Great! H is having another night of, "I can't get to sleep, attacks. The last time this happened he told me about his infidelity two weeks later. For two weeks the man tossed and turned, couldn't get to sleep, he would panic and I(the fool) would give him back rubs, foot rubs and feets rubs to help him calm down. <P>I noticed his strange behavior when we went out to do some shopping. His idea and when we got to one store immediately inside he acted strange. Said he didn't feel good. I looked at him and he didn't want to stay long. I bought what I had to and left. <P>When we returned home he was on computer trying to download a program and seemed distant. Before that he was real aggitated.<BR>Me and D just shrugged our shoulders and didn't give any bad feedback as to make matters worse. <P>Then he goes to bed and within 15 to 20 minutes is saying he can't sleep and is driving me crazy with it. I asked him if anything is wrong. Says, "No." Later I asked him if he wanted to talk. Answer, "NO."<BR>Lord, it is like I am living this all over again. I said before I didn't think he was telling me everything and I cannot get that feeling out of my head.<P>I am wondering if I am going to have another<BR>bomb dropped on me days before Christmas. There has been no upset between us. I have been extra nice and he has been happy about that. So why can't he sleep? No answer needed for that question. I'm just thinking outloud. <P>Now I can't sleep due to the extra knot I feel in my stomach. Something is bothering this man and he won't tell me. I just wish he would and get it over with. The wondering is driving me crazy. HE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!

Oh, man. Sorry I wasn't here! I know how horrible those "feelings" are and still have some sleepless nights.<P>I know it's not easy to do, but, like grandma said, don't "borrow trouble". It could very well be that he's got some things troubling him that he just can't seem to sort out. Happens to me, you know?<P>You can't help but let it worry you some, but see what happens. Keep being your wonderful self (and hey, I don't think all the massages are a bad idea at all) and watch this pass. There's ALWAYS that possibility, you know?<P>Hang in there, ok? <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{D}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

Thanks Lostva for your reply. I'm trying not to let it get to me. This morning when he getting ready for work I asked him if he slept okay. Then he got nervous again and began to studder and confuse his words as he tried to talk. He got really nervous. Not a normal reaction. <P>I probably should have let this go, but I said to him why he was getting so nervous. He got angry and said I should believe him. I then reminded him how strange he acted when we went to the store last night and he denied this and refused to talk. Doesn't act like a man with nothing to hide. And before yesterday he was fine. Or so it seemed. <P>This Plan A is getting harder all the time.<BR>Especially when he acts like this. I am not allowed to express any of my insecure feelings or ask him about anything that bothers me without getting a bad reaction from him. I'm suppose to just forget and move on and block it out like he wants. HE<BR>wants. <P>Don't my feelings count for anything. He went to work without saying goodbye, kiss my @ss or anything else. He is acting like he doesn't care at all what I am feeling. So I am NOT suppose to feel like this. Just let it eat up my insides. <P>What a way to start the day. Sometimes I think he holds on to this marriage because it is more convenient for him than another divorce. Plus the fact he loves money and my parents are well off in that area and he knows what I stand to inherit. Of course he says that doesn't matter to him, but he does dream a lot about what all we will be able to do someday with ALL that money. <P>I don't think about it nor do I care. Because when I do come into this of what I will lose. My parents. Some compensation for losing the ones who love you most. That is why I don't make plans for this right now I don't like the thought of not having them around. But that doesn't stop him from voicing his dreams. <P>It seems he has such a hard time making me feel important in his life. Just be happy and don't make him feel uncomfortable, right.<BR>But inside I am dying a little more each time he treats me like this and reacts with aggitation and anger towards me instead of being a comfort and reasurring. Am I asking too much from him?

hi devastated, give him some room, some space to sort his feelings out before he tries to talk to you. Sometimes it takes people awhile to understand why they are agitated so they are unable to share. Just let him know that you are there, available, and will be a good listener when he is ready to talk. This is hard to do!! You want to hear it now, get to the root of the issue, but he is still trying to find his own thoughts. Make the environment as comfortable as you can, offer support, but don't crowd him. No LBs!!!! <BR>Sending positive energy, you will need it! cl

