I'm 6 months pregnant, married nearly 5 years, had no inkling that there was anything wrong with our marriage, but discovered the affair about 2 months ago (physical and emotional). Since that discovery, I have found out that he knew this woman for at least 2 years, although I do not believe that anything really happened between them until about April of this year. We have tried to talk about it and are going to counseling but he is still having a hard time letting me know what I want to know. In his defense, I can say that I am not handling any of the information I receive well and have even been to the point where the police had to come out and take my gun out of the house because I completely lost control.

He has said in counseling that he does not feel comfortable with telling me any information because he is afraid of my reaction and he doesn't see how it can help and it is true that with every new thing I discover, I go a little more over the edge and do say and threaten some horrible things. Although, logically, I realize that this is not the way to proceed, I can't seem to stop myself from doing these things. I know that the pregnancy is part of the reason I am acting so crazy, but this coupled with the fact that I have been off of my anti-depressant medication since I became pregnant is really throwing me over the edge.

Some of the more painful things I have found out about the affair are that the OW thought she was pregnant at one point, that she is 10 years my junior and that he gave her a ring. (He won't say what kind, says it was some cheap silver ring that cost about $30 and is no big deal, it was just some gift he got for her, there was no hidden meaning/attachment, etc.) As irrational as it is, I want that ring. Not because I want to wear it, I just don't want to know that she is out there wearing a ring that MY husband gave her. Of course, there is no reason why she should give it back and if it were me, I'd tell him where he could go if he ever asked for it.

I do believe there has been no contact at least for the last 3 or 4 weeks, and H is trying to be better by being nicer, more attentive, helping with the house, telling me he loves me, accounting for every minute, etc. I asked him last night if he started the physical affair before he knew I was pregnant, he said yes, I asked if he thought about stopping it when he found out, he said "no, because you've always miscarried and I really didn't think you'd be able to keep this baby". (We have been trying to have a child for years and I also tried for several years in my previous marriage which ended after infidelity, by the way). I can't believe he can say such callous things, to me it is as if he is saying that he wasn't too sure I'd really be having his child, so he went ahead. I remained calm, though. I asked him after we had the first ultrasound and he saw the baby and we were told there was no reason why I couldn't carry the baby to term, did he think of stopping the affair then. He said that he didn't think about it, that he didn't connect both of those things together. He says he doesn't know why it happened, says he loves me, always has, didn't stop, but was feeling unloved, ignored and rejected sexually, so when he found someone who listened to him, who was nice and always sounded happy to hear from him and was also willing to be his sex partner, he jumped at the chance.

He says he does not love her (although I have found letters/emails he sent saying he did and that he needed her and his feelings were too strong for him to handle, etc.) He says he said those things because he just wanted to keep her feelings for him alive, he says that he never thought for a moment of leaving me for her, or of divorcing me. He says he is sorry it happened, that he doesn't think of her anymore unless I bring her up (which I do constantly), he says he just wants to move on, wants to be the husband I deserve, wants for our baby to have two parents who love and respect each other and wants to know what he can do to make me stop thinking of the affair. Well, I don't know what he can do. I wish we could move away but both of my parents are not in the best of health and have both suffered some major health problems in the last year, so I would not feel right about living in another state. I would like to know what she looks like, because I don't want to see her and not know she is standing next to me in a check out line, or whatever. Also, it is true that all the details I find out are very hurtful to me. I have been pushing for them, and snooping to get them, but when I see bank statements showing where they went out and had meals together, it just makes another trigger for me. Everytime the commercial for some eating establishment comes up, I am reminded, and I think "we can never eat there again". Knowing her name and the fact that there is a popular song with her name as the title, makes me ill everytime the song comes on. Knowing she is younger/prettier, etc, makes me feel even older/uglier. I haven't found anything new, but when I find old things, I blow up at him all over again, even though I know they are old and he can't change them. I feel so helpless, I want so much to be able to get on some valium, some xanax, something, but I can't and I have 4 months to go plus all the time I will be breastfeeding, so I won't be able to medicate my way out of this. The counseling is helping in that it is the only place he feels comfortable in expressing what he is feeling and it gives me insight into that, otherwise, I don't feel it helps me particularly, as it seems to become a forum for him, and just a place where I can pay to cry my eyes out. I really don't know how to go on. I feel so helpless, so out of control, I can't stop the triggers, I can't even concentrate of my baby, and I feel guitly for that. I am having a very hard time going on with my day to day activities.

