hello, this is kind of weird for me to be writing a post on a discussion board, but I have no one else to ask...
I was dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and I just found out this weekend that he was sleeping with a girl for three months that I had suspected something was going on. We were planning on getting married, but never set any plans becaue we are still young, and in college. I decided to transfer colleges this semester, and he was just starting his career. Because we were going through so many changes, we decided to take some time apart to "organize our thoughts." A part of me knew he just didn't want the committment yet. when he and I started dating, we both didn't expect to even want to spend the rest of our lives together, but we do want that, and I knew he wanted that last bit of freedom before he committed to me. He didn't want to have to wonder. After about a week and a half, I knew I wanted to be with him, but he said he was not ready. He was too busy with his life, and he said he wouldn't be able to give me everything I needed right now, but he knew he wanted to be with me in the end. I waited for him, and he promised me that he would let me go if he found interest in anyone else. We still acted like we were together, and he always confirmed that I was the only one for him. Well, he was lying and kept lying to me about it even when I confronted him. He used all the excuses that Dr. Harley said. Saying he needed his privacy, and he was hurt that I didn't trust him. He kept me close to him, and was sleeping with her. I finally confronted him again with proof from her online journal saying how she felt about him, and how she said he felt about her. Still he did not admit anything except that they told each other that they had feelings for each other. I believed him, but something did not sit right. So the next day I confronted him again, saying that if anything is going to happen between him and me, he needs to be completely honest. From there, he started telling me everything. There was an emotional tie as well as a sexual. He said that he didn't want to tell me, because he knew he did not want to be with her. She was just filling the void of the excitement that him and I were lacking at that time.
Well, after reading Dr. Harley's book called Surviving an Affair, I was wondering if anyone knew if his methods would work for a couple who was not married yet. Does anyone out there think that it is possible for me to work things out? Mind you, that we live an hour away from each other, and he works where she lives. I believe he is sincere about changing things. He has done everything that I asked of him. Even end things with her over the phone while I was there listening. He said that he did not realize what he was losing when he was doing it. I knew he did not realize what he had in me (as he stated), until he lost me, now. I want to work things out. I need some advice.javascript:void(0)
Teary

HW,

I don't think you are going to like what I have to say, but here it is. Dr. Harley also states that he often recommends that if someone has an affair and there are no children, to end the marriage.

I know you are not married. I also know that you are still in school. I was once in school many decades ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And I must tell you, those that got married just after graduating undergraduate school, and those that were married in graduate school often ended up divorced. Why? Because school is an artifical situation, and what most of these couples found out was that they had little in common, other than school, tests, and activities associated with school.

Now I know I sound like your father lecturing you. I apologize, but you could be my daughter, and I would offer her the same advice. I would suggest that you read His Needs Her Needs by Harley, and I would suggest that you end your relationship with this guy. Not becuase he is a bad guy, and NOT to punish him or make you hurt, but because I know you are going to grow enormously in the next few years as you get out of school and on your own.

You need time to see the real world, live in it, deal with it, have fun in it, THEN start looking for you life mate. Your BF needs the same thing. HE is not mature enough to have told you the truth, and he didn't want to hurt you. I can tell you that as he gets older and more experience he will deal with the truth better and so will you.

Please, let him go. Let yourself experience life, and yes even loneliness. If you do, when the right man comes along you will be prepared to make life long decisions and you will know he is as well.

Please enjoy your schooling, and the hunt for your first job. The first apartment you get with your salary, the first car YOU buy, the first many things. Then, you will be ready to enjoy being married.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Hello,
Thanks so much for your reply JL. I REALLY appreciate it. But there are a couple of things that I thought would possibly make a difference. We had agreed that seeing other people was ok. Even dating others at that time would be allowed. It was simply the fact that he was supposed to tell me but he didn't and I had to figure it out myself. Plus he lied to me. We know that we are young, and we know that there is so much more to learn and grow. We never planned on marrying right away- we agreed to wait at least a few years after graduation to settle whether we wanted that. We knew things could change because of the different environments we would be put in after college. And we know we are not mature enough to decide if marriage is right right now. That is why we never officially became engaged. Everything just hurts because I still felt like we were still together, and we both still expressed that we wanted to be with each other eventually. It still felt like he cheated on me, when technically he didn't. We were emotionally together, but we were separated. He still felt like he cheated on me, too. Everyone must think i'm such a confused mess... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Do you think it my situation is different?

