for the honesty part. For a society that prides itself on its integrity we certainly are an incredibly dishonest lot.
The other part to Plan A, and these parts should be done as much as possible simultaneously, is the hard part. This is the confronting and the exposing part.
First you need to tell him what you know, how you know it and how you feel about the things he is doing. Daily. This is what honesty is all about. And yes, it's ok to snoop... I reccommend it.
Will he yell and scream? Try to turn it around to be about you? Insist you are evil and invading his privacy? Yep, all of the above and then some.
This is the addiction talking. Your husband is addicted to the other woman, he is literally under the influence and acting from that place. He might look and sound and smell like the man you married, but he's not. Addicts will do just about anything to protect their source, that's why the explosive anger is soooo terrible to behold when you begin to threaten the livelihood of an affair.... secrecy and silence.
Next you need to tell. Everyone you know. Your friends, your family, his family, his coworkers, your church family.... everyone.And particularly if this woman is married you need to contact her husband.... yesterday. Harley says "put it on the evening news," and I agree. Will he be mad.... yep.... go read what I just wrote about anger and addiction and hold that thought in front of you like a shield.
Affairs are really bad decisions. They are harmful for everyone. For you, for the other spouse, for your families and for your husband and his affair partner. You can't see it and maybe he can't.... but they are being hurt in this process as well. I have yet to hear from a WS who doesn't regret what they did and who didn't suffer terribly.
Bad decisions such as affairs are much easier to rationalize in secrecy and much easier to carry out in silence. But when they are exposed to the scrutiny of friends and family and the world at large they are seen for what they really are. Selfish choices that hurt everyone involved.
Exposing the affair has another really important effect. It brings conflict into his relationship with her. Now, instead of having secret little loving trysts, they are talking about how they can't see each other because someone might see them... or they are together talking about this terrible thing you've done. Conversation is no longer quite so pleasant and romantic. Ickiness of any sort between them is good.... even if your actions are the subject of the icky conversation.
So that's Plan A in a nutshell. As much as possible at the same time: Eliminate LBers, be willing to meet needs, confront with what you know, how you know it and how you feel about it, expose the affair to the world.
I have some personal ethical guidelines about exposure. It needs to be done in a way that is respectful and honest. So you say, "My husband is having an affair with ____ (and I would use her name). I love my husband very much, this is very painful for me and it's destroying our family. I want to save our marriage and I can't do it as long as she is in the picture. Please help me in this, encourage him to do the right thing and end the relationship with her and most of all be supportive of our marriage and our family."
No bashing, no name calling, no threats.... just what it is and what you'd like.
Some people will be wonderful, some will never acknowledge they heard you and others will be out and out nasty. Tell you that you are being vindictive and rude and to get on with your life. For those folks, you need to put on your duck suit and let it just roll off your back. They may have all kinds of reasons for being that way and it's not about you.
Mmmm k. So. That's Plan A. Most women can do a good Plan A for no more than 3 months, some much less (I suspect you fall into that group) and Plan A can be done in a letter.
Now.. Plan B is all about YOU! Plan B is to protect you from further pain of having to deal with the affair day in and day out. It's goal is to preserve the feelings of love you have for your spouse before they are entirely destroyed by his cruel and thoughtless actions. One of the big dangers to your marriage when there is infidelity is that one day you will wake up and decide he's just not worth the trouble any more... and that will be it. When the affair ends... and it most likely will.... you won't be willing to give him the time of day to repair your marriage. And that's a tragedy.
Plan B helps prevent that from happening. In Plan B you don't see him, you don't talk to him and you have no contact at all. And you send a letter that says as soon as the affair is over you're willing to
talk about what it will take to reconcile. There are conditions... but that's for later.
Plan B oftentimes has the secondary effect of throwing the affair partner together more. That's not necessarily a bad thing.... it's a good way for them to see what life together with all its conflicts and arguments will be like. It also means that she will now need to meet all of his emotional needs whereas right now she's only meeting some. And they should each get a healthy dose of each other's love busters. I really like it when they live together... the fantasy bubble bursts pretty quickly most of the time.
Ok.... a couple of last things before my fingers give out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
How are you doing with the depression? Did you see someone? Did you get on meds? If not, I'd really like you to do that this week. It will help a lot in allowing you to do this very difficult work.
And I agree... I think you need to be in Plan B pretty quickly. Optimally I'd like to see the exposure part followed very soon by Plan B. I don't think that you'll be able to handle the onslaught that he's going to throw at you or the wear and tear of having to face an affair that goes on and on.
Actions to end a spouse's affair should be a one/two punch sort of thing, followed very soon by Plan B. It shouldn't be an effort that drags on for months or years.
First of all you can't handle that. The emotional toll is very high and you will even begin to have symptoms of post traumatic stress sydrome.
Second the longer the affair continues the more entrenched it becomes. Both with the partners themselves (sucked in like quicksand and can't get out) and with those around them. The horror and disapproval friends and family might feel at first is often replaced all too soon with apathy. You need to strike while the iron is hot and before everyone sees them as a couple.
Let me know your thoughts and questions and I'll do what I can to help you out. I posted the guidelines for the Plan B letter a while back, I'll bump them for you.... here at JFO.
C