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(((deirdre))) I have briefly read your post and will read it more in depth a little later when I have time and respond to you. Hang in there you will great advice from this website.

I haven't read the book yet but it has been recommended to me time and time again. Surviving an Affair.

Just bumping to the top, does anyone have any insight. I feel like I am losing my mind
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deidre

I am sorry for all your pain...I hope that you have taken some time to read the new member welcomes...

I'm gonna throw some suggestions at you hope it helps somewhat...
One of the ways we get control is really understanding and believing our limits in the things we do have control over...

and that only thing is ourselves...so as hard as this is...this post is gonna be directed at you and things you CAN, SHOULD, and may want to get in control of...

FIRST.. blessings to you and your baby....I would tell you too talk honestly with your OB/GYNE...there may some things you can be on...also it is important that she/he is aware of the increased stress...

Affairs suck..there's no getting around it...and what often sucks even more are what appears to be even more pain and sacrifice on top of the existing pain of the affair itself...
BUT when we can change our attitude about our own role in marriage recovery...see the bigger picture of what type of marriage union we visualize for ourselves...and and our spouses...it can help us begin to rebuild on a more team level than the stranger he/vs/she full of pain interactions we all can get stuck on...

My first word of advice as hard as this may seem it too let go of some of your obsessing about the OW...easier said than done..but look at the bigger picture...

staying focused on such things as the ring, or a restaurant...robs you and him of the important issues that need addressed between the two of you....
this is not to deny the pain of these things..it is to help you get past them..

we heal in affairs by the Wayward spouse realizing the extreme infringement of their actions upon the vows and through there actions become people no longer able to commit such painful acts...

You two are in danger of falling in to traps and patterns of you focusing on the same issues over and over again...and just stagnating progress...
these patterns will be become familiar over time...and that is not good...

I would encourage you to figure out how you can create an environment in which it is safe for him to tell you things...some people do it on a schedueled day for one hour...with strict rules in place...meaning you can ask what ever you he want..he should answer honestly...and you and he are both under strict rules NOT to react emotionally...then once that time frame is up...NO talking about it again until the next scheduled "talk session"...

You must learn how to create a place that is safe for him to share with you..because you two need to figure this out for the long run of your marriage..

there sounds like there are a lot of good things that your spouse is doing..it appears that when you do supply him with a safe place ..he is honest about things...very lucky for you..

You let go of thinking all the time of the OW by re-focusing your own thoughts when they come in to your head...and stay longer than a few seconds...difficult at first..but the more you pust HER out...and fill it with different thoughts...the more they will diminish and become less of a focus...

How is your intimacy with your husband right now??
How much fear is involved for both of you on carrying this baby to term...(which sounds really really good... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )but how much stress and fear exists with both you after many miscarriages and trying hard for a long time..
intimacy is not a sexual aspect..it is a human aspect...and not to be discarded even when there are sexual constraints...(which also lead to other options)...

How much time are you two spending together just relaxing and enjoying one another...

you stand at a difficult point Deidre...
he will have a strong urge to pust this under the rug and move on as if it never happened which is no good...
and you have a strong urge to keep rehashing some external aspects...
both avoiding the deeper issues...

talk too your counsellor about these issues....shift the focus off the others...

much luck to you
ARK

Dierdre,

So sory to hear you are going through all of this. I read your post and I couldn't help but think "Did I write this?" several times.

I too am pregnant. Only 3 more weeks (YEAH). I found out my husband was having an affair when I was about six and 1/2 months. I know how hard this is for you especially when your pregnant and your emotions are running so high anyway.

First: Make an appointment with your OB and tell him everything that is going on. There are antidepressants you can take. The most perscribed one is Prozac. I think it is because it has been around the longest and they have done the most research on it and how it will affect the baby. My doctor wrote me a perscription for it when I told him about my H. Totaly his idea. So this is something they perscribe fairly regularly for pregnant women.

