Have been married 6 years 2 children 4 & 2. I have had my suspicions but never any proof. He calls regularly throughout the day, calls when his plans change etc. Weekend of Aug 15 he went on a business trip upon return I found a rental car receipt paid for by his former girlfriend whom he has had regular contact with through out our marriage. When I asked him he gave an explanation I accepted it at the time but the more I thought about it more uneasy I became. I began looking for more. This past week I did something I never did before and I looked at his e-mail account. Read a message from the former girfriend that spoke of their ongoing relationship throughout our marriage and she was berating him for cheating on her with other women. She mentioned one in particular who is a tenant in a rental property we own. It seems this young girl confided her sexual encounters with him and the former girlfriend confronted him and he of course denied it. This young girl works for an attorney we do much business with and has babysat my children. (This sounds to much like a soap opera) I am in total denail, It is absolutely unfathomable to me that this man has lied to me for six years of marriage and two years of dating. He is constantly telling me he loves me, what a lucky man he is because I am in his life, and so on. I believe i am an intelligant person and a fairly good judge of a persons character. This has absolutely thrown me for a loop I doubt everything I believe right now. I have not confronted him yet. I actually feel guilty for reading his email. I know he will turn the conversation to my "sneakiness" in reading his private email. I am trying to keep my emotions in check and do the right thing for me and my children. I have contacted a lawyer and will see her next week to go over my rights. I really do not want to be a single mother struggling to make ends meet. We have worked together for the past four years running a small business and now as brokers so we spend a lot of time together throughout the day and he is home most evenings. What it seems he has been doing is not carrying on a "love" relationship with one other person but keeping the former girlfriend around for convenience and sex and also jumping from sexual encounter to sexual encounter. the former girlfriend accused him of being a sex addict in her email. He actually asked me if I thought he had a problem because he does want intercourse daily and likes to view pornography. I do not believe in sex addiction as an excuse for infidelity, I believe it is a matter of morals and a conscience choice made. Its funny his brother has repeatedly cheated on his wife and my husband has told me many times before and after our marriage that he did not agree with that type of behavior, he once told me if he ever knew I cheated he would not give me a second chance, he would not tolerate it. I have looked at him over the past three days and wonder who and what did I marry. What kind of person is this? Does he ever say the truth? Can i believe anything he has ever said? How can he tell me he is crazy about me, sit and make plans for our future then go jump in the sack with literaly anyting in a skirt? And allow one of them in our home to care for our children. I have discontinued her services as a babysitter and advised him I will not have her here again. He did not question my decision. I have actually thought he left the email message in his mailbox as a test to see if I snoop. I believe I am doing the right thing in taking my time before I confront him, and in seeing an attorney. He is out of town with his parents and I have contemplated closing our joint account and keeping the money and kicking him out, but some part of me just does not want to believe this is so. I have been quite calm the past three days crying infrequently and talking to myself. I have not discussed this with anyone in my family or any friends. I call a private investigator to see about having him followed. All these thoughts are going through my mind. I get angry and want to explode and get back at him. Then I get miserable thinking of the children not having him around daily. I do not know anymore what is true and what isnot. He may have thoughts of divorce himself and keep it to himself until he makes up his mind and gets his ducks in a row. that is why I have decided to take some control and get my ducks in a row. Maybe this is why I have not fallen apart, I have taken some control and am not just sitting here boohooing. Funny that is something he taught me.

I'm so glad you found this site, and that you had the courage to post right away. There are quite a few very wise folks on here, but unfortunately it is VERY quiet on the weekends.

I would take this time to read EVERYTHING on the website...there are articles by the Harley's about infidelity that work.

In your Husband's case, it sounds like he leads a double life...and is able to keep them VERY separate. So much so that one life denies the other life. It does sound like an addiction to me, and what I've been learning aobut Sexual Addiction is that it will escalate over time.

Think of this as a wake up call. He won't get help until it becomes painful for him. There are some great sites around about sexual addiction too. I would read, read, read and prepare for his return. Time for an intervention...

Getting your ducks in a row is a GREAT idea. Like any addiction, you have to protect yourself and your finances. What if he were addicted to a substance? How would you treat it?

Thanks for the advice. I am having a problem accepting sexual addiction as an excuse or reason for his actions. It seems to me he is amoral with no regard for anyone but himself and his desires. I have always believed infidelity was a conscious choice you make. I will do some reading.

There is NOTHING that excuses infidelity, and that includes drugs, alcohol, etc. But a WS shares many of the same characteristics of an addict, and until s/he is confronted with the truth and thus faces the possible consequences of his/her continued addiction, then there is no chance of him/her to break free of his/her addiction.

Nobody can tell you to stay married to your H but you MAY be doing yourself and your children a great disservice if you rush to divorce him without having some time to think things out and confronting him with the truth. There are many BS's and WS's that have rushed to get divorced and later regretted having done so after their anger and hurt has subsided. So give yourself some time to get control of your emotions, otherwise they'll end up controlling your actions just like your WH's feelings controlled his actions.

I appreciate your thoughts. I have spoken to an attorney who has given me some advice regarding property we own and validated my plans regarding that. I will not make any decisions re: divorce until I confront him. I am torn about when to confront him, I feel almost deceitful acting as if everything is okay, but I really believe I should take care of loose ends regarding a property we own. I am not sure I can keep up the pretense until then but I would like that issue settled before I confront him because if he wants a divorce I may lose out.

I spoke to him this morning (he is still out of town) he seemed distant. I imagined he was on line and read my e-mail and saw the notification of the replys to my post and went to the website and read the posts and replys. If I can pretend nothing is wrong so can he.

I have an idea how he will react, I hate the uncertainty, I hate the idea of confrontation. I have been going over and over in my mind what to say to him. I am determined to keep control of my emotions and not go over the edge. I keep imagining myself in total control of myself and just presenting the facts, not allowing secondary issues to cloud things.

Should I remove some money from our account now? Confront him when he arrives WED? What if he did read my email, he could come back and remove all the money. Why do I feel I am doing something wrong by waiting to confront him? Am I clouding the issue worrying about his reaction? I have prayed for clarity.

I cannot sit still. I have been working around the house like a maniac. Cleaning closets, painting etc. all the activity allows me to keep my mind from wandering about all the lies and possible details of his encounters, and what he may have told these individuals about me and our relationship.

Hs has always kept the former girlfriend sep from our life. I always knew they spoke and sometimes he had dinner with her and would help her if she needed it. His stories sounded reasonable. Now she has also become a mortgage broker and he has brought her into the office where we work and requested I process her loans with the intention of our getting a cut of her commissions. Is this an escalation of his problem? Is he looking to get caught? Does he need some kind of thrill knowing at anytime something can be said that will tip me off?

I could go on forever but I must work now.

I have heard WSs talk (on this site) that they would have continued their A's until they were caught.

IMHO, I think a WS waits to be caught so they can use that as their excuse to stop. Can't do it on their own, don't want to be the bad guy. But will us ethe situation (and you) as an excuse to everyone to stop.

And there is No excuses for having an A. A WS may blame you. My H did for awhile ("If you gave me more s#x then I wouldn't have to...") But don't beleive them. It's all about them and their needs. Having an A is VERY selfish and rarely takes the other person into account.

Have you done much reading? You are getting everything in order, but is your goal to save the M or D?

A legal separation may be in order, but read about Plan A.