Author Topic: help my husband just wants to be friends!
feeling lonely
Junior Member
Member # 30067

posted September 12, 2003 12:50 PM
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I need some advice on my marriage. My h and I have been married 10 yrs we have 3 children 7,5,16mnths. My problem is he wants a divorce, he is saying he has no feelings for me, Just wants to be friends and that what is done is done and his feelings for me are gone and he doesn't know what to do about it.

First off neither one of us has had an affair. Our marriage has been neglected. My husband is a workaholic. When we were first married everything was fine I was working and he was working so I never truly noticed to much we spend time together but things have been sliding since the birth of our fist child. I am always the one who wants to go places swimming, camping etc when he does go I always get the feeling he truly does not want to be there he is always worring about what he could or could not be doing. He is saying he is doing it to get ahead and what is the price you pay for that "your family" He cant seem to enjoy the moment and I resent him for that.He never comes to watch the kids play their sports apparently if you've seen one game you've seen them all.

About 6 yrs ago were arguing about something and I told him that I wished I had never married him. I was mad at something, I guess I wear my emotions on my sleeve for him to see. He is just telling me now that this hurt him alot and has thought about it a lot, he claims if i said these words I must have meant them. that day it happend He came back iside and I was acting like nothing had happened he thought I was screwing with his mind. The problem is when he is upset he does not confront me at all He hides his emotoions and stuffs them down as he puts it and I never know what he is truly feeling or thinking. And now he has stopped stuffing and he wants a divorce.
He claims that I have never had any faith in him have never trusted him. When he was building our house he claims I had no faith that he could build it. Yes I had my doubts but he works night shift and then his was getting up in the morning to build it seemed like it would be too much.

In the past I have been puthing him away He would come home and want to give me a hug and I would resist I felt void of emotion for him. We never spent enough time together and I feel emotionally not connected to him. Our lovemaking was few and far between. We had stopped celebrating our anniversarys and stopped buying cards for each other at birthdays ect he had said they were a waste of money.

Our relationship has really taken a downward spiral since my h has got involved in pranic Healing. He has met all kinds of people since he has been doing this one is a woman who owns a health food store in our area. he would talk to her about healing went there to buy vitamins etc.
He spent quite a bit of time there. then in august of this year he broke down crying he told me that he was in love with two women me and her and that he does not deserve anybody because he just hurts everybody. Hes been told by psychis that this is our 3rd life together and that in the past we never learned our lessons and he does not want to repeat this life over. Apparently to the psychics she has been in his past as well. He told me he felt like having sex with her but he knows it would be wrong.
He has a healing bed over there He spends most of his nights there he will leave at 9:30 and not come home until 5:00 in the morning He goes there to think and heal and meditate He tells me that If i dont like it leave, He has said his healing is his No#1 priority above us and the kids and that is the way it is.

He's told me in letters that I will be happy without him that I dont love him and that I never have. He claims the kids will be alright if we handle things right, that he will be there for me and the kids financially etc. I cant help but look at him and think how can he be saying this what is going on here.

I have done my share of huting him, I have made him feel guilty, unloved by not making love, and I have called him names when I am angry, through all of this I have wanted to reach out to him. He tells me that I am staying because of security. I simply told him in a letter that "you dont know what youve got till its gone" doesnt this say it all.
All I want is some give and take in our relationship. Why is it that I stil love him but he does not live me? He would tell me in the past not to long ago maybe an year that I was stuck with him for life and that he wasnt going anywhere.why then can he make this big turn around.My husband truly has a caring heart, he's always helping other people out, I have a hard time understanding how we are less important. He wrote in one of his letters that he wants what is best for everyone but he is firt in line.
He claims he has forgiven me and himself them why cant he move on and give this marriage a 2nd chance. we have everything to lose by not trying our kids happiness everything we have built together. He tells me not to worry about what he said about the ow, and I think it must have meant something he was crying.
His father had also told him that he wished he had divorced his wife but at the time he felt that he had too much to lose the house everything. she doed not know this but I have a hard time with this. Somehow I cant help but feel he is making some of his decision based on his dads unhappiness. He told me that he does not want to be at this crossroad 25yrs from now because he see's us in their relationship. Actually it is simular his dad is a workaholic and they never took the time to discuss it was lack of communication its just sad that he cant see this. Afterall his dad must have loved his mother to marry her so how can his love just die.
I have to look at it this way because I cant understand how he feels nothing it hurts me deeply that he could be so unsensitive.
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Could Be Worse
Member
Member # 22588

posted September 12, 2003 02:16 PM
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First of all, welcome to the board! I'm sorry it is under such dire circumstances.