Second: I know exactly how you feel about the ring. My husband and I went to the Bahamas with our 4 year old when I was right at 6 months pregnant. He bought this sexy little white tanktop at a gift shop. When I asked who it was for he said it was for me after I had the baby. Well of course it wasn't..he gave it to Her. Can't tell you how much it hurt. He bought it with me right there!! I would love to have it back just so i could burn it. But that is not going to happen so I try real hard not to think about it. Try to forget about the ring. It only causes you pain and it is just not worth it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> asked him after we had the first ultrasound and he saw the baby and we were told there was no reason why I couldn't carry the baby to term, did he think of stopping the affair then. He said that he didn't think about it, that he didn't connect both of those things together. He says he doesn't know why it happened, says he loves me, always has, didn't stop, but was feeling unloved, ignored and rejected sexually, so when he found someone who listened to him, who was nice and always sounded happy to hear from him and was also willing to be his sex partner, he jumped at the chance.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is so close to what I heard it is kind of creepy. I think with men babies are not real until they are born. They don't experience a life growing inside them. All they see is a wife whose stomach grows every day. Ultrasounds are just too impersonal. My H gave a big reason as he just wanted someone to listen to him. So now I try harder to listen to what he says and more importantly what he doesn't say.

The fact that he said from the beginning (after you found out) that he loves you and never thought of leaving is a good sign. This doesn't mean he will immediately stop seeing her. Mine didn't. I cought him 3 times over six weeks and everytime he swore it was over. Then I found out he was still involved with her.

But we are both trying and I don't have any proof he is stil seeing her. Just remember you are the one who is there every day and every night. You are the one he is reaching for in the middle of the night and when he thinks about the future it is you and his child he sees. This will take some time. I'm finding I have good days and bad. But I'm trying to trust in God and put my marriage back together.

I also understand what you mean about the baby and not being able to concentrate on the baby or day to day activities. It is normal. I have gone as far as to be hit in the face with the feeling that I just don't WANT this baby. Then I feel guilty. I beat myself up...what kind of a mother am I?...how can I not want this precious gift from God? Then I realize it is just the stress, betrayal, pain and lonliness talking. So try not to feel guilty. Once the baby is here you will not be able to imagine life without him/her and you will have no trouble concentrating or taking care of him/her.

Try to get as much rest as you can. Be good to yourself. Good luck and God bless you.

Thank you so much for the replies. I am trying very hard to be more intimate (not just sexual, but to show him that I care and to hug, hold hands, etc.) He has always told me how much he needs this and I have always been one of those people who are more annoyed by someone stroking my hair than I am pleased about it. I guess I figure if I hate it, why do it to someone else. We have set this weekend to go out on a mini weekend vacation to another state. This is another thing that he loves to do, he likes to go out and do new things, to go out to eat, etc. I prefer to stay home, but I am willing to go out and show him that I care. I do realize that I have done or not done many things. I am getting a little better about the obsessing, but I still have horrible thoughts about this person and what I might do to them if I ever ran into them.

I am still undecided if I should let myself imagine a really horrible unattractive person or actually go to her house and see what she looks like. I don't have the address, but know I can get it easily enough. In a way I do want to see what she looks like because that way I won't think that every woman of her age is her, but, at the same time, I am not sure how I could handle it if I thought she was prettier/slimmer, etc, than I am. I am putting that thought on hold and telling myself I can still go and see for myself later, if I still feel the same way. I go to the doctor tomorrow and I will mention what is happening, although I feel so embarrassed about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
In fact, I actually sat in judgment of some of the women in the waiting rooms who were single and who maybe didn't know who the father of their children was, etc, and I was thinking how lucky I was to have a husband like mine, but then when I found out about this, I feel horrible.
Especially to know that the OW thought she was pregnant (I found a message that said "I am not pregnant!!!) I really don't think I would have been able to handle that and I can't believe my H would allow himself to be in that position, I have asked what he would have done if she had been pregnant, and he just shrugs and says he doesn't know. He assures me that she isn't and I hope to God that is true.

I have ordered Dr. Harley's book and am waiting to receive it. I am going to try to use this weekend to really try to forget and to create some new memories. I would like for him to one day (soon) say to me that he can't believe he ever did what he did, that the other person was such a nothing to him and that he didn't care if she fell off the face of the earth, etc., but I know this will not happen. I have no reason to believe they have been in contact again, although I feel this is mainly because of her, I think she told him where to get off, so that makes me feel uneasy because what if she changes her mind?

I am doing better, I realize I am making progress and I bow to all of you who have been through this. I am trying to concentrate on the baby and to get the baby's room ready ( I haven't bought anything or done anything for the baby and I feel awful about that, I too felt and wished that I was never pregnant or that something would happen to change this situation, and I feel really guilty for that.

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