I am 29 years old and my H and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. Our relationship has always been like best friends. We tell each other everything and very seldom argue or fight. He left his job of 10 years this Feb. for more money and since then, he's off on Tues and Wed and I'm off on the weekends. He started going to a truck stop right next to his new job for breakfast every morning and soon was coming home talking about the waitresses, especially one in particular. I began to suspect something was going on from that and the fact that his mother and I couldn't reach him on his cell phone on Tues. afternoons. I had practically begged him to tell me if something was going on and he strongly denied it. On Aug 20th, I just happened to look at our cell phone bill and there was the girl's cell phone number over 50 times for the month of July!!!! I immediately had him come get me and confronted him with it. He denied it at first but then finally told that not only had he been talking to her since July 12th but that they had sex twice. This woman is our age, married, two children and according to some of her coworkers, crazy about my husband. Now, he has sworn that it has stopped and he regrets everything.
My question is how do you get the picture out of your head of them being together?? I feel betrayed not only by a husband but my best friend.
I do know that her husband made her quit her job and that makes me feel a little better but just Wed. she called my husband at home because someone had told her mother-in-law what she had done and she thought he had something to do with it. Is it just me or is this just an excuse for her to talk to him?? How do me or my husband make her realize that it's over and leave it alone??
Should I call her husband if it happens again?
Please help me!!!!! Any advice will help!!!!!

Hello I know your pain but there is hope What your feeling and thinking is all normal. I believe she is using your husband as an escape ropw from her own marriage. And do not call her husband have your husband call while you are there. Focusing what got you to this point is your only remedy. My husband cheated on me with 4 different woman in a 4 year period just sexual encounters. So I know your pain. I know the thoughts that plaque you while your lying in bed. Have you let your husband know about this sight. Have you read everything. Read it together print two copies and then print two copies of the questionairs. Remembering honesty is the only way to fix your marriage cause you can not fix a lie. So the answers have to be totally honest. You will be amazed on how you did not know your best friend the way you thought. See each person has needs and your job as a wife and him as a husband is to fullfil these needs and while yours may be an extreme need for affection his may me admiration and you could have been focusing on giving him all the affection in the world but lacking on the admiration and she fulfilled what you did not give him. I am not saying that him sleeping with another women was right in any way shape or form cause what he did was selfish! But what I am saying is that you need to work on what got you both here to begin with. I could give you all the sympathy in the world but it is not going to help your marriage. Working together will!! I am here as my husband is too so if you need help or even if your husband needs to talk we will both be here for you. So get to printing!!!!!!!

So many of us here have similar stories...we just didn't see it coming.

The enlightening part of my H's A was realizing what part I had played in all of it. I was so demanding (read nagging) and angry, it was easy for him to fall for the first girl that admired him and fauned over him. Not to say it was my fault he had the A, that was all him, but if I had been more loving, he would have been better equipped to say "NO".

What can you do to make an A be less likely? Study about Lovebusters and Emotional Needs.

Set up precautions that will prevent those two getting in contact with each other. Ask your H to write a No Contact letter and send it. Yes, yes, yes, contact OW's H if she calls again. And tell him you want to know if H contacts OW too. Be watchdogs for each other. Can he change his cell phone number? Can he change where he eats breakfast at (in case there are other waitresses there thinking he is available)? What other precautions?

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! It's so good to hear advice from real people and not just professionals. As to the phone call that took place last Wed., I got H to tell me that HE called HER but he tried to say she called first.
All of this just does not ring true. I know for a fact that they were on the phone for at least 45 minutes. When I try to get him to tell me what they talked about, he just says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He says I can't get over it if I keep bringing it up. I told him I can't get over it if he keeps lying to me. How do I make him understand that I need to know? It sounds to me like they are still talking and I don't want to have to worry every week on Tues and Wed if he's talking to her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LoriD:
<strong>On Aug 20th, I just happened to look at our cell phone bill and there was the girl's cell phone number over 50 times for the month of July!!!! I immediately had him come get me and confronted him with it. He denied it at first but then finally told that not only had he been talking to her since July 12th but that they had sex twice. This woman is our age, married, two children and according to some of her coworkers, crazy about my husband. Now, he has sworn that it has stopped and he regrets everything.
My question is how do you get the picture out of your head of them being together?? I feel betrayed not only by a husband but my best friend.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LoriD,

I found out about my wife's A from the cell phone records too (about 1 year ago). It was the same thing: there where tons of calls to his home, cell, and office. She insisted that they were friends at first. Then a few days later she admitted she had feelings for him, but never acted on them. Finally about 2 weeks later, she admitted they had sex multiple times. I was simply devistated. She was my best friend, too. We had such a great marriage I just never saw this coming.