Your H is deep into the "fog". Please start by reading everything on this Web site. You said that neither of you has had an affair, yet you called her the "OW". This relationship he has with OW is definitely an affair. It is minimially an Emotional Affair (EA), however I strongly believe it is also a Physical Affair (PA). No matter what, it is still an affair.

After reading the concepts on the site and reading the posts on the bulletin boards, you will see that your H is way out of line by spending any time alone with this woman. You are in need of setting boundaries, and personally that would be my first one.

You have a tough road to follow if you want to save your marriage, especially with him being so deep into the fog. There are a lot of wise people on this board. You will find a great deal of support here for your journey.

Best of luck to you!

--------------------
M 12 years
2 incredible kids

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*Takola*
Member
Member # 18227

posted September 12, 2003 03:30 PM
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First of all, I want to echo CBW's welcome. I think you've found yourself in the right place. Please read the thread for new members.

Your H is in an affair. I suspected as much just by reading the title. Your situation is quite common out here.

Here is what I think you should do:

1.) Go to the bookstore link and buy a copy of "Surviving an Affair". Make this book your Bible for riding out this storm.
2.) Get a professional involved. I strongly suggest Cerri. She posts on the Just Found Out board.
3.) Go over to the JFO (Just Found Out) board and post the exact same thing there. Just copy and paste. That is the board where people in your situation are. Just Found Out

Divorce is not necessarily the outcome of marriages in your situation. You will need real resolve, courage, self-control, and strength to pull through, though.

--------------------
met 6-2-99, engaged 6-2-00, married 6-2-01, H moves out 3-26-02, H moves home 5-27-02, Currently Recovering

The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. Persistence is great, but you must persist with something that works.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

takola_mb@hotmail.com

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MyBestFriend'sWife
Member
Member # 21526

posted September 12, 2003 04:29 PM
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I agree with could be worse, read everything here, especially the section on surviving an affair.

Next I have to say that in setting the boundaries also open yourself to possibilities. Obviously the pranic healing is very important to him, it is to anyone who practices pranic or reiki, it is a way of life, it is also peaceful. If your home is not conductive of peace then he will not be comfortable there. Have you yourself learned anything about pranic healing? Does it interest you at all? Could you get involved yourself and join him where he goes? Call it recreational companionship if you need to, and use it as time away from home and away from the kids. It could be something that could create a strong bond between the two of you if you are open to the possibility.
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<small>[ October 21, 2003, 12:40 AM: Message edited by: commited4life ]</small>

Hi Feeling Lonely.... Tak sent you? And you listen to Tak?? Just kidding.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok, so the big red flags are these three things:

First he says he doesn't love you anymore, just wants to be friends. When people just fall out of love without there being someone else they rarely use those words.... saying he doesn't love you implies that there is someone else he has feelings for.

Second he isn't interested in working on anything... usually if someone is just unhappy in their marriage they are willing to do the work especially if you take the lead.... people generally don't just bail unless there is someone else waiting in the wings.

Third the fact that the big nosedive occurred when he met this woman.

I would bet my home that he is involved with her at least emotionally and very possibly physically. And yes, I know that he says there is no one else... they all do.... every single one. They lie when they are caught in the act or confronted with irrefutable evidence. You wouldn't believe some of the stories I've heard.

From this moment on you can assume that if you base what you do on what he says is real or what he wants then you will be sure to fail.

Alright then... here's the plan. You need to go to the bookstore link and order Surviving an Affair if you don't already have it. You might try to see if you can get it from your local library, but if not this is the book you need... don't just get any infidelity book... they are not all the same.

Then you need to do some heavy duty reading while you wait for the book to come. I would start with these links:
the love bank

instincts and habits

love busters

emotional needs

When you've got through those and you have a basic grasp of Love Busters and Emotional Needs and how they work to create or destroy romantic love come back here and we'll talk specifics about what you need to do.

The strategy for ending an affair is this in a nutshell:

You tell him what you know, how you know it and how you feel about what he is doing.

You work to eliminate anything that you are doing that could be called a demand, disrespect or angry outburst as well as annoying habits.

