Hello,
This is my first post, I have been married for almost 14 years, we have 2 wonderful children both under 12. We have had a great marriage and a wonderful life until recently. We were and still are both under a great deal of stress at the moment, we have been planning an addition to our home to give both kids their own room for months, however, recently my job has become instable and I am working from month to month, so the addition is been on again off again.

In early July of this year, when my children were on a vacation with my in-laws my wife told me that she was not happy, that our relationship had become stale, that are drifting apart, and we don’t do anything together. We had a long talk about us, what is happening in our lives, and what we need to do, and I asked her not to make any changes or act on any feelings just now, what and we can see someone to help us. Being a Thick Headed Man, I had noticed that she had been more moody and upset much easer then normal in the last few months, and our love life was suffering some, but I thought it was just the stress in regards to the addition and my job status.

This talk took place on the eve of my a trip to Las Vegas with the girls form work that my wife was going to take, I thought nothing of it, I encourage my wife to have activities of her own, with her fiends. In the morning I kissed her goodbye and told her to have a good time in Vegas, and that I love her and we will start dealing with our problems when she gets back. Later that day she called me crying and told me that she had not gone to Vegas with the girls, because she did not thing she would have a good time or be good company.

This cancellation and some of the things that she said before go me a bit suspicious that something else was going on. So I installed software on our computer to monitor activity and nothing happened for weeks. In the mean time I was asking my wife to look into her employee assistance benefit at her work, marriage consular was one of the benefits, my job does not have any benefits. However she has been reluctant to look into it and is not to keen on getting counseling. I thought things were improving, boy was I wrong.

To make this long story short, I have discover over the last two months that my wife is having some sort of affair with a man from out of the area, he seems to be her in town ever couple of weeks and the meet while the kids are in school, or after she gets off work early. At first I believed that it was just emotional (support and a kind words) but again it looks like I was kidding myself. E-mails with the words “not just a physical relationship” and “I Love You” have just about killed me. I love my wife, I REALY need for us to put our lives back together, and I don’t think my wife wants to leave me and go away with him, he also has a wife and to kids. I think that she is looking for excitement and adventure, and maybe something else that I can’t give her.

Well, now lets get to the advice, the two week cycle has come again and my wife has told me about a trip to Las Vegas. ( now the last time she planned a trip to Vegas, I have discovered that she and he were to go to Santa Barbara and she called it off, but I think still saw him). This time I have evidence that the plan to meet tomorrow morning, and I can’t let that happen!!!!
I have considered beating her to the meeting place and confronting them both tomorrow morning, however I have reconsidered that my not be my best course. I don’t really care to see them together, I don’t know what I might do, at best a lot of yelling. So my plan is to talk with my wife tonight, as calmly as I can, and take tomorrow off work and spend the day talking and arranging counseling, I think that will prevent her from going to see him.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done, the funny part of it is the part I dread the most is hurting my wife by binging this out into the open, I think she loves me and seeing the pain and heartbreak that this has caused me is going to be very, very hard on her. Not to mention the risks she has taken with our life together, our family, friends, etc..

You see all through this at least she has someone to talk to, I don’t feel that I can bring this up with anyone, my family would hold it against her forever, my best friend is her close cousin and it may damage our relationship with him and his wife and her family might find out though them. So that is why I am posting this, you all can be shoulder to cry on and kind ear to her me out.

Thank you, for just being there.

I hope that someone else will post with better advice than me, as this is my first time giving advice. I am so sorry for your pain. I am a firm believer in honesty and truth. Showing up and suprising is probably not a great idea. I think if you do as you say and talk with her tonight in a calm manner this is your best bet. This is so horrible to go through as I know your pain. Just calm your nerves as best as possible and remember what you are fighting for is your marriage and your family. Remember your wife is Im sure in pain also. Taking off work to be with her is a great idea and maybe printing off the emotional needs questionaire and you both filling it out will help find the areas that she fills you arent fullfilling. Remember angry outburst and finger pointing is only gonna put her on the defensive. Remind her what she loves about you most. Best of luck my friend I will be thinking of you and you are in my prayers.