I'll be honest, it's tough to get the images out of your mind. My wife actually continued the A for another 10 months --even though I was on my guard and monitored everything. They just got really good at hiding it. This time, she admitted to having sex multiple times again, but then revealed more truth about last year. She admitted the A started in the winter of 2002 and that she had sex with him IN OUR HOUSE once or twice. She insisted that they always used protection, but I later found out this wasn't true. This simply gave me new images to dwell on.

This time, my wife seems very serious about reconciliation. This really helps me get past the pain and images, but they are still there.

YES --tell the OW's H!! In my opinion, the A needs to be exposed before the reality of the situation sinks in with your H. Hopefully, you'll have the OW's H working to end the A as well. I wish I had that option in my situation, but the OM was divorced.

The NC letter is a must if your H is serious about ending the A. I don't think its unreasonable to ask him to stop going to the truck stop and having your numbers changed. Hopefully, the OW's H will also have their number changed. ANYTHING that can help enforce the NC rule.

Read about Plan A...

Plan A is exposing the Affair, creating a loving environment...fulfilling your spouses needs, eliminate Lovebusters, and being the best person you can be.

So, should you call OW's husband? Yes!
Wouldn't you want to know? And tell other folks too. An A loses it's power when it's brought out in the open.

Lori,

Sounds like the same boat I was in just a couple months back. My wife (30) had an affair with a man (36) she met while on vacation in Mexico in June with her family; (he was at a conference), and continued the daily emails and cell phone calls until some of her excuses didn't add up and I did a little checking.... The cell phone calls continued for a short time after I confronted her, until I called him for a brief chat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> After that a N/C call was made by my wife.

I didn't, and haven't called and spoken to his wife, partially because I think that he should be responsible enough to handle his personal situation with his own wife and two kids. The other reason is, quite frankly, he has a lot to lose if she finds out...home on the golf couse, nice BMW....

So, with your questions.

I don't know yet if the pictures will ever fade...its only been 3 mos. for me...I sure hope so. But I do know how you feel when your best friend does this to you.

In order to make it work your H needs to have no contact with the OW. Period. Non-negotiable.

Simple answer to her contacting him: Change cell/home phone numbers.

Just an FYI, I found "Surviving an Affair" available through MB, to be extremely helpful, and highly recommend it.

-C-
(Hoping that the OM's beach house gets hit by a hurricane here pretty quick.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Dear LoriD,

I am glad that you found this site. I am surprised by the amount of reason and calmness you are able to show at only three weeks past D-day (day you learned of the affair.)

As for lies.....well, you might need to learn that they are part of the package of an affair. It is a beast that thrives on lies. Many people here have had to "help" their spouse into learning honesty again. While the physical affair might be over, often times there is a lingering emotional connection that continues.

My H, spent 10 or 15 hours a week on the phone with his exlover even after I had learned of the affair. Each time I learned of further infractions, I took the phone bills to our marriage counselor. H would say he "had" to talk to her about their child, or that she was suicidal, or had stopped eating and now weighed less than 100 pounds, yadda, yadda, yadda. I kept quietly insisting that I could not remain part of a triangle for very long and that he was going to have to chose one or the other of us.

I think I did a fairly good plan A--read up on it on this site. Eventually the emotional separation stopped and when he had nothing to hide any longer, he stopped lying. Instant recovery is usually not possible and often instant separation of the lovers is not always possible either. It doesn't make what they do any less disgusting, just slightly more understandable when you know that most of us have been through it.