You are willing to meet his needs (most likely he won't let you)

You tell anyone and everyone you know about the affair... and we'll talk about how that works after you do the reading.

None of that is easy and most is counter intuitive. Do the reading.... flag me down and we'll talk specifics.

C

thanks for the adice cerri! I have been reading how to survive and affair and other books by Willard f.Harley,Jr. I am doing some of your advice already. He wont let me meet any of his needs. He goes to her shop quite a bit and one saturday he was there when her shop was closed and of course she was there he was pretty surprised I showed up. And another time when he wasnt showing up untill 7:00 am and I was having trouble getting our daughter to school I phoned and she was there againg he said she was doing paper work. One thing he has done that has hurt me the most is he is saying that he married me because he did not want to dissapoint anybody and that he never really loved me, is he trying to make me hate him or is he using anything he can to try and make his feel this is the right thing to do. When you say to tell about the ea to people do you mean family and friends no one knows at the moment and of course he does not them to know. any thoughts on this

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Tak sent you? And you listen to Tak?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> You could at least let me bask in the glory that I got one person to listen to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One thing he has done that has hurt me the most is he is saying that he married me because he did not want to dissapoint anybody and that he never really loved me, is he trying to make me hate him or is he using anything he can to try and make his feel this is the right thing to do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They all say this, too. It's really almost like a script. It's hard to tell why a WS (Wayward Spouse) says the things that they do. The main reason is to keep the source of the addiction (in your H's case, OW) in their lives. That is their goal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When you say to tell about the ea to people do you mean family and friends no one knows at the moment and of course he does not them to know. any thoughts on this </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you should tell family, friends, etc. I think you should do the reading and get another response from Cerri before you act, though.

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Hi Feeling lonely,

I have been reading how to survive and affair and other books by Willard f.Harley,Jr. I am doing some of your advice already.

Alright good! Then we have somewhere to start from. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

He wont let me meet any of his needs.

That's pretty much to be expected. He isn't going to let you meet his most intimate needs, but other typically male needs such as attractive spouse, domestic support, admiration... you can probably work at doing.

He goes to her shop quite a bit and one saturday he was there when her shop was closed and of course she was there he was pretty surprised I showed up.

So are you telling how you FEEL (hurt/sad/lonely/terrified....) when he sees her?

And another time when he wasnt showing up untill 7:00 am and I was having trouble getting our daughter to school I phoned and she was there againg he said she was doing paper work.

So are you saying that he is spending the nights away from home?

One thing he has done that has hurt me the most is he is saying that he married me because he did not want to dissapoint anybody and that he never really loved me,

Yes, I know. It's heart wrenching to have to hear that. I really doubt that it's true. People having affair routinely re-write history in their minds... and to them it is reality in the moment. The thing about romantic love is that when we are in love with someone we can't imagine that we would ever lose that feeling. And then, once it's gone we can't recall ever feeling that way. This is one of those 'act like a duck' things... you need to let it roll off your back and tell yourself that it's about the affair... it's not about you.

is he trying to make me hate him or is he using anything he can to try and make his feel this is the right thing to do.

He's protecting his addiction. And using whatever he can to do so.

When you say to tell about the ea to people do you mean family and friends no one knows at the moment and of course he does not them to know. any thoughts on this

Yeah. Tell them that your husband is having a relationship with this woman that is painful and offensive to you. That his friendship with her is coming between you and making it impossible to repair your marriage. Let them know that you love him, you want to save your marriage and that you will do whatever you can to make it a wonderful place for both of you. Ask for their help. Encouraging him to end the relationship with her and recommit to your marriage.

If it seems that the word "affair" is going to be controversial then don't use it. It doesn't matter what you call it... it's a relationship that hurts you and is destroying your marriage... that's the important message.

Tell me about his complaints in the marriage? Things he didn't like that you did or things he wanted that you didn't do. We can do a little refining of PlA.

C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by *Takola*:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Tak sent you? And you listen to Tak?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> You could at least let me bask in the glory that I got one person to listen to me.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL... Just checkin' to see if you were watching....

Hugs darlin'. Stay safe and dry, I've been thinking about you guys.

I'll check out that other link if I get a chance this morning... I have some other stuff going on that I will email you about later.

C

Thanks cerri and takola for the posts.

