If you will peruse this website thoroughly, you will find that Harley is an advocate of what he calls "Radical Honesty". It means you must tell him. If my wife had not told me about her affair, I probably would have left her, because the barrier to intimacy her dishonesty produced was becoming intolerable to me - even though I did not know she was involved in an affair.
You need to know that the 5-1/2 years of not telling him will probably make things worse, beause he will feel like he has been living a lie. This is just to warn you. You still need to tell. Every day you delay makes it worse.
Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" helped us save our marriage, helped my wife understand why she had an affair, and taught us what we needed to do to have a great marriage (actually doing it is another thing, of course...). The book "Torn Asunder", by Carder has a great example of how an unconfessed affair can damage a marriage. You will definitely resonate with the story. But your experience of dishonesty surrounding an affair being a barrier to intimacy is typical. To wit:
From: “Husbands and Wives; Exploding Marital Myths, Deepening Love and Desire” by Dr. Melvyn Kinder and Dr. Connell Cowan (UCLA Clinical Psychologist, and Univ. of Houston Clinical Psychologist.): </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> “Let us state at the outset that affairs are terribly destructive not only to marriages but to the individuals involved as well.”
“The most basic effect of an affair on one’s marriage is estrangement. Some people think a lack of trust is the ultimate legacy, but that assumes that the affair becomes known. The fact is that most affairs go undetected. Most husbands and wives will never really know for sure whether their love one has been faithful or not.
“Affairs are inherently dishonest; they all involve varying degrees of subterfuge and deception. Maintaining the “secret” requires an enormous amount of energy even if the unfaithful party does not think so. We have spoken with and counseled many men and women who at first insist they are carrying it off well. The report little or no guilt and are convinced the affair does not negatively affect their relationship at home. This is absolute nonsense!”
In order to keep an affair hidden you are forever walking around with a secret that burns inside. Imagine having a liaison, then coming home, making love with your spouse, and at the height of lovemaking saying “I love you.” Pretty hard to do, isn’t it? Yet millions of men and women have experienced that very moment. What must that do to a person’s sense of honor, integrity, character?”
“As for those who insist they feel little or no guilt, they are deceiving themselves. Guilt is not always conscious. Husbands or wives who play around may feel hidden guilt, which manifests itself in irritability, argumentativeness, with one’s spouse, or vague and ill-defined feeling of depression and self-loathing.”
... Many people cannot handle the inner burden of lies and deception, so one day they blurt out the truth. As with any wrongdoing there is always a concomitant need to confess. Some people will simply tell the truth, while others will unconsciously set up a situation that will expose them. The effect on one’s spouse is the same regardless: shock, intense pain, rage, and doubt that this hurt can ever heal and trust be reestablished.” </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