IMO you should confront her immediately about her affair. If you keep silent you will only enable her to get deeper into this relationship with this OM. You need to do some snooping and find out the man's address so you can notify his wife. The chances that once your wife finds out that you know she will stop the affair immediately. Don't allow your fear that she will leave you paralyze you from confronting this situation. Only with truth can you hope to heal your marriage.

scos:

You are right that you should not surprise them by confronting them when they're planning 2 meet. It could backfire, they might cancel and you'd be embarrassed, you might get in2 a fight and wind up in jail...

Talk 2 your W (wife) 2night. That's the best thing you could do. And if you know the OM's (other man's) identity, contact his W and let her know as soon as possible what her H is up 2. This is NOT cruel, it's pouring a little reality on the fantasy. Their A (affair) will not last now. But be aware that initially they might swing in2 high gear and leave you and his W 2 be 2gether. That's one extreme. If she decides 2 end the A and work on the marriage with you, then you should be prepared with as good a plan A, and a plan for counseling, as quickly as you possibly can.

I found out about my W's A this way, by intercepting emails between them. It was awful. But it isn't the end of the world (it sure will feel like it for a while, though). We had a rather bumpy ride for almost 19 months after that, but my W never left. Now we're in recovery, and I believe we will make our M better than it ever was before.

I give you all my best,
-2long

scos,

Sorry that you are having to face this. It is hard right now to get a handle on what you feel. Anger, hurt. You want her back you want her to get the hell out.

Tell your wife you know. Don't let there be any doubt that you are sure. Print out the emails. They can be used if you tell th OM's W when she doesn't believe the total stranger that is telling her this news.

As far as telling her cousin, your best friend, I would do it. You are going to need someone to talk to and share this with. It will be difficult to do this alone if not impossible. Look into seeing a counselor. I have been seeing one for over a year...best money I ever spent.

God bless you tonight

Doug

scos,
from reading your post, i'm lead to believe that your a bright, articuate and sensative man. but sometimes doing what you think is kind turns out to be the worst thing of all.

what i'm trying to say is that i don't believe that not confronting your W is a kind act...in fact i think it rather cruel. how do you think she will feel knowing that you had the facts at your disposal and still allowed her continue down her a self destructive path? think of her additional humiliation and embarassment.

if you truly care about her then you simply must confront her and the problem...i truly believe that anything less makes something less of you, her and the marriage.

here's an idea. given the information you've provided i would even go so far as to stage an intervention. yes, i would get others involved in helping you to confront her and your mutuale problem...to help her to help herself. is this a novel idea? maybe but when one considers that adultrey is as much of an addiction as drugs...well why not treat it this way?

in any case if it were me she would have to know what i know and so would the OM's wife...and i mean right away! and telling the OM's wife?...that would be non-negotiable! it would have to be done!

in fact i would insist tht she take me to meet him and tell him in my presence that this thing is over...unless of course she refuses to end it...and if that's the case, well your problems are just begining.

good luck.
coach

I also vote for confronting your W but NOT with the evidence you have but with the following:

'You know that I love you with every fiber of my being but I need you to be absolutely honest with me for it would hurt me deeply if I find out the truth from someone else, are you in love with another man?'

The point in this is that affairs are born out of and rely on dishonesty, and her acknowledgement of her affair would be a huge step forward in radical honesty. Not only that, but this would be a great opportunity for you to show her what you are made of by not punishing her for being honest with you. And you could even rack up extra love points if you empathize with her by validating her feelings that you would probably feel the same way if the roles were reversed (this is NOT condoning her affair) and she just might surprise you by reciprocating your empathy. By creating an emotionally safe environment for her to express to you her most deepest thoughts and feelings without being punished by you for doing so, you will rightfully be gaining back from the OM your role as your wife's closest confidant. So avoid ALL
love busters (angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, annoying habits and independent behavior) against your wife ASAP.

Good luck and keep us posted.

scos,

just checking on ya buddy

Fist of all I would like to truly thank everyone for the wonderful support and sound advice, it gives me strength and lifts my heart. Thank you all.

