Hi,
I was told to post over in this column...so that maybe I could get more answers. I have been so frustrated not getting much in the way of help. I have started on Plan A...in answer to questions, I have told H I know about the affair...he continues to tell me "nothing is going on here" his family, could care less...they are not close at all..our children, my son 24 knows all about it, his daugher 22, from a previous marriage also knows, both kids grew up together since they were each 2 and 5, they both have said they think this is really "messed up" on his part...I have mentioned to both that I also have problems that I am trying to fix as we speak, so even though he is blaming me for everything, I am doing my part to fix my end. H still wants this divorce, filed in two weeks time. Going for hearing in Oct. I will be gone by that time to another state, so I do not have to appear. I still need answers here...this "internet affair" has been going on now for well over a year, he started chatting w/OW in a game room, they got friendly,or should I say a "bit too friendly" talking sex, then he tried to send a video of himself, didn't know how to send it, I found it in my email, confronted both he and her, he apologized and begged for forgiveness, she got called every name in the book. She also asked my forgiveness. I forgave, like a fool, allowed her to come here for 9 days vacation, OW fell in love w/this state, wants to move here when her H retires in two years. Relationship continues online, OW sends cd's of love songs, calls on the phone, etc. Finally, H asked me for divorce suddenly, filed within two weeks. Says it was all my fault, but now states that its not. We are still under same roof, until Oct.11 my move out date. We are amicable, H has gotten romantic w/me..states "remember, this means nothing, I just want to make the best of a bad situation"...keeps telling me this constantly...OW husband has no idea what is happening, he did however know about their "sex talk" and he forgave her...(what a blind fool) I really feel for him...signs are everywhere here. The cd's, she IM's me(cause she thinks we are friends) keeps asking if we are still intimate, does he say he still loves me, and this is the best one "well I have a feeling he still loves you" I laughed at that one to myself. I have seen IM's of his, she is talking about "can't wait to see you for Thanksgiving" (H is going out there to go hunting w/OW husband!) and when my H was cleaning out our shed, OW stated on IM "just think of me helping you cleaning out her stuff!" I was blown away but said nothing...just walked away...so here I sit wondering, waiting...and looking for answers...

Hey Annmarie,

I have to be out today, unexpectedly, and I'm not sure how long I'll be gone. Bump this for me Monday if I don't see it and don't answer before then.

C

Annmarie,

You need to contact her husband and let him know everything that you know. I would do that today.

I would reccomend against moving out of your house unless you are afraid of being hurt. If he wants out and he wants a divorce then make him leave.

I don't know what state you're in, but I would also not sign or agree to any divorce papers or proceedings. Don't make it easy for him.

Your husband has an addiction. To this woman for sure, and possibly to cybersex as well. Are there other uses of porn or online sex?

Fill me in a little on how you are doing and how you are feeling about your hubby in general. I think you have some Plan A left in you and I'd like to see what we could do with that.

C

Hi,
Thanks for the response...I would say yes to your question, there has been cyber sex and yes I also think he is addicted to it....I've already signed the papers so too late for that one...and I really want out of this place I can't stand the nightly love songs that he listens too with his "honey"...its driving me away...I am trying to be strong but its very hard here..

Hi Annmarie,

If you are feeling that way and you've done all those things then it's time for Plan B.

You do need to contact her husband and let him know what is going on. To let your husband go out there and go hunting with him is a really bad idea. And I would be sure to let your husband know that you told her spouse.... after you do it. But two men with guns who are having sex with the same woman really not a good plan.

So then about you. You are out of the house soon? Can you do it sooner? Here are the guidelines for Plan B letter, if you want to write it and post it I'd be happy to look at it before you send it. And be sure to make it short and to the point, this isn't the time or place to write a letter about how much you love him or how good it used to be or could be in the future.

PBL Guidelines:

• I love you.
• I married you for life. I want to stay married to you
• I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.
• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you.
• As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future.
• Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever
• In an emergency you can reach me through______.
• Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.

