Everything was going so well for about four days. I haven't talked to EA in a week. I bought the book. We read the first chapter together.
That's it.
That's all he has put into this. Everyday, I say please don't let us slip back to the way things were. Ok, he says. But does nothing.
It makes me long to talk to EA, to vent, for someone to tell me I'm great. I don't really have friend that I talk to often, so I am all alone most every day. My H cell phone will never pick up, so I can't even talk to him.
A 16 month old, does not provide me with the companionship I need. H works from 7-8pm. 7 days a week. I am so tempted. I havn't succumbed but I need encouragment. Help!

Hey Spotlight....

I am not an insightful veteran, but I am a FWW (EA/PA - 4 months), and I do know all too well withdrawal.....couple of things I just posted to someone on recovery who is going through the same thing.....just some things that helped me get through my withdrawal and do what I knew was "right."

Perspective: Contacting the OM had become a habit. We would talk a LOT - over the phone, over chat, over e-mail. More than anything, it had become a habit - like smoking. Just looking for that momentary relief, that momentary "high."

Life before OM: You had a life before OM. You most likely had times in your life where you were OK - maybe even happy - without OM. You do not "need" him per se.....you are enjoying the momentary "feelings" that he gives you. That contacting him gives you. You really can live without him. You just don't want to. And it's hard to see that life can be complete without him. But it was before - why can't it be now?

Alternatives: Your alternative is Divorce. You will either confess, end the A, or be caught. If you continue, you will at some point have to make a choice....to stay and let him go, or to get a divorce. Think about tearing your children's family apart. Think about dividing everything - giving your engagement and wedding rings back. Having to go through old gifts. What will you do with your wedding pictures, your wedding dress? It's not about things - it's about all the memories attached to the things, and the emotions attached to the memories. You will be throwing away all the wonderful times - the life you and your H have made together. Think about all the little things H provides in your life. How will it feel being without that.

Believe me, as WSs, we had a need. But the most important thing to remember is that we need to learn to satisfy those needs with ourselves and our family. Not an outsider. That was the hardest part for me to figure out. Although my H hurt me more than he knows when he wasn't taking care of my ENs, it was up to me to have the strength and courage to do the right thing - to get a Divorce instead of turning to another man.

Right now you are doing the easy thing....and yes, it's much easier to turn to OM than to face the truth. But you will have to face the truth sooner rather than later. And now is a good time to start. Keep your strength. Don't contact him. I know how hard it is - he has been your support, your source for self esteem, your "friend" for a while......but he will not and cannot be forever. Your H can.

Good luck, Spotlight, and stay strong. You can do this....

I know how hard it is staying home. I stay at home with my dd's 1 and4. My dh works 12-14 hour shifts and takes four classes at the college.

Have you tried to find any local moms groups where you are? Maybe set up some playdates? This will allow you to get out of the house and be around other adults and allows your 16mo old to interact w/ other children.

Maybe find something that you enjoy doing to fill that down time. I love to read so I do spend a lot of time reading. It is something that can be easily interuppted and restarted witht he children around.

DO you agree with the amount of hours your dh works? Is it possible for him to cut back? Have you discussed his working hours with him yet?

<small>[ September 13, 2003, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: neverenough ]</small>

SG,
lost in txs made a couple of good suggestions. you did have a life before the baby and can have one now, so what's holding you back?

if you need emotional support, or to discuss your value as a person there are places to go with out you needing to speak to the OM. come on girl...you know this is true! so go there!

and as far your H is concerned, if you can't or he is having trouble discussing these issues with you, then write him letters and or e-mails! get him into couples therapy...but take a pro-active position.

look, my point is that you don't have to sit back feeling like one of life's victims. make changes in yourself and for yourself and your H will notice. just learn to be more assertive and you can make good things happen.

coach

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. I didn't contact him. I am trying to be strong. My husband farms, so the hours are a given. I would love to find some weekly group, but I live in the country so it's hard. I will make it!
Thanks,