First off you want to know if he spentds his nights away from home, My husband is a night shift worker so he leaves home around 9:00 and he will Usually be home anywhere from 3:00 till 4:00, Only now he goes to this health food shop(he has his own keys but does not own any part of the store)and he stays untill 6 or 7 in the morning and he meditates and heals from the healing bed in there. I do beleive him that she is not there then, she is also married. Sometimes she shows up in the morning when He is still there. When he has his nights off he goes there like he is leaving for work and spends his night there and might come home slightly early around 4 or so am. I don't think he has had sexual relations with her but I do feel since he told me he was in love with her that he cares for her a great deal and it's like he is infatuated with her, he tells me how they can have great conversation about his healing. He does give her hugs when he leaves or when she is emotionally upset.

Secondly you want to know what I have done.

He tells me that I have not given him any backing or support over the years. So I beleive it is admiration and I need to praise him for all the good things he does and let him know how much I appreciate him. Also I told him I wished I had never married him about 6 yrs ago and that hurt him only he never told me untill now. I have been pushing him away over the past few years and have not really felt like making love or kissing and hugging I would tell him it did not feel right. Also I can get sarcastic and say some things like " where were you this morning haveing a quickie with your girl friend" or because he has never shown any interest in doing anything with the kids or me I get after him and compare him to other fathers, why arent you like ---- dad and want to go here or go there, I know this bothers him. He also feels that I am a negative person and sometimes I can be. After reading the books I realize what I had done wrong, but I have never felt connected to him in quite awhile because he is always doing something else and has never made time or even wanted to make time for his family so when I do all the pushing to do it, he feels I am making him feel guilty.In the past when I would try to make him see that we need some balance in our relationships and I told him his pracic healing is consuming his life he would say "If you don't like it leave". He has made me feel that he simply does not care. I have told him I am sorry for what I have done, which I am and I wish I had done things differently, I wish I was given a marriage book for a wedding gift.
He will let me meet his sexual needs he tells me if I need it he will be happy to fulfill, my needs but he likes to let me know that this will not change his mind. He feels because of what I have done that I have never really loved him and I am here for security. I have been a stay at home mom for 7 yrs and because of all this I am enrolling and going back to school to be an LPN.
He is staying for the whole year which does not start untill January. So I have some time on my hands the only problem Is he will not stop going to visit this woman, he claims they are just friends and his feelings for me would be the same regardless of whether or not he had met her. So I am trying real hard to be the nice wife, with no more nasty remarks, but the bedroom scene is a little weird making love to a husband who wants a divorce. Also the affection part its harder to just go give him a hug or a kiss he definately wont let me do this any old time of day.

I need to be strong and also tell family and friends what is going on. This part will be hard for me.

Anyhow, anything else you think I should be doing?
If so I would be happy to hear some more advice!!!

Just had a question to some of you. What exactly is a conflict avoider!!! Does my story sound like my h is a conflict avoider the way he stuffs down all his feelings untill they eventually boil over to resentment. Just curious?????

Lonely - A conflict avoiding, cheatins spouse is precisely me a year ago.

But before we go there - I am also willing to bet Cerri's house. I am willing to bet that these two are sleeping together. We tripods mistake sex for affirmation/acceptance sometimes.

Now to the conflict avoidance - what are we dealing with?
Normal, healthy conflict - discuss, argue, probe, re-examine, re-discuss and fix the damned problem.

Conflict avoider: Discuss, start to argue, drop it, withdraw, feel betrayed, resentful, angry and rejected.

Conflict avoiding WS: Failure to effectively resolve minor issues in 2-3 areas of key emotional needs (SF was mine) leads to resentment and strong feelings of rejection. This opens the door to allowing someone else to provide affirmation, admiration and probably sex.

The fact that he is taking advice from a psychic is very sad - here you are in the real world competing with fantasyland.

That is what an affair is though - fantasyland.

The best way to mess with the fantasy is to expose the affair.

Sounds like deeeeeeeeeeeeep fog here when you use a psychic's advice to back your position.

What you describe regarding SF issues, him claiming that you never supported (Believed in, praised, admired) him plus the new woman? I would be amazed if they are not sleeping together.

All is not lost. When push comes to shove and he sees that he is going to lose you and his family it can cure rectocranial inversion (head up rear) quickly.

Prayers
2.