I'm sorry... I don't mean to just give a lot of excuses, even though that's what this may seem like. I will read that book as JL suggested, and I do agree with most of what JL said, and he is right that I didn't want to hear what he had to say, which had a lot of validity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know that there is so much more this world has to offer me, and I have so much more to grow. I'm not afraid of being lonely. (Really- I'm not even lying to myself) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know that I can easily find another guy to be with. I just have always felt such a deep spiritual connection with my ex, and when he lied to me, I already knew, but I decided to trust him with my head... and that made me feel like I was crazy. Thus, since I felt like I was "crazy" I had to believe what he said. Kinda ironic, right?

I have always felt like he was my soul-mate, but we always wanted to keep our head out of the lovey-clouds, avoiding imagining everything will always be perfect. We anticipated things to change, but I never expected to lose trust in his word. If I can build that trust back, I believe things could work... Is anyone understanding me? If you believe I'm fooling myself, please let me know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I promise there will be no more rebuttles from me. A pre-Thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

HW,

Don't worry your feelings are just fine and they are on track. You have every right to feel hurt and you should work through the grief of it. However, I would caution you about the "soul-mate" thing. If you read here for awhile you will find that people seem to have more than one "soul-mate" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , which of course means that none of them were.

I am a lot older than you and dated longer than you have, plus I lived all over the world. You are right you can and will find someone else, you might even come back into contact with your ex. One never knows that is the fun part of life. But, I will tell you, that you will find a lot more men than you realize that could be your "soul-mate". It is normal.

This knowledge does not lessen your pain, but please realize that you are better off playing the field now and so is your exBF. You both already knew that from what you said, but knowing and going through the breakup and lies is another thing all together isn't it.

I would like to offer you a suggestion for you to consider in the future. NEVER LIVE WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO. Yup, sounds like your father talking doesn't it?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And it could sound like a religious thing, and you would be right, but many religious laws are based in reality.

My suggestion is based on reality. You have all of the disadvantages of marriage and none of the advantages. Second, the statistic show that couples that live together have a higher level of spousal abuse, AND the divorce rate is higher. Doesn't sound like much of a bargin does it?

So back to your question. I think you could get back together in the future, after you are better settled in your life. Your lives may cross paths again, and perhaps then it might work. You both were very reasonable about the dating others, but your heart still hurts doesn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You see why marriage is a different thing. There are vows, and commitments, and laws on your side then. Even then marriages are some work. A relation has none of the underpinning of a marriage and all of the pitfalls. So I would recommend NOT trying to make it work right now for all of the reasons YOU have given ME.

But, do stop and reflect on the good parts of the relationship, the joy you had, and the cool things you shared. Why? Because you will have them again with someone and you will appreciate them even more.

I know what I am telling sounds sooooo off the wall, but trust me. Life is cool, and it has many interesting twists and turns. You met this young man at the wrong time in your life otherwise perhaps you would have married. But, it is clear he has some maturing to do, or he would not have lied.

So grow, enjoy your life, the new people that will enter it, and try to understand that although this hurt, you did learn some important things, and you did have a period of great joy. That is a good thing HW.

So now that you have found your way to this site, I do hope that you read ALL of the articles and learn from them. You will be so far ahead of everyone else and your pain will have been worth more than you realize.

God Bless,

JL

PS: HW rebuttals are fine. We love discussion on this site. I think you could rebuild trust, but I think that will come naturally as you lead your life. You must understand part of his lying and the affair???? had to do with the circumstances. That is why Harley wrote the book His Needs Her Needs, if certain things happen then the results are somewhat predictable even if they are painful. Humans are humans. So could you rebuild trust, probably. Should you persue this relationship, probably not.

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

HI JL,
Thank you for your advice. I guess it's what I really needed to hear. He and I both need a lot of maturing to do. That's it. I really appreciate your take on this, and hopefully it'll work for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You have been very understanding of my position and really backed up everything you said. I just wanted to say thank you!!
HW

PS... I have been reading all the columns... I'm such a nerd. ha ha ha. But I am learning a LOT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HW,

I have been reading here since Feb 1999, and I am probably older than your father, and still I am Just Learning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> There is so much to learn and some of this stuff is pretty subtle.

Keep reading and learning. I am sure you are going to have a great life.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Being a Nerd is in these days. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Stick with it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>HW,

Dr. Harley also states that he often recommends that if someone has an affair and there are no children, to end the marriage.
JL</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL,

Citation? I'd be interested in reading the argument...

-C-

Cruiser,

You will find it in one of the articles on this site, the Q&A. It has been a long time since I read it so I don't know the exact article. However, the point is NOT that he thinks marriages with no children shouldn't be saved, it is that no all marriages can be saved and those without children are less established.

You will have to find it.

Good luck,

JL

Shall do,

Thanks!

-C-