My guess (& gut feeling) is that he spotted OW inside the store when you went shopping. That would explain the immediate change in behaviour once he entered the store, and why he insisted upon leaving so suddenly.<P>I think he is caught up in a whirlwind of guilt and fear. Guilt over his EMA, fear that you would discover who the OW is through a chance meeting (or deliberate on the OW's part) someplace... I think the EMA is likely ongoing & although he relieved some of his guilt by partially confessing, he is now suffering more guilt at realising how badly his lie could hurt you... Many betrayers commonly try to downplay their EMAs by claiming it was a "one-night stand" when it actually was far more than that - it's a very common (classic, even) lie. <P>I personally think you should calmly ask your H for the truth, and tell him that he has 24 hours to think about what he has to share and how he wishes to share it. Tell him you don't want to discuss anything until he's had time to think. Assure him that you only want total honesty and disclosure in your marriage, as without it marriage simply doesn't work or have meaning, and that you deserve such honourable treatment as his wife and life partner. <P>HTH<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

Hi CL;<P>With the way I feel right now I don't think I will say a word about this morning or last night. Just let it gooooooo. <P>He obiviously can't face the truth and I am so tired of getting into a confrontation with him. He just isn't willing to change that much. Just pacifying me with little bits and pieces of attention. Like asking me to marry him again. Yeah, I said yes, but I hesitated. Why, because things are not right. He doesn't spend any quality time with me, just in the same house. Guess that's quality time to him. <P>I've been writing so much in my journal I need another one. This book is almost filled. I have always had to hide my journals before because he would get them and read them. And then go off on a tangent if I wrote something negative about him without reading further. He also would listen in on my phone calls. Hell, you think I was being unfaithful to him wouldn't you. But this has never crossed my mind. And I have never given him a reason to even suspect me of this. <P>But now I leave my journal out and he has never once picked it up to look at it. Doesn't want to know how I'm feeling. <P>So I will give him space. And give him his gifts at Christmas. Bought the @ss&*!! some very nice things too. And as for our anniversary I am having a new wedding band engraved with, 'I love you' on the inside.<BR>Don't know if this will have much meaning to him, but I thought I would give it a try.<P>He doen't wear his old wedding ring and hasn't in a long time. It doesn't fit anymore. I couldn't get it resized because it has a complex design all around it and it would be ruined if the jeweler resized it.<P>So, I will be NICE and SWEET and no LB's.<BR>My heart won't be in this right now because of how he made me feel. But Plan A, Plan A,<BR>Plan A. Kill him with kindness. Just wish it wasn't killing ME.<P>Sorry I ranted on. I want ME back again!!!!

Elixir;<P>I just read your post and yes, I do think he saw OW in this store, because he acted so strange. If not something or someone reminded him of her. And I have wondered it this EMA went on longer that just a ONE NIGHT STAND. And sometimes wonder if he still has contact with her or not. Said it was someone he didn't know. But I am not sure I really believe that anymore. I know the kind of women he is attracted to and some bar slut just doesn't fit. And he is forty four years old and doing it in HER car as he said like teenagers? <P>It could have happened that way, but, COME ON! I was out of town remember for two weeks. And a couple of times when I would call I talked to D and he wasn't home. She said she guessed he was still at work. And one night when I talked to her she said Dad went to the library and wasn't home yet. And he got so defensive when I asked him what night this happened on. He says he can't remember then says it was on a Thursday, then he doesn't know again. Won't be honest on that either. Is it possible to get an STD from someone after one contact? Call me nieve, but I don't know about such things really. I can not trust him and he isn't helpling to have trust.<P>Yes, I would love to do what you suggested about the 24 hours to think about what he has to tell me. But he will insist on having NOTHING to say. So we don't talk. That would suit me just fine right now. Because if I had a colt .45 I would. . . No, I couldn't do that. I'm hurt, angry, and tired. And hanging on that cliff with white knuckles watching my sanity fall piece by piece. Must find a creative outlet to disperse this NEGATIVE ENERGY!!!!!!<P>Thought about contacting a psychic to see if they could pick up on the TRUTH. No anyone?

Elixir;<P>I mean do you KNOW anyone? Sorry for typo,<BR>I'm losing it.

Elixir;<P>I mean do you KNOW anyone? Sorry for typo,<BR>I'm losing it.

SEEE, I don't know how I posted this twice.<BR>I only wrote it once. I need more cigarettes. I'm about out thanks to D*%$Head.<BR>No he doesn't smoke. But I have been like a chimney since this whole thing. It's the only bad vice I have and don't think I could quit now.