2ofakind thanks for your input. I honestly think my h is a conflict avoider after reading some info. He would rather not discuss what is happening in our relationship right now he would rather go for a walk or not come home at night because he is healing which really is starting to %%%%%%me off, and it hurts me knowing he would rather not be in our bed, that is the message its giving me. I ask him how its all going to go down what about the house the kids family everthing that goes through my mind when you talk about divorce, he tells me EVERYTING IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE, (he avoids talking about It) fine for who I think "just you" I feel like he is so thoughtless about it all he is claiming he has INNER PEACE about it all, and me Im left crying at night wondering how he could just break up our family so easily.

I have the book how to survive an affair and in the book I have it does not have plan A or B in it. Is there a new revised updated book?

How do I go about telling our familys about this?
He won't listen to anything I try and tell him in any of the marriage books. He beleives that his love for me is gone and that all the info in the books about how normal it is to feel this way when a marriage is on the rocks, he said it does not apply to him because he is unique. Above all I find out that his feelings were waning 6 yrs ago and his father has known all along. I feel like he avoids conflicts and he did not tell me, how was I to know how he felt if he did not tell me. And yet he does not want me to let people know what is going on at the moment. what should I do????? He also admitted to feeling major resentment when I told him 6 yrs ago that I whished I had never married him which I said when I was mad at something.

This is getting worse than I thought. Just found out the other day that H has been talking to his dad over the past 6 years that he has had trouble having feelings for me. Im starting to beleive him if its been going on for this long. Although he told me how left out he felt when the kids came along 7 yrs ago. What really infuriates me is the fact that he has been talking to his dad about these feeling but not me. Im the one who should have known but instead he thought it would get better. And then he just goes ahead and has two more children with me and the youngest is just turning 18mnths. I really feel he is a conflict avoider it would have helped If I had known that then. Then when I tell him I thought that things would get better when the kids were a little older He said "how could you think that when things were going the way they were." All I can say is it takes two. Why can't he see this.

My H is a conflict avoider. I should say, a recovering one.

What steps have you taken so far?

hi takola! What steps have I taken so far. Well Im trying to do a plan A with him right now. But every time I think things are going a little better he reminds me that nothing will change his mind. It's all over to him right now I can't even sit next to him on the couch without him moving because he feels uncomfortable when I sit next to him. He feels he has tried these past 7 years only thing Is I never new how he felt he told his father things but never to me. It's really frustrating and I guess I shouldn't talk about her and how he has felt about her and how it is normal for him to feel nothing for me but that it is going to take the 2 of us to fix this. He feels like hes done his share and thats It. He feels the kids will be alright and I just have to shake my head and wonder. I'm not sure I'm going about this the right way. I havent told family yet I guess I should be doing that.

Listen, anything he says right now is to justify what he is doing and to keep the source of addiction in his life. Think of it as talking to an alcoholic about beer. It's the same thing. He will try to scare you, intimidate you, hurt you, reason with you - anything to make you back down and leave his addiction where it is.

How are you doing with LBs? How about ENs? You have to start out small with the ENs, come in under the radar, so to speak. Meet things like Domestic Support, Attractive Spouse, Admiration, Conversation, and Recreational Companionship. He probably will not let you meet Affection and SF right now. If he does, that's fine, meet it. If not, work on the ones you can meet.

Have you bought and read "Surviving an Affair" yet? Have you given Cerri a call? I think you really need to do both of these things.

Hi takola thanks for the post!

As for the situation right now, I am trying with the LB's but sometimes it is hard not to try and reason with him and tell him how absurd all of this is and that he wants to leave the marriage over all this. Now as for the affair or EA she does not know how he feels. He has feeling for her like a high school crush. Yet he is addicted to his healing and he can't seem to stop going to her shop to talk etc. I also found out the same counsellor he was seeing in this circle of his friends that she told him he had past lives with me and that we had not learned our lessons with life and that my H has had a past life with the OW that he likes as well. He said this couselling has made him realize that he has never been happy.

Im doing ok meeting domestic support, attractive spouse, sometimes admiration, but recreational companionship is something that I have wanted to get out of our M and he was never willing to meet.

Now for SF he will let me do this but he will tell me he is only doing it for me, but that it means nothing to him. He knows it hurts me. How do I go about this do I tell him its ok I know that this will not change your mind, but lets have fun anyways???

Now about me, I have a hard time with my emotions, some days I'm crying and I get all worked up about the future and tell him that I love him and why can't he see this etc etc. Is this a good thing or should I be stronger and let him feel I'm moving on with or without him???