MJ

I just don't know what I would do if I hadn't found this website!!! You all must know how comforting and helpful all of the comments and suggestions are. Until I found this place, I thought I was alone in the way I was thinking and feeling. I have been struggling since D-Day trying to understand this mess and why it happened to me. I realized that it all boiled down to sex in my situation. I have a disease of the ovaries that causes quite a bit of pain and usually infertility so I don't always have the desire. I am in no way blaming myself for the A, but I do accept my role in not keeping our marriage a happy one. My H also realizes that he should have talked to me about his needs instead of going elsewhere. I am very hopeful and optimistic that this scenario won't play out again but that doesn't mean I won't always be on guard.
The thing I am having so much trouble with is not being able to let the OW know how I feel about what happened. You see, I actually met and spoke with her one day before the A took place. I just can't imagine what a person could be thinking to do this to another person. She and her husband have two children where my H and I don't and I find myself thinking of HER kids!!! I know it probably sounds ridiculous but I can't help wondering if her children are okay. I also kind of wish her husband would contact me so we could talk about our feelings.
The hardest thing is that only 2 people really know what went on and what all was said and since you've only gotten lies before, how are you to believe anything that's said to you?? I have asked what they talked about because according to phone bills, they talked for an hour at a time not to mention the time they were together. It hurts deeply to know that he has something to talk about like that to someone other than me. I guess I have to keep telling myself that I'll never know what they talked about and it shouldn't matter.
I hope everyone's reconciliation is peaceful and only makes your relationship that much stronger!!!!

How do you know the OW's H knows?

You may want to contact him and tell him what you know...but be prepared for uncovering more lies.

According to Plan A you need to expose the A, that includes the OP's family. Have you told many people? Family? Friends?

Cruiser: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I didn't, and haven't called and spoken to his wife, partially because I think that he should be responsible enough to handle his personal situation with his own wife and two kids. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just like this man of incredible integrity turned down your wife's advances and told her to work on her marriage, right? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The other reason is, quite frankly, he has a lot to lose if she finds out...home on the golf couse, nice BMW.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nice that you are protecting him and leaving his wife at risk for an STD courtesy of his next affair partner. Sheesh!

Sorry I keep harping...once is enough.

Sex can be a big issue...but it is NO excuse for a partner to have an A.

What can you do to work on the EN for Sex?

Are you doing everything you can medically? Have you sought all the medical attention needed? Are you taking prescribed medicine?

Are you talking with your H about your needs? Is sex not what you expect? He deserves to know what you want. What about affection? That is a strong need for me, and I can't have sex without it.

Stillmakingithere,

I know her husband knows because the Sat. after D-day, my mother-in-law called her husband and told him she was me. I didn't ask her to call him, she was just very upset at what her son was doing to me. She found out the same time I did. She called him and told him that he needed to keep his b***h on a leash and then told him everything that was going on. I was kinda upset that she was getting so involved in what was going on but I don't regret her calling him, just that she used my name. The result of that phone call was OW's husband made her choose between him and her job and needless to say, she quit her job. It does give me some comfort to know that she is hurting too.
As for the medical condition, yes I was diagnosed two years ago with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I am on glucophage (or Metformin the generic) for this disease. It took me about 3 years to get diagnosed with this and my husband stuck beside me the whole time. The symptoms are irregular menses, pelvic pain, and hormone imbalance. You usually have lots of little cysts that form on your ovaries at the time of ovulation instead of releasing an egg. This is alot of my problem because intercourse is very painful sometimes. Being on the medicine helps, but I still hurt alot.
We have been doing really really well the past week or so. My husband seems to sincerely regret everything that has happened and has been so attentive to me and my needs in healing from this. I know you sometimes go through a "honeymoon" stage right after but we are both committed to seeing our relationship only get stronger each day.

John39,

I do see your point. Any opinions as to now, 3 mos. post D-Day and NC, my contacting this guy's wife?

And just how the heck do you start that conversation?

-C-

cruiser -

I just contacted the OW's H 3 months after d-day and NC. I sent a letter and first of all told him that I didn't mean to cause him pain, but that I was just trying to save my M. Also said that I was so sorry for the delay in letting him know but that I had a hard time getting over my own emotional devastation because of the A.

The OWH was still very thankful and appreciative that I let him know regardless of the fact that it was 3 months later.

Hope that helps.

Sorry if I bombarded you with too many questions, and thank you for your honest replies. After I found out my H was involved in cybersex he told me it was because I didn't give him enough sex...

I am finding out that although sex has been an issue (and is in many M) it wasn't the issue at that time.

Pardon me for being graphic, I remember having an ovarian cyst and how painful it was, but only during penetration. There is Soooo much more to sex. Have you thought about getting some other ideas for things to do? Anybody out there have suggestions for books or resources?

Sent this too soon.

But sometimes (and often for women) there is more to not having sex than just our bodys telling us it's OK or not...our heart and minds have to be into it to. As someone said, it's hard to have sex with someone you're angry with. And if you've lived with lies, it's hard to forgive, get past, and trust again. But it's worth it. My H and I are learning to do that now.