I know exactly what you are going through, my husband also started his online affair via an internet game areaOO. Told me a few months back that he was having feelings for a OW on there. I cried but forgot about it, because she lived in NY and he would never meet her. He started driving a Semi again, and was layout over a weekend 15 minutes from her home. They met, but he lied about it for a few weeks until we got until a fight. 2 weeks later, he demanded that he go to MI to her fathers birthday party, he and his wife also play this game...I asked if I could go and he said no, they were his friends and I didn't even know them. When he was there I called to talk to him, because I got the phone bill and got their number...It pissed him off so bad. He said he had to do damage control the whole next day. I asked why if they were only friends, he had no answer. He called me the next day and asked me for a divorce. Since then he has come home, and said he realized how much he loved me and my kids and that he didn't want to move out. he continues to talk to her everyday on the phone and on-line and is telling me it is unfair for me to stop him from having friends. I told him that friends don't profess their undying lover for each other, or lie to their spouses about meeting and whats going on. Her spouse knows nothing about whats going on. I often think of calling and letting him know, but then he will kick her out and I'm afraid my H and her will then be together. I also fell into the trap of the sex together...At first he said the same thing that it didn't mean anything and for me to not read anything into it. This past Sat night is when he begged for my forgiveness and put my wedding rings back on.

As far as your situation, for your own self preservation, stop the sex w/him...It makes you secure for the moment, but it will eventually get you...

Thanks llbit for your reply, I see so many people getting hurt by this damn internet. It just irks the crap out of me! I know that my situation now unfortunately is not going to work, period, end of story. Its gotten to the point now where, he's so far into this damn WENCH that he can't even turn his head to talk to me when he's on here! I hate that! I know what your saying about the sex, and yes, it will stop, its just a security blanket so to speak. He is usually the one who initiates it(what a surprise!) so I will definately put a stop to that. I have noticed though that he is having alot of sleepness nights. I usually wake up to go to the bathroom and his light is on at the other end of the house. So something is bothering him! He's usually never one to wake up at night. Oh well, sorry to hear about your situation, bottom line I agree w/alot of people here, I think that you need to stop the affair in its tracts in order to be able to work things out. Mine has really gone on way too long and gone too far for that I think. In my heart of hearts, I think all in all this was a wake up call, a blessing, that God wants me to go in another direction in life, a better one for me.....

Ann,
That is your Taker talking. God doesn't want you to wake up and leave your marriage, that doesn't make sense. But you do need to take some proactive steps to both help him put an end to the addiction and to protect yourself.

Call the husband. Let your husband know that you did so. They are heading into a potentially volatile and dangerous situation, Write the PBL and get yourself out of there and away from the pain. Then we can talk about if there's hope in the future.

C

Ann, I have been here before with my husband, this is the 4th computer we have owned, because we keep getting rid of them to avoid this internet stuff. It is bull I agree, I don't understand how someone can let it take over total control of their life. My H, was actually not letting me in the room where the computer was, because of what was going on on-line. He is back, and he is telling me all this line of crap, and yes I fell for it, but last night, he shut me out again. he bought a new computer, took off all his characters on the one, and gave it to me and the kids to use. he said he was tired of me getting into everything and spying on him. I asked if he's doing nothing wrong, then theres nothing to hide...He just looked at me. I believe that at some point you do have to say enough is enough, I just don't have the guts...I did it, but then he came back and worked on me for about 3 weeks, now I don't know what to do...How to get the trust back...He said that I thought everything was settled and I explained that yes we agreed to try and make it work, but that we have not discussed anything and we can't just brush it under the table...I left a bunch of stuff printed from this site for him to read when he was off today. Not sure if it will do any good. Hang in there. If you need to talk, I'll be on later tonight....