I also feel like talking to the OW and just simply ask her is she knows that he wants out of our marriage and that he loves Her and He spends virtially every night hiding out in her shop healing from the healing bed in there, istead of being at home in our bed. You see he has a key and can go there any time. Of course he said that I would look like a fool if I went and talked to her or more like it" he would look like the fool". He told me once it I ever confronted her he would never forgive me for it?????

I am going to buy the book you sugessted, I have been reading his needs her needs and I also have fall in love stay in love, but I clearly think I need the other book.

I clearly feel my H is avoiding all this conflict in his life and instead of dealing with it staight up, he is hiding it and wanting a divorce as the easy way out. I am looking at all I did wrong and I am trying to learn from all of my mistakes. I feel he has this wall around his heart afraid of getting hurt or he simply cant find any love we once shared. When I mention the kids in this about their feelings he claims I am using them as a way to get to him. He can't see that they are also a part of this and everything we do will have an impact on their lives.

One of my H strong LB is independent Behavior where he has gone along in our marriage and plans his days and weeks without even considering what I have ever wanted. The one thing that makes me sick is he never wants to come and watch our kids sports even before he met the OW he never comes. I have a real problem with this one. I have felt like a single mom during our marriage the whole time because of his IB and lack of time in our m but he would come home at night wanting the love and I never felt like it. Why cant he see what he has done??

I am going to phone and go to more marriage counselling sessions, should I try a get him to go. He never tells them very much, or should I not push it???

Any more advice would be great!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As for the situation right now, I am trying with the LB's but sometimes it is hard not to try and reason with him and tell him how absurd all of this is and that he wants to leave the marriage over all this.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand. I never said it was easy. This is one of the hardest things you will ever do. I just said it had to be done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now as for the affair or EA she does not know how he feels. He has feeling for her like a high school crush. Yet he is addicted to his healing and he can't seem to stop going to her shop to talk etc.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is an Emotional Affair (aka EA). I seriously doubt that she is clueless to his feelings. I hope she is and doesn't return them. If he decides to tell her his feelings you have a few possible outcomes:

-she tells him that she feels the same way and a full blown A comes out of it
-she tells him to get lost
-she does niether, and they go on meeting ENs until you have a full blown A

This is why it is so critical for you to increase your OWN love bank balance. To do that, you have to avoid LBs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also found out the same counsellor he was seeing in this circle of his friends that she told him he had past lives with me and that we had not learned our lessons with life and that my H has had a past life with the OW that he likes as well. He said this couselling has made him realize that he has never been happy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BS. His infatuation with this woman is making him see foggy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but recreational companionship is something that I have wanted to get out of our M and he was never willing to meet.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Elaborate.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now for SF he will let me do this but he will tell me he is only doing it for me, but that it means nothing to him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn't matter what he says about it. You'er meeting a very important EN. If you are comfortable meeting this EN - do it!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He knows it hurts me. How do I go about this do I tell him its ok I know that this will not change your mind, but lets have fun anyways???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, tell him you don't want to talk about those things right now - you are preoccupied.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now about me, I have a hard time with my emotions, some days I'm crying and I get all worked up about the future and tell him that I love him and why can't he see this etc etc. Is this a good thing or should I be stronger and let him feel I'm moving on with or without him???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CEASE THIS BEHAVIOR AT ONCE. All it does is convince your H that you are at his beck and call and that he can continue any behavior he wants. I want you to be strong, but the moving on with or without him part is coming later. Just don't cry, sob, or have any relationship talks with him at this time. NO NO NO NO NO. Big LB.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also feel like talking to the OW and just simply ask her is she knows that he wants out of our marriage and that he loves Her and He spends virtially every night hiding out in her shop healing from the healing bed in there, istead of being at home in our bed.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Part of Plan A is the exposure of the affair. Have you not yet done this? Don't go exposing w/o posting back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You see he has a key and can go there any time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BIG BIG RED FLAG.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Of course he said that I would look like a fool if I went and talked to her or more like it" he would look like the fool". He told me once it I ever confronted her he would never forgive me for it?????</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They all say that. Don't buy into his foggy drivel. He's protecting the source of his addiction and his continued exposure to it. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am going to buy the book you sugessted, I have been reading his needs her needs and I also have fall in love stay in love, but I clearly think I need the other book.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FIRST - read "Surviving an Affair". Use this book as your bible over the next several months. Second - read "Love Busters". Laugh, cry, make these books a part of you. And call Cerri.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I clearly feel my H is avoiding all this conflict in his life and instead of dealing with it staight up, he is hiding it and wanting a divorce as the easy way out.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's addicted and trying to continue his exposure to the object of his addiction. In this case, it is the OW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am looking at all I did wrong and I am trying to learn from all of my mistakes. I feel he has this wall around his heart afraid of getting hurt or he simply cant find any love we once shared.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's in the fog and can't decide whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. All he knows is that he wants to continue to see this woman and you are in the way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When I mention the kids in this about their feelings he claims I am using them as a way to get to him. He can't see that they are also a part of this and everything we do will have an impact on their lives.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He probably won't. There is nothing your H is saying that hasn't been heard on these boards a hundred times over. Take a deep breath.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have a real problem with this one.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We'll discuss these at a later point, ok?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why cant he see what he has done??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fog fog fog fog fog fog fog fog fog. He can't see the forest for the bark. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am going to phone and go to more marriage counselling sessions, should I try a get him to go. He never tells them very much, or should I not push it???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go w/o him a few times. Then, you can make 'thoughtful requests' (see the love busters book) for him to join you. If he declines, drop it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Any more advice would be great!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Call Cerri.