Well I did it, I confronted her that evening, she called my on my way home from work asking if she could go to a industry sponsored dinner with the girls she works with after work that evening, I feared she was going to meet him, so I said NO, I would like her to be home tonight, I needed to talk. Saying No to her when it comes to doing things with her friends and co-workers is very out of character for me, I have never to my knowledge ever refused to let her go. I have now discovered that she was telling me the truth, and her co-workers were concern that something was wrong, because I am always so easy going, she told them it must something about my job or I had something else, a surprise planed (they were right on about a surprise)

When I got home with the kids she was waiting, we settled the kids down with a movie and locked ourselves in out room. She later told me that she thought I might know and had even spoke to him about the possibility. Well I came out with it, I knew about him, she asked how I knew, I told her it did not matter, and I gave her some details. She did not deny it, for a long while she did not do or say anything, her lack of response really scared me. Then she finely started responding to my questions, I did not yell, call her names, or treat her with discussed, I simply keep repeating my mantra “Be constructive, Not destructive”.

Over the next several hours I discovered all the ‘Wonderful’ details. It started as an on-line chat in January of this year, the started meeting when he was in town, they even arranged to meet at Disneyland several times and spent time together there with both our and his kids, I remember my kids telling me about these other kids they kept running into at Disneyland, at the time I thought that was great. The would meet when my wife was off work and the kids were in school, and in June my wife traveled to Portland for a convention and he went with her, even traveled back on the same plane and waited beside us at the airport when we met my wife and were waiting for her bags.

This continued until early July, when they had planed on going to Santa Barbara (I was told Vegas with the girls form work). His wife discovered them, had an intervention with him and my wife, and made them both commit to not see or contact each other again. Unfortunately her pastor told his wife that it was not her place to contact and tell me, she got my wife to promise to tell me, we could of guessed how that worked out.

Shortly after this is when I discovered the first e-mail, where he told my wife that he was going to try to work things out with his wife and hopped she and I could get help, Even suggesting a book to help “His Needs. Her Needs” that he thought was a good explanation for his and my wives relationship. This e-mail gave me the first evidence about the relationship, however, it also appeared to be a farewell between them, This is one of the reasons I hesitated to confront my wife then. I know now that was a mistake.

They could both “talk the talk but not walk the walk” the e-mails kept telling my wife that he was supporting her in her attempts to save our mirage, but he kept contacting and seeing her for obviously other reasons. My other mistake in waiting so long was my wife could not understand how or why I did not stop it as soon as I discovered it, just a many of you said she would.

During our first hours of talking, my wife told me over and over that she was sorry and ashamed, she should what I believe was genuine remorse. She absolutely is committed to saving our relationship, what ever she hast to do. She has agreed to everything I asked for; ending the relationship with the OM, getting a commitment from him in writing, contacting his wife, counseling, getting tested for STD’s, telling me if he or anyone like him contacts her again, and promising to tell me the truth about everything as well as tell me when she is not happy with our relationship.

Well I tested her right away, I asked her if this was the first time, and with a lot of hesitation she admitted that the previous year she had had a short relationship whit someone else, stating with chatting on-line and ending in the physical act (once), she complained that he never called or responded to her after he got what he was after. And just recently began to chat with her again (looking for another round) I also made her contact the current OM that evening with me on the phone, she agreed however the cowered hung up as soon as I began to speak, not exactly the actions of someone who wants my wife to save her relationship with her husband. I also asked my wife for his address and phone numbers, including his home, and she gave me the paper that he had given her with all his information, I did not even offer to give it back.. I also asked and got what kind of car, color and make he drove and what he looked like from her ( so I would possibly be able to tell if he was lurking around my hose ( I was told he had been there before, however, never inside).

I did agree to one of my wife’s requests, she wanted closer with him, just a phone call to say goodbye I left the house for twenty minutes to go to the store to get bread and milk (life like the show must go on). Before I left, I asked her to inform him that I would be contacting his wife the next afternoon, and I was giving him the time to tell her himself, like a man!!! When I returned my wife was very upset and kept telling me how sorry she was and that it was over, she and I must work it out and she loved me and did not know how she could have heart me so much, and jeopardized all we have.

