I found out that back in February my H had an A . 4 mo's of reading Dr. Harvey's principles and working on recovery (feeling alone at it I may add) and working towards making myself believe I am worthy enough of keeping my H and family together..
I find out 2 days ago that it was more then just an A. Since before we were married he has played the field. He has snuck sexual comments to a lot of my female friends. Bragged about his experiences to his male friends. Continued to let me believe he loved me enough to have two very young daughters with him, give 7 years to being a devoted wife, the caregiver, the sole bread winner, the everything!
I have played more then just the "male" role when it comes to stability in our home & this whole time people have been watching me get played for a fool.
I am devestated. I have kicked him out straight on his a$$ with only the clothes on his back. I am filing for divorce just as soon as I can come up with the money for the filing fee's and everything else involved. I'm going to establish court ordered joint custody of your two girls (5, and 2 mind you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) and try so very hard through all this betrayal to move on.
I guess what hurts the most is that not only have I been played for a fool, I've been put at risk for many diseases and I'm soo scared to go get checked although I don't show any symptoms and have just been checked in May when discovering his (what i thought of ONLY) affair & all came up clean. (I know it's best to go again)
I feel like I don't know who my friends are anymore b/c for a while they have known of his ways when I wasn't around and never clued me in to any of it until it was too late. Some of which played along w/ him, either had the A with him (while I was 4 mo's pregnant w/ our second child) or condoned it by never looking out for me.
I am so angry. I feel like he is a piece of dog crap on the side of the road that the rain doesn't want to bless me enough to wash him downstream into the sewers!
I'm so hurt. I don't know what to do with myself. I drifting from work..I'm barely eating, I feel disgusting. I don't know which or whom (besides the good lord)to turn to who would possibly understand.
How do you just wake up and realize that you have been in love with a person who has betrayed you so. A dream, a fantasy is what I was in love with. This whole time from jump start he has never been committed to me. I'm loosing people that I thought were friends of mine (that I loved too) and I have to be a single, divorced, alone mother of 2 at age 22~ Why?
I'm sorry I'm just venting...
Can anyone give me any advise on how to cope with this situation?
I know the devil is trying to lead me astray and I've been praying not to listen. Depression is starting to hit in I can feel it and I feel worthless, fat, ugly, stupid...humiliated...
I can't go on like this. I have divorced him in my mind and in my heart I still love him..but I hate him too. I told him I wish to have no contact w/ him at all other then disgussing or seeing our children. I haven't told him I will be filing yet (for either) it has only been 2 days..(well for me at least, he's probally laying up with someone as we speak). <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
<small>[ September 11, 2003, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: FINDING_CLARITY ]</small>
