without hurting him even more than I already have? I am guessing, that I am having an EA. I talk to this guy about stuff that is bothering me, when H and I fight, I talk to him about my kids. and He makes me laugh,smile, and get my mind off my problems. I met him online, never in real life. Is it an EA? I have had NC with this guy for 4 days now, and I hope it continues like this. I dont want to hurt H any more than I already have. Also H does have all my passwords to my email account and my cell phone doesnt keep records (we are in italy)and I never called the other guy on my cell (or home phone for that matter) and he doesnt have my numbers. I dont think the EA got very far along. The only way we talked was on yahoo messenger

My H and I have decided to "start over" so to speak. We are gonna go on "dates" and spend more time together. and with our kids as a family. We have stuff planned like
1. surprise the other with a candlelight dinner at home.<dress up for this>
2. go out to eat at least 1x a month (with or without kids)
3. Go bike riding together
4. take walks along the beach <right across the street>
5. rent movies and snuggle on the couch
etc etc. to try and bring back the feeling of falling in love. I mean we have only been married for 2 years and it feels like it is already gone. if that makes sense. Anyway, thanks for reading and any advice would be great. Thanks!

<small>[ September 10, 2003, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: Young_One ]</small>

Good girl....now put cerri's name in the title. Go to your original post here....click the icon that looks like a paper and pencil and edit the title to include her name....otherwise....she'll miss it.

Hey there....

You are a very smart and very brave young woman to see what was happening and to be willing to the right thing. You have my highest esteem.

First I need to say that you need to make sure that there is no future contact. Block his email from all your accounts so he can't reach you. And then after you tell your hubby erase this guy from your address book.

Then you need to go to your husband and say, "Honey, I did something I'm not proud of and I need to tell you about it. I met someone online and we began to develop a close friendship. I realized that it was getting too close and that my relationship with him could come between you and me and I don't ever want that to happen. I've ended all contact with him and I've blocked his email so he can't reach me. I will erase his address from my account but I wanted to tell you first."

I wouldn't use the word affair, at least not to begin with. For men that conjures up images of sex and he might assume that there was more that went on than there really was. If he calls it an affair, then don't argue... agree, apologize and validate his feelings.

Now the big thing is what to do going forward. I'm hopeful that this incident will not dredge up a lot of nasty resentment and anger. If it does, we'll deal with it. Either way there are things that need to be addressed.

First, are the conditions that led to you getting in this place. Some of that you talk about changing but you are missing some very key elements.

Time alone as a couple. You need a MINIMUM of 15 hours each week giving each other your undivided attention and meeting the needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

Yes, I know that's hard with kids. I have 4 still at home and right now 2 of them are in football... you don't even want to hear about our schedule... but you need to do this. Nothing else you can do will restore or maintain the feelings of romantic love if you skip this step. Figure it out, find a way, do it. Nothing is more important to the future of your kids than this.

Two... where was I?... oh yeah.... sorry, long day...LOL... Honesty. You each need to share with each other how you feel about what the other does. Good and bad. You do that by saying "I feel ___ when ____." Nicely, politely, courteously.

Three.... following POJA and negotiating to get what you need and want. Right on the heels of honesty is how to make all your choices in a way that takes each others feelings into account.

Communication in marriage is highly overrated. If you have good communication and don't use that information to make adjustments to create a lifestyle that works wonderfully for both of you at the same time it's really not worth the time and trouble to talk about it.

Ok, there's a start. There's quite a bit that I've written about POJA if you're interested I'll find the threads and link them for you.

I'm curious about a couple of things. You and your H are both very young and you've had three children already. It's unusual in our culture today... I had my first three when I was 19, 21 and 22... but I think you are younger than that even. And then you made a statement about starting over.... starting over from what? What happened?

Also saw that you had a little one that died. I did too, I'm sorry, I know how terribly devastating that is.

Good luck, let me know how it turns out and how I can help.

All the best,

C

Thanks for answering. To answer your questions
-------
You and your H are both very young and you've had three children already. It's unusual in our culture today... I had my first three when I was 19, 21 and 22... but I think you are younger than that even. And then you made a statement about starting over.... starting over from what? What happened?
---------

I got pregnant when I was 16, had my daughter at 17 *she is now 2. sigh* got pregnant with my son at 18 (he was my birthday present. lol) at him at 18, got pregnant with my angel 2 months after I had my son, lost her (had a feeling the baby was a girl) on MOther's day *happy freaking mother's day.* at 10weeks (pregnant)

We decided to start over bc lately everything has been going downhill. Mostly since I lost my baby. I kissed another guy (H knows..the OM emailed him before I could tell him), hurt H deeply, we are recovering from that. I told him 2 weeks ago (?? i think it was 2 weeks ago) that I was thinking about leaving bc all we do is fight, he controls everything in my life (from how many tattoos i can have -- the way i keep house), and I wasnt happy. We talked about that, and that's why we are deciding to "start over". does that make sense? we both feel like we are the loves of each other life (he is 26 btw). Yes I know we are young, but we are really best friends.

I hope I answered all your questions, and thanks again for replying. And I am sorry for your loss.

Y1