I don't know what I want to do. Oh yes I do, I want to be able to trust my husband. I want to be in a loving relationship. Oh no fair!!! That is a cheat answer that is always right!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> LOL
Plan B? Never have done a Plan A. Are these done just for viewing porn? The EA ended over 7 months ago. There hasn't been any contact that I am aware of. Well then, I guess it's time for a dose of PlA for you. Yeah, it's fine to use with porn, although I would tend to say that it's not so much PlA as plain and simple Plan MB. So that's what we'll call it. Like PlA requires that YOU change what and how you do things. And I'm not talking about being nice and meeting needs, I'm talking about becoming vulnerable through honesty and sharpening your own skills at negotiating for what you want.
He has agreed to install a spyware on the computer. Of course he can always do it elsewhere, but I think that's possible in any situation.I think that demonstrates good faith and willingness. But let me ask this... why spyware? That only tells you where he's been, why not a filter AND spyware. Then much of the bad stuff is disallowed and you get to see what he's doing in email etc.
I am tired of getting on the computer and seeing a "website" he has been to. Or a link he has emailed himself but denied doing it. I am tired of spending so much negative energy looking, wondering, being angry.....Yeah, I'm sure you are. It's wearing. Plan MB is proactive so I'm hopeful you will feel better just by taking some steps. And then if that doesn't work in the next 8-12 weeks or so we can talk PlB... unless you're really struggling before then.
So here is the Plan:
Honesty, honesty, honesty..... that is the foundation, You need to let your husband know how you feel about the choices and decisions he is making. This is touchy... it's not about judging him or telling him what you think of those things... that's disrespectful... it's about letting him know how you FEEL. Did you see the list of feeling words I posted a while ago? You need those.... print them off.
Here is the method. When he does something you like or don't like you say, "I feel <word from list> when <whatever the behavior or choice is>."
Now there are some important things to keep in mind. You must be calm, courteous and respectful NO MATTER WHAT. If he gets defensive and angry or lashes out at you in any way you say, "I'm sorry you are upset. I'm not telling you what to do, I just want you to know how I feel."
Write those things down and practice on the little stuff.... "Honey, I'm unhappy that the bag of chips is left open on the counter." The words feel really wrong at first. I had a hard time getting my mouth to make those shapes, but you can do it. It gets easier as time goes on.
The next step... POJA... have you read about it? I've written quite a bit here and more at EN, let me know if you want the links and I'll see if I can dig them up.
Here is the reading at the main site, start there.
POJA There are more links from this one I'm sure.
Here's the gist of it, and here's what I want from you.
POJA "Never DO anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse."
If you are not both thrilled with the choices you make about your life, then you do nothing until you can negotiate to that point. We can talk more about that... but here's what I want from you.... over the weekend do not DO anything you're not entirely thrilled with. Do nothing instead.
You don't have to attemnpt to teach this to your spouse. For the weekend all you have to say is, "That isn't really going to work for me, so I'll pass."
And then... before you do anything, check with him to see how he feels about it. This is not asking permission, it's a reality check on how your choices will feel to your spouse. So you say, "How would you feel about <insert whatever it is you want>"
If he's thrilled then do it. If not don't do it. If you can't find something you're both enthusiastic about, do nothing.
The other parts of Plan MB are spending 15 hours a week giving each other your undivided attention and meeting the needs of Conv, Aff, RC, and SF, eliminating lbers and meeting needs... and we'll get to those. But honesty and POJA are the basic foundation.... so let's start with that.
Let me know how the weekend goes. Taking these steps rocks the boat, changes the status quo and tends to make things look worse than they have in the past. That's ok... stay calm, be courteous. If we don't make waves we can't make change.
C