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Takola thanks for yet another post!!

Well I can see I have a lot to learn still. I am going to buy the book and read some more for a while. I dont think that I have really entered plan A for no I have not told anyone yet about the EA except one of my H sisters knows and that Is it and his Dad knows only that things might not work out but he does not know about Her or the nights he spends away from home. Now when I tell people about the EA do I confront the OW as Well, I could also go and see this so called cousellor and let her know and there is one of his other friends who is into Healing that is friends with us as well.

I never realized I was major LBing when I was crying in front of him. I thought if he seen me like this he would know how much I do care instead of me being distant and such. You see our relationship prior to this did not have much affection etc and he felt he had to pressure me to have sex which he did because I always felt mad at him etc. Now when I try to initiate it he will usually let me but he Is feeling I'm sure that I only want to do it to make things better. Anyways I wont worry If he lets me meet this I will.

You wanted me to elaborate on the recreational companionship well Im the one who likes to camp, swim, go for hikes, take the kids to museums, go places and have fun. He treats it like a chore and he can't stand going especially when the kids are whiny. To put it short he does not like to do any of these things.

Now as for you advising me to call cerri, you do mean to flag her down on this site, or is it meant that I am to e-mail her or actually call her? If so what state does she live in or maybe I shouldn't ask that one? I have read somewhere on this site that she is a cousellor? Anyhow I am from Canada!

Anyhow I will keep posting and reading these books. The one thing I do find comforting is reading all these posts on this site hearing the same sort of things my husband Is telling me. It makes me feel less alone.

One more thing when I read these books surving and affair and love busters do I show him these and read any of it to him or just read them myself?

met 06/91 M 08/07/93 D-Day-Aug/01/2003
DD-7 DS-5 DD18mnths

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it!!

Actually email or call Cerri. Yes, she is a professional marriage coach. (BTW, she's my marriage coach)

Cerri's website

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I can see I have a lot to learn still.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, learn quickly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I dont think that I have really entered plan A for no I have not told anyone yet about the EA except one of my H sisters knows and that </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exposure is one of the critical parts of Plan A. Affairs thrive in secrecy and deception. Exposing it to the light of day is important. There is a specific way that it should be done, however. The purpose for this is not to shame him or seem petty - it is to save your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now when I tell people about the EA do I confront the OW as Well,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you confront the OW. You tell her what is going on, that you know, and ask her to have nothing more to do with your H so that your marriage can be saved.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I could also go and see this so called cousellor and let her know and there is one of his other friends who is into Healing that is friends with us as well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, all of the above. Please call Cerri.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I never realized I was major LBing when I was crying in front of him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It isn't only that - although it is a major LB. If you convince him that you have no boundaries, he will continue to cake-eat, as he will believe he can and you won't do anything about it. Trust me, this is NOT what you want.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He treats it like a chore and he can't stand going especially when the kids are whiny. To put it short he does not like to do any of these things.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is there NOTHING he likes to do?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One more thing when I read these books surving and affair and love busters do I show him these and read any of it to him or just read them myself?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just read them on your own for now. I want you to be able to avoid LBs before attempting to involve him in these things.