Needless to say it was a long night, and ever a longer couple of days, I have taken a few days off and spent it all with my wife, talking, thinking, crying and even laughing ( I have always loved when she laughed, she has got a twisted sense of humor) In this time I have contacted OM wife and had a long talk, she has asked him to move out a week ago, and was not suppressed when he told her he had continued to see my wife, he has been having these relationships for seven years that she knows of. She thanked me for being so noble and telling her, she was truly sorry she did not call me. I told her it was not noble, I believed that with it totally out in the open, more eyes will be looking at them and it may make the relationship less desirable. We have also seen a counselor to began talking with someone about our relationship.

But getting down to why all this has happened, my wife tells me that for several years, she has been feeling less and less loved and appreciated, and that she loves me, but she is not in love. She is not feeling passion, desire, or that she is desirable, she feels simply like my roommate not my lover. That is what the others were giving her. And she is right, the words “I Love You” are just words without action… I do many things to show my wife I love her and care for her, but they are not necessary the things she is looking for and do not compare to how it used to be. I have become complacent, lazy and have lost track of what is really important, I have always been a “Don’t sweat the little things” kind of guy, but the little things matter, after all every big thing is made up of a whole lot of little things.

Well enough philosophy, thing have gone as well as I could of hoped. We are both committed to make it work, on day at a time, and I believe that we have a great chance, we are together, we are talking, we are listening and looking forward to being In Love again. We have decided to keep this to ourselves, I believe, that even against some of the wisdom I have read, at this point we could do without the added stress of family and friends knowing. I love my wife, I still desire her, I still want to hold and caress her. As for the trust, I am tempted to trust her right now, because it’s easy, it’s comfortable, and is the way I really want to feel, but I know this is a pitfall I just have to slowly cross.

I believe that she really to be wit just me, and I have to believe that we can make it, better, stronger and even more rewarding for both of us.

Writing this has really been good for me, it has been liberating and gives me hope. It has been something like a autobiographical pep talk. Go team!!!

Thanks again for all the wonderful thoughts, support and advice, it has meant more to me then any of you know.

scos

scos,

There is NO need to tell anyone else IF the affair is over. That is a strategy to help end the affair. It sounds as if you have done an excellent job. There will be the rollercoaster days, but I think you have a very good handle on it.

I would caution you that she will very likely go through withdrawal and you will have more than a few triggers. Be open about it and ask her to be open about her withdrawal and feelings. It will hurt to hear what she has to say, but it will ultimately help both of you.

God Bless,

JL

scos,
i'm so happy you are able to work thigs out. may i just respectfully suggest that you two get yourselve into immediate therapy?

scos, this is a case that cries out for professional help. remember, her cheating was not just a 1 time event. your W...if you hadn't confronted her, might have tuned into a serial cheater....not a pleasnat thought! remember that you caught her just as she was planning to begin all over again with her 2nd OM!

while i'm sure that your W sounds remorseful, wisdom dictates that you keep a close eye all all suspecious behavior. remember, fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me!

good luck.
coach

JL: I respectfully remind you that that is not what Harley Sr. is saying nowadays about telling. I called him and asked. He said tell the OM's wife. He repeats it often on the radio show. I understand your point of view. I disagree with it however, and so does WH.

Dear John (I always wanted to write that):

I don't mean to speak for JL, but I believe his comment was about telling friends and family as scos wrote that he informed the OMW about the affair.

Scos:

You have handled yourself masterfully in this matter. You should be proud. I believe your W will be proud of you as well as she recovers. As others have mentioned please keep your eyes open. As Harley stated=s there should be no blind trust in a marriage.

All my best

Jack

(in my best Gilda Radner voice): Never mind!

scos,

You handled a very difficult situation with a lot of maturity, tact and compassion. It will not be easy.

What your wife doesn't feel for you right now can come back. Patience,patience, patience.

Come back here as often as you needed.

God Bless