I don't know any <I>real</I> psychics. I do, however, know of a lot of charlatans out there who will be content to tell you whatever they feel you should/want to hear the most, and take your $$$... Stay away from psychics, fortune readers, etc. - when it comes to your own life you are your own best seer!<P>You are your own best psychic when it comes to your own life. Think about the feelings you've had in your heart about situations you've experienced in the past - how often were your feelings/insights correct? I'd be willing to bet you were right where you were concerned/involved more often than not. Put your faith in your heart and your intellect - after all, you are your own best ally and friend, if you only allow yourself to trust yourself.<P>Concerning the affair: no, I don't believe it was a one-night stand either. You know your husband pretty well. If what he told you doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. If you feel there still may be ongoing contact, it may very well be that he has contact with her via work or via e-mail or internet chat. It is true that EMAs make people behave strangely: trysts in the backseat of a car happen during EMAs quite often - actually, it's a telltale sign that the affair isn't a matter of the heart, it's more of a physical attraction/affair (lust, no love). <P>Considering that he was behaving strangely & unaccountably disappeared (& often) for the two-week period of time you were away, says to me that the EMA was already happening <I>well before</I> your trip. I believe he has been involved in quite a long-term EMA which only recently you have discovered. Only now, though, has he dropped out of the "fantasy" world that those in EMAs commonly comfortably hide in, and reality (hurting his wife, his family, etc.) scares him. Thus his intense guilt, fear, and defensiveness. Suddenly he has realised just how much he has placed in jeopardy with his actions, and it scares him to death! I think he is busy trying to figure a way out so that everything doesn't fall apart and it I think it tortures him to know that he has risked so very much for so little... <P>Concerning STDs - yes, you can catch any STD from even one uprotected (& sometimes even protection doesn't matter) sexual contact. You have a right to know with whom your H has had sexual contact with because it directly affects your life and health. Your H owes it to you to get himself tested for STDs ASAP, and I recommend that you do so as well. Until you are sure he's faithful, I'd recommend using a condom just in case.<P>I would also insist upon the full disclosure. If he insists upon telling you nothing, then I think you should insist instead upon joint counselling. Perhaps in a more neutral setting he may feel more comfortable with total and honest disclosure.<P>HTH; I gotta run to the bank... Stay strong! <P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

Thanks Elixir for your response and H has already been tested and retested. No signs of any STD and I went immediately the next day to doctor after disclosure of his infidelity to get all the tests done. I am in the clear on that thank goodness.<P>And you are right I have to trust my own instincts on this. I hate it because everytime I feel this way I find out I am right. God, please, I hope not this time but it is eating at me so bad. I hate him(H).<BR>And I love him and that makes this hurt so bad.

Elixir,<P>I guess I should clarify on the STD, H did test positive first time. That is why he had to be restested to ensure it was gone after medication. I was on medication until my tests came back as a safe guard. We have used protection ever since because of the AIDS factor. Have to wait until April or May to test for that. GREAT.<P>If he had not had signs of an STD I don't think he would have told me anything. This scared the living s#@t out of him. So he broke down and told me what he did. What a guy.

Devistated2,<BR> I relate so much to what you are going through. And I too have been a chimney since this began. LOL. I am also irritated by the fact that he does and says all the hurtful things he wants but my feelings have never and will never be expressed. <BR> I keep saying to myself how unfair is this. he never asks me how I am feeling He** he does not want to know. But I have to kiss his a** every day all day. And even when you think you have the whole truth we never really do. <BR> I am sorry I have not been a help at all. It is just when I read your post I felt so much was the same with us. <P><P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

SOMS;<P>Thanks for your reply. Yes, I too feel I have to pucker up all the time and it does not seem fair at all. I didn't get into anything with him tonight. My SIL came over for a visit and needed to talk, has some problems of her own. <P>H is now acting like everything is just dandy. S*#KHead. Sorry, I probably shouldn't be like that but I can't help it. If I am not able to express my feelings then I have to disspell this somehow. He is asleep for now and everytime I pass the bedroom door I flip him off. Wish he could see it but that would be an LB. So. . . I do it like this and somehow I feel a tiny bit better. Not much though. <P>I had to walk on his back tonight before he went to bed. Wanted to do it with my boots on but...........

You are too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I responded to you on my post too.

SOMS:<P>Thanks, I'm trying to find a sense of humor in all this or I WILL go completely mad.<P>Got your message from your other post. Thanks again, you will be hearing from me.<P>

hi devastated, how are you feeling today? I am laughing...it is good to get those feelings out but not TO him. Just at him!! Flipping him off is good. Picture his face on a golf ball right before you swing. That is fun too. <BR>It really is a good sign that you have your sense of humor intact!! Hang in there-it is not easy, but it is do-able. <BR>(((hugs))) cl