Hi once again llbit, wow, I just cannot believe that you are on your fourth computer! Man, what the hell is this man of yours thinking? He's just got you so convinced that nothing is going on yet he continues to rip your heart out. I wonder what he will do when he sees those things you left. Unfortunately for me, I cannot be on this computer at night, since he's on here w/the WENCH so I am usually on during the day. I truly think that your husband is toying with your heartstrings, telling you things are fine, yet you can't go into that room w/the computer??? That's bullcrap! Same here with me, the minute I come into this room, the IM disappears I kept asking why he did that and got"because everytime I leave it there YOU take things out of context and turn it all around"..."nothing is going on"...to that I say YA RIGHT...and I fell off the turnip truck when??? There are WAY too many signs here, have been for a long time now, PLEASE don't play me the fool and treat me like a dumb blonde, sorry if your a blonde, but I am. It just irks the crap out of me that he is treating me this way after all these years together(21)..he's a totally changed man now, one that I am beginning to not like, one that is truly not the person I married, or loved all of these years. Its like alot of people say about internet affairs, they are all based on lies and deceit, they never last and eventually the lies will catch up to them and bite them in the A**! Unfortunately, yes, he will be going out there to visit in November for a "hunting trip"...what happens I do not not know, but I will not be there to come back too. Its like the old saying "you made your bed, now you lie in it"...I am willing to talk and be there, but that's as far as it goes now, I have been hurt to much and too deep to turn around and go back. Fortunately, my son and his daughter are both grown young adults and on their own now. I just hate hearing when there are young children involved they are the ones who usually take the brunt of all the hurt between couples...and that is truly very sad. I wish I had a majic potion to make it all go away, but I don't...I can only go forward now and pray that my life will be better in a better place...and if by chance he wakes up, I can only wish him well and hope that he never puts another through what he's done to me....hope that this helps you some, I am here if you need to vent...during the day....thanks again for listening...

Hi Cerri;
Thanks for your reply. I will do the things that you ask and can only hope that they help. I agree that the "hunting trip" is a volatile situation but its his decision. I will try to get ahold of the husband and hope that this trip doesn't happen...but I will be sure to write this letter that you have left the guidelines for...unfortunately, I cannot be out of here before Oct.11. That is the date that I can move into my new apt. and not before then. So let's just see what happens. I think the guidelines are really to the point so to speak and yes, I agree it should be short and sweet. I will post and let you know what happens....thanks again

Hi Annmarie,

I agree that the "hunting trip" is a volatile situation but its his decision.

Ok... I'll be blunt here... I'm worried about someone getting killed. It happens and it happens often when passions are involved... like someone having sex with your wife. My ethical stance is that you have an obligation to do what you can to make sure this situation doesn't play out.

I will try to get ahold of the husband and hope that this trip doesn't happen...

Please, please do that. Perhaps I'm seeing danger where there is none, but we would all be horrified if something did happen and we missed an opportunity to ward it off.

I will be sure to write this letter that you have left the guidelines for...unfortunately, I cannot be out of here before Oct.11.

Then let's get the letter written between then and now. And continue to work on Plan A. Confront with what you know, how you know it and how you feel, expose to as many as you can, avoid demands, disrespect and angry outbursts and do your best to be kind and courteous... meet needs if you can.

I think the guidelines are really to the point so to speak and yes, I agree it should be short and sweet. I will post and let you know what happens....thanks again

If you want to post the letter here for me to look at I'd be happy to do so.

Good luck!

C

Thanks again Cerri here is my letter please don't hesitate to tell me what is right and what is wrong here:

Dear Ken;
I am sitting down to write this letter to you today because I think alot needs to be said. You know that I personally have an easier time writing things down rather than speaking them directly.
First, I want you to know that I love you. When we got married I took our vows very seriously and vowed that I would be married to you for the rest of my life. I want to stay married to you because I love you. I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and am willing to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.
This ongoing thing with Janet is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you.
As soon as this affair/fling/friendship whatever label you want to put on it is over I would love to talk with you about our future. Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever other than my personal mail being sent to me.
In an emergency you can reach me through the mail and that is all or if it is a dire emergency let Katie know and she can reach me by phone.

Annmarie

Annmarie,

Your letter is fine. You could add some words about how this A and this experience have been the most painful thing you've had to endure, ever.

How are you planning to give it to him?

C

Hi Cerri;
Thanks for your reply. I will be sure to add that little bit more...I don't honestly know how I am planning on giving it to him...any suggestions?????

Cerri,

I've been reading a lot of your posts trying to figure this plan A/b out and I'm utterly confused.

In your signature, the quote reads :
"When your spouse is trying to decide between you and the lover, it's time for Plan B."
...Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD.

When your husband is still seeing the OW, isn't that trying to decide between she and I? Should I go straight to Plan B if this is the case? I don't understand plan A if its not all about being nice and working on yourself.
The rules state I shouldn't make demands, but isn't demanding he not see her common sense? I'm all for plan A once he stops seeing her, but i know I'm missing the point. And can plan A be carried out if he leaves the family home?