There's some debate about whether to contact the OW's H. I'll throw my .02 in too (for what it's worth and take it that way, but you know your situation best). What if he were a person that posts on this site and you had personal knowledge about his WW, would you tell him then? It sounds like they are working to recover their M and you are too. You can call him and apologize for the call from your MIL and then open the channel of communication...if he ever suspects again...or you ever suspect again your H and OW are in contact...then you and OWH can contact each other and check it out. It's not unheard of, the WWs getting back in contact. It's like a recovering alcoholic picking up a drink.

StillHere,
I appreciate all the advice I can get. I was up till after midnight again last night crying because I started thinking about it again. Also,
I watched Oprah as soon as I got home from work and it really helped me to see the man's side. It's hard not knowing his side of things. The women on there expressed the same thoughts that keep going through my mind. One of them said that she wanted details of what they talked about and what they did and that's exactly what I need.
When I ask him what they had to talk about on those hour long phone calls and drives to the country, he says they mainly talked about their work and people they knew together. I find that very hard to believe that's all they talked about. Yesterday I was even in a bad mood because he was being so nice and loving to me!!! I told him it made me think something was going on and he said he just felt guilty about everything and also was excited about the prospect of a new job he's applying for. How do I stop reading into everything??
As for sex, these past couple of weeks have been the best we've had in a very long time.
It's like he's really there and wants to make sure I get my enjoyment. The ovarian cysts don't hurt bad all the time, the worst time is when my body is trying to ovulate. I have also been looking for any way to spice things up whether it be a massage or a romantic dinner. I just feel like sometimes I'm the one bending over backwards to keep him happy and he's the one who should be making up to me.
He got a new cell phone and I kept the old one with the understanding that I get to look at his bill every month. I don't think I have anything to worry about there but I know if he wants to talk to her he can call from work. I am also a little suspicious because I have heard him mention the same restaurant twice in two days and it's a place we very rarely go to. It makes me think maybe she's working there so I'm going to call and ask for her and see what they say. Or maybe suggest that we go there to eat one night.
Thank you so much for talking to me. This is making dealing with this so much easier!!

So, are you in recovery? Sounds like trust is still a factor.

What other steps have you made in your recovery?

And what other steps would you like to do?

I know, simple questions, but they pack a wallup.

What about driving by the restaurant during lunch...or just stopping in (since he's talked about it so highly). The checking up makes me feel better. Afraid that H will get angry...they usually only do out of guilt. Although my H says when I don't trust him it's like a kick in the stomach (he should try finding love emails written by me to another man sometime). So is it a Lovebuster to check up on each other? Not if you talk about it ahead of time...like "I still have a problem trusting you and find I get some reassurance seeing your phone bills, and knowing where you are."

Stillhere,

I do feel like I'm in recovery in alot of ways but I think I just don't feel like I've had any closure. When I ask him questions it's usually one word answers or he doesn't want to talk about it. We did go by the restaurant yesterday and her car wasn't there but when I called, a person by her name answered the phone.
He said there are other people with that name but it just seemed too much of a coincidence to me. When we didn't see her car he said now do u feel better?? I said no cuz she may have already left work. He said so I guess nothing matters because you're never going to believe me anyways so I'm just not going to bother answering any questions.
When I asked him why the A happened to begin with, he just says it was his stupidity. To me that's not a reason. My problem is he won't tell me what they talked about cuz I know it wasn't all about their work, and I feel like I'm supposed to let something go without even knowing what IT is. I mean, he knows how involved he was, he knows his feelings and hers, he knows what they did and said but I DON'T!!!!! That's what I can't get him to understand. All he's basically told me is that it was a mistake and it should have never happened and he has no feelings toward her whatsoever. This is hard for me to believe seeing the length and the amount of their phone calls. I really think he doesn't want to tell me anything more because he's trying to spare my feelings. Just like two weeks ago when I caught him on the phone with her for at least 45 minutes and he said she called because someone was telling her in-laws what she had done. He said she called him but I didn't believe it so I told him I called the phone company and they said the call came from our house. (I did call the phone company but they couldn't give me records for local calls.) He then said yes he did call her but it was after she had called him and he didn't want to tell me that cuz he knew I would be upset and not believe him. I mean, HOW am I supposed to believe him anytime when he just keeps lying?? How do I get him to open up to me???? Thanks soooo much for your support!!
Lori